“I’ve got you,” he said again. “I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
I burrowed against him, feeling safe and secure, though I still trembled. Stone picked me up and settled me in the truck. I didn’t cry, but I was having trouble distinguishing between reality and old memories. My nightmares had always been vivid, but the flashbacks in the daytime were worse. They were real enough I thought I was still there. The sights, smells, touches—all of it like it was happening again, on some sort of loop I could never turn off.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Stone
I carried her straight to the bathroom once we got home. She hadn’t spoken one word since I’d put her in the truck. It was almost as if she wasn’t even with me.
I set her in the chair in the corner near the tub and switched on the taps. Water cascaded from the spout. I rummaged under the counter until I found a lavender scented bubble bath.
Bubbles immediately formed as the tub filled. I lit the candles surrounding it and dimmed the lights.
Muriella hadn’t moved.
I knelt before her and removed her socks and shoes. She stared past me, her hands limp in her lap.
I grabbed the shampoo, conditioner, and body wash from the shower and arranged it on the ledge of the tub. When it was almost full, I tested the temperature. Hot, but not so much she’d burn.
“It’s ready.”
She flicked her eyes toward me, but remained still.
“Want some help?”
An imperceptible nod was the only response. I drew in a shaky breath. I hadn’t thought this through. A bath was supposed to help her relax, but I hadn’t thought about how she’d get in the water until I was faced with undressing her.
Shit.
How was I supposed to do that without upsetting her?
My hands shook when I pulled her to her feet. She was like a dishrag as I lifted her arms above her head. I edged my fingers under the hem of her sweater and held my breath as I took it off. A thin long-sleeved shirt was all that separated me from her skin.
You can do this.
Her arms remained straight up. I had to trust she’d stop me if it was too much for her. Slowly, I peeled off her shirt. Nude satin covered her breasts.
My dick grew hard and I cursed it to hell for being such a bastard.
I blew out a breath and freed the button of her jeans. I willed my hands to stop trembling as I lowered the zipper and pushed them off her slender hips. Her panties matched the bra, and though they were nothing provocative, I still couldn’t help being affected.
I helped her step out of her jeans and made an executive decision. The underwear stayed on. That was all there was to it.
I rolled my sleeves up and scooped her into my arms. I held her over the water so that only her feet dipped in.
“Temperature okay?”
She nodded, and I lowered her into the warm bath. She slid down, and her head disappeared under the water. I stopped breathing until she resurfaced.
Damn it, I was losing my head. She needed me to stay cool, in control, when I was anything but.
I sank to my knees and reached for the handheld nozzle. Taking great care not to get water in her eyes, I rinsed the bubbles from her hair. I squeezed shampoo in my palm and lathered it in my hands.
She closed her eyes when I began to massage her scalp. The motion settled me a fraction, and I concentrated on the task instead of my fear.
I repeated with the conditioner, using my hand over her forehead to keep water from running down her face just like Mama had done for me when I was a kid. Once I’d finished, she sank down until her chin touched the water. Her head dropped back against the lip of the tub.
I stood to get a washcloth and set it on the counter while I pulled up the music app on my phone. Satisfied I’d found the song I wanted her to hear, I pressed play.
“Fix You” by Coldplay filled the room. I stooped back down beside the tub and dipped the cloth in the water. Gently, I lifted her arm and rubbed body wash up the length. I held my breath as I ran it over her chest, careful not to touch her breasts.
A sopping bra strap slipped off her shoulder. I slid it back in place and resumed soaping her opposite arm. I skipped between her legs and her back. She seemed content not to move.
I finished by cleaning in between her toes. I squeezed the excess water from the cloth and hung it on the side of the tub.
“Want to soak a bit?”
She nodded again. Her chest expanded as she inhaled deeply before her shoulders sank on an exhale.
I kissed her forehead and moved to the chair. I stretched my legs out in front of me and crossed one ankle over the other, ready to wait as long as she needed me to.
Her stress had been apparent when she came barreling out of that church. She’d told off God? What did that mean? And then right after that, she’d gone to a completely different time and place. One she never should have had to live through the first time, let alone over and over again.
“He always grabbed my wrist.” I sat up straight when she spoke. “Before he…”
Dread filled me.
She’d tried to get past me, and I’d grabbed her by the wrist to stop her. I scrubbed my forehead. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
It was my fault she’d gone straight back to hell. Again.
“I didn’t know,” I whispered.
“Now you see why we can’t do this.” Her voice was robotic.
“Can’t do what?” I sat on the edge of the seat.
“What if this happened in front of our children? It would frighten them just like it scares you.”
“We can work on it together.”
“I’ve been working on it for twenty-two years.”
“You think I’ll quit just because I’m scared?” I moved back beside the tub to my knees.
“I won’t have you blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault. You didn’t know he did that to me. I hadn’t thought of it in a long time.”
“Shhh.” I brushed my thumb over her lips. “You don’t carry this on your own any longer.”
