I’m a little annoyed and pissed, I’m also feeling extremely guilty but more than that I’m relieved. “It’s okay, Angel,” I tell him.
“It’s okay?”
“Yeah, it’s okay. I just think we want two completely different things. You didn’t make me any promises when we started this, I knew there was a big chance that this wasn’t going to be what you wanted. But you tried. For me. And I appreciate that but I want you to be happy and I don’t want to mess up our friendship because, honestly, I can accept losing you as a boyfriend, but I can’t stand the idea of losing you as a friend.”
“So that’s it? No, let’s try to work this out so we can be together?”
“Is that what you want?”
“I don’t know.”
“We didn’t fail, Angel. Sometimes you just have to experiment to figure out what works and what doesn’t. And we figured out we’re better off as friends. And you figured out everything you believed was true all along… you were right all along.”
“See, this is exactly why this shit sucks. I want it to work out with us Presley. I wanted to be the best damn boyfriend I could with you and even though I know you’re right, I don’t really want to let you go.”
“You can still be the best boyfriend ever, Angel. I’m just not the girl you can be that to. I mean, by all means, keep trying.”
“Do you seriously mean that? Because, honestly, the idea of you with some other guy is a little hard to swallow. I’m tempted to make this work just so that doesn’t happen.”
“No. I don’t really mean that. I don’t want to think about you with other girls but I know you will be… way sooner than I will ever be with a guy. If you didn’t pick up on it… I have issues and honestly, I don’t think most girls are as much work as I am. I mean, you know that. You’re pretty much irresistible and the reason I didn’t want to do anything more than kiss you had nothing to do with you… it was all me.”
“You know you could have talked to me about it.”
“Yeah, I know. Doesn’t really change anything though. The girl I am right now is not the girl you need.”
He lets out a long breath. “This sucks.”
“Yeah,” I agree, “it kind of does.”
“You’re still gonna be my girl though, right? I mean things aren’t gonna be weird between us and you’ll still let me flirt with you and put my arm around you… and maybe kiss you once in a while.”
“Zero weirdness. I promise.”
He laughs, “Alright. Well…good talk? I’ll see you on Monday?”
“Yeah, Angel. I’ll see you on Monday.”
I end the call and lay back on my mom’s bed. God, that sucked. I totally fucked that relationship up.
I think about the conversation I just had with my mom and I know she’s right. I know if Nash wasn’t in my life I would have tried harder with Angel. I know, for sure, that it wouldn’t have been this easy to let him go.
And now I’m alone. Which is okay. It’s good actually. If I can manage to convince both of them to remain my friends, then I think I’ll be okay.
I hope to God I’ll be okay.
I haven’t heard from Angel today which is to be expected. We broke up last night, or stopped trying, or whatever we did and I’m sure he’s happy to get back to his old life and hasn’t even thought of me today. Which sucks. But I know that letting him go was the right thing to do. All my thoughts about him recently were filled with anger and anxiety and that’s not what he his. Before this whole mess, all he ever made me feel is happiness. And before this whole mess he didn’t spend the weekend texting me, so I guess things are just back to normal. That’s what I’m hoping at least.
I haven’t heard from Nash either. And I’m scared I’ve lost him and I don’t even know why. He told me that he’s tried to write me off and he couldn’t; that he could never do that to me. But now that he’s got Hannah, it seems pretty clear that his quota of females in his life has been filled. At four o’clock I give up hope that he’ll call to see if my camera and I want to accompany him to the race and let Summer come pick me up.
We make a quick pit stop to chat with her family and grab some snacks before heading up to her room. She lays down on her pink canopy bed and I lay down next to her and wait for her to bring Nash up because I’m guessing she knows why he’s brushing me off, but I’m too proud to ask her out right.
“Sorry if I rushed you out of there. It’s still hard facing my mom on Saturdays,” she says through a sigh.
And I realize I’m an asshole and everything is not about me. I put Nash out of my head and ask her, “Because you quit dance?”
“Yeah,” she says with an uneasy smile. “I think she loved it even more than I did. It was one of our favorite things – getting up early on Saturday mornings and stopping for breakfast before getting to wherever our competition was taking place. She loved helping me get ready and the atmosphere before we competed. She loved sitting in the stands and watching me dance,” she says, sadly.
I reach over and blindly grab a hold of her hand. “I think you’re really brave.”
“Brave?” she asks, doubtfully.
“Yeah. I mean, it would be hard giving that up – I’m sure you loved it too.”
“Yeah… I did.”
“And disappointing your parents isn’t an easy thing to do.”
“That’s the worst part,” she agrees.
“But you did it. It was hard but you did it because you knew you needed this time for yourself. And I think that’s really brave.”
