by Tina Martin
“If you were concerned about me and my well being, you would not have kicked me out of your house.”
“I told you to get out, but I didn’t mean for you to get your stuff and get out right then and there.”
“Why are you lying? You did want me out right then and there, so I left. I’m not stupid, Sean. I know when I’m not wanted and you didn’t want me. You wanted me gone and you didn’t care how I, Roman, or anyone else felt!”
“Don’t tell me what I feel! Why am I on this phone, sitting in front of your house, if I don’t care about you? Huh?”
Sitting in front of my house? I had turned Sean into a stalker.
He went on to say, “Listen, Monica, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say to you. The only thing I can do is move forward. I’m sorry I hurt you, but being without you for those two months made me realize just how much I need you. I love you, Monica. But if you don’t want me, if you don’t need me, and you want me to go away for good, then don’t open the door and I’ll leave.” At that moment, I heard my doorbell ring.
Sean had laid out his case to me about his reasons for telling me to leave, but I didn’t want to accept his answer, though I knew his response was sincere and from the heart. Sean loved me. I knew it right before he told me to leave his house that he was in love with me. And in all honesty, I was glad he came to my apartment to see how I was coping with the death of my father. However, I wasn’t ready to forgive him. I had so much hatred in my heart for him that I couldn’t even figure out why I allowed myself to even hold a conversation with him. I stood at the front door, staring at the doorknob, trying to decide whether or not I wanted to open the door. With the phone pressed tightly against my left ear, I could hear Sean breathing hard.
I flipped my phone closed, ending the call. Then I walked into my room, fell on the bed, and cried. I couldn’t open that door no matter how much I wanted to. I just couldn’t. And if this was it, and I never see Sean again, then that would just be something I have to live with. All I know is I can’t let a man disrespect me and then come crawling back into my life like nothing ever happened. I was too smart for that.
Chapter 27 - Together Again
When Keisha and I went to dinner the next day, I told her what went down between me and Sean. I was so upset I could hardly eat. Today was one of those days where I felt like staying in the bed all day, only getting up for trips to the bathroom and refrigerator. But nooo. Keisha just had to drag me with her to Burrito Bueno. Normally, I had no problem going there since it was my favorite Mexican restaurant in Milwaukee, but today, I didn’t even touch my steak burrito. I ate a little bit of rice, but it wasn’t enough to satisfy my hunger.
“Are you going to eat any more of that?”
“I told you I didn’t feel like eating, Keisha.”
“Well, you have to eat, girl.” She watched me stir the rice with my fork. “Why do you let him get under your skin?”
“Because I…well, I did care about him.”
“So you don’t care about him anymore? Is that what you’re saying?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“So you do care about him?”
“Yeah.”
“Then why didn’t you open the door last night when he was there.”
“Because I was hurt.” I broke down and cried. “I love him, Keisha. And the one opportunity I had to get with him, I blew it.”
“Aww, sweetie, just call him.”
“I can’t call him.”
“Then what are you going to do? Just be miserable without him? Look, Monica, you made that mistake with Cornelius.”
“No, I didn’t. Cornelius left me.”
“Yeah, and you could’ve gotten him back if you talked to him.”
“How could I talk to him when he vanished? I haven’t seen him since the day he walked out.”
“Okay, so don’t make this a repeat. You knew Cornelius was in love with you, but yet, you didn’t fight to keep him. All I’m saying is don’t let that same thing happen again.”
“You’re right. I can’t argue with that.” I wiped my face with a napkin, took a few more bites of rice, and got a to-go box to take the rest of my food home.
We left the restaurant around nine, and when Keisha turned down my street, I saw Sean’s black Cadillac truck parked out front of my apartment. Apparently, it wasn’t quite over last night like he had told me. It wasn’t until Keisha parked behind Sean’s truck that I saw him sitting on the front steps of my apartment.
“Do you want me to stay with you?” Keisha asked me.
“No. Go ahead. I’ll be fine.”
“Okay. I’ll see you later.”
I walked up the sidewalk closer to Sean. It was dark outside, but the streetlight gave me a clear view of his face. The weather was crappy as usual in the winter. There was a good foot of snow on the ground and the temperature low was somewhere around ten degrees.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as calmly as I could. It was so cold outside, I could see my breath.
“I want to see your face when you tell me that you don’t want me.” He stood up.
“Sean, please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”
“I’m not trying to. I just want to know how you really feel about me.”
“I spoke my peace to you yesterday.”
“Yeah…on the phone. Now talk to me while I’m standing here face-to-face with you. Tell me there’s nothing between us.” Sean looked at me with deep anticipation. He knew I had deep feelings for him, and he wanted to know just what they were.
“Sean, I love you.” I could tell by his reaction that he wasn’t expecting to hear that from me. However, it was time for me to be honest with him and confront my feelings at the same time.
“You do?”
“Yes, I do.” I was proud of myself for keeping my composure. I didn’t cry at all, probably because I cried earlier in the restaurant.
