“That whole neighborhood freaked me out. It’s too perfect. If that’s what it takes to make it in this world, I’d rather not.” The sheer willingness of Lizzie’s mom to adapt to such terrible living conditions sickens me. The neighbors obviously knew what was going on, but no one reached out to help her before it was too late. She couldn’t escape for herself or her daughter and she paid the ultimate price.
“Conformity is comfortable. It doesn’t cause waves or force you to stick out. When it comes to survival, sometimes it’s all about fitting in.” He’s actually talking about this like a rational human being. I have to say I’m impressed.
“But was it worth it? She lost her life and he obviously moved on to the daughter. She should’ve taken that kid and got the hell out of there.” I’m not one to judge people, but this tragedy didn’t have to happen.
“Maybe she didn’t have anywhere to go. When you’re faced with fleeing your home with no money and a crazy husband hunting you down, the decision’s not that easy.” His reasoning is sound, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.
“But I bet if you gave her a second chance to do things over, she wouldn’t hesitate to leave him. Nobody ever thinks things will get that bad until they do.” And as soon as the words are out of my mouth, I know I’ve said too much.
“Sounds like you’re talking from experience.” His tone is considerate. He’s not prying for information, but it’s not a conversation I ever thought I’d be having with him. If he really wants to go there I might as well let him have it.
“Yeah, my dad abused my mom when I was little. She put up with it for a long time until he hit my brother. That’s all it took to open her eyes. So we moved into my grandmother’s house.” The trauma of the day is taking its toll. My barriers are down. I’m opening up to him, and it feels so free and easy. Like I want to tell him more about me.
“Did he come after you?” I can’t see his face as the moon passes behind a cloud, but it’s easier this way.
“Yeah, multiple times. But my mom got a restraining order and installed a security system. Whenever he came around, she called the cops.” It’s hard thinking back on those days. My brother and I cowering under the bed, afraid that he was going to break in…my mother screaming at him through the locked door. Pleading with him to leave us alone. Telling him that she was never going back to him.
“Did you ever have to see him again?” In profile, I see him clench his jaw anticipating my response.
“No. He didn’t want to have anything to do with my brother and me. He didn’t seek any formal custody arrangement probably because he never paid a dime of child support. My mom just wanted him out of her life. He left town and I have no idea where he is. He could be dead for all I know.” I never even told Jason half the stuff I’m telling Adam. But the events of the day are bringing it all back, forcing me to revisit my past. And it doesn’t hurt that Adam’s a good listener. Jason never bothered to ask me about my father. He probably didn’t want to open a can of worms he wasn’t able to deal with. But Adam doesn’t seem put off by it.
We’ve reached the parking lot, and Adam’s beat-up Dodge Neon is the only car remaining. “I’m sorry you had to go through that today. I really am.” My heart clenches at his sincerity, but now’s not the time to get emotional. He has at least a half hour ride ahead of him, and I still don’t think he’s in any condition to drive. But he’s not going to give in.
“Me too. I wish you didn’t have to get the shit beat out of you either.” I tap his leg with the toe of my shoe.
“Hop in. I’ll give you a ride back to the garage.” He unlocks the door and looks back at me over his shoulder.
“I think I’ll walk.” There’s something about getting in his car that will be the undoing of me. Silly, I know. Especially since I sit next to him for hours at a time in the ambulance. But this just feels different. Like a line we’re not ready to cross.
“Are you sure?” He’s puzzled, and no wonder. I just spilled my guts to him, but I won’t accept a lift. He’s wondering why I’m pulling back. Why now?
“Yeah, I need to clear my head. And like you said, it is a starry night. What better way to unwind?” I step away from the car and head back the way we came.
“All right. See you tomorrow?” he yells to me, but I don’t turn around. I’m too weak. I’ll give in.
“Yeah, if you’re up to it.” How we’re going to lift a stretcher with his bruised ribs, I have no idea.
