Blue leaned his forehead against the door. He’d never wanted her to feel as if he was the only one who contributed to their marriage. She was his sounding board, she grounded him in a world where almost nothing stayed the same. Somewhere along the line, he’d stopped listening to Rose. They’d been married a week and he’d already failed as a husband.
He walked away from the door, his heart heavy. In the bedroom he stripped off his shirt and searched for more clothes from the closet. He looked at the pants and shirt, so neatly pressed and hung. Had he ever seen Rose iron clothes? Did she send them to the cleaners? Why didn’t he know?
He pulled a shirt and pants from the hanger. The door opened and Rose walked in, a towel on her head and a towel wrapped around her body. Her eyes were red and puffy but she seemed calmer.
“Hey,” she said and closed the door behind her.
“Hey.”
She walked toward him and he dropped his clothes on the floor, opening his arms to her. She stood in the circle of his arms, not speaking, her turbaned head awkwardly resting on his shoulder. “Sorry for being a jerk.”
“I think I missed something big.”
She leaned back and looked in his eyes. “You didn’t miss anything. I was trying to hide it.” She sighed. “I need to do something… more. I thought I had to be content with everything I had because I have so much already. You, the babies, great friends, this apartment.”
“But it’s not enough.”
She smiled. “I’ve never been happy without a project. My brain needs something to do. I haven’t figured out what yet, but I will.”
“I hope you know that I never expect you to do all my laundry and make all my meals. An I’ll learn how to make healthier foods so you’re not having to eat sugared steak and candied carrots and pork chops when I cook.”
Her face went pink. “I know that, and your food is fine. I was frustrated and took it out on you.” She sighed. “Here I was trying to
Blue leaned forward and kissed her softly. She kissed him back, then pulled away. “Where’s the baby? Did she let you put her down?”
“Bix has her. Oh, and we have a living room full of people.”
Rose’s mouth dropped open and she rushed toward the closet. “You should have told me that first. They’re probably wondering what we’re doing in here.”
“Or not,” Blue said scooping his clothes off the floor. Knowing Andy and Paul, they were openly speculating. He hoped Gideon had managed to get Andy’s phone before he took a picture.
He slid on his jeans and pulled a shirt over his head. “I’ll go out and keep them company. They’re taking a short break and then we’ll be back at it. And the rehearsal dinner is still on for tonight.”
Rose pointed at the plastic covered garment bags hanging in the closet. “All ready,” she said.
He gave her one more kiss and left the room. So, maybe he wasn’t a complete failure as a husband after all. But it was a small consolation to know he hadn’t ignored what she’d been saying. Rose hadn’t felt like she could tell him anything at all. And that was more concerning than the fact he’d been oblivious.
Chapter Fifteen
“I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.”
― Pablo Neruda
Flannery frowned into the bathroom mirror and adjusted the clip in her hair for the tenth time. She wasn’t usually fussy about her hair but she felt out of place tonight. Maybe it was the hours of slinging sandbags in the mud. Or maybe it was the fact she’d had to come back to By the Book to pick up her outfit. She certainly didn’t mind being the costume Paul and Alice had made for her. The pale blue dress made her feel pretty and feminine. Or it had when she’d tried it on the other day. Now she felt nervous and awkward and sick to her stomach.
A soft knock on the door startled her and she called out, “Almost done.” Rose had insisted she change in her apartment and drive over with them. The only problem was that they were already half-way out the door when Rose had shown up to get her costume. They shouldn’t have waited. Flannery was fine driving by herself. She didn’t need an escort. Plus, Paul and Alice were getting the girls ready and would meet them downstairs.
She took one last look in the mirror and forced a smile. She was going to sit next to Rem and pretend everything was fine. Just the thought of it made tears spring to her eyes. She missed him so much it was like a physical ache. How had she never noticed how much they talked? Her phone had been silent for days but she hadn’t broken the habit of picking it up, expecting to see a message from Rem. Everywhere she looked she saw him. Everything she read, reminded her of something they’d talked over. Wherever she went, she saw something she wanted to discuss with him. It was as if her mind was having to relearn how to think about the whole world but kept tripping over the hole where Rem used to be.
Brushing off the pain, Flannery opened the door and walked out into the living room.
Blue let out a low whistle at the sight of her, and Rose smacked him in the arm. “Don’t be sexist,” she said, but Flannery could tell she didn’t mean it.
“I apologize. You look elegant. Unlike my wife.”
Flannery laughed a little. Rose was dressed as some sort of old beggar woman.
“The healer has more powers than the traveling princess, so I’m okay with that.” Rose eyed Blue’s outfit. “Not sure what your excuse is.”
“Hey, there was a mix up. Or at least, that’s what Andy said. He could be pulling my leg.” He smoothed the leather vest and lifted his chin. “Maybe it’s supposed to be skin-tight.”
“Better you than me,” Rose said. “I don’t want to have to hold in my stomach during dinner.”
“Well, mix up and all, I think Charlie is going to love it. She’s a sucker for anything cosplay. Now, I’ve never played the game but I’ve seen the posters. I’m a handsome guy, no doubt about it.”
