“Just relax,” Tater said, adjusting her. “You feel better than my pack, trust me.” All the guys chuckled.
We started forward again. Eventually Remy relaxed a little and lay her head down on her upper arm, near Tater’s ear. Her eyes fluttered every now and then, and her cheeks were flushed from the fever.
I kept my head down to watch for rocks. Matt led the way with his compass. The guys seemed to naturally take on a formation, one in front, then two, three, and then Rylen, me, and Tater in the rear. We left footprints in the reddish brown dirt, which were blown away in swirls of occasional wind, unearthing cracks in the soil. Small cacti and brittle plants shivered when gusts hit them. The layered mountains in the distance taunted us by never getting nearer.
After a while Tater whispered, “Psst.”
When I looked over he was hunched slightly forward and Remy was dead asleep, looking like she was going to slide off him. Oh, my heart.
“Rem.” I squeezed her arm and she jumped, eyes bleary. It only took a second for her to cry out and wrap her arms back around him, hoisting herself up. Tater stood straighter, and with a nod, he kept marching.
Just when I seriously wanted to beg the guys to stop, Texas Harry, smack in the middle, let out a beautiful string of melodic words that flooded me with childhood memories; he was calling out a military cadence. The sound lit a candle inside of me that grew, warm and bright.
This one was to the tune of “Old King Cole was a Merry Old Soul.” I recognized it from car trips we used to take. Dad would chant to us while he drove, and we would call the lines back to him. This particular cadence worked like the Twelve Days of Christmas, working its way up the Army ranks with each stanza, and adding to it until it was complete.
Tex’s voice rang out in perfect tune, and we called it back to him, marching to the beat. With every word, I was covered in nostalgia. A contented look was on Remy’s face as she listened.
Old King Cole was a merry old soul a merry old soul was he, uh-huh . . .
He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl and he called for his Generals three, uh-huh . . .
Somebody start a war, said the Generals . . .
Somebody shine my boots, said the Colonels . . .
Somebody drive my Jeep, said the Majors . . .
I wanna take that hill, said the Captains . . .
What do I do next, said the Looies . . .
Push, push, push, said the Drill Sergeants . . .
Left right left, said the Sergeants . . .
I want a three day pass, said the Corporals . . .
Beer, beer, beer said the Privates . . .
Merry men are we. . . .
But none so fair that they can’t compare to the Airborne Infantry, uh-huh!
For a second after the cadence ended, I imagined my daddy laughing, proud. And when I looked up, the sky had darkened, and it was just us walking in the winter desert again. No more smiles. No laughing memories.
On a happy note, a big chunk of time had passed during the cadence. No wonder they did those cadences.
“I can walk now,” Remy said.
“Actually,” Texas Harry said, turning and peering around. “We should probably stop and find a place to hunker down before it’s pitch black out.”
All of our eyes went to the small cropping of short trees fifty feet away. They could help block the wind. Not much, but it was better than nothing. Remy climbed down from Tater’s back and insisted on taking her bookbag back from me for the remaining fifty feet.
The lower the sun dropped the colder it got. My face hurt and my hands were stiff. I helped Tater and Ry pop our tent. Three tents all together. Sean’s was a one person tent, so he was bundling up in there with his thermal sleeping bag. We had him put his right up against ours. The other two were four person tents, but we were putting five people in each.
“I am going to pass the hell out,” Matt said through chattering teeth.
“Let’s ration the food first,” I said.
We opened all of the snacks they’d procured today, and we each ended up with two handfuls. We passed around the Gatorade until it was gone, and we each got half a bottle of water.
Remy and I moaned at the same time when we bit into the pizza-pretzel Combos.
The sound was like a beacon to the men, because every single one of them swung their hungry gazes to us. Even Ry was looking at me, eyebrow raised. Remy and I froze, mid-chew.
“That good, ladies?” Texas Harry asked.
I almost choked and Remy gave a small nod. Note to self: no more moaning in front of these guys. We munched silently until the snacks were gone.
