by Amy Cross
"There's something I need to tell you," I say, determined to make them listen to me.
"Moss was a dreamer," Todd says, staring at Benjamin. They're so wrapped up in their argument, they don't seem to even remember that I'm in the room. "At best, he was misguided," Todd continues. "At worst, he was dishonest. He left behind huge gambling debts. That's why he disappeared, and all the stories about Gothos were just part of his attempt to make himself look good. No-one seriously believes that he made that journey".
"Can I just say something?" I ask.
"So your solution is to give up?" Benjamin says. Again: it's as if neither of them can hear me. "Now that Patrick has taken her there, you want to just sit around and wait until they eventually return? It'll be too late. She'll be like him, and then there'll be no way back for her!"
"We can't go to Gothos!" Todd insists. "It's just not possible! It's a mark of desperation that you're even considering the idea". He pushes the book back toward Benjamin. "Sir Edward Moss was a crazy old man who set up the Watchers to investigate street rumors. While he was alive, the Watchers were a joke. It was only when he'd disappeared that other men took his place and made this group what it is today. Moss was a crank, and he didn't go to Gothos. He probably died in some far-off country, still writing his ludicrous fake accounts of his journey". He sighs. "And even if he did get to Gothos, how did he get those accounts back? None of this makes any sense!"
"I'm not desperate," Benjamin says, clearly working hard to control his anger. "I'm a man science and logic. I've spent years working out a possible path to Gothos. I've studied the notes Moss left behind and I'm convinced he was onto something. At first I thought it was impossible. I thought only Patrick could make the journey these days, but now I know there's a way. It's not easy, but it can be done, and I don't see that we have much choice. Or are you scared?"
"I'm not scared," Todd replies, "but I'm not stupid, either. If you thought it was possible for us to go to Gothos, you'd have done it long ago. You'd have gathered up as many men as you could find, and you'd have led a god-damned invasion. We'd be there now!"
Benjamin shakes his head. "No," he says. "We wouldn't, and do you want to know why? Because I'm scared". He pauses. "I dreamed all my life of seeing the great home of the vampires, but when I finally realized it might be possible, I was filled with such terror that I immediately stopped my research. The thought of entering that place, of being among them... I failed. I should have been stronger, but I became so terrified, I allowed myself to recoil from such a journey. Now, though, I see that we must go. A young girl's life is at stake".
"You're insane," Todd says. "You're not going anywhere".
"Not me," he replies. "I'm too old. Even if I survived the journey, I'd be no use. It must be you," he says, before turning to me, "and you".
"No way," I say. "I quit".
They both stare at me.
"I've been trying to say it since you two started arguing," I continue.
"You quit?" Benjamin asks, a look of disgust in his eyes. "You quit?"
"I quit," I reply.
"You can't quit," Todd says.
"I came to help Abby," I say. "I came to help a young girl find out a little bit about her mother. I was gonna sit down and talk to her properly, but you guys fucked all of that up. I'm not going to go running off with you to this Gothos place. I'm not going to do any more of this. Abby's..." I pause. Since we found the dead girl in the woods outside Callerton, I've come to realize that Abby's not just a lonely teenage girl. She's a vampire, and I don't think there's anything I can do or say that will help her. She scares me. "I thought she was a vulnerable, frightened girl," I continue, "and the first time I saw her, it was like looking at Sophie. But now I see that she's different. She's like Patrick, and I don't want to be around her. What she did to that girl in the forest... She's not human. For all we know, she even killed her foster parents".
"That wasn't her," Todd says.
"You don't know that!" I say "It's a little convenient, isn't it? They turn up dead, just after she returns to the area? I hate to say this, but I don't trust her. You act like you're trying to save her from becoming like Patrick, but the truth is that she already passed that point a long time ago. You're trying to fight a battle that's already been lost, and I'm not interested. That's why I'm quitting".
"She needs you," Benjamin says.
