by Sadie Allen
I hadn’t seen him since before the musical rehearsals and was shocked to see him in such a state. His suit was wrinkled and looked slept in, his tie was loose and hanging from his neck, and his hair was overly long and wild, like he had torn his fingers through it recently.
I scrambled over to my phone and hit pause as my dad propped himself against the back of the couch, arms crossed, staring at us with hard eyes.
“Uh … Hey, Dad.”
“Can I talk to you for a minute, Allison?” His lips barely moved. He was grinding his teeth so hard I feared for his back teeth.
“Sure.”
I glanced at my friends, who both looked concerned, and tried to give them a reassuring smile, but I didn’t think it worked. The frowns didn’t leave their faces.
Elodie reached up and gave my shoulder a squeeze as I wiped my hands on a dish towel, and I could feel Blake watching me closely.
I moved around the counter toward my dad. He stood from his position and, without a word or look, stalked back the way he had come.
When we were in the hall, he swept his arm out toward the kitchen and bellowed, “What is that?”
“What is what?” I asked, sincerely confused.
“You have a homo in my kitchen.”
A what? I jerked back, reeling. The word seemed to echo throughout the hall, or maybe that was just inside my head? I could not believe he had just called my friend that.
“Wh-what?” I asked, not sure I had heard him right.
“What is wrong with your mom? I can’t believe she let him in my house.”
Heat coursed through my entire body, and my muscles began to tremble in outrage.
“Not only that, you’ve got some mixed mu—”
“Do not finish that sentence.” I leaned forward, going so far as to stand on my tiptoes to get closer to his face.
He turned red, and his body tensed. I was so far beyond angry that I wasn’t concerned that he looked like he wanted to haul off and hit me.
“How dare—”
“You come in here and start insulting my friends when I haven’t seen you in weeks—no, months? After what you did to Mom? You didn’t even come see me perform!”
He took a step back, the color draining from his face. I had never spoken to him that way. The girl I used to be would have been horrified right now, fearful. But the new Ally? The improved Ally? I felt strong, empowered. I was finally taking mine back from the man who had almost stolen everything from me.
“Yeah, Mom told me. I’ve had some pretty big things going on in my life, and you’ve been MIA.”
“That’s what I came here to talk about. I just heard your mom’s voicemail about the suspension. What the hell were you thinking?”
I opened my mouth to tell him exactly what I was thinking for the first time in my life, but he cut me off.
“It’s that boy,” he stated with so much hostility that the hair on my arms stood on end and my skin prickled. “I mean, look at your hair! It’s bimbo blonde! This is not my daughter! Him with his long hair and facial piercings … He’s a bad influence on you.
“He knocked someone up, Ally. Did you know that? It’s all over town! How he’s carrying on with my daughter while his baby is in another girl’s belly! And you can probably kiss law school good-bye—they don’t take druggies. But I’ll try to fix it. I’ll take care of him, too, and then you won’t have all these … issues.” On that last word, he jabbed his finger toward the kitchen. “Now, I’m going to have a word with your mother. I’m not sure you should be in her custody.”
He went to move around me, but I stepped in his way and, in a low voice, said, “You won’t be doing shit.” Before he could cut me off like I was sure he was about to do, I continued, “You don’t know shit.” I lifted my chin higher. “First of all, Blake, the ‘homo’ in your kitchen, is the most honest and giving person I have ever met. You could probably learn something from him.”
My father was a formidable man, and in the face of his fury, I usually quailed. But this time, his anger did nothing but bolster me and harden my resolve to finally share what I thought with him.
“Elodie, the girl you were about to call a disgusting name, is one of the best people I know. She became my friend when she had no reason to. Those girls you made me be friends with treated her like crap for no reason.”
“Ally—”
“Let me tell you something. Skin color is just that—skin color. It’s something no one has any control over, other than God. We’re not color-coded, white being good and dark being bad. We’re all just people. Her having a black dad doesn’t mean she doesn’t come from a home with two parents who love and respect each other and share that with their kids. Unlike this house …”
He snapped his mouth shut and just stared at me. All anger gone. The hostility that had seeped from his pores moments ago, a memory.
“Sterling? ‘That boy’? He saved my life. The reason the dog found those pills isn’t because I’m on drugs; I tried to kill myself with them.”
He sucked in a sharp breath, his face portraying his shock at my words.
“Sterling knocked them out of my hand. I gathered them up, put them back in the bottle, then hid them in my car. I didn’t want you or Mom to find out what I did.”
He shuddered, ran a shaky hand through his hair, and then dropped his chin to his chest.
“After that, Sterling did everything he could to pull me from that place. See, I didn’t think my life was worth very much. Everyone treated me like I was invisible, like I was a fixture. A lamp in the corner of the room that people thought they could just turn off and on when they wanted me to do something. I’m not a lamp! I’m not a possession or a prize. I’m just a person. A person who needed to feel loved and accepted. I hadn’t gotten that from anyone … until Sterling. Until those people you just insulted in that kitchen.
