by Kait Nolan
“He terrorized you. I’ll never forgive him for what he did to you. What he did to us.” The furious words should’ve made her feel somewhat better. But he didn’t touch her, didn’t come near her, didn’t do anything to comfort or say he was on her side. Instead, he paced a tight circle in front of the fireplace. “You should have told me, Kennedy. You should have fucking trusted me. Then, and when you came back.”
There had to be a way to fix this, to get past the anger and make him see. “It had nothing to do with not trusting you. I started to call you, to email you a thousand times. But I didn’t know what to say, and I knew that if you knew what had happened, you’d absolutely lose your shit with your dad, and then he’d know I’d broken the terms of our agreement and carry out his threat. The only reason I felt safe coming back at all was because Mom’s dead and his leverage is gone.”
He finally stopped his pacing and scrubbed both hands over his face. “I get why you didn’t tell me ten years ago. I don’t agree with it, but I get it. But as you’ve just pointed out, he lost his leverage when Joan died. Why the hell didn’t you tell me that night at the bluff?”
This was the moment to lay everything bare. He would accept nothing less than the full truth. And yet, could they survive the truth? It was another impossible choice, and he’d backed her into a corner. Was there a chance in hell that he would do anything other than walk out of here tonight? None of her imagined reveals had ended any other way. She’d always known he’d be furious. But she had to believe, had to trust, that the man would be more forgiving than the boy.
“Apart from the fact that I had no idea the charges were phony, I couldn’t just up and drop that bomb. I hadn’t seen you in a decade. I didn’t know where we stood. For all I knew, you hated me, and rightly so. I left you. No matter the reason, I left you. And in all that time you’ve had your family. They were here. And I thought that letting you preserve your relationship with them was more important. I know exactly what it’s like to lose that, and I didn’t want that for you. You’d already lost me. I didn’t matter.”
The silence spun on and her stomach hollowed out. Say something. Tell me I was wrong. Tell me you still love me.
But he only stared at her, his expression unreadable. “Would you ever have told me?”
Well, he’d asked for honesty. “I don’t know,” she whispered.
Xander nodded once, as if that was the deciding answer he’d needed, then headed for the door.
Kennedy scrambled up, running after him. “Where are you going?”
“Home. I can’t talk about this anymore. This was a mistake. This was all a mistake.”
“Xander!”
He rounded on her. “You lied to me! I thought for years that it was my fault. I blamed myself for what you put your family through. What I thought I put you through. I told you that at the bluff. I apologized for it. And you just stood there and let me. You didn’t say a goddamned word.”
She flinched back. It was all imploding. Everything she’d feared from the moment he’d walked back into her life was coming to pass. Desperate, sobbing, Kennedy held out her hands toward him. “I didn’t know how! Not without breaking my agreement with your father.”
“And getting involved with me again? That wasn’t a breach in that agreement?”
She’d been trying to justify this to herself, hadn’t she? “I thought… My mother was already dead. My relationship with my sisters is already damaged. I thought, maybe he wouldn’t act. Because there was no way he could tell you the truth either without revealing his role in all of it. Mutually assured destruction.” But even to her own ears, the excuse sounded thin.
“Well congratulations. You both got exactly what you didn’t want.”
Before she could reach him, he’d walked out, slamming the door shut. She fumbled to yank it open, losing precious seconds before she realized he’d engaged the lock on his way out. By the time she raced onto the porch, he’d cranked the Bronco and peeled out of the drive.
Breath heaving, heart breaking, Kennedy dropped to her knees where she stood and wept as his tail-lights disappeared into the night.
~*~
When the doorbell rang, Xander considered leaving it. Then he briefly considered shooting whoever was on the other side. If he couldn’t drown himself in whiskey due to the possibility of being called in to handle an emergency, he should at least be able to be left alone to drink his beer and mourn the life he should’ve had—would have had, if not for his father. He’d taken a fucking vacation day for it.
The bell rang again.
He thought about hurling his bottle of Corona, but that’d be a shameful waste of beer.
If it was Kennedy, he wasn’t ready to see her again. His stomach turned at just the thought of the look on her face when she’d said she didn’t matter. How the hell could she believe that? He’d told her flat out there’d been no one else.
If it was his father, he had a fist he’d happily plant in the old man’s face.
If it was anybody else, unless they brought more beer, they could go the hell away.
On the third ring, he hefted himself out of his chair. Clearly his unwelcome visitor wasn’t taking the hint. Prowling across the room, he yanked open the door. His mom stood on the other side, face drawn, worry in her pretty brown eyes.
Bracing an arm against the door frame, he struggled to reel in a little of his vile temper. “I’m not in the mood for company.”
“I’m not company, I’m your mother.” Ignoring him and his entirely craptastic mood, she ducked under the arm he’d been using to block her entrance.
Resigned, Xander shut the door.
She scanned the room, taking in the carry out containers from Jade Palace and the nearly empty six pack.