“Oh, I am.” And for some reason, I think he’s talking about more than just the job.
Chapter Eleven
Adam
My hand tingles as icy fingers wrap around my wrist. Her red hair is streaming across her face as she stares straight ahead. In profile, she looks strong, whole even. She’s standing at attention with the wind whipping through her unfastened coat. But she doesn’t feel the cold. She’s fixated on the scene in front of us.
We’re at the far corner of the parking lot, holding hands and watching phantom images of ourselves carry on the pantomime of the car accident. Both of us are playing our roles. Katie is stricken in my arms, her forehead pressed against mine. She’s leaving me yet again. But I don’t give in to the despair because her thumb is tracing circles against my palm.
When the body bag emerges, I want to look away, but she refuses to loosen her hold on me. We observe the entire procedure as her slight frame is swallowed by the vinyl-encapsulated darkness. Overcome with conflicting emotions, my nails dig into the smoothness of her porcelain skin, yet she doesn’t utter a cry. Instead, she turns to look at me. It’s now or never.
“What do you want?” The words tumble from my lips as I start to get lost in her hypnotic gaze. I’m starting to forget my name…where I am…everything that matters. I have to hold on. I have to get her to answer me. “Please, tell me.”
She smiles at me, standing on her toes to tuck my hair behind my ears. The chill of her touch seeps into my bones as her milky white hands run down my chest. She’s caressing me, torturing me. But she doesn’t speak.
“I’m begging you…” I make a last ditch effort to get her to communicate with me as she takes a step back. I fight to maintain some semblance of purpose. She’s making it so easy to lose focus.
Her reluctance causes a shift in the atmosphere, and suddenly it’s like we’re inside a giant snow globe as the winter storm pelts us from all sides. She’s retreating into the whiteness as I’m temporarily blinded by the onslaught. I can’t let her escape.
“Katie!” I scream at the top of my lungs, and even though she’s invisible to me, her voice enters my mind. She’s humming what sounds like a lullaby. It makes my eyelids feel heavy, and all I yearn to do is drift back to sleep. Resisting with all of my might, I call out, “Tell me!”
Her face is suddenly directly in front of mine—her hair sprawled out in every direction. Fear overwhelms me as she examines me like I’m her prey. Then she’s grinning like she’s amused by my reaction.
Her frosty breath coats my eyelashes as I grasp her shoulders, pinning her against my body. Her expression becomes sorrowful, and I’m afraid that I’m hurting her. But before I have a chance to change my mind, she whispers one plaintive command.
“Love.”
***
I wake up five minutes before my alarm. Despite the burning pain in my ribs, I finally slept through the night. I don’t know if the painkillers knocked me out or if it has to do with my breakthrough with Katie. Either way, I feel rejuvenated.
It seems I didn’t move a muscle since I placed my head on the pillow. I’m securely tucked under the blanket, and the sheets aren’t a rumpled mess at the bottom of the bed. Sliding to the edge, the cold air hits me, and I curl my left arm around the bandage extending halfway up my chest. I ponder the meaning of Katie’s message. Who does she want me to love?
The alarm on my phone goes off, and I hit it, noticing I have a text message from Jada that was sent nearly two hours ago. Man, what time does that g
irl get up in the morning?
WE HAVE 2 WEEKS OFF UNTIL YOUR RIBS HEAL. WANNA HELP ME STUDY INSTEAD?
Not really, but it beats the alternative of moping around by myself without anything else to do.
I GUESS. I HAVE CLASS TODAY. MEET U AT THE LIBRARY?
Immediately, her response pings my phone.
AROUND 2?
Jada missed her calling. With her efficiency, she should be in the military, not having her ass hauled around by me in some ambulance. I really want to tell her about my dream, but not by text. Trying to play it cool, I shoot back a one-word response.
YEAH.