“And by the way, the boy you wanted me to date is probably the father of that baby. Miles can’t keep it in his pants, like you, and he screws anything in a skirt … without protection. Also, evidently, like you.”
I took in a deep breath. “And the mother you want to take me away from? She has me in counseling. We’re both in counseling. See, the males in our lives tend to let us down, so we’re learning to be dependent on our own damn selves.”
I wanted to yell, “What do you think about that?” but I didn’t. I thought I had said enough.
He didn’t move, and he didn’t speak. I watched him as he just stood there with his head bowed and his shoulders drooped. He seemed so much smaller in that moment than any time in memory.
When he finally lifted his head, my breath caught. His face was ravaged, tears were pooling in his eyes.
“You’re wrong, Ally … You are a prize, and I’m sorry if I never made you feel like one. I just wanted …” He swallowed. “I just wanted the best for you.”
His words healed some of the hurt I had been carrying and brought back a memory of after my accident.
I remembered feeling myself being lifted and carried after I had fallen. I had looked up into the face of my father, whose expression was hard yet worried. His mouth had been set in a grim line, and I remembered how prominent the lines around his eyes were, making him look older than his forty-seven years. He had been so worried … about me. Still, things were going to have to change if the gulf that separated us was ever to be breached.
He was going to have to change, and I hoped he did. My little brother or sister deserved a better father than the one I had. I still deserved better, and hopefully, I would get it before it was too late.
“I get it. I just think … you need to rethink your way of expressing it. Mom said Tina is pregnant?”
He nodded, and his eyes looked so bleak that it made my gut twist. I didn’t know if he was happy or sad about being a father again. I knew it was something that wounded my mother. She had shared that in one of the sessions we’d had together with her therapist, Dr. Fuller. She had wanted more kids, but he never had. No
w he was fulfilling her dream without her when she couldn’t anymore.
“Maybe you’ll do better with my little brother or sister.”
Tears filled my eyes as I thought about the little life my dad had created with his secretary. I hated the situation and his actions, but I couldn’t find it within myself to transfer that to a little baby. Thoughts of one baby led me to ones of the baby Raven carried.
“I hope so … I didn’t do too bad with you, though,” he whispered, his eyes traveling over the entryway like he was memorizing it. Then he looked down and to the side. He rubbed over the stubble on his jaw and said, “Well, I need to get back.”
I held in a sigh of relief and just replied, “Okay.”
He stared at me for a moment then sighed before he pivoted toward the door. When he got there, he stopped, hand on the knob, and twisted his neck to look back at me from over his shoulder.
“I do love you, Ally. I may not have shown it very well, and you might not think much of me, but you’ll always be my baby girl.” His parting lines delivered, he quickly left before I could say anything in return, closing the door behind him with a soft snick.
I felt an arm curl around my shoulders and another curl around my waist.
“Did you hear?” I asked hesitantly, hoping they hadn’t.
“Yes, doll,” Blake answered quietly.
Embarrassment and shame burned a hole in my gut. I turned my head toward him and said in a pained, quiet voice, “I’m so sorry. He shouldn’t—”
“It’s okay,” Elodie interrupted.
“It isn’t,” I protested.
“No, it isn’t,” she conceded. “But he should be the one apologizing, not you.”
“You know,” Blake started, and I swung back to him, “I feel sorry for your daddy.”
My mouth dropped open, and Elodie spluttered, “Why?”
“He lives in such a narrow world full of labels. The only labels I prescribe to are found in my clothes.”
Elodie and I both giggled, but then sobered at his next words.
“When you put labels on someone, it’s like sticking them in a box with no air holes until they slowly suffocate. People aren’t just one thing. They’re many things. So, why do people like your dad think they can just slap a label on someone and that’s all they are?”
Good question.
“That’s deep, Blakey,” Elodie remarked.
“I have hidden depths, Ellie. I’m not just another pretty face.”
A smile stretched my lips so wide it almost hurt, and my body shook with silent laughter.
Things were going to be all right. I had friends who stood by me, a boyfriend who loved me, and a family … that was healing. Yes, this might not have been the life that had been planned for me, but it was the one I deserved.
Tap … Tap … Tap …
I smiled at the sound and feigned sleep. I knew he would come.
Tap … Tap … Tap …
I slowed my breathing, even though my heart was racing, and made my body go completely still.
A moment later, I heard the window being opened, then felt the side of the bed depress. That was my signal to move.
I sprung up and tackled the large body that was kneeling on my bed. He fell to the mattress with an oomph as I straddled his waist, placing my hand over his mouth. He immediately gripped my thighs and gave them a squeeze.
“Shh …” I whispered as I raised my finger to my lips.
He kissed my palm then nodded.
“What are you doing, princess?” he asked after I removed my hand, his quiet, husky voice making me shiver. I could see the flash of his white-toothed smile in the moonlight.
“I have a plan.” I leaned down and pressed my lips to his, then swung off him and the bed in one fluid movement.
“I can see that since you aren’t wearing your sleeping clothes,” he whispered on a chuckle.
He was right. After Blake and Elodie had left, I knew Sterling wouldn’t be able to stay away. Therefore, after I had changed into some shorts and a tank, I laid in wait.
