Lucy nodded. ‘Yeah, I know what you mean. It has been full on. But you will tell Steve if you’re going off him, won’t you? I’d hate to see him hurt and I want to be prepared for any reactions.’
‘Yeah. Course. But my feelings for him haven’t changed. Honest,’ I said. It was true. They hadn’t changed. I still really liked Steve, always would, but I couldn’t deny that what I felt for Luke was on another level. Oh hell. There’s that expression again. Did Luke mean what I mean by another level? As in fancy-like-mad, never-felt-this-way-before-in-my-life type level? Oh shut up, shut up, shut up, I told myself as we went into maths.
By the time Wednesday came round, I was feeling marginally saner. Everything was OK with the girls, clearly nobody had said anything and I had it clear in my mind that if I could just get through the project and see Nesta through the break up with Luke then I wouldn’t have to see him again. It would all blow over. And then we’d move to Devon where I’d definitely never see him again.
I geared myself up to seeing Luke at the meeting and being really cool but, when I arrived in the prefab, Sian was the only one there, bent over some notes at one of the tables.
‘Hey,’ I said as I walked in. ‘Others not here yet?’
Sian shook her head. ‘Not coming,’ she said. ‘Luke wants to go over some things with Olivia. I guess we’re not wanted.’
I felt a mixture of relief and disappointment. ‘Oh, OK,’ I said and put my rucksack down next to hers on the table.
Sian looked agitated. ‘Do you think he fancies Olivia?’
‘Olivia? Er, I don’t think so. They’ve been mates a long time. She told me. He’s a friend of her brother.’
Sian sighed, then shifted some papers around. After a few moments, she looked up at me. ‘TJ. Can I talk to you?’
‘Sure.’
‘Promise you won’t tell anyone?’
Oh no, I thought. She’s going to tell me about her crush on Luke. I shook my head. ‘No, I won’t tell anyone.’
‘It’s about Luke,’ she started. No surprise there, I thought as I sat at the desk and waited to hear all about her unrequited love. ‘He . . . well, we . . .’
‘You like him, don’t you?’ I asked. I thought I’d make it easy for her. We were in the same situation after all. She was clearly mixed-up, wondering if Luke was coming on to every girl he spent time with. She was worried about Olivia. I was worried about her.
She nodded. ‘I don’t expect you to really be able to understand . . .’ she continued.
Hah! I thought. Little do you know but you couldn’t have picked anybody more perfect to understand. Emotionally we were twins. Both experiencing unrequited love. I decided that I’d hear her out and give her the same advice that Hannah had given me. Luke was a babe. Loads of people had crushes on him, but she had to try and get over it. Stay cool. Move on.
‘See, it’s really difficult . . .’ Sian continued.
‘Yes . . .’
‘I know Nesta’s a mate of yours, so you mustn’t tell her that I know, but he’s going to finish with her. It’s not working out with them.’
‘Really?’ I was surprised that he’d told her. Strange, I thought. But then maybe I was so unhelpful on Sunday that he felt he had to go somewhere else for advice or a shoulder to cry on.
Sian nodded. ‘Yes. I do feel bad about it but then, what’s happening with us is so strong that, well, he couldn’t carry on with Nesta, it wouldn’t be fair to her.’
D’oh, I thought. Am I missing something here? ‘Er . . . what do you mean what’s happening with you?’
‘Me and Luke.’
Poor Sian, I thought. She really imagines that she has a chance but, after what he said to me about her, she’s going to get badly let down.
‘Sian,’ I said. ‘I know Luke is lovely, but I reckon he gets a lot of people fancying him. And he’s so open and friendly with everyone, sometimes it’s possible to get the wires crossed, if you know what I mean. Read too much into things. You have to take care of yourself. You don’t want to get your hopes up, then get hurt when nothing happens.’
‘Oh I’m sure I’ve not got my wires crossed . . .’
God, she has it bad, I thought. She really has been reading a lot into the time she’s spent with him.
‘Sian, Luke’s a very touchy-feely kind of guy. It doesn’t always mean anything and it has to be a two-way thing for it to work.’
‘I know. And it is.’