"No," I reply. "You need me, because you think I can help you reel her in. You think I can help you control her. But I'm not going to do that. Whatever happens, happens. You had her, and you lost her. She's gone. She's become something else, and I'm done with all of this".
"Talk to her," Benjamin says, turning to Todd. "Make her see that she's wrong. There's still a chance to save the girl. It will take Patrick time to change her. If we can get her back, we can save her. He wants us to give up, he wants us to assume we can't do anything to save her, but we can get her back. All we have to do is go to Gothos and grab her. Sometimes force is the best option, sometimes..." He take a deep breath, clearly exhausted. "I need to get some sleep," he mutters. "If there are any developments, wake me. I'm sorry, I've been awake for nearly three days". Leaning on the table, he pauses and - for the first time - I see that he's becoming frail.
Todd pauses for a moment. "Shelley might be right," he says eventually. "If Abby's at Gothos, she's lost. God knows what kind of creatures she'll encounter, but Patrick's going to keep her there until he thinks she's ready to take his place".
"Your own flesh and blood," Benjamin sneers, slightly out of breath, "and you're willing to give up on her so easily". He walks over to the door, before turning back to us. "I thought you were better than this. Both of you. Yet when the poor child needs help, you persuade yourselves not to go to the full extreme. She deserves better". Wincing with pain, he touches his left shoulder for a moment before leaving the room.
"I'm leaving," I say, as Benjamin's footsteps get further and further away along the corridor. "There's nothing you can say that'll make me stay. This isn't my business any more. I've tried and failed. Abby's not... She's not what I thought she was. I can't help her". I shrug. "Good luck, but I'm out of here".
"What do you want, Shelley?" Todd asks suddenly.
I turn to him. "What do I want?"
He nods. "Everyone wants something. Everyone has some desire burning in their gut, something they absolutely need, a sense of their own destiny. Benjamin wants Abby so he can learn about her and help her. I want the same thing, more or less. But you? I can't work out what you really want in life, Shelley. You just seem to drift along aimlessly, avoiding everything".
"I just want to go back to New York, hang out, do my thing, and not have to worry about crap like this".
"So you don't want anything?"
I shake my head. "Nothing. Nothing I can get here, anyway. See you around". Turning, I head toward the door. Right now, all I want is to get back to my old life and forget about all of this. I want to be dancing in New York clubs, drinking cocktails, chasing dead-end jobs...
"Benjamin's wrong," Todd calls after me. "There's no way we can go to Gothos, but we can still help Abby".
I turn to him. "That's the first time I've ever heard you explicitly go against something Benjamin's said," I tell him. "Sounds like you're finally out of diapers".
"He's a great man," he replies, "but like all great men, he's capable of making mistakes. He lets his judgment become clouded, and he focuses only on the things he wants to be true".
I sigh. "You've seen what Abigail did to that girl in the forest. There's no way back for her. She's a monster. She's like Patrick. There's nothing I can do for her".
"There's one thing," he replies. "You can refuse to give up. Please, wait a little longer. There's still a chance for her to be redeemed. If she can show some sign of humanity, just one hint of compassion or love, we can save her. The worst thing to do right now would be to just accept that Patrick has won, because then he has won".
Pausi
ng, I try to summon up the courage to tell him he's wrong. The truth, though, is that I know he's right. Despite all her failings, Abby retains some semblance of hope. Just because she's with Patrick now, that doesn't means she's lost to us forever. She has Sophie's sense of spirit and determination, which means she can find some way to stand up to her father and deny him his hopes. No matter how much I want to walk away, I know that Sophie would want me to stay.
"Just one more week," Todd says, clearly sensing that I'm wavering. "After that, if she hasn't returned, or if she's returned and there's clearly no hope, you can go and I swear to God we'll never, ever get in touch with you again". He pauses. "I'm just worried that when she eventually comes back, she'll still have a glimmer of humanity in her soul and we won't know how to save her. That's where you come in, Shelley; that's when we need you. You can draw that side of her back out. You can make her more like Sophie".