“I know you’re upset with your father—”
“If you’ve come here to beg for clemency on his behalf, don’t waste your breath. He engaged in conduct unbecoming an officer. He used his position of authority against an innocent girl. And he fucking sent the woman I love away because of some personal vendetta. I’m not going to forgive that, Mom. I can’t.”
“I didn’t come to ask you to forgive him. I came to check on you. What he did…” She shook her head, expression pinched with pain.
“Did you know?” Xander wasn’t sure if he really wanted the confirmation that someone else in his life had betrayed him, but it was too ingrained in him to seek the truth.
“I knew he’d done…something. I never pressed him for the details. I don’t know what I would have done with them if I’d known.”
Xander fisted his hands again. “I could have gone after her. I could have helped her fix things with her family, made sure she was here for Maggie, that she didn’t have to lose her mother.”
“Yes, you could have. I have no doubt she’d have gladly welcomed you. And, after all that, you’d have left with her again and stayed gone, exactly as your father feared you would. But I don’t think it would’ve been all sunshine and roses.”
“At least we would’ve been together.”
“Yes, but for how long? You both would’ve struggled, and I’m not sure your relationship could’ve survived it.”
“You can’t possibly be saying this is for the best.”
“No. No I’m not saying any of this should have happened. But I am saying there’s no guarantee that you’d have stayed together. You were both very different people back then. The epitome of opposites attract. Her free spirit and wildness attracted you, but I think, in the long run, it might have been hard for you to live with. You were so, so young. All this time away…it’s given you both a chance to grow up. She’s had ten years to find whatever she needed to find out there. And you’re stable. You’re both in a better place to actually see if you’ve got what it takes for a mature, lasting relationship now.”
“I don’t think that’s going to happen.”
“Why not? According to the rumor mill, you were already back together.”
; “She didn’t tell me, Mom. She didn’t tell me any of this, when I asked. I had to get blindsided about it from Essie.”
“And you’re angry with Kennedy for that?”
“I’m angry she didn’t trust me.”
His mother stared at him. “Honey, are you even listening to yourself? It’s got nothing to do with trusting you. That poor girl was traumatized. She’s been living with this secret for a decade, and I’m willing to bet she never told a soul about it because your father made sure she was too afraid to. To have all of it dragged back to light again—and I’ll bet you told her it wasn’t even as serious as your father made it out to be…that’s got to be devastating all over again. So if you did anything other than talk to her about it and offer sympathy and support, then you deserve to be whipped.”
An uncomfortable prickle of guilt worked its way past the all-consuming anger. He’d done nothing to offer sympathy or support. All he’d done was tell her the realities and snap at her about what she should have done instead. She’d cried. And then he’d laid into her about the lie.
But she hadn’t lied. At least not directly. If she’d told him outright that it hadn’t been his fault, that the fight had nothing to do with her leaving, he wouldn’t have been able to rest until he’d known the real reason.
His mother glared at him in that way that said she knew he deserved that whipping. “Do you love her?”
“Of course, I do.” He’d love her until the day he died.
“Then fix this. Get over your pride or hurt feelings or whatever this is. She didn’t stop being who she is just because there was more to the story of why she left. She’s the biggest victim in all of this because Buck didn’t just drive her away from you, but from her own family. I know she kept in touch, but it wasn’t the same. Not for her, not for Joan, and not for her sisters.”
Xander had seen the state of her relationship with her sisters with his own eyes. Kennedy was still being punished for something that was entirely his father’s fault. And still, she’d covered Buck’s ass and not told Xander the truth. Because she didn’t think she mattered.
He hadn’t corrected her.
The leftover Chinese food turned to lead in his stomach.
“You know what I loved most about when you two were together in high school?”
“I didn’t think either of you liked Kennedy.” His voice came out in an awkward croak.
“We were concerned about how serious you were, so fast. Worried about what you might do with that. But I always liked her. She encouraged you to take risks. Never stupid or foolish ones, but she got you out of that totally practical, always safe routine. Not that there’s anything wrong with safe, but there’s so much more to life. You lost that without her.”
He’d lost a lot of things without Kennedy.
“I don’t think it’s too late to get that back. Assuming you get your head out of your ass.”
Xander tunneled his fingers through his hair. “I need to go apologize.”
Marilyn nodded, satisfied. “Good. But go take a shower and change clothes first. You smell like a brewery.”
Chapter Twelve
IN ALL HER YEARS of gainful employment, Kennedy had never felt like bailing before the first day. After the first day, sure. She’d worked a few crap jobs that were real doozies for the newbie. But an hour and a half before her first shift at Elvira’s Tavern, she wanted to throw in the towel.
She wouldn’t. The family needed her employed, so to work she’d go like the busy little worker bee she was. But every cell in her body wanted to curl up and hide. Because this wasn’t like working the taps at O’Leary’s or any of the other pubs, bars, and taverns she’d served in over the years. This was Eden’s Ridge, where everybody knew her or knew of her, and they thought that gave them free license to poke into her personal life.
After Xander’s display at lunch yesterday, they’d all be asking about him and whether they were back together for real. Kennedy didn’t know what the hell they were, but together wasn’t it. He’d made that perfectly clear when he’d stormed out.