“You are, I agree. The woodsman has a much bigger beer belly.” Rose patted his stomach.
“Bigger? You mean he has one, while I do not.”
Flannery forced a smile. She’d always loved watching Rose and Blue tease each other. Now, faced with the rehearsal dinner, she felt like she was surrounded by happy couples. Aside from Fr. Tom and Rem, she’d be the only single person not wrapped up in a tidy bow of romantic love.
Blue struck a pose and there was the soft sound of seams ripping.
Rose gasped and turned him around. “What was that?”
He tried looking behind himself. “Maybe the pants?”
Flannery started to giggle as they both struggled to find the tear. “Should I go downstairs to let them know you’ll be a few more minutes?”
“Yep. My handsome husband has ripped his costume somewhere.” Rose was already slipping off his vest and looking at the back of the shirt.
Flannery left the apartment and started down the hallway. As she made it to the stairs she realized she’d be going by Rem’s floor. She hadn’t seen him since that afternoon. He’d waved as everyone had disbursed. The wall of sandbags was a good two feet tall and should help hold the water if the river started to flood. Flannery had watched him walk away from her and wondered if that was what it felt like when someone died.
She found herself tiptoeing down the stairs as she passed the second floor. Reaching the main floor, she let out a breath.
“Are they coming?” Alice asked. She was tying ribbons in Aurora’s little jacket. The toddler beamed up at Flannery and said, “Gnome!”
“Yes, you’re a gnome.” She smiled at the sight of Aurora but laughed as she took in the babies. They were dresses as little gnomes as well, with matching peaked caps. “And they’ll be down in a second. Blue split a seam, I think.”
Alice straightened up, brushing back her veil. She was dressed as an evil queen, complete with jeweled scepter. “Oh, that’s bad. The costume shop really messed up those measurements. It was like it was made for a kid.”
; “Rose is pretty short. Maybe they got them switched?” Paul emerged from the back room. His uniform was tattered and looked like it had bloodstains. He saw Flannery’s expression and said, “Ketchup. I’m the fallen soldier character.”
“I really should have checked out the game before now.”
Elizabeth started to fuss and Alice picked her up. “Maybe we should go on ahead. That way I can get the girls settled in the hall before Charlie comes in. Rem went on ahead of us.”
“I don’t mind waiting for them,” Flannery said. She actually liked the idea of hanging out in the bookstore. They’d closed up for the evening and it was peaceful in the foyer.
“Drive safely,” Paul said as they headed for the door. “It’s not raining but the temperature has dropped pretty fast. There might be icy patches.”
“I will,” Flannery said. “I’m used to driving in winter weather. Not a problem.”
“Feel free to browse the poetry section,” Alice called as they left. Paul grinned at her comment and Flannery wondered what was significant about the poetry section.
She locked the door behind them and stood for a moment in the darkened bookstore. The fire was low in the grate and there were few lights on, giving the place a cozy feel. Of course, to some, it might seem spooky. To Flannery, she was thankful for the silence and the shadows. For the first time all day, she felt herself let go of her persona of happy librarian. Walking across the foyer, the sound of her footsteps reminded her of the stone floor of the big church in Boston. She’d loved the midnight church service last year. She and Rem had stood together holding their candles, singing Silent Night, and celebrating the eternal miracle of the incarnation.
It had been perfect. She’d been so happy.
Shaking off the memory, Flannery wandered to the poetry aisle. Alice believed that poetry changed the world, and although Flannery loved it, she wasn’t so sure. If she had to choose, she’d say children’s literature changed the world. The books people read as children shaped their whole lives.
She stood for a moment in the darkened aisle, listening to the soft sounds of the bookstore. Pulling a small leather book from the shelf, she carefully opened it to a place near the middle. Love and Friendship by Emily Brontë was the only poem on the slim page.
Love is like the wild rose-briar,
Friendship like the holly-tree—
The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms
But which will bloom most constantly?
The wild rose-briar is sweet in spring,
Its summer blossoms scent the air;
Yet wait till winter comes again
And who will call the wild-briar fair?
Then scorn the silly rose-wreath now
And deck thee with the holly’s sheen,
That when December blights thy brow
He still may leave thy garland green.
Flannery stared at the page, tasting the words on her tongue. It couldn’t be a coincidence. God was telling her that she shouldn’t ask to be the rose-briar, but the holly. She was supposed to choose friendship over romantic love. Tears stung her eyes. Friendship was the greater love, perhaps but how could she choose it after she already loved Rem? How could she just flip the switch and only feel friendship for him? She wanted Rem to love her like she loved him, and she wanted it with a desperation that felt like her heart was tearing in two.
“Are you waiting for Blue and Rose?”
Flannery let out a gasp and whirled around. Rem stood there at the end of the range. He lifted his hands in a ‘don’t shoot’ motion. He was wearing a costume that looked like an odd combination of Indiana Jones and an old fashioned explorer. She tried not to stare. It was the historical romance novel version of Rem. The way the low light in the room threw his face into shadow, he looked serious and mysterious. She wanted to looked at him forever.
He seemed uncomfortable under her gaze and straightened his jacket. “I’m sorry. I thought you heard me walk up.”