“I can’t burden you with it. I only told you what happened because I thought it would help us. Obviously I was wrong.”
She’d yet to open her eyes. I needed her to see I wasn’t going anywhere, but she wouldn’t fucking look at me.
“You weren’t wrong. We’ve just got to keep at it.”
“I don’t know if I want to.” Her words knocked me back. “I was doing okay. Hadn’t had any vivid thoughts about this in a long time. Now I can’t get it off my mind. I’d rather go back to managing.”
A thickness formed in my throat. She believed she was better off without me. Of all the things that could hurt me, nothing was worse than that.
“Hang with me, darlin’.” I cupped her cheek. “The thing about storms is they don’t last forever.”
“Mine won’t be over until I die.”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Muriella
I slipped out of bed well before the sun came up. Yet another night had passed without sleep. Still shaken from the vividness of the flashback and its remnants, I crept down the hall toward Stone’s room.
His sleeping form was beautiful. I would mourn his absence when he wasn’t here anymore. My rejection of his offer to stay in my room had hurt him, and though I needed him, I couldn’t tolerate even his touch right now. Everything was still too raw.
I didn’t doubt he meant what he said about his feelings for me, but having a wife as troubled as I was would grow tiresome. Wife. When had I started thinking of myself in those terms? Probably somewhere around the time I’d let the idea of being a mother creep into my head.
Though he wasn’t very good at doing it himself, Daniel had taught me it was okay to rely on others sometimes. I really needed to remember that. I found my tablet, plugged my earbuds in to it, and closed myself in my study. The pictures of all our Christmases since Vivian had come into our lives lined my desk. They never failed to bring a smile
to my face, even when I was at my worst.
I dialed Vivian without thinking of the time difference. Daniel’s face was the one that appeared. He held up a finger, and I saw Vivian’s sleeping form in the bed behind him.
“Is it late there?” I asked once he’d settled on the back deck of their home in New Zealand. It was light, though I couldn’t tell if it was nearer to dusk or dawn.
“She’s just tired.” He smirked, apparently satisfied with wearing out his new wife.
“I don’t want to hear about why.” I covered one ear with my hand.
“I’m not the one who’s so open about those things,” he reminded me.
“Fair enough.”
“It’s barely five there.”
I shifted in my chair. I’d wanted Vivian, though I hadn’t really planned on what I would say.
“Want me to wake her?” he offered.
I shook my head. “I told Stone about…”
Daniel’s face tightened when I trailed off. “Did he leave you?”
I blinked at him. “No. Why would you think that?”
“I seem to automatically assume the worst.” He rubbed his temples. “It was completely unfair of me. Stone’s a decent man.”
I slumped down. “Which is going to be a problem.”
“How so?”
“Are you sure you want to talk about this? Now’s about the time you usually find a way to change the subject or leave the room.”
He paled and looked away. Immediately I regretted pointing it out, even if it was the truth.
“I wonder sometimes if I did right by you. If I could’ve found someone like Mrs. Quinn, maybe she’d have been better for you than I have been.”
I choked on the sob that threatened to escape. It couldn’t have been easy being a young man saddled with a broken little girl. Never once had he made me feel like he wished he’d never found me. Until now.
“Muriella, you mistake what I say,” he backpedaled. “I—I just couldn’t have been easy to live with. I fumbled my way through, trying to figure out the right thing to do. But it never occurred to me until much, much later that you’d have been better off with someone who could have been a real parent to you. You saved me far more than I ever did you.”
I covered my mouth with my hand. He became blurry on the screen. “Would you do it all again?” I swiped at my eyes and gained control over my tears.
“In a heartbeat.” He ran a hand through his hair. “This distance between us…I know I’m at the root of it, but I can’t stand it.”
This new version of Daniel who was more open with his feelings was something I was still getting used to.
“Now tell me what else happened.” The intensity of his stare bored into me, even through the screen.
“How do you know there’s more?”
“Because I know you.”
“I freaked out yesterday. He grabbed my wrist. It was innocent, but I went straight back to the past.” I closed my eyes as it happened all over again. “Daniel, it was so real. I thought I was there.”
“And Stone handled it—”
“He was perfect. When I came out of it, he was scared, but he handled it well.”
He gave a satisfied nod. “That’s a good thing. You’re finding your way together.”
I slumped in my seat. “I thought I had these things under control. That intimacy would be the biggest hurdle.” I covered my face with my hand. “I can’t do this to him. It’s not fair.”
Daniel was quiet a minute, his gaze drifting past the tablet.
“You didn’t particularly care for it when I made a choice for you without giving you the opportunity to do so for yourself.”
“No, I didn’t. That was wrong of you to do.”
“Yet you’ve already decided for Stone that this relationship is impossible.”
“It’s different,” I protested, then immediately snapped my mouth shut.
“Maybe it is,” he conceded. “I know you, and I know exactly why you think you have to let him go. Maybe you’re not ready for a life with someone else.”