“Then why do you want to turn your back on me?”
“Because you hurt me, Sean, and I just don’t know if a simple I’m sorry will change the way I feel right now. That’s why I didn’t come to the door last night. I didn’t even want to talk to you, and right now…I…ah.” I squeezed my eyes tight to keep the tears in. “Right now, I don’t want to…”
“I’ve been sitting out here in this cold weather for about two hours waiting for you to get home. I don’t know how to show you that I’m sincere in my apology other than by saying it and showing it.” Sean placed both of his cold, gloved hands on my face. “I’m sorry, Monica. I don’t want to lose you.”
I moved his hands away and then put my arms around him. Tears rolled out of my eyes and down my cheek. The bottom line was, I loved him but he hurt me, and I wasn’t so quick to just overlook something like that. On the other hand, I would not have been so emotional if I didn’t give two cents about him. I had to face the facts. I was in love with Sean, he was in love with me, and there was no way either of us could ignore that. The hurt would eventually be overtaken by the love we had for each other.
“It’s cold out here. Do you want to come in?”
“Only if you want me to.”
I took Sean by the hand. “Yes, I want you to.”
We walked inside. As soon as he came up out of his jacket and gloves, Sean leaned over to kiss me, and I kissed those soft, wet, cold lips like it was the first time I had ever felt them. Sean was right. He did have me. He could do anything he wanted to me and get away with it. That’s how deeply I had fallen in love with him.
“I love you, Monica,” Sean said, looking into my eyes.
We embraced each other tightly again and hugged more while sitting on the couch.
“Wow. I can’t believe this is happening,” Sean said, while pelting me with small kisses on my cheek. “This is everything I wanted.”
“I can’t believe this is happening either. Are’nt we suppose to be fighting or something?” I laughed. I couldn’t hel
p myself with that one.
Sean laughed, too. “Maybe we can fight over the dude that came walking up out of here.”
I laughed. “You mean Kevin? He’s my brother.”
“Brother? I thought you were an only child?”
“So did I…until yesterday. I found out he was my brother at the funeral, or should I say my half brother.”
“Being completely honest, when I saw him walking out of here, I wanted to kill him.”
“What?”
“I’m serious. Nobody is going to take you away from me. Nobody.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about that. He is my brother.”
Sean pulled me onto his lap and said, “So is everything okay with you? I mean, after the funeral and all. I know when I lost my father I was devastated. It took me a while to get used to him not being there anymore.”
“My father and I weren’t close like you and your father was. To me, he was just the man that got my mom pregnant. He was never there for me.”
“And you’re angry with him about that?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Maybe a little.”
“It’s not good to have that anger built up inside of you.”
He was right about that. I was very angry with my father and that was really a bad situation for me to be in. His funeral was just yesterday, and I still held anger for him within my heart. Even as I looked at him lying lifeless in the casket, I was angry.
I walked in the kitchen to get a cold glass of water. Sean was really starting to get to me.
“Would you like some water?” I asked him, as he followed me into my tiny kitchen.
I was hoping our change of rooms would somehow get him off the subject of my father. I was ready to put an end to Psychology 101.
Then Sean said, “I wish Roman could have met him before he died.”
I was in the middle of a swallow of water when he made the statement, which almost caused me to choke. As I coughed, he walked over closer to me to make sure I was alright, but I had all kinds of thoughts going through my mind. Why would he want Roman to meet my father?
Then I got to thinking if Kevin’s little girl, Ciara, had a relationship with my daddy before he died. And on top of that, I started thinking about Eric. Had I found him, he wouldn’t have the chance to know my father. But maybe that was for the best.
“Why would you want Roman to meet my father?”
“He is…well, he was Roman’s grandfather, right?”
“You mean because of our fake marriage?”
“The marriage isn’t fake, Monica. You are my wife. Therefore, your father was Roman’s grandfather.”
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought you said your lawyer told you that once I left your house, the contract was null and the marriage was over and done with.”
“Well, technically I have to file for divorce to end the marriage, just like any other marriage.”
“Then what are you waiting for?” I was really testing Sean. I knew he had love for me, but I wanted to know if he really loved me like he said he did.
“So you want me to do it?”
“Yeah. That’s what we had agreed upon, right? You had a two-month window to get all the paperwork started. Why are you wasting time?”
“Because I don’t want a divorce.”
“And just what do you want, Mr. Beauvais?”
Sean looked confused. He didn’t know if I was playing with him or not, but I was. I was just waiting to see if he was going to flip the script and drop that innocent attitude he brought up in my apartment, and bring out the Sean that I knew – the Sean that hung up the phone on me countless times – the Sean that kicked me out of his house. That Sean never appeared. And although I could tell I was irritating him by his facial expression, he remained calm.
“You know what I really want? I want you to realize how good of a husband I can be to you so that we can have a real wedding. We can have such a beautiful life together…me and you...and Roman.”