“I’ll take first watch,” Sean said.
“No more than two hours, Lieutenant,” Texas Harry told him. “Then get me up.”
“I’ll go after you,” Tater told them.
We piled into the tent, and Devon came in with us. It was a tight fit, but the body heat was a necessity. Rylen went to the side, and I immediately followed, guilt be damned. Tater was next to me, then Remy and Devon on the other end. I made Remy take one more dose of meds.
Despite the small bit of sustenance, my body was suddenly as weak as pudding. Climbing into the sleeping bag felt so, so good. I had to bite back another moan of ecstasy at the warmth and the opportunity to relax my muscles.
“Aw, hell yeah,” Devon said, sliding down.
There was no chatter that night. Complete silence was almost immediately followed by sounds of deep breathing and light snoring. Once it sounded like everyone was asleep, I let my muscles relax.
I wish I could say it was a restful night, but I woke with a scream in my throat sometime in the darkness of night.
“Mom!” I sat straight up, my face damp, my heart racing, Mom’s anguished face calling my name as she reached for me through the fence of the encampment. I reached next to me for my brother, but he was gone.
“Tater!”
“He’s on watch.” Rylen’s arms were around me, his low voice murmuring soothing words. He pulled me back down and I faced his chest, curling into him until my heart slowed enough to sleep again. But I woke again soon after to give Remy another dose when she was shivering hard enough to wake Devon.
It took longer to fall back asleep that time because all I could think was Remy’s getting worse. And even with all my medical knowledge, I couldn’t help her. Rylen held me tighter, as if he knew the horrible scenarios running through my head, as if he could rub them away with his strong hand on my back.
Eventually I did fall asleep again, only to be woken once more by a horrible, loud thwapping sound overhead. This time, all five of us sat up in a rustle of sleeping bags.
“Chopper!” Rylen whispered.
He ripped open the tent’s zipper and we all clamored out into the frozen air, along with the other six guys. I had to squint at everyone’s silhouettes. Most of the night’s stars were covered over with gray clouds, but our eyes followed the low lights moving across the horizon.
“Apaches,” Tater said, pointing the direction the helicopters had gone.
“Did they see us?” Remy asked.
“I don’t think so,” Tater said. “They were pretty far off and they never shined the lights over here.” Our camp was completely dark.
Matt pulled out his compass. “They’re going southwest in the direction we came from.”
“Nevada,” New York Josh said. “I think they’re using Nellis as a base.” The Air Force base near Area 51. A chill went up my spine that had nothing to do with the freezing air. Of all the bigger, better bases in America, why Nellis?
“Let’s try to get a couple more hours of sleep,” Texas Harry said. He glanced again to where the choppers went. “If we can.”
“I’ll take watch,” Devon said. “I’m wide awake now.”
The other four of us climbed back in the tent. Sleep came slower this time, but I think I got another hour of rest before dawn broke. I lay there in a puddle of despair as a soft light filled the
tent. My body was mush. Remy and Tater were still hard asleep, but Rylen shifted next to me. I rolled over and we faced each other. I let his expression of tender concern cover my gloom and fill every crack inside me. He had a way of speaking to me with those eyes, asking questions and comforting me simultaneously. He knew I was weary. He knew I was worried about Remy. He was telling me to keep strong.
I reached up for his hand on my shoulder, and took his fingers in mine again. Our fingers curled around one another’s in a way that made me think of arms and legs, reaching, winding, pulling, needing. Our palms touched, and I swear his breathing hitched at the same time as mine. His thumb trailed slowly up and down my own. When he looked at me now, I couldn’t read a single thing in his expression. I just knew I wanted to kiss him.
I closed my eyes against a wash of emotion.
Remy let out a small whimper, and Tater sat up behind me. I let go of Ry, turning to sit up and look down at Remy’s curled body. I felt her and she was hot, her hair matted to her head.
“Hurts,” she whispered. I pulled up the sleeping bag and looked in. She was holding her lower abdomen. My heart gave a pound of fear.