She shook her head, struggling to catch up with the moment.
“You look beautiful.”
Flannery wanted to say thank you but instead put a hand to her hair, as if checking that the clips were still in. Two butterflies on each side and a flower clip in the back held her curls in place. The sheer shawl around her shoulders suddenly seemed inadequate and she crossed one arm over her chest, then let it drop. Obviously he had already seen her dress. There was no reason to try and hide it. Alice had worried that Flannery wouldn’t like the cut of it, but she hadn’t cared about the dip in the front or the knee high slit in the skirt until that moment. Now she felt positively ridiculous. Rem must think she was trying to be as alluring as possible.
He cleared his throat. “I heard there might be snow tomorrow.”
“Really?” She tried to feel happy. She would have loved a snowy Christmas day with Rem. They would have walked all over the city, taking pictures of their favorite places covered with glittering fluff. Now she felt nothing except relief that it might keep the river from flooding.
“What are you reading?”
Flannery was surprised she hadn’t slammed the book shut when he’d startled her. She held it out.
He stepped forward and took it from her. He read it silently and his brows came down, shadowing his eyes. “What do you think? Is holly better than the briar-rose?” he asked.
She met his eyes. He wanted her to understand that friendship was better. In that moment she realized that she couldn’t like to him. She’d always teased Rem about how transparent he was, but she’d never thought about herself. Maybe she was. She didn’t know. Lying wasn’t something she did to Rem.
Of course friendship was the answer but she couldn’t say it. Shrugging, she turned away.
“Wait,” he said.
Flannery turned back, holding out her hand for the book, thinking he meant for her to out it away. Rem hesitated, then closed the book and put it in her palm. A moment later, he reached out and cupped her cheek.
Flannery felt all her thoughts disappear and the sounds in the room faded away. He was looking at her with an expression she couldn’t define. She was so tired of fighting him, so tired of being alone. It had only been a day and it had felt like a lifetime. She stepped forward involuntarily and they were just inches apart.
“Pippi,” he said softly.
She couldn’t speak. She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. If she could just stay there forever, the heat from his palm against her cheek, their hands joined with only a book separating them.
A moment later Rose’s voice called out her name and the spell was broken. Flannery opened her eyes and Rem stepped back.
“Time to go,” he said softly.
She nodded and put the book back in its spot, her hands trembling. She hoped he didn’t see.
“Pippi,” he said. “I need to talk to you.”
She swallowed hard. “I know. But let’s get through tonight and then we’ll talk. Okay? Charlie and Austin come first.”
Rem nodded, his face tight.
“There you guys are,” Rose said. She seemed to sense that she’d walked in on a sensitive conversation and turned toward the door. “We’ll warm up the car.”
Rem followed her. “We’re right behind you.”
Flannery didn’t bother to argue. They could have their talk some other time. She dread having her heart broken so thoroughly, but was also glad of the temporary reprieve.
Minutes later they were out the door. Flannery tried insist on driving herself, and bringing Rose and Blue, but somehow ended up in the front seat of Rem’s SUV, with the others in the back seat. She tried her best to keep up a cheerful conversation all the way to the restaurant, but her mind was elsewhere. She didn’t want to replay that moment over and over, but somehow she couldn’t help it.
The look in his eyes and the feel of his hand, it was the only thing that kept her from falling to pieces. It didn’t mean anything, and tomorrow they would be back to awkward small talk
, but for that moment, Flannery held on to the memory with all her might.
As the drove along the river walk and looked out at the swollen river, Flannery admitted to herself that she didn’t care whether romantic love faded and relationships never ended. She would have given thirty years of friendship with Rem for one moment of his love. Flannery knew that a truly noble love would choose the lasting friendship. She knew it, but couldn’t convince her heart otherwise.
She loved Rem. Friendship simply wasn’t enough, no matter how many years they would have together.
***
Tom looked around the long table of friends and wanted to laugh. Every person seated there was dressed as a character from Charlie’s video game, and although she had been delighted, they all looked a bit silly. He didn’t mind playing along, even though he was stuck with playing a mage whose robes must have been woven from horsehair. He could feel the rough fiber through his black clerical dress shirt and tried not to scratch.
“Nice outfit,” Gideon said from across the table. He was the giant and had some sort of strange gray fabric winding his arms and legs. Tom thought he looked like a muscular mummy.
“Thanks. Sort of a reverse John the Baptist.”
Gideon snickered. “It’s not even Lent.”
“I guess I should be glad it’s a shirt and not girding my loins.”
Henry let out a soft laugh. She’d been subdued all night but seemed happier now that the food had arrived. The fried chicken was tender, the collard greens weren’t overcooked, and the biscuits were flaky. “I’m going to give Alice a big box of chocolates for making me the innkeeper’s wife. This is the softest, most comfortable dress I’ve ever worn.”
“I don’t think that character is in the game,” Tom said. “I think she just wanted you to be happy.”
She didn’t fall for it and leaned closer, whispering, “Did you see Flannery? She looks incredible. I don’t know how Rem can keep his eyes off her.”
Until Winter Comes Again: (An Inspirational Contemporary Romance) (Cane River Romance Book 6) Page 14