by Sadie Allen
Oh. My. Gosh. I felt my eyes widen, and I rolled to face him.
“Does that mean …?” I choked out.
“I don’t know. I haven’t checked.”
“So, she could be lying?”
“Who knows?” He sounded tired.
I was going to be sick. My heart felt like it was going to pound straight out of my chest.
“Let’s go look. Now,” I demanded, impatience drumming a chaotic beat over my nerves. I had to know, or I was going to lose it right here behind the football field in the dark.
I hauled myself to my feet and was about to leave him there, but I couldn’t. He had the keys.
When I heard him get up, I practically jogged back the way we had come. Sterling caught up, and we raced back to the student parking lot. We had done it only the one time, but once was enough to get someone pregnant.
Sweat was dripping down my back and wetting my hairline. When we got to Sterling’s beat-up old Chevelle, I wiped my damp hands down the front of my shiny black leggings, disregarding the pain it caused.
Sterling dug in his pocket for the key as I shook out my hands and danced on the balls of my feet. Then he was in the car and had the glove compartment open. I glanced surreptitiously around the parking lot to make sure no one was outside who could see us doing this. Still, I moved closer to Sterling, hoping to shield what he was doing from sight.
I was never having sex again after this. Nope. Never. I wasn’t prepared to be a mother. If I didn’t have sex, I wouldn’t have to worry about becoming a teen mom or catching something I couldn’t get rid of.
He grabbed a couple of the foil packets and handed one to me. I examined the square, flipping it over to check both sides, but I couldn’t see a disruption in the package.
“I don’t see anything.”
“I don’t either.”
I handed Sterling the condom, and he set it on the seat.
“Let’s check them all to make sure.”
We then proceeded to check every condom in his glove box, and he even pulled the ones out of his wallet. Neither of us could find anything wrong with them.
I leaned against the car and slid down until my butt hit the concrete. He sat in the passenger seat, his elbows to his knees, wrists loose, and his head bent.
“So, she lied,” I muttered, feeling a measure of relief.
“Looks that way. Or she just poked holes in the one. I don’t know.” Exhaustion seemed to coat every word.
We sat in the parking lot with the bugs buzzing and congregating around the still lit light poles, not saying anything, lost in our own thoughts. I wasn’t in a good place. I’d had a lot of information thrown at me, and I didn’t even know how to start processing it.
Did I want to get tangled up in this mess? Would it be wrong not to want to wade in and support Sterling during this time? He had hurt me, but he had lifted me up at my lowest point. Shouldn’t I do that for him, as well? I didn’t know if I had it in me. If I was strong enough or secure enough. I needed time. I needed to think.
“You know …” he began, but stopped.
I turned my head in his direction and saw he hadn’t moved.
“Know what?” I asked, wondering if I had actually heard him say anything or if it had been my imagination.
“Nah. I probably shouldn’t say this,” he muttered almost under his breath.
“What?”
“I should …” he started, but then stopped again.
“Just tell me.” My voice relayed my impatience. I was tired of this game and not in the mood to play it.
He lifted his eyes to me, and they roamed over my body. I had forgotten, again, amongst the current meltdown, that I was still dressed in the spandex outfit of sexy bad girl Sandy.
“I should probably be hot for you right now, dressed like that and holding a condom”—I looked at my hands, and sure enough, I was still holding the square packages—“but I don’t think I could get it up if my life depended on it at the moment.”
I laughed, but my heart wasn’t in it. I really hoped no one walked up on us dressed like this, at this time of night, surrounded by a bunch of condoms. Speaking of.
I tossed the condoms I had been holding in his direction and missed. They landed at his feet.
He reached down and picked them up, holding them between two fingers. Then he twisted and threw them in the glove compartment before slamming it closed.
“I need time,” I whispered.
“What?” he asked just as quietly.
“I need time,” I stated more firmly, unable to look at him.
“For what? Are you breaking up with me?”
Was I? The thought of breaking up with him made my heart seize. But, could I be with a guy who had a kid, if the child Raven carried was his? How would that work? I believed him when he said our relationship wasn’t about revenge, but I couldn’t get the sight of him and Raven kissing out of my head. It was burned there, playing on a continual loop.
“I don’t want to break up.” I knew that down to my bones, yet I needed time to get my head on straight. “I don’t think I could end it, even if I wanted to,” I told him softly, lifting my eyes to his and seeing his face was soft yet sad. He knew I was in deep with him.
“You probably should,” he said in a husky voice. “Or I should probably let you go, at least until I figure things out. But, like you, I can’t. I just can’t give you up.” His voice cracked, and I saw the wetness fill his eyes. An answering wetness filled my own, and my body bucked with a restrained sob.
“What’s going to happen if you do turn out to be the father?” I asked brokenly.
He rubbed the tears off his cheeks with the butt of his hand and answered, “I don’t know.”
Hesitantly, I asked, “Have you told Pops?”
“No, and he’s going to flip his lid when I do.” Sterling blew out a breath and stared off into the distance, probably envisioning how that conversation would go.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, and I was. I hated this situation. I hated it for me, but mainly I hated it for him. It wasn’t fair.
