That night, Toby rode to Olympia more slowly than usual. He knew that Alyssa would be up no matter what time he got there, and he wanted to have time to think between the times that the bus tubs at Harbor Lights were coming at him and the time that he next saw Alyssa. He pictured her on the couch with the book. He liked the picture.
When he arrived at the Boylans, Toby’s image of the scene was only half right. Alyssa was there, but without a book. She was waiting patiently for Toby to arrive. Toby smiled at her and sat down on the opposite end of the couch from where Alyssa perched.
“How was your night at work?” she asked.
“Not great. I dropped three plates. I think James was ready to send me home after the third one.”
Toby knew that Alyssa had worked that night as well. “How was yours?”
Alyssa shook her head ruefully. “Not great either. One of the students asked where the book ‘The Joy of Cooking’ was, and I sent her to ‘Fear of Flying.”
Toby only half heard what she said. He was noticing the way that her eyes danced in the reflected light of the fireplace. He found himself glad that he had gotten to know her when the weather was cold and a fire was needed. Somehow he doubted that she would look any worse, though, if the night was warm and summery.
Toby realized that Alyssa was still talking, or rather had stopped talking and was looking to him for an answer.
“Sorry,” he said. “I guess I was daydreaming.”
“I asked if you know when you’re going to be moving out.”
Toby brought his mind away from his mental picture of Alyssa in a sundress by the window and to the conversation at hand.
“A week or two, I think. Scott has taken possession of the restaurant. They are ripping part of it out to make it look more like a seafood place.
Alyssa nodded. She had been hoping that Toby was going to be staying for a little longer, but two weeks, three weeks, or four wasn’t going to change what she had to say.
“Toby I am just so proud of you. I could tell you a thousand times that I’m sorry that I didn’t believe in you but I hope that’s all in the past.”
Alyssa faltered a bit, and then continued, “I like you Toby. I like you a lot… I guess that’s what I wanted to say.”
Toby looked at Alyssa. He could see, even in the dim light of the living room that her lower lip was trembling a bit. He thought that her eyes were shining too, but that could have been the firelight. He couldn’t be sure.
“Alyssa, you don’t have to say you’re sorry about before. Ever again. I would probably have thought the same things about me if I wasn’t me, you know? I’m glad I came to this house. I’m glad I met you. I’m glad you’re my friend.”
Alyssa came to Toby and hugged him hard. Toby held her and they stood together in the living room for the longest time. When they finally broke apart Toby said, “I better go to bed.”
Alyssa nodded, “Me too.”
For the second night in two nights Toby tossed in his bed, unable to sleep. He threw the covers off, rolled from side to side and pulled the covers back up. He stared at the starlight sequin pattern on the ceiling, as reflected from a streetlight outside. He replayed the scene in the living room. He should have been very happy about the exchange with Alyssa, but he wasn’t.
The next night Toby and Scott worked together. It was Scott’s last night at Harbor Lights, as he was devoting full time to his new venture. He asked Toby what he thought of the name Mariner’s Cove for the seafood house that the two friends were going to operate. Toby threw out a couple of other ideas.
“What about “Crabs?” Toby said, using his hands to hold up an imaginary sign. Or “The Lagoon?”
Scott took off his apron and threw it at Toby. “Whaddya’ want, for us to go broke inna week? Nobody is going to want to eat at “Crabs.” Not even if they’re going to order “Crabs.” Scott punctuated the word crabs with the imaginary sign pose that Toby had used. “The Lagoon” is a little better but maybe you should stick to what you do best.” Scott paused for effect. “What was that again?”
Toby wadded up Scott’s apron and rifled it back to him. Just then James Drake put his head in the kitchen. Toby and Scott busily went back to work.
For all of the levity that Toby enjoyed with his friend Scott, he was still troubled by the conversation with Alyssa the night before. Truth told the girl made him a little bit tongue tied. She just seemed so…alive. Toby liked that about her but it made it hard for him to talk to her. Toby couldn’t begin to understand what it all meant but it made his stomach hurt.
That night Toby pedaled hard, all the way to the Boylans house. He thought that the rush of the air would clear his head. He pumped the bicycle with legs hardened to the task. He gulped air into his lungs and asked his body for more. Harder and harder he rode, trying to find the thoughts that seemed to elude him where Alyssa was concerned. He arrived at the Boylans house way before he normally got home. Exhausted, Toby staggered to the steps. Once inside, Alyssa met him at the door.
“Toby, did you get a ride, you’re early?” she said, before getting a good look at him. After she saw the sweat streaming down his face, she exclaimed, “Toby! Are you okay?”
Toby gulped for air and put his hands on his knees. Finally he looked up and into Alyssa’s worried face. Her eyebrows were scrunched together in the way that he had noticed they did when she was concerned.
“I’m fine, but we need to talk.”