I wonder what she could possibly need my assistance for. She probably aces every class she takes. I’m good in the field, but hitting the books isn’t my strong suit. Especially when it comes to somebody else. But she’s probably still freaking out after yesterday, and I am her partner. I need to show her some form of support. It actually makes me feel better knowing I can be there for somebody else instead of being so caught up in my problems. Maybe Katie’s message is rubbing off on me after all. Even if I don’t ‘love’ Jada like that, I still care about her. So far, she has turned out to be a pretty good friend to me—at a point in my life when I sure as hell didn’t deserve one.
***
I get there early and save a table. Easing into the hard wooden chair, I toss my backpack at my feet. A lot of students are on the computers, no doubt checking email and surfing the net rather than doing any research. I don’t usually spend a lot of time in here. When I have to hit the books, my kitchen turns into my study area. My mind is already wandering, watching everybody milling about. I’d never be able to concentrate with so much going on around me. But then it takes me longer than most anyway. I’m not exactly at the top of my class.
Jada breezes in and I’m struck by how she carries herself. She’s pretty petite, but her posture makes her appear much taller. She walks with purpose. There’s nothing hurried or frazzled about her. She’s unflappable. Even yesterday, when I was getting the crap beat out of me, she was levelheaded enough to stay calm and fend off our attacker. She didn’t hide in the house and lock the door. No, she came to my defense when I needed her the most. Again, a twinge of embarrassment runs through me. How could I even think about blowing her off when she practically saved my life? Yeah, I need to reexamine my priorities a little bit. My selfishness needs to be held in check.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” As she gets closer to the table, her concern is apparent. I’m hunched forward, leaning on my elbows, trying to shift the pressure off my ribs. I didn’t take another painkiller this morning because I wanted my head to be clear for our study session.
“As well as can be expected, I guess. What about you?” I watch as she removes her jacket and drapes it over an adjacent chair.
“My roommate and I had a couple glasses of wine before I was able to fall asleep. The cops called late last night and asked me a few more questions. They don’t like that I disturbed the crime scene when I picked up the gun. But they didn’t see how that maniac was acting, and at least the eyewitness accounts from the neighbors are backing up my story.” She smoothes a stray hair into place while methodically lining up her worksheets in front of her textbook. She wants to appear like she’s in control, but I can tell there’s a lot going on under the surface.
“They can’t possibly be giving you a hard time about this. I mean, c’mon, it was self-defense.” I’m agitated that they’re even questioning her. “Do you want me to call them and set them straight?”
“No. Don’t do that, Adam. It’s fine, really.” Her hand grips my arm and she levels me with her gaze. “I’ll deal with it. It’s not like I’m covering up anything. I’m telling them the truth.”
“Well, it turns out that asshole works in the mayor’s office, so that might have something to do with it.” I don’t want to make her nervous, but small town politics always have some role to play when it comes to a high profile murder investigation. “The cops are being extra careful that everything adds up.”
“You don’t think they’re going to try to pin this on me, do you?” There’s a slight tremor in her voice. But where most girls would be breaking down in tears, Jada’s as solid as a rock.
“They’d be crazy to even think about it. Plus I’m sure Lizzy saw a lot. She’s just a little kid, but she was there.” I pat her hand and she gives me a tight smile. I really wish she didn’t have to deal with this. She was just doing her job, and everything went haywire.
“Thanks, Adam. I really needed to hear that, especially from you.” She withdraws her hand and begins opening her notebook. For a moment, I miss the warmth of her touch. But I return to the task at hand as she shoves a stack of flashcards in front of me.
“What’s all this?” I have to laugh. This girl is so prepared. It’s scary. What the hell does she need me for?
“It’s medical terminology I have to know for tomorrow’s exam.” She’s all business now. Chat time is over. “You say the word and I’ll give you the definition.”
We go on like that for the next hour or so. She doesn’t miss a beat. Her recall is amazing. I’m impressed. I took this class last year and forgot some of the material. So helping Jada isn’t a waste of time. It’s serving as a good refresher for me.
