Until I'm Found

by M. Lynne Cunning

  Should I?

  After he had scared me in the parking lot, I had almost immediately let my guard down and was undeniably comfortable during our brief exchange of words. Perhaps I should have been more wary of the idea that he’d waited in the parking lot for me. I wasn’t sure, but something told me that I really didn’t need to be cautious of Cole and his intentions. Sure, I didn’t know him. I knew nothing about him except his name and the brand of beer he liked to drink. That said, Ryan did know him and so did Maria. Surely if there was something about Cole that I should know about or be careful of, one of them would have told me. Right?

  After padding back downstairs in my bare feet and rechecking to make sure the locks on the doors and windows were in place, I made myself a hot tea. I only drank tea late at night, but there was never a substitute for a good cup of coffee, no matter what time of day it was. I brought the mug with me upstairs, grabbing my purse as well before turning all the lights off on the main floor.

  I set the mug on my nightstand, and the purse on my bed. Reaching into it, I found what I was looking for, the same object I had instinctively reached for when Cole had caught me off guard in the parking lot, and the same object I had so diligently placed under my pillow every night since I left California.

  I pulled the small handgun out and looked at it, checking to make sure the safety was still on. Thank God I hadn’t actually pulled it out earlier tonight. The realization that my first instinct was to reach for my gun made me worry.

  Was I so damaged by my past, the life I had left behind, that hearing someone say my name when I wasn’t expecting it would cause me to pull a gun on them? I tried to tell myself that the late time of night, the emptiness of the parking lot, and the unexpectedness of Cole’s presence at that particular moment all played a factor in my immediate reaction, but I couldn’t even convince myself of that. No wonder I didn’t trust myself.

  I had thought it was him, I admitted silently. I was convinced he had found me here.

  That thought scared me more than any reservations I might have had regarding Cole or any other member of this town. I set my purse on the floor beside my bed and pushed the gun, its metal still warm from being held tightly in my hands, under my pillow. I nestled myself under the worn out comforter on my bed and reached over, turning off the lamp on my bedside table. My mug of tea remained untouched and quickly became cold as I fell into a restless sleep.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The sun was already high in the sky when I awoke in the morning. After tossing, turning, and getting little sleep throughout the hours of darkness, I tended to find refuge once the sun began to rise and light began to seep through the threadbare curtains that covered my bedroom window. In the light of morning, shadows that seemed alive with impending danger became nothing more than darkened corners eclipsed from the moon’s glow and noises in the blackness became nothing more than an old house shifting and creaking harmlessly.

  Daylight was my sanctuary, my safe house. My mind tended to calm enough to allow me real sleep when all corners of my surroundings were basked within its glow. This is why I worked at night. Sleeping during the day tended to wreak havoc on the notion of working effectively at any other time. I was pretty good at surviving on little sleep, anyway.

  I padded downstairs and made a half pot of coffee, intent on drinking all of it myself. The hours ticked by slowly when I was home, and I had little else to focus on except for the house itself.

  The house, from the outside, wasn’t much to look at. The landlords had ceased to put much money or effort into upkeep, doing only what was necessary to keep the building standing. In their defense, they were an elderly couple and I was sure the amount of structural and landscaping work that was needed was more than they themselves would be able to handle on their own.

  However, there was also the fact that they were just plain cheap, if only when it came to this house they didn’t have to look at every day. I had placed my first and last months’ rent money in the mailbox as they had instructed me to do and watched from the window when the couple drove up and the elderly woman got out of the car slowly to retrieve the envelope.

  She had more jewelry on her hands and neck than I would ever own in my entire life. Her hair was immaculate and dyed a rich auburn color that undoubtedly made her look a decade or so younger than she truly was, and the car she had gotten out of was a Mercedes. I had yet to catch a glimpse of her husband, but I was more than certain there was some money available that could be spent on sprucing this place up a little bit, even if it was just paint and a few newer appliances.