‘But how do you know that, when nothing’s happened between you?’
‘But it has happened. He came over on Monday night. Now I’ve no doubt that he feels the same.’
I felt a horrible lurch in the pit of my stomach. ‘But how?’
Sian looked coy for a moment. ‘He kissed me.’
That shut me up. He kissed her? But . . . but, I thought, he told me that she was a poor mixed-up kid. That he could never fancy her.
‘Oh sorry TJ, you looked shocked. I know Nesta’s your friend. Sorry. We didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt. But he is going to finish with her. He’s just waiting for the right moment to tell her, then we can be together.’
I felt like my brain was going to explode. Could this have been what he wanted to talk to me about on Sunday? I asked myself. Not just finishing with Nesta, but starting to go with Sian . . . ? No, surely not. But then . . . maybe. Oh God. How could I have been such a foot? Talk about getting your wires crossed, misreading the signals. I get the prize. All ready to tell Sian what an idiot she was with her unreciprocated love and how it was all in her head, when all along it was me that had it in my head and I couldn’t have been more wrong about everything. Oh God. I’d been so sure that there was something special between us. All those longing looks he gave me. Then again . . . maybe he’s playing everyone along. Me, Sian, Nesta. All of us. No. He’s not like that. It’s all in my stupid head. He’d kissed Sian, hadn’t he? But then . . . it can’t be that special between them if she’s worried about him spending time with Olivia. She can’t be that sure of him. Maybe he’s just notching girls up, seeing how many he can score. Olivia did warn me in the beginning. He likes to prove to himself that he can have anyone. No. No. He’s a nice guy. Oh God I feel confused.
Email: Inbox (1)
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: 8th December
Subject: Dishy dude
Hey dingbat features
What’s happening over there? Hope all is OK with the Lukieminukie. Let me know.
Yours
Hanahlulu
Email: Outbox (1)
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: 10th December
Subject: Re Dishy dude
Hi Hannah
This is the worst day of my whole whole life. I’ve never felt so totally down and confused. Turns out Luke isn’t into Nesta. Or me. He’s into this strange-looking girl called Sian. At least I think he is. She just told me, they’ve kissed already. I was all ready to tell her that she was misreading the signals and was on a lost cause when she confessed that they’d snogged. You can misread someone holding your hand but a snog’s a snog. No misreading that. I feel a fool. Miserable. Stupid. Can’t trust my own feelings, don’t know if I can trust the signals I’m getting from Luke. Who can I trust?
Yours truly
Foolish in Finchley
Email: Inbox (1)
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: 10th December
Subject: Re Dishy dude
ME! Idioto. You can trust me. Nothing is over until the fat lady sings or something like that. Listen. I’ve snogged people I don’t fancy. Wrong place. Too much sun. Temporary loss of sanity. All sorts of reasons.
I think you ought to go and have it out with dishy dude. See what’s really going on in his head regards you, this Sian girl and Nesta. You’ve got nothing to lose by the so
und of it and, knowing you as I do, you aren’t one to let your imagination get the better of you.
Keep me updated. Sounds like life over there is much more exciting than over here. Nothing’s happening. Don’t fancy anyone.
Tres boooring. I feel like a nun. Nun of this, nun of that, geddit?
Love
Sister Mary Conceptua Hannah
Chapter 13
Horrible. Life can’t get more horrible, I thought after I’ d got home. The hour spent with Sian had been excruciating with her going on and on about Luke, not realising that her every word was like rubbing salt in a wound.
‘Supper’s on the table,’ called Mum from the kitchen.
‘Not hungry,’ I called back. ‘I’ ll have something later.’
Much later, I thought. I felt sick, like I never wanted to eat again. I threw myself on my bed. I hate this feeling, I thought. I so want to be back to normal. Before Steve. Before Luke. Back when I was about eight and all I thought about boys was that they were noisy creatures who picked their noses, had smelly socks and were to be avoided at all costs. It’s rotten fancying boys. It’s rotten being a teenager. It’s rotten being me.