“Me, too.”
I sucked in a breath and pushed myself up. “I better go.”
He nodded, not looking at me, his eyes still fixated on whatever was across the parking lot, or maybe something across the street.
“How much time are you going to need?” He sounded resigned.
“I don’t know.”
He turned back to me, his face anguished, and said one of the most tragically beautiful things I had ever heard in my entire life.
“I love you, Ally. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I’ll give you time, and when you’re ready, I will be right here waiting for you.”
I nodded, mouth dry and throat tight. It felt like there was a gulf separating us now, and I didn’t know if we were ever going to be able to close it. Right now, it felt almost impossible.
Tears were rapidly falling down my face. I didn’t know a body could produce this many tears. Shouldn’t I have run out by now?
I took off, running toward the building to get my things, sobbing the entire way there. I was glad everyone was gone. I was sure Mrs. Cook or maintenance were still around, but I didn’t run into anyone.
When I came back out, Sterling’s car was gone. I stood there and stared at where it had been as a bleakness I had never felt had me wrapping my arms around my middle. I felt lost and so utterly alone.
When I finally got into my car and was on my way home, I lost it. I screamed out my anguish so loud that it hurt my own ears.
Before lunch on Monday, I found myself seated in the waiting area outside the principal’s office. An office aide had come and gotten me from Physics, telling me to grab my things, but not why I was being summoned.
When ten minutes had gone by, and he still hadn’t called me in, I pulled out my phone and opened my Snapchat. I scrolled through all the ones I had saved, and a pang came from the left side of my chest. It had barel
y been two days, but I missed him.
I missed his voice, his touch, his smell. I missed his blue eyes with specks of brown, and him calling me “princess.” I missed that cocky grin, and the way he made me blush with just a look.
I had pulled out my phone several times already today, just to remember what it was like before it had all gone wrong, but also in hope that maybe he would ignore my wishes and contact me.
I wondered if Sterling was calling and texting Raven—making plans to go to the doctor or to meet up to discuss their future. My stomach turned at the thought of the two of them together. They matched in their beauty, and now they could be sharing that with a child they had created. A happy little family.
My nostrils started to burn, and tears threatened to fall for the millionth time since it had happened.
I had made it home on Saturday in one piece and had gone straight to bed. Sleep had proved elusive that night. I had tossed and turned, haunted by the scene I had walked in on with Sterling and Raven backstage, Sterling’s tormented face, and the nightmares of Sterling holding Raven in his arms as they gazed down lovingly at a dark-haired baby bundled in blue blankets.
When I was awake, I was in misery. I had stayed abed most of yesterday, gazing helplessly down at my phone. Blake and Elodie had texted and sent several snaps, but I had ignored them, not having the energy or inclination to explain what had happened the night before.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, I couldn’t decide which, it appeared that Sterling was honoring my request of time and was leaving me be. For the millionth time, I questioned my decision, but there were too many unanswered questions. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to take on the responsibilities of having a teen father as a boyfriend, or if he would even have time for a relationship. I knew my parents would not be thrilled with me being involved with someone who had impregnated another high school girl. So, even if I wanted to be with him, it would probably be forbidden.
My mom had come to my room yesterday morning and felt my head since, these were her words, “you look like death.” She had then come back several more times to check on me and had brought me soup that I’d had no appetite for, thinking I was sick. I hadn’t disabused her of the idea. I had just poured the soup in the toilet when I had gotten up to use the bathroom.
I had been late to school this morning after another night of interrupted sleep and unwanted thoughts. When I had pulled into the parking lot, I still had no answers for our predicament and had slipped deeper into the depression Sterling’s absence had caused.
His car had been parked in his assigned spot on the row in front of mine, and I’d had to fight back the ache of unshed tears. I hadn’t thought my body had any more to spare. My chest had ached, and I had thought that maybe being late was a blessing.
I didn’t know how I would react to seeing Sterling in the wake of Saturday night’s revelations. I was hurt, and my emotions were all over the place. I hated being vulnerable, and that was what he had made me.
I heard the front office door open and looked to see my mother hustling through.
“Mom?” I asked, confused as to why she was here.
“Hey, honey,” she greeted as she walked to the desk and signed in. She was dressed in bootcut jeans that flattered her curvy figure; a pastel pink, flowy top that was Boho chic; and a pair of dove gray ankle booties. Her hair was styled and curled to perfection, as always, and she wore silver jewelry at her neck, wrists, and ears. I liked this look on her. Usually, she dressed stiffly and formally when she came to the school. Clearly, that had been at my father’s insistence.
“Do you know why they called me?”
“No. They pulled me out of class twenty minutes ago, and no one has told me why either.” I bit my lower lip and tugged at the hem of one of the tops I had ordered from ModCloth.
We both had changed in the past month and a half, inwardly and outwardly. My father’s “extended business trips” had lent us the freedom we were rarely granted when he was home, as evidenced by our change in style.