  I couldn’t complain though. Mrs. Ainslie had lowered the rent, allowed me to move in without some kind of contract or lease, and had graciously left the house fully furnished. The furniture, appliances, and decor were all at least double my age, but they worked. She had even allowed me to pay one flat rate of rent each month so that I didn’t have to worry about electricity or utility bills. The house was old and decrepit. But, for right now, it was mine, and there wasn’t much else I could call mine. That said, even weeks later, I still couldn’t bring myself to purchase anything that I could call my own. No household items, no luxuries, nothing to make the place look like it was mine. I told myself it was because my style of decorating would clash with the 1960s decor that was already here, but the truth was that I was not sure I was ready to allow myself that freedom.

  By the time I had busied myself for hours with the mundane task of tidying up a place that didn’t really need it, the sun had hidden itself behind the clouds and I quickly wondered if this would be the only time I would be able to walk all the way downtown without melting from the heat. I may not yet allow myself the luxuries of personally owned household goods or decorative items that showed off my own personal style, but I did need to buy other everyday items such as shampoo and conditioner.

  I got ready and tossed my hair up into a ponytail. It was refreshing to leave my house without any make-up on. I dressed as best I could when I worked at the bar but rarely did I get the chance to just go out au natural and not worry about what I looked like to other people. Or maybe I just didn’t allow myself the opportunity.

  Hmm, I wonder who got me into that habit.

  Ethan had never allowed me to leave the house without looking my absolute best. It was practically a motto he lived by. It mattered to him how others saw us. To him, it was imperative that our relationship from the outside looking in showed what others deemed as perfect. Ethan didn’t care that what we actually had between us was anything but flawless. It only mattered that others perceived us that way. Therefore, I was to look my absolute best and, according to him, that entailed me wearing make-up and high-end clothing he had to approve of.

  Before I could allow myself to wallow in my memories and regrets any longer, I snatched my purse from the floor and tucked my handgun into the front pocket. Other than stashing it under my pillow at night, I kept it in the drawer closest to the refrigerator when I was home during the day, and I never left the house without it. Maybe it was paranoia, but it had become a routine. It seemed I had a lot of bad habits I needed to rid myself of.

  When I made it to the downtown strip, a small street with vintage shops and stores lining both sides of it, my clothes were already sticking to me and I was grateful I’d had the sense to tie my hair up before I’d left. Sun or no sun, it was definitely warm today. I wasn’t complaining, though; the sun was welcomed. Sometimes I think I forgot the sun could shine; most of my days were spent in the darkness of night. Being a bartender seemed to have made me nocturnal.

  It wasn’t long before I realized I had slowed my pace and begun to nonchalantly stroll down the sidewalks, stopping every now and then to peer through the glass at the window displays or sift through the racks of clothes and bins of sale items that were wheeled out onto the sidewalks to catch the attention of passersby.

  People were moving about around me, but no one seemed to be in a hurry. Almost everyone I made eye contact wi
th said hello whether I knew them or not. I found a pair of glamorous looking sunglasses in a sale bin and slid them on my face, stooping slightly to glance in the cheap mirror that had been fastened to the side of the rack. I smiled at myself in the mirror. The glasses weren’t only fun, they were inexpensive. Besides, I could easily convince myself that I looked good in them.

  “Those are sexy on you, princess.”

  I whirled around to face Jeremy, his crooked smirk still plastered on his face as he chewed on the straw of the to-go cup in his hand. He had surprised me but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of chastising him for sneaking up on me. Besides, he hadn’t really snuck up on me, I’d just been in my own little world and he’d broken through the peacefulness of it. I held the glasses in place on my face and gave my best Hollywood smile.

  “They’re very Marilyn Monroe, I think,” I stated. I was glad the blackness of the lenses covered my eyes as I lowered them to take in how different he looked without his uniform on.

  “Well, she was hot, too, so I guess you’re right.”

  I pulled the glasses off my face, placing them gently back on the rack. “There you go being crass again.”