I replied to an email from Hannah bringing her up to date on my latest nightmare, then I tried to do some homework, but my mind wouldn’t concentrate. I attempted Izzie’s meditation to calm myself, but peace of mind seemed a million miles away and I couldn’t get the image of Luke kissing Sian out of my head. I needed something to relax that was easy to do. An aromatic bath, I thought, that’s supposed to be effective. Last time I’d seen her, Izzie had given me a list of oils from her essential oil book that you could add to the water to combat stress. I went and looked at my lotions and potions and found the one with lavender in it that Nesta had given me for my birthday. Lavender’s one of the oils on the list, so I went and ran a bath then poured in a few drops. It smelt delicious, but when I got in, I felt guilty lying there inhaling a lovely scent given to me by a friend who I knew I’d let down.
After my bath I checked my emails and luckily Hannah had replied quickly. Talk to Luke, she said. At first I thought, no way, I can’t and emailed her back saying so. What’s the point? I had my chance to talk to him on Sunday and I blew it. I had the conversation with him in my head instead, imagining what he’d say. Over and over again. Each time, I changed the script. Maybe I should talk to Nesta? Tell her about Sian. She deserves to know. No. I can’t do that. That’s Luke’s responsibility and besides, I don’t really know what the story is or what’s going on with them at all.
This is mad, I thought after a while, why don’t I just have it out with Luke? Hannah’s right. I’ve got nothing to lose, not any more. My sanity went weeks ago. Talk to him. Find out for once and for all what’s going on, with Sian, with Nesta, with me.
I went to the phone, picked it up then lost my nerve and put it down again.
After a few deep breaths, I picked it up again and dialled. My heart was thumping in my chest as it began to ring at his end.
‘Hello,’ said an Indian-sounding voice.
‘Um, is Luke there?’
‘I’m afraid you have the wrong number, my dear,’ said the voice and the phone clicked off.
I checked the numbers, picked up the phone and dialled once more. I can do this, I can do this, I told myself as the phone began to ring at the other end. Just as I heard someone pick up, my bedroom door opened and Mum came in with some cheese on toast on a plate. I almost had a heart attack and quickly slammed down the phone.
‘Mum!’
‘Sorry, love, were you talking to someone?’
‘No. I mean yes, I mean . . . finished.’
Mum put the plate on my desk, then sat on the end of my bed. ‘Is everything all right, TJ?’
‘Yeah. Course. Why?’
‘Just you haven’t seemed your usual self lately. Is something bothering you?’
‘No. Fine, everything’s fine. Been busy. School project. And course, thinking about Devon. But yes, everything’s fine.’
Mum sighed and got up. ‘Eat up your supper and I’ll bring you a cup of tea,’ she said as she went to the door where she paused. ‘If you need to talk to me about anything, I’m always here.’
For a brief moment, I thought I would talk to her. She’d been a teenager once, many lifetimes ago. Maybe she went through something like this. Maybe she’d understand. I was just about to open my mouth when the phone rang causing me to jump again.
‘Are you going to get that?’ asked Mum.
I nodded and picked up the extension. It was Luke.
I put my hand over the receiver. ‘For me,’ I whispered to Mum.
Mum nodded and left me to it.
‘Hey, Watts,’ said Luke. ‘Did you just ring me?’
‘Er, no, that is yeah . . .’
‘Thought so. The phone went but when I picked up there was no one there, so I rang one-four-seven-one and it gave me your number.’
‘Oh yeah, just my m . . . I got disturbed.’
‘So what can I do for you?’
I took a deep breath and decided to go for it. ‘I just left Sian,’ I said, then waited for him to tell me what had happened with them.
‘So?’ he said after a pause.
‘So, she told me what happened between you.’
Luke laughed or rather snorted at the other end. ‘I bet she did.’
‘So you’re not denying it.’
‘Hey, Watts,’ said Luke. ‘I told you that she had a crush on me.’
‘Yeah, but she says you feel the same way.’
‘Yeah, right,’ Luke snorted again.
‘She said you kissed her.’
‘Oh did she now?’
‘Well did you or didn’t you?’
‘Would you care either way, Watts?’
‘Me? No, course not. Just after what you were saying the other day, about Nesta . . .’
