by Sarah Price
But Mary Ruth knew Samuel and knew that convincing him to stay would take more than words. She just wasn’t certain what more she had to give him.
The opportunity to speak with Samuel arose about fifteen minutes after she had finished washing the dishes. She heard, rather than saw, Samuel as he stomped down the wooden stairs leading from his mamm’s kitchen to the driveway. She glanced out the side window in Lillian’s kitchen and saw him walk by, his tattered straw hat on his head. Since no one was around, Mary Ruth hurried to the side door and opened it, trying to act nonchalant when she all but bumped into him.
“Mary Ruth!” he said, reaching out to steady her. His hand lingered on her arm and she didn’t pull away like she had the last time that they had talked. “I didn’t see you bouncing out that door!” He seemed to be in a jovial mood, despite their strained relationship.
She forced a smile and took a step back. “I’m sorry, Samuel. I didn’t mean to bump into you.”
He glanced around as if to see if anyone was nearby to observe their encounter. “Haven’t seen much of you this week. Keeping busy with helping Lillian?”
She nodded. “Ja, I sure am. Those kinners sure can keep a body busy, that’s for certain!”
A moment of silence befell them. It was tense and awkward, especially since the last time they had talked had not resulted in a pleasant parting. But she was glad that he was talking to her. She had been worried that he would ignore her, settling for casual pleasantries.
“You off to work for the afternoon?” she asked, despite already knowing the answer.
He nodded. “Ja.” He hesitated, looking at her then glancing down the road. She got the sense that he wanted to say more but didn’t, perhaps because he felt uncomfortable from their last conversation. He took a step backward, his hands thrust in his pockets. “Speaking of which, I best get back to the shop,” he finally mumbled, dipping his head as he started down the lane.
“Wait!” The word shot out of her mouth before she could stop it. It surprised her as much as it surprised him. She felt strange, not used to being so assertive. “Samuel, I have something I want to say to you,” she began. Her voice sounded stronger than she felt. Inside, she was trembling. How bold she sounded! She didn’t like that feeling at all.
Samuel seemed equally as surprised. He turned back around and stood facing her. Because of her petite stature, he seemed to loom over her. His shirt was opened casually at his neck and he wore a belt around his waist, rather than the traditional suspenders. Even his boots were worldly, she noticed.
“What is it?” he asked softly.
“I…” She started to speak but the words became jumbled in her mind. She tried to think back to her plan, to how she had intended to talk to him. The words that she had wanted to say disappeared from her memory. Her eyes met his and, for a brief moment, she thought she saw him smile, encouraging her to speak. But, when she opened her mouth to speak, nothing seemed to come out and her mind went blank.
“Yes?”
“I…well…” She paused. A new thought crept into her head and she pushed her shoulders back, tilting her chin in the air and lifting her eyes to stare into his face. “You see,” she began. “I wanted you to know that I’ve decided that, if you aren’t at the singing on Sunday, I will accept that ride home from Elias Lantz.”
The expression on his face changed. The color drained from his cheeks and he squinted at her, as if not fully understanding what she had said. “What?”
Upon hearing the words and seeing his reaction, that was exactly the question that popped into her mind: What was she thinking? Why had she blurted that out? She had completely lost her train of thought and couldn’t seem to say what she wanted. Instead, she had uttered the only thing that came to her mind as a way to try to convince him to not go to Philadelphia, to not stray from the People. But that wasn’t what she had intended to say and she felt tears of frustration burn at the corner of her blue eyes. The words were out there and she knew she couldn’t take them back. So she straightened her back and stared at Samuel. “I think you heard me correctly.”
He took a step toward her, reaching out for her arm. He held it gently in his hand as he moved closer to her. His eyes glanced around, making certain that no one was watching. Reassured that they were alone, he bent his head so that his lips were near her ear and he whispered, “What’s this about, Mary Ruth?”
She moved away from him and forced him to meet her gaze. It was the only way that she knew he would understand how serious she was. “If you go to Philadelphia with those boys,” she blurted out. “That will be the end, Samuel. I won’t be waiting around anymore for someone who cares so little for his community, his family, and himself. There’s nothing out there but trouble, Samuel. You are only hurting yourself…and the people who care for you.”
“I never asked you to wait around,” Samuel said, a frown wrinkling his brow as he stared at her.
“No,” she replied, shaking her head slightly. “No, you surely didn’t. But I was waiting, Samuel, and now I will no longer do so.”
So there it is, she thought: The moment that she put everything out there and left the decision to Samuel. After all, it was always up to the men. But she could force his hand…as well as hers. And she knew that, if Samuel went to Philadelphia, she would have no choice but to follow through and move on. She’d accept that ride from Elias and turn her thoughts away from Samuel for once and for all.