"Fine," I say. "I'll stay. But not for long. If she's not back from Gothos in a week, I'm out of here".
"That's your choice," he replies, "but I'm pretty sure she'll be back sooner than that. She can't survive there for long, and she'll want to know more about her mother. She'll come looking for you. Not me, not Benjamin. You".
I pause for a moment. "Patrick wouldn't let her die, would he?" I ask. "After everything he went through to get her, he wouldn't let anything happen to her..."
"He might," Todd replies. "He'll want to test her, to see if she's strong enough to take his place. To do that, he might throw her into a dangerous situation and wait to see if she can handle herself. Like a mother bird pushing a baby out of the nest to see if it can fly".
"But he's dying anyway," I point out, "so what does it matter to him?"
"He needs to know if she'll carry his legacy. If she can't, he'll have to settle a few old scores himself. If he's strong enough, that is".
"I'm going to bed," I say with a sigh. "If there's any news, let me know". Turning and heading back through to my room, I can't help wondering whether I've made a huge mistake. In my mind, Abigail seemed to be just a reincarnation of Sophie; in truth, however, she seems to be filled with Patrick's rage and anger. As much as I'd like to talk to her about her past, I feel as if there's a barrier between us. Ultimately, it's as if she has no human qualities at all. She's changed, and now she's some cold-hearted kind of creature. Perhaps Benjamin was right when he said that vampires have no sense of right and wrong, no sense of love. Abby's just a shell, waiting to be filled with Patrick's hatred. There's nothing I can do to help her. All I can do is wait, and hope that she retains at least some of her humanity. Wherever she is...
Gwendoline
Far away.
"Abigail!" I shout, grabbing her hand and dragging her across the room to the window. "You must see this! Look out there! Do you see the mountains? I went there once, on a hunting trip with Daddy. I think he wanted to toughen me up a little, but of course the whole thing failed rather miserably". I pause for a moment, remembering how awful it was to see such disappointment in my father's eyes.
"Sounds... fun," Abigail replies cautiously.
"I'm not very tough," I continue. "Daddy's always been so disappointed in me. I sometimes think I should take crocodile-wrestling lessons, just to prove him wrong. Maybe we could do that together! Oh, dearest Abigail, would you like to go crocodile-wrestling with me?".
Abigail stares at me, looking a little shocked. We've spent the past hour rushing around Gothos as I show her all the wonderful things in the house. It has been so long since we had a visitor, and I'm afraid I might have rather overwhelmed dear Abigail by peppering her with stories and anecdotes. Still, she has to learn about the place; one can't go through life being ignorant of one's heritage, so it's absolutely vital that she's told about the rich history of this place. It's so exciting to have a new friend, although the excitement is tempered by the knowledge that I'm planning to kill her tonight.
"You look quite pale," I say with a smile. "Are you feeling okay?"
"Yeah," she says. "Just suffering from information overload".
"Let me show you something else!" I say, taking her hand again. This time, however, she pulls away. "What's wrong?" I ask, turning to her. "Come on, I'll show you something that'll make your jaw drop to the floor with sheer thrilled wonder!"
"Actually, I'm kind of tired," she says. "Maybe we could take a rain-check and carry on with this later?"
"A what?" I ask, confused. "A rain... check?"
"A break," she explains.
"Okay, but just one more thing!" I insist, taking her hand firmly and leading her to the other side of the room. We stop in front of a small red vase that stands on a beautiful little pedestal. This is one of my favorite things in the whole of Gothos: although it looks so innocuous and unimportant, this vase once played such a huge role in the history of the vampires. If dear Abigail is ever to consider herself a true member of the species, she simply must know about these things. "So," I say, after I've given her a moment to consider the vase, "what do you think this is?"
She pauses. "A... vase?"
"Yes, silly," I reply, "but what kind of vase?"
"A... magic vase?"