  “Crass?” Jeremy laughed harder than I expected and then he shrugged. “Believe me, darlin’, I’ve been called much worse than crass. If that’s the best you’ve got, you better brush up on your insults, my dear.” He continued to chuckle and I shook my head, pressing my lips together to suppress my amusement.

  “Trust me, if I meant to insult you, Officer, you’d know.” But I was smiling now and he saw it. He was, too, with a gleam in his eye that practically told me what he was going to say next.

  “Go out with me, princess.”

  “I am out with you,” I replied, darting my gaze around dramatically. “So, do you mind ducking into that store over there so no one sees us together?” His smirk faltered slightly until he saw me wink, then he knew I was only joking.

  “And there you go being feisty again.”

  “If you can be cocky then I can be feisty.”

  “Whatever you want, princess. Let’s go get coffee.” He pointed down the street toward a shop with an awning over it—the local café. I just shook my head.

  “I can’t. I have some shopping to do.”

  “They do make to-go cups, you know.” He winked at me. “We’ll get coffee and I’ll walk with you while you do your shopping. I might even hold your bags if you’re nice to me.”

  I arched an eyebrow at him, giving myself a moment to collect my thoughts. As much as I tried, I couldn’t come up with a valid reason as to why this would be a bad idea. Reluctantly, I shrugged.

  “Fine. Coffee it is. I need my hourly fix anyway.” I stepped past him and headed toward the café in the distance. Jeremy was right behind me, questioning me about my caffeine problem the whole way.

  “That much coffee probably ain’t good for you, you know.”

  I’m sure he meant well but, damn it, lecturing me on my caffeine problem was not a good way to start a conversation. “I swear, Officer, if you start scolding me for my coffee habits, I’m going to have to rethink this invitation to walk with me while I go shopping.”

  “And if you continue to refer to me as Officer,” he stated with a smug sideways glance, “I will be forced to continue discussing your obvious caffeine addiction just because you don’t want to admit you have a problem.”

  “I never said I didn’t have a problem. I just said I won’t be lectured on it…Jeremy.”

  “There we go,” he said with a nod. “So you can play nice.” He took a step forward to open the door for me. Once inside, a blast of air conditioning hit me squarely. I knew I’d freeze in here. Thank goodness we were getting our coffees to go.

  I turned to Jeremy just before the door swung shut behind him. “Play nice? Please, you’re a fine one to talk.”

  “Who’ve I not played nice with, Amy?” Jeremy feigned shock at such an allegation.

  “Cole.” I immediately regretted the word as it left my mouth. I saw the shadows darken in Jeremy’s eyes. He looked away, showing both sheepishness and hurt, and I knew I had crossed a line of some kind.

  “Let’s get our coffees, princess.” With that, he stepped past me and began to tell the young girl behind the counter what he’d like to order. He then motioned for me to do the same, so I stepped in front of him.

  I ordered a dark roast coffee with one sugar and two cream. I somehow knew that not even a good jolt of caffeine was going to make me feel better about how far I’d just put my foot in my mouth. Jeremy silently paid the barista and I thanked him. He nodded to me in response and we waited for our coffees. In silence. Awkward, to say the least.

  After what seemed like the record-breaking longest amount of time needed to make two coffees, our cups were handed to us and we were on our way back out the door of the shop, me trailing behind Jeremy trying to decide what to say to him.

  “I shouldn’t have said that,” I blurted out finally.

  Jeremy shrugged and smiled at me sadly. “It’s all right, Amy. I just…Cole is kind of a touchy subject. I forgot you work for Ryan. That means you probably know the whole story.”

  I held my hands up in surrender, shaking my head. “I don’t know anything about you two other than what I saw the other night. You obviously don’t like each other much, but that’s none of my business.” I watched him take a sip of his coffee as we walked down the sidewalk, greeting and being greeted by almost every person we met.

  “It wasn’t always like that, you know. We were friends, I mean. Best friends,” Jeremy told me, not meeting my eyes. “But it’s like you said the other day at the bar, one mistake can change everyone’s perception of you. It can change everything. I made that one mistake, princess, and it cost me my best friend.”