Releasing his hold on her arm, he took a step away from her. For a long moment, he stared at her as though sizing up this new, feisty Mary Ruth that stood before him. She held his gaze, refusing to look away, despite feeling uncomfortable under the steadiness of his eyes. He finally nodded his head as though coming to an understanding of what she had meant. “Ja vell,” he began. “You have sure given me a lot to think on, then. And I still need to get back to work. Won’t do to lose my job now, would it?” He tipped his head at her. “You have a good day, Mary Ruth.” And then he was gone.
His reaction had ferhoodled her. She didn’t quite know how to read it. But she did know one thing. Sunday evening was bound to be the deciding factor. She also knew that she had done the right thing. If Samuel cared so little about himself, why should she continue pining for him? Yet, part of her hoped that he would show up on Sunday and make a public claim for her attention. Despite it being several days away, she knew that the hours would pass like days and the days even longer. It would be a long, restless time between now and then.
She watched as he walked down the lane, headed toward the carpentry shop. She watched him until he disappeared from view. Her heart felt heavy in her chest and she scolded herself for having been so bold. Certainly she had expected a reaction from him but not that reaction. In fact, he had no reaction and, she realized, that was worse than if he had gotten upset or angry. Sighing in disappointment, she turned back to the house, knowing that the children would be in need of attention before their afternoon naps. She would have to put Samuel out of her mind for the rest of the day and week. She knew that was not going to be an easy task to do.
Chapter Twelve
When the car pulled up to the barn, it was dark. The car’s tires made crunching noises on the driveway as it rolled over cracked macadam and loose gravel. Samuel opened the passenger door and stepped out, looking around. He wasn’t certain what time it was but he did know that he was running late.
“You want me to leave you here?” the driver called out, leaning over the seat toward the open door.
Samuel exhaled loudly, raising his hand to his head. He ran his finger through his hair and looked at the dark doorway to the barn. “What time is it?”
“Almost eleven,” the driver said.
Shaking his head, Samuel turned back to the car. “Nee. Best be going home. No one is here.”
It had been a long weekend and nothing had seemed to go right for Samuel. He had tried to get back in time for the singing, tried to be there to walk Mary Ruth home. But the
train from Philadelphia to Lancaster had broken down and then he had missed the bus to Intercourse. When he finally decided to take a car service, it was already late. He had missed his chance to be there for Mary Ruth.
The car ride down the lane to his parents’ farm felt longer than the two miles that it truly was. They passed a buggy along the way and Samuel tried to see who was driving it, imagining that it was Elias taking Mary Ruth home. His heart pounded inside of his chest, his blood feeling hot at the thought. But it was too dark to see inside the buggy. Frustrated, Samuel sank against the car seat and closed his eyes.
Yes, the weekend had been a horrible mistake. He knew that now and was glad that he had decided to leave early. Peter Bartlett was simply no gut, a young man interested in dark bars and loose women. He had been surprised that Jacob had gone along with Peter. Samuel had imagined a weekend of exploring the city, eating at restaurants, and meeting new people. He had imagined going to movies, listening to music, and other benign activities. But once the others decided to go to the bar, Samuel had refused.
That second night, when the others had returned to the motel room, Samuel was shocked to see Paul barely able to walk. His clothes were rumpled and his eyes red. When he tried to speak, nothing made sense. Was that what alcohol did to a man, Samuel wondered. If it was, he wanted nothing to do with it. John and Peter had laughed at Paul before turning their attention to Samuel. For the next half an hour, they teased him about his decision to return to the room instead of hanging out at the bar and trying to meet women.
Samuel didn’t sleep much that night. He listened to the other men snoring from their bed, Paul sleeping on the floor, which is where he had eventually passed out. No, Samuel realized, this isn’t what I want. He regretted having gone with these men that he had thought were friends. So, early in the morning, he had snuck out of the room and made his way through the streets to the train station and waited to return home early. If getting drunk and chasing bold women was their idea of fun, Samuel realized, he was in the wrong place and clearly he was with the wrong people.
The long wait for the train had given him plenty of time to think. In two weeks, he’d turn twenty-one. For almost five years, he had been running around, doing what he could to experience life before settling down to the church. He had vowed not to rush himself before doing so. However, his recent conversations with Mary Ruth had made him realize that life didn’t always wait. If he wanted certain things, he had to seize the opportunity at the moment it presented itself. Otherwise, as Mary Ruth had made him see, he might risk losing it.
Yes, he thought. Even if settling down is a year or more away, there is no reason to let Mary Ruth slip away and become someone else’s intended. It was time for him to make his intention known rather than risk seeing her riding home from singings with that Elias Lantz. Any Amish man would be foolish to not to jump at the chance to court Mary Ruth Smucker, he told himself. Indeed, he had been acting foolish over the past few months. Well, he decided, no more. Tonight would be that first step.