“Last one. Name the two dorsal cavities.” I don’t even look up. I keep my eyes fixed on the card. She’s got this.
“Cranial and spinal.” She’s watching me expectantly. The word spinal is in parentheses. It’s the correct answer, but there’s an alternate term.
Deciding to push her, I press forward. “Spinal or…?”
She rolls her eyes. “Vertebral.”
“You are good, mama. No doubt about it. How did you ever get stuck with me?” Shaking my head, I can’t quite fathom my luck at being assigned to her.
“Adam, are you kidding? Everyone around here knows how good you are in the field. Yeah, I’m book smart, but I have a long way to go before I can catch up to your experience level.” Retrieving her cards, she starts to pack up. But I don’t want to let her go, not yet.
“I’ve just been doing it for so long, that’s all. It’s like second nature. You’ll get there.” Her notes are so orderly. There’s not a doodle or even a scribble anywhere to be found. I can’t help asking, “How’d you get to be such a good student?”
“Well, my mom always wanted the best for me. So I was enrolled in a private high school. Everyone got a lot of one-on-one attention from the teachers since the class sizes were so small. But it also made the competition pretty intense, and I don’t like to lose.” Her jaw is rigid, as if these memories are painful for her to remember.
“So why didn’t you go to a four-year college? You must’ve been offered a slew of scholarships.” It’s not the first time I wondered about her career choice.
“For years, I was around a lot of white people and made to feel like an outsider. It was like being in a bubble. Everyone was living this sheltered life, but I was the only one who seemed to realize it. It wasn’t the real world. I was taught to believe that I was something special. But when I came out of it, I realized that I’m really at the bottom. It was a lot of false hopes and promises.” She exhales loudly. It’s strange to hear her sound so defeated.
“What are all your classmates doing now?” She keeps comparing herself to them like she’s not good enough. And I don’t like it.
“One is studying to be a doctor. Another entered West Point. Then there’s one going for an architectural degree. Shall I go on?” She’s bitter. Acting like they’re so much better when she can be doing the same exact thing if she wanted to. So why isn’t she?
“There has to be more to it than what you’re telling me. You’re on an equal level with them. Why aren’t you doing something spectacular with your life?” I don’t mean to hurt her, but maybe she needs someone to set her straight.
“Funny, I thought I was.” She gathers up her belongings and storms off in a huff.
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“Jada, wait,” I call to her, but she doesn’t respond. Damn it. I hit my fist against the table, and those around me turn to stare. Things were going so well. Leave it to me to screw things up with her…again.
Chapter Twelve
Jada
I don’t think I’ll ever have everything going for me at the same time. If my grades are up, then so is my weight. If my skin is blemish-free, then my hair is a funky shade of red. If the guy I like actually starts taking an interest in me, then he has to take things too far. Why does life have to be so contradictory? How come I can never have it all instead of in bits and pieces?
Adam is almost at the end of his recovery period. We go back to work on Tuesday, but I haven’t really spoken to him since our blow-up in the library. I passed my test, and I sent him a text thanking him for his help. He responded with a smiley face. That’s it. He’s still pissed at me for shutting him out, but he was unknowingly circling a topic I don’t want to talk about—what made me want to be a paramedic.
Sitting on a metal bench, I observe a van pulling a trailer filled with brightly colored kayaks and canoes. The sun is strong, and I shield my eyes against the glare. It’s Memorial Day weekend and the outdoor adventure center is bustling with activity. On the spur of the moment, I hopped in my car and drove forty-five minutes to the banks of the Delaware River. A Saturday alone on the water is just what I need to clear my head.
A group of boys no older than ten run excitedly across the parking lot with two fathers trailing behind them. They pay for their excursion and join me on the bench. Looks like we’re heading up river together. From their boisterous chatter, I make out that they’re a bunch of Boy Scouts. I don’t say much, and for the most part they ignore my presence. That’s okay. I have a lot on my mind. At least they’re a welcome distraction.
Come What May (Heartbeat) Page 6