“We need to get her there as quickly as we can,” I said.
Tater’s face was pinched. “Then let’s go.”
My head was dizzy, and my limbs didn’t want to cooperate in a timely manner. We packed up and stared around at one another like a pack of ravenous wolves. Remy leaned against Tater, and he put an arm around her.
Hunger clawed at my abdomen, throbbing upward with a shooting pain under my ribs and into my esophagus. I’d never known true hunger. True hunger wasn’t discomfort. It was pain. And we weren’t technically starving yet.
I forced those thoughts aside, because I couldn’t afford to panic.
“Listen up,” Texas Harry said. “We’ve got about eighteen miles to go. As y’all can tell, it’s cold as a witch’s tit. We got some water, thank the good Lord, but no more food. Remy’s sick, so we need to get her there ASAP and hope like hell this place is legit and they got meds. Basically, today is gonna blow balls. Mind over matter. We gotta push through.”
A chorus of “Hooah”s sounded.
“We can do it, guys,” Matt said brightly.
New York Josh leveled him with a glare. “You want some pom-poms to go with that cheer?”
Mark snorted, but Matt just shrugged it off. Texas Harry twirled his finger in the air and pointed northward. We were off.
Only hours into the day I could already say it was the most difficult day of my life. I wanted to give up almost every minute. I have no idea how I pushed past the hunger pains and jelly legs in those first few hours, the absence of energy, the needling stitches in my sides, the numbness in my face, ears, fingers, and toes, the pain shooting up my feet into my legs. One foot in front of the other, over and over and over again, and Rylen’s voice in my ear.
Water breaks became the nectar of life. Each word of the cadences were electric shocks that forced my legs to shuffle forward. Hundreds of cadences—some with lyrics that would’ve made me blush had I been in my right mind. We chanted until we were hoarse.
I used to wear those old blue jeans . . .
Now I’m wearing cammie greens . . .
But it won’t be long . . .
Till I get on back home . . .
I used to eat at Micky Ds . . .
Now I’m eating MREs . . .
But it won’t be long . . .
Till I get on back home . . .
I used to date a beauty queen . . .
Now I love my M16 . . .
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh . . .
Whoa-oha-oha-oh.
The guys offered to take turns carrying Remy since she became dead weight at the height of her fever when she could barely hold on, but Tater insisted he had her. His face was crusted with a layer of dry dust. Everyone’s was. My lips cracked, and I didn’t have enough saliva to wet them.
I knew we were going too slow. The guys spoke low on breaks, but I heard. We wouldn’t make it today at this pace.
And then, hell of all hells, it began to snow. I didn’t even notice until Remy gasped and weakly held out her gloved hand. I stopped in my tracks and peered up at the blinding, colorless sky. It was like tiny, peaceful little angels fluttering down on us. We didn’t get snow in the Vegas area unless we went way up in the mountains. I’d only seen snow as a young child in North Carolina, and it never lasted long. It was so pretty. I wanted to lay on the ground and watch it fall. Watch it cover me.
How long had we been marching? Long enough for me to lay down, right?
“C’mon, Pepper,” Rylen gently urged. “We can’t stop.” He had to tug me forward to get my stiff legs moving again. Pain sang through my limbs.
“Ow . . .” I sucked in a harsh breath. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. I felt wooden. I shouldn’t have stopped.
“I know, baby, come on.” Rylen took my hand and pulled me forward until my frozen feet took up the rhythm of the pack.
He’d called me baby. Even though he obviously wasn’t in his right mind, it made my heart flutter. We were all delirious.
Then it really began to snow.
Texas Harry let out a harsh, humorless laugh up ahead and held his gloved middle finger up to the sky. “Fuck you, too, Mother Nature!”
We all peered around, our faces scrunched in similar disdain at the changing landscape. Everything was turning white.
“Keep marching!” Devon called out. We picked up our pace.
Before long the snow was deep enough to feel like weird crunching underfoot. Then I started kicking it in poofs as I walked, which slowed me down. Good Lord, it was like three inches deep already. Panic clutched my chest.