‘Listen,’ said Luke in a serious tone, ‘Sian kissed me. There’s a difference. No way was it a two-way thing if you get what I mean. She took me unaware, invited me round saying she wanted to go through the Highgate side of things on the project and me, like a total fool, fell for it. I told you, no way would I fancy Sian. She’s just not my type. No way. It’s all in her head.’
‘She thinks you’re going to go out with her after you’ve finished with Nesta.’
I could hear Luke sigh. ‘Bugger,’ he said. ‘I’m going to have to tell her straight, aren’t I?’
‘Dunno,’ I said. ‘I guess.’ My mind was reeling. I wanted to believe him. It did sound like he was telling the truth, but there was a niggling feeling at the back of my mind telling me that something wasn’t right.
‘I really didn’t kiss her,’ said Luke as if picking up on my need for more reassurance. ‘I let her kiss me for like . . . a nanosecond. I didn’t want to . . . you know, like . . . push her off. That would have been cruel. It can be hard knowing how to play it sometimes. How do you let someone down? I mean, she’s a sweet kid and I didn’t want to hurt her. You must know how it can be. Sometimes you do the kissing, sometimes you are kissed, sometimes it’s totally mutual. But no way was it with Sian.’
I felt weird talking about different types of kisses with Luke. It brought too many images up in my mind. Which I did like. So there was nothing to the kiss with Sian. Once again, Hannah had been right and it was possible to get into a situation where you ended up snogging (or being snogged by) someone you didn’t want to be with. So he didn’t fancy her, but I still didn’t know what he felt about me. I should ask him, I thought, but I didn’t know how to begin. I needed time to think about how to phrase it, without dropping myself in it and looking a total prat. But I needed to know. I needed to know really badly if what I’d been feeling over the last few weeks had all been in my imagination or whether he felt the same way.
‘Listen Luke . . .’
‘Yeah?’
‘Um . . . tomorrow, after school . . . er . . . could you, could we meet up?
’
‘You asking me on a date, Watts?’
‘No. Course not. No date. Talk.’ Then I wondered when my use of English had disintegrated to Tarzan speak – like me Tarzan, you Jane. Me TJ. You Luke. Ugabuga. I am beyond help, I thought.
Luke laughed. ‘Oh. No date? Talk,’ he said. ‘Why can’t we talk now?’
‘Um . . . not on the phone. I . . . I want to see you in person.’
‘Hmmm. Sounds serious, Watts. OK. Yeah. I can do that. Be good. What time?’ His voice sounded warm.
‘About seven? Under the trees in Pond Square.’
‘I’ll be there,’ he said.
Essential Oils to Aid Relaxation
Add six to eight drops to the bath water as it is running. Swish the oil around so that it doesn’t all stay in one spot.
Camomile
Cedarwood
Clary sage
Lavender
Marjoram
Neroli
Patchouli
Petitgrain
Rose
Rosewood
Sandalwood
Ylang ylang
Chapter 14
The following day at school I felt like I was floating on a cloud. A dark cloud full of thunder, rain and lightning maybe, but a cloud none the less and my state of mind didn’t go unnoticed.
‘Are you with us, Theresa Joanne?’ asked Miss Watkins in PSHE.
‘And what’s so exciting out there, Miss Watts?’ asked Mr Johnson in English, when he caught me gazing out of the window.
‘Calling TJ Watts, TJ Watts,’ said Mrs Elwes in art. ‘Earth to planet Watts. Come back.’
I had so much to consider. Moving to Devon was still on the agenda and my life and all its complications here might soon all be behind me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. It kept changing. And Steve. I’d hardly seen him since the project began and although we usually only met at the weekend, we did generally talk on the phone in the week. We’d both been busy and he had a lot on with his photography team, but I wondered if he’d minded that I hadn’t been calling as often as usual. And then, there was Luke. Part of me felt anxious about the meeting with him tonight, and part of me felt a rush of excitement. In case any of the girls sussed my strange state of mind and started asking questions, I made my excuses at lunchtime and buried myself in research in the library. They were cool about it. Everyone involved in the project was under pressure as the presentation of our work so far was next week, so we had to get everything finished.
Mates, Dates and Tempting Trouble Page 9