She squeezes my hand and says, “I suppose. It just makes me feel like a total jerk. Nash keeps telling me I’m a people pleaser and it’s okay to put myself before others sometimes but honestly, it’s not the greatest feeling. I can’t help that I like making other people happy.”
“I agree with him. You need to put yourself before others more often. I mean, I’ve never met anyone as genuine and sweet as you and I love that about you but sometimes it’s hard watching you give things up just to make other people happy.” I’m specifically thinking about the selfless way she gave Brandon up so Tatum could not feel guilty about taking him, but I’m obviously not gonna say that.
But it doesn’t matter because she knows exactly what I’m talking about. “Letting go of Brandon was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But a good example of why Nash might be wrong. If I hadn’t done that then Tatum and Brandon might not be together and even I can see that they’re perfect for each other. And I would have been planning my future with a guy who didn’t really belong to me.”
“But sometimes you have to take what you want, Summer. Even if it means not giving someone else what they want. Which is why I’m proud of you – you did something for yourself even though it meant taking something from your mom. But it’s your life… not hers. I’m sure she realizes that and you need to realize it too.”
“That’s exactly what Nash says. It’s weird how alike the two of you are. No wonder I love both of you so much.”
“Nash and I? Alike?”
She props herself up on her elbow, hovering over me. “Don’t tell me you don’t see it.”
“I don’t see it.”
“Oh my god. You’re both silly and sarcastic and have all those cute little quirks. And neither of you put up with bullshit and just love calling people on their crap. But at the same time you’re both compassionate and great listeners. But mostly it’s the way you both walk around that school with your defensive armor on but still manage to live life on your own terms and do whatever you want. You guys are like personality twins.”
“I’m not sure about your little list, but for sure I don’t live on my own terms and do whatever I want.”
“Yes you do,” she insists.
“No. I don’t. I have zero control over my life right now. How is that living on my own terms?”
“Well, yeah, you’re stuck living with Jolee… but everything else…”
“I work a job I hate, my family ha
s fallen apart and there’s nothing I can do about it, the best friend I’ve made here is focused on college and her boyfriend and I don’t see her enough, I let go of Angel because I’m too screwed up to have a relationship and Nash….” I don’t know what to say about Nash.
“Wait. You and Angel broke up?”
“We were never really dating but, yeah… back to just being friends.”
“I’m sorry,” she says, reaching out and putting her hand on my arm.
“Don’t be. It’s actually a relief.”
She stares at me for a few uncomfortable moments before saying “And what about Nash?”
I stutter a laugh. “Nothing with him is on my terms.”
She shakes her head at me. “Everything with him is on your terms.”
I huff out an annoyed breath and tell her, “Maybe for a minute it was but I was too blind to see it and now, I’ve pushed him away again and the friendship I had with him feels like it’s gone.”
She’s silent for too long. I turn and see the concern on her face. “Is that all he’s ever been to you is a friend?”
“Obviously. I mean, it’s never been a physical thing.”
“I know, but that’s not what I meant. Have you ever had feelings for him that were more than friendly?”
I turn away from her and shut my eyes. “No.”
“Maybe it’s time for you to take your own advice and be selfish, Presley. Maybe you need to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and just do what you want. With whoever you want to.”
I can’t respond to that. I know what she’s hinting at and she’s not off the mark. And maybe, at some point- before I saw him with a girl who was his perfect match, for example- I would have considered taking her advice but it’s too late for that.
I can admit to myself that I miss him – everything about him; his touch, his smell, his voice, his laughter. I can admit that I want to be with him more than anyone else in my life… that he makes me feel more alive than anyone ever has. But my mom’s right. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of rejection, I’m afraid of being wrong and looking stupid. I’m afraid of caring about him too much. I’m terrified of letting anyone, including him, know that I’ve let him into my heart.
Summer’s phone rings. She sighs and then turns away from me to answer it. “Hey…okay, great… Yep, see you in a little bit,” she says to the person on the other line.
I pull myself together and sit up in her bed, pushing my back against her headboard and forcing myself to smile when she turns back to me.
“Sorry about that.”
“It’s okay.
“Are you gonna tell me how you feel about him?” she asks, her face full of sadness.
“There’s really nothing to tell, Summer.”
“Really? Because to me, it looks like there’s something to tell. You look sad,” she says, reaching out and rubbing a hand over my arm. “And please don’t tell me you’re not. You can talk to me.”
“I don’t know. I guess I just miss him. Ever since that whole blow up with Angel when I let him think that Nash was doing something to me that he wasn’t, and now that Hannah’s in his life, things have just been different. He’s not the same with me anymore, which I understand, but I just miss him.”
“Do you tell him that?”
“Of course I don’t. I’m sure he thinks I’m bipolar as it is. I can’t keep being a bitch one minute and then needing him the next. And, really, it’s not a big deal.”