“Just raise your knees, Pep,” Ry said. “Lift your feet a little higher.”
I did as he said, but my muscles were like nope. I’d been lucky to shuffle myself along this far, as it was. I miraculously kept going. And going.
“Shit,” I heard Tater mutter, and looked over to see him barely catching Remy, who cried out as she slid. She was covered in a thick layer of snow where she must have fallen asleep again. Both of them collapsed, breathing hard. Remy’s face . . . oh, no.
“She shouldn’t be out here in the snow,” I whispered. The whole crew had stopped, and for a moment we stood in a circle around them, all of us stricken by the sight of the growing snow and our complete lack of energy.
“Just a little farther,” Mark finally said. “I see a valley between two rocky hills up ahead, and there are trees. We can camp there.”
“Dude, we can’t camp yet,” Tater said, pushing to his feet. “It’s hours until night.” He bent and pulled Remy to her feet. She leaned against him, tremoring.
“Maybe a longer rest is what we need,” Matt said.
“What we need is to fucking get there!”
Rylen put a hand on Tater’s shoulder, but he pulled away, saying, “Come on. Help her back up.”
“I can’t,” Remy said weakly. “I c-can’t hold on.”
Tater’s face was a mask of brutal frustration and distress. “You have to, Rem. Come on.”
Wind began to whip the snow sideways, throwing it at us in heaping scoops. I couldn’t feel my feet anymore. Rylen helped Remy onto Tater’s back and he held her legs tightly, leaning forward and grunting with the effort to tramp through the thickening snow.
I kept my head down to shield my face as we made our way farther into the blizzard. What would happen if it didn’t stop anytime soon? How deep would it get? I could barely lift my legs. What if a foot or more of snow came down?
Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic.
“Holy shit.” Mark’s voice made us all stop and look up. He was peering ahead through his binoculars. I squinted at the dark splotch between hills as he spoke low. “There’s a cabin in those trees.”
Excitement sprang to life inside of me, followed quickly by fright. What if someone was there? Someone unfriendly, or DRI?
>
“Guns out, y’all,” Tex said. “That cabin’s ours tonight. Let’s get Remy some shelter.”
Yes. I stuck my socked hands to the front waist of my jeans where I’d tucked Grandma’s pistol. As one, we moved ahead cautiously. I watched the guys ahead and took their hand signals about when to move to the side, when to crouch. Soon, we were in a patch of trees, looking at the cabin, which appeared deserted. My heart pounded as Tex and Devon skirted closer, then split off to go around the building and meet in the back. I blinked against the falling chunks of snow. The guys came back minutes later, both grinning.
“Empty, from what we can see through the windows. But keep your guns out. Let’s check the door.”
We moved quietly, all crouched, even Remy, who was breathing hard and shaking uncontrollably. All ten of us lined against the front of the log building while Tex stood beside the door, gun at his shoulder, and knocked. My heart pounded. He tried the door. Locked.
Then he shot the wood beside the doorknob and kicked it.
Remy and I both jumped as the noise echoed through the valley. Tex moved in sideways, gun out.
“This room’s clear,” he called.
One-by-one we filed in. I didn’t realize how biting the wind was until we were suddenly out of it. The room felt super warm. Tex flipped a light switch, but nothing came on. No power.
A single, plaid couch was against the wall. Tater led Remy to it, and lay her down as the others checked the bathroom and one bedroom.
“Blankets,” Sean said, looking through a small closet next to the kitchenette area. He tossed one to Tater, who opened it and lay it over Remy’s curled form. Her chattering teeth could be heard across the room.
“No food.” Matt scoured the empty pantry. It looked like it only had paper plates, napkins, and toothpicks scattering the shelves.
I shoved my gun back into my waist and took the socks off my hands, going to the sink. My hands were frozen and stiff as I tried the faucet. No water. But the two-burner stove was gas. I tried the knob, which clicked, and then flamed.
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