He reaches over and pulls me into his chest. “I’m not gonna stop trying until we have this figured out… I’ve never been more motivated to do anything in my entire life.”
I smile up at him as best I can. “Okay. I’ll try then too. All those pictures you’ve sent me, and the things you’ve asked me to do… I couldn’t do them before. Not when you were just my friend. Not with the idea of anyone but you in my head. But I think I can now. I think I’m ready to work on it.”
“If that’s what you want, Presley. But don’t do it for me.”
“Trust me Nash… I’m not.”
He laughs his sexy deep laugh then tells me, “Okay. I’ll text you later,” before kissing me gently on my lips.
I get out of his truck and run the two blocks home, a surge of energy ripping though my body, which evaporates when I walk through the door and immediately hear my aunt’s voice. She’s talking about my dad again. Sounds like she’s telling my mom my uncle will pay for the lawyer LeeAnn thinks my mom needs in order to take everything from him.
I peek into the kitchen and see them sitting at the table. My mom’s face is blank like she’s completely checked out. She spots me and subtlety shakes her head and waves her hand, telling me to go.
I sigh, then turn around and head up the stairs and into my room. Both doors to the bathroom are open so I can hear Jolee on the phone… talking about Nash.
“He’ll come crawling back to me, he always does when he’s having some personal crisis. And I mean, I feel bad about what happened to his dad and everything but I don’t know if I’m gonna give him what he wants this time. Although, god, sometimes I just crave him, you know? I mean, I’ve had some good sex in my life, but no one does me quite like he does.”
I literally gag and feel like I could puke. I walk in the bathroom, closing her door and then mine.
Why the hell did it have to be her? Why did I have to walk into that conversation right now? Why am I forced to picture his body- his perfect, capable body – with her.
I get into my sleep shirt but skip brushing my teeth or washing my face just to avoid hearing her voice. I lay in my bed and try to calm myself down and think. It’s not like I was unaware that he’s slept with her. And I know that he’s changing every day and that his feelings for me are real. But he has a past. A long messy one and as much as I want to forgive and forget it, sometimes it feels like it might be impossible.
16
I’m waiting at Presley’s locker to talk to her because she hasn’t responded to any of the texts I sent her last night or this morning and she’s not answering her phone. I don’t want there to be problems with her family situation but I can’t help that I’m hoping there might be and that’s the reason I haven’t heard from her.
Saturday night and Sunday were life altering days in my world. Things changed drastically between Presley and I and after I dropped her off last night I was sure that nothing could come between us. If she felt even a fifth of what I feel for her, then I knew I had nothing to worry about.
So now I’m standing here, blowing off everyone asking about my dad, waiting to see in her eyes that we’re still good.
I see Jolee walk through the doors which means Presley’s right behind her, which reminds me, I need to start picking her up in the mornings so she doesn’t have to ride with that girl.
I finally see her and I let out a breath of relief but when her eyes meet mine they’re full of apprehension and my heart sinks.
When I feel nails grazing my chest I flinch and immediately push the person away with too much force, even before I realize it’s Jolee.
“I thought I’d hear from you this weekend after what happened to your dad. Am I no longer your favorite kind of feel better medicine?”
I’m not looking at her, I’m looking at Presley who’s hesitating a few yards away from us.
I shove Jolee out of my path and go to Presley. When she realizes what I’m doing her eyes shift uncomfortably around the halls that are quickly filling up. Jesus. Is that what this is about? Give her a damn minute to think and she’s back to being ashamed of me?
“Don’t,” I tell her right before I get my hands around her waist. “Don’t do this to me again, Presley. Don’t act like you don’t know me just because we’re in school.”
She pushes her hands against my shoulders and backs away, looking at me apologetically and it breaks my heart. “That’s not it,” she mutters.
I don’t know what to stay so I just stare at her with confusion on my face, my hands balled into tight fists by my side.
“I’m sorry, I know you’ve been texting me and I’m not trying to blow you off… I was just waiting until I had calmed down so that I wouldn’t say, or type, anything that I would regret or that would hurt you or us… but it’s just taking a lot longer than I thought for my anger to pass.”
I shake my head at her. “What the hell are you talking about? What did I do?”
She sighs and runs a hand over the back of her neck. “Seriously, I would like to wait until the rational side of my brain starts having a say over my thoughts before I talk to you about it.”
“Presley…” I plead, using every ounce of will power I have to not grab a hold of her and wrap her in my arms, and every ounce of brain power I have trying to figure out what the hell I did.
The bell for first period rings and she gives me one last apologetic look before rushing past me, not even stopping at her locker, before going to class. What the hell?
Needless to say, the first three periods of the day were torture. I texted her and waited at her locker between periods but she’s obviously avoiding me.
When she walks into photography class I practically cheer. And it’s Monday which means lecture day which means we’ll be watching a film which means we’ll have some privacy and hopefully she’ll tell me what the hell is going on.