“I am,” I said stubbornly before I’d even had a chance to think about it.
“No relationship is easy. But if Stone is what you want, you’ve got to learn to lean on him. Take it from the stubborn schmuck who almost lost everything.”
I snorted. “When you make a point, you really make a point.”
“I want you to be happy.”
“What do you think I should do?” Just then, the door creaked open and Stone’s sleepy face appeared. I turned the tablet so Daniel could see him. “I have to go. Give Vivian my love.”
“Don’t make the same mistakes I have,” Daniel said.
My finger hovered over the red button to end the connection. “I’ll try not to.” And I hung up.
Stone remained in the doorway. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“It’s okay. I couldn’t sleep.”
“Nightmares?”
“No. Though I imagine they’d have been waiting on me.”
He gripped the doorframe. “You shouldn’t have to live like this.”
“But it’s what I’ve got.” I set the tablet on my desk. “I’d gotten pretty good at navigating through the shark-infested waters. I’m sure it seems like this rules my life, but up until recently, it hasn’t been at the forefront.”
“And now it is because of me.”
I tucked my legs up under me. “I never really let myself consider the possibility of a relationship before, of growing my family. Now that I am, it’s pushed a lot to the surface.”
“I only wanted to help you heal.” The anguish in his voice was more than I could bear.
“My default reaction seems to be to push you away, to find any excuse to believe this won’t work.” I leaned forward, planting my elbows on the glass surface. “Someone who’s pretty wise pointed out that in a relationship there are two people to work things out. I’ve just gotten used to carrying this on my own.”
“I can’t quit. I hate you think I’d want to.”
“The older we get, the harder it is to accept change.” I rested my chin in my hands. “I’ve not handled this well.”
“You’re the strongest person I know.”
“I’m talking about us.” He sagged against the doorframe. “I need to take a breath here. Everything is happening so fast.”
His face blanched. “You’re done?”
“No. I—I haven’t fully trusted you. Myself either. I need to figure out if I’m capable of letting you be my partner, if I can accept you’ll be my rock like you were yesterday. Because you were, you know.”
“Did you think I’d take off?” He balled his fists at his sides, an edge in his voice.
“I think a little part of me wanted you to so I’d be right. But most of me is grateful.”
He nodded once, but his hurt was palpable.
“It was wrong of me to try to decide for you what you can handle. I’m sorry for that.” I looked at the pictures on my desk. “I have to figure out if it’s a habit I can let you help me break.” I gave him a sad smile.
He pressed his lips together. “Think a few days is long enough?”
“I’m not sure,” I answered honestly.
“I woke up because Zegas called. He’s arranged for an interview tomorrow in Dallas. Thinks it’s time for me to show my face and remind everybody of the good ol’ boy I am,” he said wryly.
“Tomorrow?”
“Yeah. I’ll leave this afternoon after I finish my scenes. I have a couple of days off, so it worked out. Figured I’d head to the ranch after the interview.” He shoved his hands in the pockets of his pajama pants. “I thought you might want to go with me, but it sounds like you need to stick around here.”
I nodded, though part of me was disappointed. I had asked for time, and yet I didn’t want him to leave. What a mess I was.
“How long will you be gone?” The words came out in a needy mass.
“I’ve
got to be back by Tuesday, unless they screw up the schedule again.”
I managed a smile, though I felt empty, and he wasn’t even gone yet. “Then I guess I’ll see you on Monday night.”
“I’d like to take you out on our third date Sunday week. Not because you owe me, but because you want to.”
“Okay.” I pushed back from the desk, erasing the distance between us. Once I stood before him, I tilted my head back. He was so much taller than me, yet he didn’t make me feel small. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I wish it hadn’t happened, but I’m so glad you were here.”
Fresh linen and sunshine filled my nose, a soothing balm.
“We’re gonna make it, darlin’. Just have a little faith.”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Stone
“I told you to answer when I call. Instead, I’ve had to track your ass down.”
Kane Zegas sauntered into my dressing room like he owned the place.
“Some of us have to work. And that work doesn’t require having a phone strapped to us like another appendage.”
“Look at this.” He tossed down a stack of papers in my lap. “You ever heard of a prairie chicken?”
I flipped through the stack. “Yeah. What’s that got to do with anything?”
Zegas stabbed at the top sheet. “Six months ago, one county over from your ranch, an eminent domain case was thrown out after the discovery of prairie chickens.”
I sat up. “Are you sayin’ if we’ve got those things, they might not take our land?”
He folded his arms over his chest and nodded smugly. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
“How do we find out if we’ve got them.”
“I’m going to contact the USDA, but wanted to check with you about it first.”
“Why the hell would you wait? We don’t have time.”
He perched on the arm of the chair opposite me. “Those birds are close to being on the endangered list, so this could be complicated. If they find them on your property, it may cause some problems with the operations of the ranch.”
Three Dates (Paths To Love Book 2) Page 20