  The pain in his words was evident, and I immediately felt compelled to reach out and touch his arm in reassurance.

  “Jeremy, I’m sorry,” I said, as my fingers grazed his upper arm. He turned his head quickly and his gaze locked on mine. For a moment, I wasn’t sure whether or not I should pull my hand away. In a flash, the uncertainty dissipated and only a small smirk remained.

  “No need to be sorry,” he said as he patted my hand against his arm gently. “At least now you know. Now, where exactly do you need to go to shop?”

  The truth was, even after that little conversation, I still knew very little. I didn’t know why Jeremy and Cole didn’t get along, and I didn’t know what Jeremy’s mistake had been. But it had nothing to do with me and, in my experience, the past was better left there.

  I did my best to plaster on a smile, adjusted my purse slung on my shoulder, and pointed toward the pharmacy just ahead. “There. I need shampoo.”

  Jeremy followed me into the store and sipped his coffee silently as I searched for the cheapest brand of shampoo I could find that was still of decent quality. Of course, nothing was on sale so I had to sift through the different brands. Sometimes I could be such a girl.

  “Buy this one,” Jeremy piped up from behind me. I whirled around, my coffee in one hand and a bottle of Pantene in the other. Jeremy offered a bottle of Herbal Essences to me, grinning from ear to ear. “I’ve seen the commercials. It’ll give you perfect hair and an unbelievable—”

  “Bite your tongue, Officer!” I grabbed the bottle from him and plunked it back onto the shelf, struggling to remain deadpan. “You’re such a—”

  “Such a what?” It was his turn to cut my sentence off. He stepped closer to me and whispered as he looked me straight in the eye, “Admit it, darling, you like me. It’s okay though, I like you, too.” He then proceeded to pucker his lips together and blow a kiss at me before stepping away from me again.

  I bit my lip and looked down at my shoes for a moment. This man could be so frustrating and yet so fun at the same time. When I raised my gaze, I pretended to look him up and down in distaste. “I don’t know about that. You’re too sure of yourself, I’m afraid.”r />
  He swept the Herbal Essences bottle from the shelf again and held it up to me. “Not even if I could help you have an unbelievable—”

  “Jeremy!”

  He laughed loudly this time, putting the bottle back on the shelf. The sound was contagious, so wholehearted and genuine, and I found myself joining in. He was right, I did like him, but I’d be damned if I was going to admit it out loud.

  CHAPTER NINE

  I opened the door to the bar the next night and practically fell into the darkened room, met with the scent of strong whiskey and the sound of Aerosmith blaring from the speakers of the jukebox. I was extremely close to being late, even after running almost the whole way to the bar in my heeled boots. I had lost track of time after my impromptu hike back downtown again this afternoon so that I could pick up the few items I had forgotten during my walkabout with Jeremy. I’d enjoyed myself, and I sure wasn’t going to apologize to anyone for that.

  By the time I had paid for my purchases and walked all the way back down the highway to my house to get ready for my shift, I was well on my way to being late, but had taken the time to do my hair and make-up anyway. After all the time I had spent putting curls into my hair and doing my make-up, I was sure that running all the way here had caused my hair to frizz and my mascara to run. I sighed at the thought that my extra efforts to look good may have been in vain.

  The door closed behind me and I turned to look toward the wooden bar expecting to see, well, more people than were present. There were only a handful of patrons sipping their drinks at the bar and a few tables on the outskirts of the dance floor were occupied by couples or small groups. No one was dancing. Ryan was the only one behind the bar, polishing a few wine glasses and beer mugs.

  “Where is everyone?” I asked him as I made my way around the back of the bar, greeting the few patrons who watched me with muted interest. I bent down to shove my purse and jacket onto the bottom shelf under the bar and then stood up to meet Ryan’s gaze. He was giving me one of those genuine looks, the kind that was truly impossible to fake. That was how I knew he was truly happy enough to see me.