“He cares about you, Presley. It’s not my place to speak for him but I can tell you that much. And he’s just protecting himself.”
“I get that. It’s hard being my friend – I’m totally unpredictable and he has no idea what version of me is going to show up. I would be defensive too. I get it.”
She looks at me like she expects more, like she’s waiting for me to say more. “That’s not what I meant…” When I remain silent, she finally shakes her head and looks away from me. “That was Hannah on the phone. I told her she could come with us to the race, is that okay?”
I don’t really want to be faced with his super model girlfriend again, but it will be a good reality check for me. “Of course,” I tell her.
She bites her bottom lip and looks at me with apprehension.
“What?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, I know that your opinion of Nash has changed a lot lately and you would never intentionally hurt him, but don’t say anything bad about him to Hannah.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “What? Why would I do that?”
“I don’t think you would, it’s just, she goes to a different school and she doesn’t have any preconceived notions about him. She only sees the sweet guy he’s been to her. And he deserves that. He deserves to have someone give him a chance and not judge him for the mistakes he made in the past. He deserves to have someone know him for who he really is and she really likes him and I think he could eventually really like her too…”
I nod at her, understanding completely. She’s describing me. I’ve judged him more than anyone. I’ve held his past over his head more than anyone. And she’s right – he deserves to be set free of it and allowed to move on with someone like Hannah who will love him for who he is and not hate him for who he was. He deserves to be happy.
I’m already feeling like total shit about myself and it’s only exasperated when Hannah shows up. I want to hate her, but she’s so damn nice and sweet it’s pretty much impossible.
I can hate her tiny little butt for looking so good in her jeans, I can’t hate the denim button down she’s wearing because it’s exposing the perfect amount of skin and is the perfect level of cool for a street race. I can hate her black stilettos and red bandanna that she’s got tied cutely in her hair because they manage to look right together, even though they shouldn’t. I can hate that she looks sweet and sexy and perfect. But I’m trying really hard not to hate her because she’s perfect for Nash and exactly what he deserves.
“Wow, this is so exciting,” she says from the driver’s seat, looking over her shoulder to the backseat to make sure I’m included in the conversation.
I smile at her. It is exciting being on this side of the race too. A mass text went out to the people on the list notifying them where the race was gonna be since no one knows, not even Nash, until the scouts decide.
“I can’t believe I had no idea any of this existed until I met Nash,” she says brightly. “I bet he’s really good at it too?”
“He won his race last week, so I guess?” Summer says, looking to me like I’m the authority.
“Last week he was ranked number two and his dad was number one. I’m not sure how it changes week by week but Nick didn’t race last week so he might be number one now. Not sure.”
“That’s his dad, right?”
“Yes,” Summer tells her and I can’t help that I feel a little superior because Hannah’s not even sure who his dad is.
“And he races too?”
“Yeah, and Nate, his older brother, right?” she looks at me again.
I laugh. “Why do you keep asking me? I’m sure you know more about it than I do,” I say, guessing she’s just trying to include me in the conversations also.
She shrugs her shoulders. “Not really. He never really talks about it. Racing is his thing and I think he likes to keep it that way.”
That’s true. The only reason I know so much is because I was forced to be let into the inner circle last week. “Yeah, Nate races too but his car’s still not ready so he won’t be tonight.”
Nick texted me on Thursday which was so damn cute. He wanted to know if I was going to be part of their crew again. I avoided the question but we ended up texting for twenty minutes so I know that there will be seven individual races tonight and that Nick will be competing but Nate won’t.
“So, are you really close with them?” Hannah asks, no hint of jealousy in her voice. Not that a girl like her would ever think to be jealous of a girl like me.
“Really? Hmm. When I was at their house with you it seemed like you guys had known each other forever.”
“Nope,” I tell her.
Summer laughs. “Nash’s dad has a thing for Presley. Nash thinks he’s in love.”
“Gross, Summer.”
“Not like that. Like the daughter he never had or something.”
I smile at that. I feel the same way about him.
“He scared the hell out of me,” Hannah says with a laugh. “I think he was offended because I wouldn’t have a beer with him?”
“He takes a little getting used to but you’ll love him once you get to know him.” I cringe internally at the idea of her having a relationship with Nick like I do.
“I’m just afraid he won’t like me. Nash and I are so different in so many ways I’m just worried it could be an issue down the road at some point, you know?” she says, glancing at both me and Summer. Her long term plans irk me slightly but I know they shouldn’t.
“I wouldn’t worry about that,” Summer says with a tight smile.
“No? I hope not. It’s just, I really like him,” she says with a huge smile on her face. “He’s not like any guy I’ve ever met and he just makes me feel so… excited. Like, I literally can’t wait to see him again tonight.”
A Son of Carver (Carver High #2) Page 20