After the confrontation with my dad, a plan had begun to formulate in my mind. Something that would help me close the door on my past and help me to live fully in the now.
I reached for the larger cardboard box that was beside my desk then turned and shoved it into a rising Sterling. He let out another oomph and stumbled, clutching it to his middle.
“What do you have in here? Rocks?”
I lifted the other smaller box, walked over to the widow, and slid my feet into a pair of flip-flops. I chucked the box through the window and had one leg over the sill when I turned and told him, “Come on, we have somewhere to be.”
I was standing outside the window, bouncing from foot to foot when Sterling emerged. My skin itched, and I bit my lip as I waited for him to shut the dang window.
“So, where are we going tonight?”
“The pier.”
We were in his car on the way to the pier and had stopped at the stop sign outside of town. When he didn’t move after a minute, I turned to look at him and saw he had his phone up, and then I heard the distinctive sound of a shutter clicking.
“What are you doing?”
He didn’t answer. He just kept pressing buttons on his phone.
My phone dinged in my pocket, and I narrowed my eyes at him before lifting my hips to slide it out.
Surprise, surprise, I had a Snapchat notification.
I sighed because, really, I wanted to get to the pier and get this over with.
I clicked the app then the little blue square in the corner. The picture he had just taken appeared, but what made my breath catch and my vision blur was what he had written at the bottom.
You are reason enough to stay
“It’s true,” he said in a way that I knew, down to my soul, he believed.
My eyes lifted to his, and I saw the love he had for me burning brightly in his unusual eyes.
“I’m beginning to see that now,” I whispered. Then I was across the car and in his lap a second later.
I pressed my lips hard to his, moving my hands to touch as much of him as I could, trying to convey the depth of my love and adoration for him. I parted my lips, and his tongue invaded my mouth, deepening the kiss, making it hotter—wetter.
He was the first person in my life to show me that me, as a person, was worth something. That I didn’t have to do anything or be anything other than myself to be loved and valued.
A honk blared behind us, interrupting the moment, and we broke the kiss.
“I hate that we have to stop, but I should probably get us to the lake.”
I nodded and moved back to the passenger seat, my heart so light it could probably float right out of my chest. I reached for his hand, and he intertwined our fingers together as we rode hand in hand toward our spot.
I stood at the end of the pier, a gold trophy in my hand, and a box filled with the rest I owned at my feet. I looked down at the plaque that read 100-meter hurdles - 1st place and examined the golden girl figure mid-run at the top. I felt the weight of it in my hand, unable to believe that one stupid trophy could mean more to a man than his own child. It wasn’t even real gold or marble based, just a piece of weighted plastic. Resentment burned in my gut and up my throat.
Never again.
I would never allow anyone or anything to rule my life again. I would fight to my last breath to protect the slice of happiness I had found with Sterling, my friends, my mom, and theater. My days as a track star were over.
Without another thought, I reared my arm back then swung it forward, letting the trophy fly, relishing the sound of the plop as it hit the water. I didn’t even wait to watch it sink before I had my hand back in the box and hurled another trophy, then another, and another.
Plop.
Plop.
Plop.
I could hear Sterling behind me, clapping and cheering me on.
When I had told him about my plan to sink every
last trophy I had ever won in the lake, he hadn’t called me crazy or tried to talk me out of it. He had just said “okay,” carried the bigger box to the end of the pier, and stood back to let me do what I needed.
When I was done with the trophies, the last little figure bobbing at the surface—that one must have had a wooden base—my arm was sore.
I kicked the large box behind me and reached into the smaller one, pulling out a blue ribbon. I didn’t even pause to read the gold lettering. I just pulled out the lighter I had put in my pocket earlier and flipped the lid. As a small flame appeared, I watched it dance in the warm, muggy breeze. Then I took the ribbon, held it over the flame, and watched the material burn. When it burned to the spot where my fingers held it, I tossed it into the water.
The satisfaction I felt at destroying the physical representation of my old life was liberating. I wanted to shout or dance. It felt like I was shedding an old skin and was now free to move as I wished.
I glanced down at the number of ribbons in the box and sighed. I didn’t want to stand here all night and burn each ribbon one by one, so I grabbed a handful and started running the flame over the ends until they caught. Then I tossed them into the box, left the lid open on the lighter, and dropped it into the box. I kicked my foot back then shot it forward, sending the cardboard sailing. It floated and drifted away from the wooden dock.
“You okay?”
I looked over my shoulder at my boyfriend who was the most beautiful person, inside and out, that I had ever met and nodded.
He jammed his hands into his pockets and asked, “What do you want to do now?”
I thought about it for a second, then a slow smile spread over my face. He returned the smile and took a step forward.
Anticipation and excitement mingled and fluttered in my belly as I grabbed the bottom of my tank and jerked it over my head. He froze and watched as I next reached behind me and unsnapped my bra. I caught it and held it to my chest with one hand while I moved to the snap of my blue jean shorts with the other and undid the button. Then I turned and faced the water before I kicked off my shoes and shimmied out of my shorts and panties.