"Hey, what's wrong? Is it that horrible?"
She snorted a half laugh, half sob, shaking her head again. This time his hand stayed and she leaned into it, hyper-aware of the warmth and comfort that she got from it. By now the tears were streaming down, and she looked up at him. His face showed nothing but concern, not a trace of mockery, and she felt herself wilt, and relax. She shook her head, still searching for a way to explain how it felt.
"He, it, talked to me, inside my head. Only, it wasn't like talking, it was like he was touching me, stroking me, and I couldn't get rid of him."
She looked again at him, eyes wide and frightened. Stem's face was white, but he was nodding and she felt again the sense of relief, of companionship that she previously had shared only with dad. Of course, it felt very different when dad has his hand against her arm, and she blushed suddenly. Stem didn't notice, or pretended not to and instead said something that took her entirely by surprise.
"I know people talk about it, but no one knows the truth about me. The truth, the real truth is that I am here because I want to be."
She jerked back, staring at him with disbelieving eyes. She shook her head, furiously trying to deny what she had just heard.
"But what? Why? Why the hell would you be here if you didn't have to be?"
"I lived on Earth. My parents died. I came here. It's easy here. I can fly and fight, keep to myself and not get noticed..."
He trailed off and she saw him, just for a second, looking alone and scared. Then he turned to look at her, once again confident and sure.
"The reason I came here was something my dad said, before he, you know, passed away. He'd been working with the City Council, working on building better bridges with the Lords. When he died, he was..."
Stem paused and she realised that he was barely keeping himself in check, barely keeping himself from crying, or screaming, or both. His neck was taut and his fists were clenched. She felt utterly inadequate, but she reached out anyway, taking his hand. He squeezed it and went on, his words gushing from him in frantic bursts.
"He was mad, he'd been driven mad, and he couldn't tell me why, couldn't get the words out. All he could talk about was the voices in his head, slithering and creeping around."
He stopped, taking deep breaths.
"What you just said, just gave me another piece of the puzzle. Or at least, cemented one that was already there."
"So the Lord drove your dad insane?"
"Yes, I think it did."
She was suddenly aware of where they were and glanced around, nervous. He chuckled quietly, a sound devoid of humour.
"I wouldn't worry. If it was reading our minds, we'd be dead already, but I don't think we rate very high on the list of things it's worried about."
"So, why did you come here though? If one of them killed him, why would you want to become it's slave?"
He sighed, throwing up his hands and leaning back against the huge tower.
"So we have the truce, this agreement that we can live side by side in peace. But somehow, out here, we're kept as slaves and no one bats an eyelid. The Lords have created a TV show that involves us killing each other and no one bats an eyelid. Earth was our sacred ground, we kept it whilst they got everywhere else, yet they pretty much run the cities and no one bats an eyelid. Doesn't it seem like someone, somewhere, is running the human race and we're just going along with it all, no questions asked?"
She was pale, knowing even as her brain screamed to just walk away and pretend this had never happened, that he was right. She knew she was young, and inexperienced and saw many things black and white, but after last night, she could no longer ignore what, deep inside, she already knew. Real evil and real horror, and not just the horror of being owned and used. This horror was the stuff of her nightmares and just as what she said had convinced him of something, so his words made connections in her, connections she would far rather had stayed apart.
Long before she played the game, even before she began flying, she'd felt this disconnect, not that she'd have called it that back then. It was just the strongest feeling that she was seeing things differently than other people. As Stem spoke, she felt as if a fog lifted from her, a thickness to her thoughts that stopped her questioning and doubting the way things were. Now, with the blindfold removed, she could no longer hide from the reality in which they lived.
"So what is it, what are the Lords doing?"
"That's why I came here. I tried, on Earth, to find out what was happening, but you stick out there if you question anything. I mean, literally anything, any deviation from the norm and they're down on you. I made some friends who saw things the same way and they just disappeared. They'd have a conversation with someone and then next day, they'd just vanish."
He shook his head and she was touched by the sadness in his voice. He spoke as if this had happened only yesterday, as if the wounds were still raw.
"The worst one was Janey. She was always really careful, investigating but keeping under the radar, you know? Then one day, I go to see her and she's, changed. You wouldn't know it if you weren't looking for it, but all her energy, her life was gone, you know? It was like she on really heavy anti-depressants, just vacant. I couldn't prove anything, or be sure, but they must have got to her, messed with her brain somehow. I couldn't stay after that, knowing it might happen to me."
He sighed, raising his hands again as if to say, 'what choice did I have?'
"I figured that out here I was more likely to blend in, be invisible and still try to find the answers. I was gonna join the war, but then I realised that all I was gonna get was dead, like, really quickly. So I came here."
He looked at her, seeming to see her for the first time since he'd started. He smiled sadly and put his hand on her cheek.
"But why am I telling you this?"
It sounded like he was talking to himself.
"I haven't told anyone since I got here, so why you? You're so young."