Talk about being blunt. It didn’t get any plainer than that. He stated exactly what he wanted. Either he was spitting some mad game or he really wanted me to be his real wife. Me and Sean an item, though? What would people think about us? What would his friends think? Would they think I wasn’t good enough for him? I guess I wasn’t supposed to think about those things, but I did.
“Why me?” I asked him. I wasn’t looking for a quick what-I-wanted-to-hear response. I just wanted the truth.
“Because you make me happy.”
It was just that simple. I made him happy. Back in the day, Cornelius told me that very same thing.
Sean continued. “The money, cars, clothes, recognition…those things don’t make me happy.” He then reached into his wallet, slid out a picture, and handed it to me. “Do you remember that day?”
It was a picture of me, Sean, and Roman – the picture we took together on the Ferris wheel at the carnival. It brought back memories.
“Yeah, I remember that day.” I smiled from ear to ear. “And there’s Roman. Awww, I miss him.”
Sean put his arms around me. “That was one of the happiest days of my life. It finally felt like I had a family. I had a purpose. I had you and I want that back, baby.”
I cut him off. “And what about Eric? It seemed that whenever I brought up his name, you got upset with me.”
“I will help you find him,” he replied calmly.
I hesitated to respond. He never bothered to help me in the past, though he said he would. Why should I believe him now? Sometimes I felt as if he didn’t care whether I found Eric or not, just as long as I was a mother to Roman.
“Sean, how can I focus on a relationship with you if I’m focusing on finding Eric?”
“You can’t make room in your life for the both of us?”
He still had his strong hands around my waist, squeezing me gently as he asked his question.
“No, I’m not saying that, but…”
“No buts,” Sean interjected, pushing the weight of his body into me as he backed me up against the counter by the sink, with his lips brushing up against mine.
Then he kissed me hard like he wanted me right there in the kitchen. It took me back to the time he kissed me when I was leaving for the Dells. He nearly took my lips off with that one. This kiss wasn’t as long, but it had the same effect on me.
“I want this, Monica. I want this to work.” He put his hands on both sides of my face. “I mean this. I want you.” He gave me a direct stare. I could feel his honesty as much as I could feel the warmth of his body heat radiating from his light skin. “I want this to work. I want all of you. I’m sorry if I’m being selfish, but I’ve been waiting for you all my life and there is no way I’m going to let you go now.”
The man was sweeping me off my feet inch-by-inch. Again, I didn’t know if I was ready for a man like him.
Sean picked me up and sat me on the kitchen counter as he stood in between my thighs. “I’ve never loved someone as much as I love you, and I know that might sound cliché. But when you were gone, I would go into your bedroom and just lie there…on your bed thinking about you. The covers still smell like your lotion and perfume, but it just wasn’t the same when you weren’t there. Nothing was. I never want to feel that emptiness in my life again.”
I smiled at Sean. He was so fine, I could sit and watch him talk for hours. We went back into my living room and sat on the couch hugged up with a comforter over our bodies. I laid my head on his chest as he relaxed into my couch. Boy, did I miss his touch. I don’t know how I survived two months without him.
Chapter 28 - In Love
I slept ‘til about nine. I could’ve used another hour, but I heard my neighbor next door bumping her Anthony Hamilton CD and I knew that meant two things. One, she was doing some cleaning, and two, there was no way I was going to get back to sleep. Lately, it seemed as if every time she cleaned, she listened to that CD.
Speaking of cleaning, I had a lot I needed to
do. I shared a cup of coffee with Sean, and after he left, I mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors, washed the few dishes that were in the sink, and vacuumed my living room and bedroom floors. By the time I finished, it was almost noon. As soon as I sat down to take a breather, my cell phone vibrated on the coffee table in the living room. It was Kevin.
“Hey, Kevin.”
“Hi again.”
I wanted to apologize for last night, and now was the perfect opportunity.
“Kevin, I am so sorry about last night. I had no idea Sean was coming over.”
“That’s okay. Don’t worry about it, sis.”
He called me sis, I thought to myself. That was nice. It felt good to be somebody’s sister.
“Okay.” I was amazed at how mature he was. He had it all together.
“So Sean got a thing for you, huh?” I tried not to smile. I didn’t want him to think I was goo-goo ga-ga over Sean, but I was.
I said, “Ah, he likes me.”
“I know. I saw the way he looked at me when I left…thought he was going to hit me. He must’ve thought we were together.”
I pressed my lips shut so Kevin couldn’t hear me laugh. If he only knew how mad Sean was last night. “Yeah, he did actually.”
“So are y’all dating?”
“Something like that. We are uh…sort of…married…”
“What? I thought you weren’t seeing anyone?”
“Well, it’s a long story…very long.”
“Wow. That’s crazy.”
“I know.”
“So what are you doing later?”
“Ah, nothing much. Why? You want to stop by?”
“Yeah, but I don’t want to intrude. If you got something going on, I’ll wait until another day.”
“Oh, there’s no intrusion. We need to get to know each other, brother.”
I could tell he was grinning on the other end of the phone, when he responded, “Okay. So I’ll see you later.”