“Stop here,” Samuel said quickly. The driver slowed the car down and pulled over to the side of the dark road. “I’ll walk the rest of the way,” he said, reaching into his pocket to pull out the money to pay the man.
He walked down the road toward the Smucker farm. If Elias had brought her home, Samuel would wait for her. He had to let her know that, indeed, he had come back to escort her home from the singing. He needed her to understand that she had been right about the Philadelphia trip. He wanted her to be the first one to learn that he was willing to try to shun the ways of the world and slowly return to the fold with an eye to the future. Yes, he had seen enough to be aware that a non-Amish life was not for him. But it might take time, he realized, before he could commit to the kneeling vow and a wife.
When he heard the familiar clip-clop of the horse’s hooves against the macadam and the gentle humming of the buggy wheels, Samuel sank back into the shadows. He didn’t want to confront Elias but he certainly wanted to speak privately to Mary Ruth.
The buggy pulled down the driveway and stopped at the corner of the house. Samuel watched and waited until the door opened and he saw Mary Ruth emerge. He was glad that Elias hadn’t brought her home in a courting buggy for that would surely be a bad sign. And Samuel was going to make certain that no other courting buggy brought her anywhere unless it was his.
She had just reached her parents front door and Elias had started his buggy back down the driveway when Samuel stepped out from the shadows and walked up behind her.
“Mary Ruth,” he said softly.
She jumped and turned around, dropping her hand from the doorknob.
“It’s me. Samuel.”
“You seem to delight in scaring me,” she said, none too friendly. Clearly, she was still upset about the buggy ride home two weeks ago as well as their confrontation in the Edwards’ barn. “And what on earth are you doing here, anyway?”
He stepped closer to her, emerging from the shadows and standing in the glow of the kerosene lantern that Miriam Smucker had left lit in the window for her daughter. “I tried to get back in time to take you home from the singing,” he explained.
“Oh really?” Her voice gave away her disbelief in what he said. “You’re not even dressed for a singing and don’t even have your hat!”
Samuel leaned against the porch and stared at her. He wasn’t used to her being so confrontational and sarcastic. Where had his Mary Ruth disappeared? “My hat?” His hand went to his head and, sure enough, his hat was missing.
“Any proper man would come calling dressed properly!” She hesitated before quickly adding, “If he was serious, that is. And certainly he would not show up at this hour!”
“Mary Ruth,” he started softly, ignoring her hurtful words. “I want to apologize to you.”
“Apologize?” she scoffed. “Where would you begin?”
He reached out and grabbed her hand. “Don’t be like that, Mary Ruth. I came here tonight to tell you that I’m done with my demons and I’m ready to make that first step toward a real commitment.”
She tilted her head, intently listening to his words, for which he was thankful. When she didn’t interrupt him, he sensed that she was softening. Clearly, she didn’t want to be upset with him and he knew that he had not lost her heart after all.
“I…” He caressed the back of her hand with his thumb, equally thankful that she had not yanked her hand from his grasp. “I’m willing to take that next move. But only if you are beside me.”
In the glow from the kerosene lantern, he saw the expression on her face change. Indeed, she was losing the edge of her anger with him. “Go on,” she whispered.
“I can’t say that I’m ready to settle down completely,” he stammered then, realizing how vague that sounded, he quickly added, “But I have seen that no gut can come from the Englischer ways. Not for me, anyhow.”
“Samuel?” she asked. She hesitated as she tried to understand what his words meant. “What are you saying?”
He cleared his throat. “Well, Mary Ruth,” he said then hesitated. What was he saying? The words were falling from his lips faster than he could think. “I reckon I’m saying that, mayhaps I am ready to start courting after all and…well…” He paused. This was the no-turning-back moment. Would she forgive him? “If you can see fit to give me that second chance, I’ll do right by you.”
There was a moment pause. It lingered before them and, for a moment, Samuel thought that she was going to say no. So, he was quite released when she asked cautiously, “Right by me? How so?”
“Well, for starters,” he began. “I want you coming home from future singings with me.”
“With you?”
“Ja,” he said and took a deep breath. He had practiced in his head how he was going to say it but, none of the practice words seemed right, not now as he stood before her. “In my courting buggy.” There, he thought. It has been said and no taking it back.
A smile l
it up her face and she lowered her eyes. He imagined that if the lighting was better that he would have seen a blush covering her cheeks. “Oh Samuel,” she whispered.
“And I’m going to talk to the bishop about those summer baptismal classes,” he continued.
“For the kneeling vow in fall?” she asked, her voice giving away her disbelief.
“Ja,” he nodded. “The kneeling vow. And I reckon you’ll be taking it along side me, Mary Ruth.”
“I…I don’t know what to say,” she whispered.
His heart pounded inside of his chest. She didn’t know what to say? He prayed he wasn’t too late and prayed that she still cared. “You could start by saying yes, Mary Ruth,” he replied.