She must have looked affronted, because he laughed, holding up his hands in mock defence.
"But hey, you sure don't fly like you're young."
He softened the blow and she smiled back, basking in the praise.
"So what now? What do we do next?"
He looked at her, eyebrows raised.
"We?"
"Yeah, we. You're right Stem, something's really screwed up. I mean, I think I've always known it, but with you, with someone else feeling the same, how can you expect me to just carry on like normal?"
He shrugged.
"That's a fair point, but to be honest, I've hit a wall. I'm too constrained here, and finding anything out on-board ship is close to impossible. I've been thinking recently about getting away, just heading off during a game and seeing if I can make it across to the war. Once I'm close to the Veil, they're not gonna bother chase me."
She worked hard to keep the dismay from showing, furiously biting the inside of her cheek. She was only 12, but she knew not to blurt anything out. She took a deep breath and tried to sound reasoned and calm.
"What would you find out there though? I mean, at least here you're near one of the Lords, near enough to maybe find something. And what chance have you got of making it anyway? They won't just let you go."
The words sounded hollow to her and they were. If there was anything to find, he would have done it by now.
"Yeah, they'll chase me, but they won't catch me. I'm better than them and I make a living out of not getting shot."
His voice had got louder and insistent, like he was trying to convince her. She thought maybe there was more to it than that, but her head filled with the idea of him leaving and drowned anything else out. Abruptly, she stood up. He looked up at her, surprised by the sudden movement.
"I need to find dad. I haven't seen him since last night and he'll be worried. It was nice meeting you Stem."
He looked bemused, but pushed himself up until they were face to face.
"Yeah, it was."
"So, I'll see you around, yeah?"
"Yeah, I guess."
She turned and headed away through the engine, still feeling his eyes burning into her.
That had been four years ago. He'd talked a lot in the next few months about going, but something kept him on ship. She realised after a while that that something was her. Inside she felt old beyond her years and over the next year or so, her body caught up. By the time she hit fourteen, they were spending every second together and he was looking at her quite differently.
They didn't kiss until she was nearly fifteen. She remembered it as the day dad stopped being the first man in her life. It was weird to think of it like that, but she couldn't help it. He had been such a constant, such an anchor and suddenly she was cut adrift, being dragged along by currents fast and entirely alien to her. Those currents swiftly became familiar, a place she felt safe, and excited at the same time.
It was round Celebration day, three months shy of her sixteenth birthday, when dad had his first collapse. The game had been hard work and they'd not done well, finishing with a big hole in one of the wings and losing a couple of cannon. The fixing wasn't a big issue, but first they'd had to make the long hike back to the port. They were exhausted by the time they got ship-side, and the Lord was giving them less time to work on The Vale than after previous games. They had both worked a full day, patching the ship and getting it ready for the next fight.
It was late evening and they were finishing up. She was collecting tools and dad was checking the wing, hauling on it and thumping the fresh patching. She heard a clatter and swung around. He was lying on the floor beneath the wing, spreadeagled, and she rushed over. He was unconscious and barely breathing, his chest hitching every few seconds.
She felt the panic begin to rise and forced it down, gently rolling him over onto his side and putting a rag beneath his head. They stayed like that for the night, her eyes never closing as she stared down at him. He looked old. He always had, of course he had, he was her dad, but not when she compared him to some of the others. But now, his face pale and drawn, she realised how tired he looked and how frail.
There wasn't much she could do. The Lords weren't concerned with caring for the elderly. When you were young, they looked after you, particularly if you were a gamer, but once you were past your prime, they were happy for you to quietly disappear. There was no retirement, nowhere to go to escape from the game. His age would lead to a mistake and he would be left, either dead or dying, inside his ship. And she would be with him.
She felt horribly guilty at the last thought, but couldn't deny it, couldn't shy away from the fact of it.
He awoke the next morning, complaining of a head ache, but seemed otherwise fine. They didn't talk about it. She couldn't figure out how to raise it, and besides, she didn't want to admit to herself what was happening. She did what she could to lessen his workload. Stem helped out, covering some of her tasks whilst she did his. And he didn't complain, or argue with her, just spent some of his time sitting, relaxing.
It helped, for a while, but by the most recent battle, the game that had ended with them tracking once more through the endless dust, he was much worse.
He had blackouts. Just a few seconds, but moments when he simply wasn't there. And his hands had begun to shake. She would find him standing in front of some part of the engine, a part he had fixed time and again, but now not sure what to do with it. He would turn to her and smile and pretend that he had been thinking about something and she'd grin back, and walk away, and try desperately to forget that his hands had been shaking and his tools nowhere in sight.
Chapter Five
She looked up at him, suddenly grateful for the dust that made it hard to see his face. The sun had almost set and the port buildings had become huge silhouettes, giant shapeless shadows emerging from the gloom. He had been good today, no sign of the disease that was taking him from her. He always seemed younger when they were on the Vale and today had been no exception.