She sits down by me and I reach over and grab her hand, wrapping it up in mine and resting them on my leg. And she lets me. Which is good.
I keep my mouth shut until the lights are out and the film’s started and then I turn to her and ask her, “Are you gonna tell me what’s going on because I’ve been wracking my brain all morning trying to figure out what I did and I’m not coming up with anything.”
She leans into me, her shoulder touching mine and whispers, “Will you promise not to get mad at me if I tell you?”
I turn to her, finding her eyes in the dim room. “Yeah. Why would I be mad at you? I mean, besides the fact that you’re blowing me off again?”
She lets out a long breath than says quietly, “I know you’re not the guy you used to be and I know you were never the guy I once thought you were but… when I got home last night Jolee was on the phone…” She pauses and I’m panicking already. This can’t be good. “She was saying how she was just waiting to hear from you because you always go to her when there’s a crisis in your life and that she didn’t know if she was gonna give you what you wanted this time but that she craves you and that no one has ever done her the way you do.”
When she’s done speaking, she leans away from me and also takes her hand from mine. I don’t think she means to even though it’s one hundred percent a natural response to the words she just spoke to me. If I could get away from myself, I’d be doing the same thing.
I lean forward on our table and bury my face in my hands wishing like hell that I could change the things I’ve done and totally hating myself. Hearing those words come out of Presley’s mouth kills me. Thinking about her having to hear those words… to picture me with her cousin… completely slays me.
I take my face from my hands and turn my head to look at her. The pain on her face, the insecurity, makes me want to hide again but I can’t run away from all the stupid things I’ve done.
“I don’t know what to say to that, Presley. Before you came into my life, I made a million mistakes. I wish I had always known that you were coming. But I didn’t. I didn’t know what it felt like to care a
bout someone more than I cared about myself. Before you, I never had to work to earn anyone’s respect. No one expected me to be anything other than the arrogant selfish asshole I always have been. Until you came along, no one fought to find out what was good about me. I wish I’d had the foresight to realize that eventually someone would come along that I wanted to be good for, that the mistakes I was making would someday not only hurt me, but hurt the first girl I really cared about. That my past would make me feel ashamed and unworthy when I looked in her eyes. But I didn’t have you then. And I didn’t respect anything or anyone. And nothing I did had a purpose. Everything was temporary.
“It kills me having to think about you hearing those words and I don’t know how to make it hurt less. I don’t know how you can live with that image in your head and still look at me, still talk to me…Fuck.”
I can’t look at her anymore. I can’t think about what I look like through her eyes. I bury my face in my hands again, my fingers grasping onto my hair, wanting so badly to serve a purpose; to physically do something that could change all this, but there’s nothing to do. Everything’s already been done and I can’t change it.
And then I feel her hand tentatively resting on my back, and then her forehead resting on my arm. I know I have no right to, but I reach around her neck and pull her into me, wrapping my other arm around her and holding her but still not able to look at her.
Eventually, she shifts in my hold until she’s no longer in my arms. “I don’t want you to feel bad about the things you’ve done, Nash. You can’t change your past and I don’t want you living with regret I just…need some time. Not away from you or anything… just some time to get over my anger and jealousy.”
“You don’t have anything to be jealous about, Presley.”
“Fine, but now I’m messed up. Now, when you say things like that to me all I can do is wonder what words you used to get Tatum to stay with you. You act like what’s happening between us is some big revelation for you, but you were with her for five years. And I watched as she stayed with you while you screwed around with other girls, I listened as she told me I didn’t know you, that I didn’t understand what the two of you had, that I didn’t understand what a good guy you are. And she told me those things days after you slept with Jolee- the same girl who still craves you and has never been done by anyone the way she’s been done by you.
“And when I looked at Tatum I felt so bad for her because I knew that whatever you were telling her- whatever you were saying that was making her stay- must have been really good but must have also been a complete lie… and I never want to be that girl.
“I never want someone to look at me the way I looked at Tatum. And now when you say crap like that to me it breaks my heart and I want to believe it, I want to believe that I’m not dumb, that you really care about me and that the things you say to me are sincere, but I know that’s exactly what Tatum thought… so all I can really do is wonder if what I’m getting are just a bunch of recycled lines that turned Tatum into the girl I pitied.”
She lets out several long breaths, putting her hands to her head. I want to reach out and touch her but I know I don’t get to do that, not now… maybe never again.
“Damn it,” she mutters shaking her head. “I told you Nash… I told you I needed time so that when I talked to you I wouldn’t say a bunch of crap I didn’t mean that would hurt you.”
I feel like I’m in shock. Like reality just kicked my ass and held a huge mirror up to my face and for the first time I can see who I really am. The guy she just described is a heartless fucking monster. The guy she described is someone Presley should stay the hell away from.
She’s staring at me expectantly and all I can say is, “You did mean it though, Presley. I don’t know why I ever thought I deserved you.”