The door to Principal Goddard’s office opened, and he stuck his head out. “Mrs. Everly and Miss Everly? Would y’all mind stepping into my office?” He looked behind my mother, obviously searching for my father, then reverted his attention back to her. “Do we need to wait on Derek?” he asked, his tone deceptively nonchalant, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
Mom straightened her spine and said in a forbidding tone, “No, he’s out of town for work, so it’ll just be me today.”
Mr. Goddard’s face turned grim, and he avoided my gaze. I had a very bad feeling about what was coming next, even if I didn’t have a clue as to what it was.
“You may want to call him now. We can possibly delay this meeting.”
She shook her head.
Mr. Goddard let out a weary sigh, resigned. “Okay, then.”
He stepped back, and my mother and I followed him through the door. He gestured to the two open chairs in front of his desk as he rounded it.
I sat down, but then froze when I noticed the police officer standing in the corner. Icy cold fingers of dread gripped my throat, making it hard to swallow the excess saliva that had filled my mouth. What was going on?
Mr. Goddard sat in the office chair behind his desk and rolled it forward. He slowly placed his hands on the desk and folded them. The good-natured man who always had a joke and a smile was gone. This man was one I wasn’t familiar with, never having reason to be on his bad side. Now he was stern and official looking. Needless to say, I was freaking out.
“The reason I’ve called you both in here is because the drug dog detected something in your vehicle, Ally. Officer Michaels would like consent to search.”
I looked to the stone-faced Officer Michaels. He was a tall, muscular, African American man of indeterminate age, with a shiny bald head. In any other circumstance, I would think he was attractive in his crisp black uniform with its shiny gold badge. Right now, though? Not so much. I couldn’t think past the adrenaline pumping through my system and the frenetic beat of my heart.
“Normally, we don’t call the parents in for vehicle searches, but since you and your husband are very involved with the school and community, I decided to give you this courtesy.”
More like he didn’t want my dad to launch a lawsuit against the school district. I wasn’t sure he could, since they hadn’t violated any of my rights, but it would be something my dad would threaten, no matter what. Fear was a currency my dad used liberally and often.
My stomach started to cramp, and I could feel myself sweating under my top. In a startling moment of clarity, a box that I had sealed, locked, and buried in the back of my mind burst open and I knew what this was about.
Did I confess? Or should I chance it, and maybe they wouldn’t find anything? Fear paralyzed me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell them what they would find and why. Shame and self-loathing burned and knotted my insides.
“Thank you, James. I’m sure this is all just a misunderstanding.”
He didn’t reply to my mom’s statement, but turned to me and instructed, “Ally, hand your keys to Officer Michaels.”
I swallowed thickly and fumbled with the zipper on my backpack as I got my keys and handed them to the policeman who closed his hand over them.
“Be back,” he stated brusquely then strode from the office.
I was going to be sick. It was like watching a car wreck about to happen and being powerless to stop it. This was going to be bad.
I pressed my hand to my stomach and swallowed convulsively to keep the sick at bay.
My mom reached over and patted my hand soothingly. “You should have stayed home if you’re still sick.”
I couldn’t even look at her. She didn’t know what I had done, but she was about to find out. I pulled in a breath, held it for five, then pushed it out for the same count.
What felt like hours, but was probably only half an hour later, Officer Michaels came back into the office
, holding a baggie. My eyes zeroed in on the contents, and then they dropped to my hands in my lap.
“What?” Mom whispered.
“Allison Everly, you’re—”
“Those are mine,” Mom cut Officer Michaels off as I heard him moving toward me to cuff me. “I left them in Ally’s car when I borrowed it the other day. Derek had mine since his was in the shop.”
There was a pause, then, “Your husband can corroborate that? Because, ma’am, I don’t feel like you’re being truthful right now,” Officer Michaels replied in his deep, grumbly voice.
“Do you know Derek Everly, Officer Michaels?” my mother asked in a friendly but not really friendly tone.
I looked up at him from under my lashes and saw that his mouth was set in a grim line, and his jaw was so taut it looked like it had been carved from stone. Evidently, he knew my father. He should. Dad was one of the best defense attorneys in the county.
When he didn’t say anything, she went on, “See, he’ll tell you the same thing. You can call and check with DFW BMW dealership. They’ll tell you that my husband took his car in last week, and his secretary came to pick him up. So, why don’t you give him a call?” my mom finished softly, but if I wasn’t wrong, it was said almost menacingly.
The officer heaved a huge, audible sigh then turned toward Mr. Goddard. “I’ll let this go and not charge her since it’s her mother’s name on the prescription and the kid has no priors. Could be that what Mrs. Everly says is true. I don’t think so, but I am not calling Derek Everly.”
His dark eyes came to me. “Young lady?”
I looked up into his face and held my breath.
“Don’t do this again, because next time, there will be charges, understood?”
I nodded furiously and answered, “Yes, sir.”
There wouldn’t be a next time.
My body wilted in relief.
He cut his eyes back over to Mr. Goddard. “We’re through.” And without another word, he spun around and strode out the door, the sound of his utility belt creaking.
I blew out a sigh. I could feel my mother’s stare on me, but I still couldn’t look at her.