In line with the constant up-dating of the game, they had introduced what they called 'The Great Game', which took place once a month. There was nothing great about it, not as far as she was concerned, it just meant more ships, more danger, more flying time and more chances to die. The Great Game was a combination of various additions from the past few years, on a giant scale.
They were far out in space, the zone enormous and surrounded by literally hundreds of Homeships. The extent of the Lords and their domain had never struck her so forcefully, but there were enough slaves here to make a country. She felt dwarfed, the Vale surrounded by ships of all sizes, all types, and all bristling with weaponry.
Scattered around the zone were mines, huge lumps of dull metal filled with explosives. They were easy to avoid when you were under power, but as soon as you were engaged, or lost your engines, you could easily drift into one. She was sure they added an element of excitement for the people watching, but for her and dad they simply meant another way to die.
She was scanning the other ships, idly wrapping and unwrapping her hands round the sticks as they waited for the Overseer to give orders. Desperate for a view of Stem, she thought back to that morning, and the horrible, rare argument they'd had.
She'd been trying to explain why she couldn't move over to his part of the engine and start spending the night there. Although they spent some of almost every day together, there was just no way she could imagine leaving dad alone at night, or for too long during the day. If he was found incapable, he'd be shipped straight to the war, no matter how good he was in a ship. Stem hadn't been interested, which she had found really hard to understand.
"But he's my dad Stem, he's the only family I have. You must get that, I mean, you know, with what's happened to you and all."
"Of course I do, but what is it you think you actually do for him? I mean, when he's asleep, what's gonna happen?"
She had to stop from stamping her foot in frustration.
"Stem! He's my dad. I don't know what might happen cos I don't really know what's wrong with him, but I'm not gonna run the risk of not being there when it does. Why are you so desperate for me to be there at night anyway?"
"I just..."
He stopped, looking at the ground and suddenly oddly coy. He continued in a far quieter voice.
"I just thought we could be like, you know, a real couple."
He looked up at her, his face, so angry only moments ago now suddenly childlike and hopeful. She shook her head, furious now.
"What don't you get? I'm sixteen Stem. I'm sixteen and I'm watching my dad become someone I don't know and I can't handle it. I thought you were going to keep me going and help me, but you just want something, some fantasy land where we're all happy and married and whatever else bullshit you've got floating around in there."
She threw her hands up, sucking in lungfuls of air to stop the tears from coming. She caught the look on his face as he bowed his head and nearly reached out to him, feeling a tightness inside at the sadness he wore. She caught herself, anger wrapping her up and refusing to let go. He met her gaze, his own fury now coming to the fore.
"Fine."
His voice was flat and tight.
"I'll see you around then, maybe out there this afternoon."
He turned and was gone while she stood there, mouth closed tight, unable to send words past the fury that had ambushed her mind. She stood there until her breathing began to slow, and as the fog and frustration cleared, the tears came pouring down. She staggered off through the engine, heading back to where dad was working. She'd dragged her sleeve over her face by the time she got back and he either didn't notice, or chose not to comment. They spent the rest of the morning fiddling and wasting time, both too wound up waiting for the game.
Now she was searching desperately on the screens for any sight of him. The
y were on the same team, which was probably a good thing, but she hadn't had time to catch him in the hanger before they'd launched. Now he was nowhere to be seen. She went suddenly cold at the thought that he'd finally done what he'd been threatening to do all these years. With so many ships around, maybe he reckoned this was as good a chance as any, that his absence wouldn't be noticed for a while. She shook her head, angrily throwing the thought away, denying it with all her might, even as her inner voice explained just how much sense it made.
She was getting impatient. Other teams were beginning to move, some fanning out and claiming an area within the zone, others grouping together and making fast runs back and forth across the playing area. She was endlessly fascinated by the different strategies used, but she was feeling more and more like a sitting duck whilst the Overseer hesitated over what to do.
A bright flash lit up the right side screen and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. The Laser Nets were another recent addition, huge sheets of laser blasts from a Homeship, fired at random across the zone. They were relatively low-powered, disrupted by most charm boxes, but could still do serious damage to gamers without magic, and have real influence in a fight, if only by distracting a pilot. She twitched again.
"Take it easy Ally, don't sweat it. Viran knows what he's doing."
"Are you sure dad, I mean, really? I know he's done some good stuff, but half of the time it's just been sheer luck. Why are we waiting? Someone's gonna see that we look weak and come for us."
"Sometimes luck is just what happens when you do the right thing, sweetheart. What exactly do you advise we do?"
She looked again at the screens, at the ships arranged across the zone, then slammed her hands against the sticks.
"I don't know, just something."
Dad chuckled and she wanted to punch him. Fortunately their seats were far enough apart, so she stuck her tongue out and then pushed herself back against the seat, letting a breath out in a huge rush. Suddenly the comms system beeped once and Virans' oily voice came hissing through the speakers.
A Game of War Season One Amazon Page 4