"No no no," I say, laughing. "It's a normal vase, but it was once used for something very wonderful. It was used to carry Cassandra's heart after it was first cut from her chest". I wait for her to say something, but she just seems a little confused. "Do you not know about Cassandra?" I ask, stunned by Abigail's total lack of knowledge. She's really starting from scratch, but it doesn't matter: I'll soon get her up to speed. I'm a quite wonderful teacher.
"Gwendoline," she says, sighing, "I genuinely appreciate your effort, I really do, and I'm totally grateful to you for showing me around, but would you be really annoyed if I went to my room and took a nap? I'm really tired, and I think I need to get some sleep before dinner".
I smile, realizing that I've monopolized her for far too long. Why didn't I consider the possibility that she might be tired? "Of course," I say. "Poor dear Abigail, please forgive me, I was just trying to make you feel more at home, but I suppose there's plenty of time to do all of this later, isn't there? Shall I show you to your room?"
"Is that okay?" she asks.
I nod. "But on the way, I want to show you just one more thing". I grab her hand again, this time leading her back through to the ballroom. We go over to the large patio doors that look out across the garden. "Isn't it beautiful? I ask as we stare at the scene. A huge green lawn spreads out from the house, running for miles before it's met by the edge of a tall dense forest and - beyond - the mountains. I've always fantasized about what it would be like to run around in the forest, though of course I've never dared to go so far from the house, not since Daddy took me out there many years ago. "Gothos has the most wonderful garden," I say.
"Yep," she say, nodding.
"In the old days," I continue, "there used to be croquet games outside, and everyone would gather for huge parties. That's when the vampires were here, of course. Things are so different now".
"So you're not a vampire?" Abigail asks.
Turning to her, I can't help but laugh. "Me?" I say. "A vampire? Heavens no!" I bare my teeth for a moment, allowing her to see the distinct lack of fangs. "If I'd been born a vampire," I tell her, "I'd have gone off exploring. I'd have traveled the world and fought monsters and done all sorts of things, instead of... well, instead of spending all my time here". I pause for a moment, imagining all the fun I might have had if I'd been blessed with mark of a vampire. "Mustn't complain, though," I say. "Gothos is the most wonderful place".
"You can still go out and explore," Abigail says. "Nothing's keeping you here. The world's not that scary".
"Of course," I reply. She thinks it's so easy, but she doesn't understand what it's like for me. For one thing, the garden might look empty, but there are things living out there. Horrible things. I glance across the room, to make doubly sure that we're alone, and then I lean closer to Abigail. "Do you wan
t to know a secret?" I ask, keeping my voice low just in case one of the ghosts overhears me.
"Sure," she says.
"You must promise to keep it," I say, putting on my most serious face. "If you tell anyone, I might end up in awful trouble".
"I promise," she says with a grin, as if she's humoring me.
Reaching down, I grab her left hand and take hold of her little finger. "Promise that if you let my secret out to anyone else, you'll give me this finger. You'll cut it right off and give it to me".
She smiles. "Okay. I promise".
Letting go of her hand, I reach into my pocket and pull out one of the keys I've been carrying around with me. "Diana doesn't know I have this," I whisper, glancing around once again to make sure that there's no-one nearby. "I'm not supposed to go out into the garden on my own," I continue, "and of course I don't. But sometimes I unlock the door and open it just a chink, to give myself a thrill. I like to breathe the air from outside occasionally".
"You're a real rebel, huh?" Abigail says.
"I wouldn't say I'm a rebel," I reply, turning the handle and slowly opening the door a couple of inches, "but I do like to be naughty from time to time. Don't you?" Abigail shivers as a cold breeze blows in from the garden. "Can you smell that air?" I say. "Isn't it the freshest, most wonderful air you've ever known?"
"It's nice," she says, "but cold. I guess you don't get much sunbathing done around here". She pauses. "So when was the last time you went outside?"
"Oh," I say, trying to think. "It must have been... years and years and years ago. Daddy took me hunting, and -" I pause, trying not to think about that horrible day. "Well, I haven't been out since". I reach out to pull the door shut, but Abigail grabs my hand.