“Stop,” she says angrily. “I don’t mean it. I know I don’t it’s just because it’s… her. And it’s just because her bedroom is right next to mine and I know what her room looks like and what her sheets and pillows look like and she’s always walking around in her damn underwear and I know… I can see it so clearly it’s messing with my head.
“But I know you, Nash. I know who you are with me. And I don’t mean it. I just need a minute to get past it.” She lets out a frustrated breath and balls her hands up at her temples, leaning on the table, shaking her head.
And all I can think is I did this to her. To the girl I’m trying to make realize how beautiful and perfect she is. How is she ever gonna feel that way with someone like me?
And I get it now. I get why she would be ashamed, why she would feel stupid for trusting me and wanting to be with me. Why she wouldn’t want anyone to know that she let me into her life. And I don’t blame her.
Eventually she sits up and crosses her arms over her stomach, staring at the Smart Board. I won’t try to convince her of anything. I wouldn’t even know what to say.
At some point her phone vibrates in her pocket and she takes it out, returning a text with angry thumbs. She’s shaking her head at her phone reading responses, then bashing the screen again with her thumbs. I imagine my names being bashed into the screen.
I wonder who she’s venting to. Who will take care of her when I’m the one who’s doing the breaking?
The bell rings at the end of class and Presley is out of her seat immediately. I take my time getting up and going to the door. Outside of it, she’s waiting for me and I want to tell her to go, to run the hell away, but I don’t. I don’t say anything. She doesn’t say anything. We just walk next to each other until we reach her locker and she leaves me to be with Angel and Tatum.
“Hey,” I hear Tatum calling. I don’t imagine it’s me she’s trying to talk to so I keep walking. “Nash,” she say, grabbing onto my shoulder and stopping me.
I have no choice but to look at her.
“Holy shit, you look like hell. Nicks okay, right?”
I manage to nod at her.
She narrows her eyes at me. “What the hell’s wrong then?”
I almost wish I could tell her. I almost want to ask her if Presley’s right about me. “When we were together I lied to you a lot. I told you a lot of shit that I didn’t really mean.”
She shakes her head at me. “What the hell, Nash?”
“But it wasn’t all bullshit. At the end, especially, all those times I was pleading with you, telling you how I felt about you and how much I regretted what I had done… none of that was bullshit. Sleeping with Jolee is the biggest regret of my life. I just want you to know that.”
She laughs, her eyes narrowing further at me. “Please don’t tell me you’re trying to get me back. I thought we were done with that crap.”
“No,” I tell her, shaking my head. “We are done with that I just wanted you to know that.”
“You realize I could always tell when you were lying to me and when you were telling me the truth. There was only one time I fell for your bullshit, but other than that I always knew. Why do you think I wouldn’t make any kind of real commitment to you?”
“What time was that… when you believed me?”
“The first time I asked you about Jolee after I came back from LA.” She laughs. “Presley tried to tell me the truth and I didn’t believe her. I believed you. She could always see through your bullshit though – from day one, before you even did anything to her, she could call your bullshit from a mile away.”
Jesus. How fucked up is that? I shake my head. I don’t know how to make sense out of that.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah… I mean, no, I’m not. But it’s nothing you have to worry about.”
“Listen, Nash, hearing about the accident… it scared me. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much worse it could have been. Or the fact that it easily could have been you in that car. I know the four of us are trying to get past everything that’s happened, but it wasn’t until that moment that I realized I really do wish you were still part of my life… that t
he four of us could get back what we had. Because you guys were my family. And you still mean a lot to me. And… I’ve forgiven you. I’ve truly, one hundred percent forgiven you for everything you did to me and I hope you can forgive me too. And Brandon for that matter.”
“I don’t know if it even matters anymore… but thank you. It honestly means a lot to me that you’re willing to do that. I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know,” she tells me with a sad smile. She reaches out and wraps her arms around me, giving me a quick hug before releasing me. It’s a feeling I used to know well and one that I thought I loved, but nothing feels the same anymore. Nothing will ever feel the same.
The rest of the day is one big fog. I can’t get outside of my head. I can’t see more than an inch in front of me. And I’m dreading going home. I can’t be moping around that house when I’m supposed to be helping my dad out. And I know he’ll ask about her. I know he’ll nag my ass until I tell him why she’s not there. “Fuck,” I mutter to myself as I reach my truck.
“I know… you don’t want to talk to me, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to be a pain in your ass.”
I look up and see Presley standing by the hood of my truck. “No… I mean, that’s not why I was saying fuck… I didn’t even see you there. What are you doing there?”
“You’re dad’s harassing me. I tried to tell him that you would probably want him to yourself tonight, but he’s threatening my life.”
“What? Did he call you?” I ask, baffled.
“Texting,” she says, holding out her phone and running a finger down the screen so I can see what looks like pages and pages of conversation. Is he who she was texting in class? What the hell.
“He texts you?”
She screws up her face at me. “Constantly. Doesn’t he text you?”
“No. Never.”
A Son of Carver (Carver High #2) Page 24