Her heart twinged. That whole awful scene had been playing on repeat in her brain since he left. It had taken her already raw grief over her mother’s death and compounded it. Since she’d come back, Xander had been an ally—almost her only ally—and now…
A soft knock sounded on her bedroom door. Kennedy managed to wipe away the latest round of tears before Pru stepped into the room.
“I’m finally finished with my last client of the day—Mrs. Haller—who really digs the new set up, by the way. You really did manage to pull off a little spa vibe in there. The essential oil diffuser was a nice touch.”
“Glad she liked it.” There was no hiding the croak in her voice that betrayed the crying jag.
“Honey.” Pru crossed over to the bed and sat down, wrapping Kennedy in a tight hug.
That did it. That simple gesture of support broke whatever control she’d managed to cobble together. Burying her face against her sister’s shoulder, she wept, pouring out all the aching pain and regret she’d been carrying around for years. She cried for the loss of her family, the loss of the life that might have been. Most of all, she cried for Xander. Because she’d blown her miracle second chance.
Pru held her through the storm, offering tissues when Kennedy had cried herself out.
“Better?”
Kennedy jerked her shoulders in a shrug. “I just hurt, Pru. Everywhere. I miss Mom so damned much. There’s all this stuff I wish I could’ve told her. To explain...”
“Is that what this is about? Something you regret not getting to say?”
Kennedy nodded, though, of course, that wasn’t the whole truth. It seemed she no longer knew how to tell the whole truth.
“She knew you loved her.”
“Not that. I said that as often as I could. I just—I wish I could’ve told her the truth about why I left.”
Pru angled her head. “You’ve never talked about it. With any of us.”
That secret had robbed her of her family and the man she loved. She could either keep it and let the bonds between her and her sisters remain fractured, or she could break her silence and hopefully build some kind of bridge.
She took a shaky breath. “I was blackmailed into leaving.”
Pru’s mouth fell open. “By who?”
So Kennedy told her. All of it, including what she now knew about how none of it had to be that way. And the airing of the secret was like drawing poison out of some wound she’d been carrying around for years. It hurt like a son of a bitch, but at the end she felt like she was bleeding clean. Like maybe it was the first step in starting to heal.
“That’s reprehensible! He should be arrested! Sued. Something!”
“I’m sure it’s far too late for whatever recourse might have been available.”
“But he lied!”
“Cops do it all the time in interrogation. At least if all the books and movies are to be believed. I was young and naive, and he played on that. I don’t think there’s any law against it.”
“There is no excuse for what he did,” Pru declared.
“No. No I’m not defending him. I’m still wrapping my head around the fact that none of it was real. There are all these what-ifs rolling around in my head, and they’re just making me sick.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell any of us?” Pru asked. “I mean, I understand initially, but later. You’ve taken so much flack for how you’ve lived all these years, and none of us ever knew the why.”
“Because I was afraid. I have no idea what the statute of limitations is on that kind of crime, and legal ramifications aside, I was terrified that if I told, that you wouldn’t believe me either, and I’d end up getting kicked out of the family completely.”
“Kennedy.” Pru’s hug was fierce, almost punishing in its intensity. “You are a Reynolds. You’ve been a Reynolds from the moment Mom signed those adoption papers. You didn’t have to do anything to earn
that. Mom loved you. We all love you. You’re our sister, and nothing you can do is ever going to change that. You’re stuck with us for life, woman.”
It helped to hear it. Kennedy supposed it was a sign of some kind of growth that she actually believed it. “Thanks. I really needed that.”
“Now, about Xander.”
Kennedy tensed. “I didn’t mean to hurt him. I don’t even know how he found out.”
“I don’t give a damn how he found out. I give a damn about what he did with the information. How dare he come in here and attack you about it? You were the innocent party in all of this. He has no right to be angry with you.”
“He feels like I didn’t trust him.”
“Well boo hoo, poor him. You got put into a situation where you didn’t feel like you could trust anybody. Once he calms down a bit, he’ll realize that.”
“It’s not just that. I lied to him. By omission anyway. He thought, all this time, that I left because of him. Because of a fight we had the night I left. He spent all this time blaming himself for running me off, beating himself up for it. He apologized for it that night out at the bluff.” Kennedy shook her head. “I barely even remembered it. But that’s what he believed and—I let him think it. I let him think it because it seemed safer than telling him anything that would make him ask questions about all this.”
“You didn’t have a choice. Not then. Surely he’ll grow to see that.”
“I don’t know that it matters, Pru. Right now, he feels like everybody he cares about lied to him. We’re all complicit in this in one way or another.”
“Don’t you be defending him.” She shot off the bed and paced from one end of the room to the other. “I have half a mind to go over there and give him a good boot in the ass myself.”
The image almost wrangled a ghost of a smile. “Please don’t. At this point, Xander just needs to be left alone to work out his own feelings on all of this. If nothing else, it put a stop to us just falling back into a relationship as if nothing ever happened. We aren’t the same people we were at eighteen. We shouldn’t pretend to be.”