Alyssa nodded silently and followed Toby into the living room. She sat at her usual end of the couch and waited for Toby to gather his thoughts and begin to speak. After taking a couple of deep cleansing breaths Toby spoke.
“Alyssa, last night you said that you liked me. I should have answered that. We talked about other things but I should have answered what you said. The truth is I like you. I like you so much...”
At that point Toby faltered. The rest of want he had to say was a risk but he couldn’t stop right now. He would forever wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t stopped.
“Alyssa, I’m falling in love with you.”
“There,” he thought. “Even if she laughs in my face or dismisses it with a joke, I said it.”
Laughing was the last thing on Alyssa Boylan’s mind. She was a little stunned at Toby’s frank admission. Sure, she thought about him when he wasn’t there and looked forward to him coming home. Sure she worried if he was late. Of course she was a little heartsick over him moving so far away and opening a restaurant with Scott. Certainly she had wondered what it would be like to be there waiting for him every night for the rest of their lives, sharing their joys and frustrations of their days at work, laughing together, loving togeth…
Alyssa’s eyed widened as the realization hit her like a freight train through downtown Olympia. Toby had said that he was falling in love with her.
“Oh Lord”, she thought “I love this man”.
Alyssa opened her mouth and then closed it without saying a word. She swallowed and then realized that she had to answer Toby. He was standing in front of her, waiting and looking miserable.
“I love you, too,” Alyssa said simply.
Toby and Alyssa stood up simultaneously. Without realizing that they had started toward each other they were in each other’s arms. Toby placed his right hand on Alyssa’s neck, raising her wavy blonde hair as he leaned down to kiss her for the very first time. Alyssa raised up on her toes a bit to meet his kiss and return it with evident enthusiasm. One kiss became two, which became ten. Toby and Alyssa drank in the moment of first love that has engulfed young lovers from time immemorial. Finally they stepped away, smiling at each other.
“Wow,” Toby said.
“Wow yourself,” Alyssa answered.
Toby’s eyes clouded over. “Now we really do need to talk,” he said. “Sit down.”
Alyssa sat down on the couch, with her knees touching Toby’s. Her head was still spinning a bit, and she tried to clear it so that she and Toby could hav
e the talk that would go a long way toward deciding their immediate futures. Toby took Alyssa’s hand and started the conversation.
“I just want to say ‘I love you’ over and over again. It’s what is on my mind and on my heart. But you know that I’m leaving. I have to leave! It kills me but I have to!”
Alyssa nodded. “I won’t ask you not to go. I want to, but I won’t. You have a chance to make a living and a life for yourself with Scott. Who knows, someday you may be able to have a restaurant of your own in Bellingham.”
Alyssa’s brave expression faltered as tears came to her eyes but she soldiered on. “And I have school here. I want to make a difference. I want to become a prosecutor and maybe even a judge. I want you to make a mark, but I want to as well. I always have!”
Toby wasn’t surprised that Alyssa answered this way. Part of him wanted her to say that she would drop everything and follow him wherever life’s road led, but he knew that was silly romantic nonsense. The two young people had just figured out that they were important to one another. It changed everything but, on the other hand, it really didn’t change anything at all. As she said, Alyssa had school and career plans in Olympia. Toby had a career opportunity two hours away. Tonight was destined to be a great and beautiful memory for Toby and Alyssa. Maybe they would have some fun in the days to come but the end story was still them being separated by miles of highway and divergent paths of life.
“I guess that’s it then” Toby said somewhat abruptly. “I love you and you love me but it’s not enough and it won’t be enough and it’s goodbye.”
Alyssa, who had looked radiant from the afterglow of Toby’s kisses just a few minutes earlier, now looked miserable. Toby felt awful as well, and tried to soften the words that he had just spoken.
“I don’t blame you, Alyssa. I just wish that it could all be different, but I haven’t got jack in Tacoma or Olympia. Except you, I mean. And your folks too, but I have to grow up sometime. I think this is sometime.”
Alyssa looked up at Toby and lifted his hand to kiss it. She noticed the rough skin around the cuticle area, and knew that it came from working so hard in the kitchen. Through her grief she was proud of him for being such a hard worker and for having this chance with Scott.
“You’re right,” she said. “This is the way that it has to be.”
“Good night, Alyssa. I lo…”
Alyssa touched Toby’s lips lightly with her index finger. “Don’t say it, Toby. Just don’t.”
7
The next time Toby had two days off he and Scott drove to Bellingham to look for a place to live. The three hour trip flew by as the two friends talked about their new venture. Scott had grandiose plans for the restaurant, now dubbed “Seafarer’s Cove.” Toby chimed in with some thoughts of his own. The two friends were brimming with confidence. Both knew that becoming a success in the restaurant world wasn’t going to be easy, but they felt like they were the team that could get it done.
Scott put a deposit down on a one bedroom apartment that included a small loft above the kitchen. He told the landlord that he would be back a week hence to get the keys and take possession of the apartment. Only when Toby watched his friend sign the papers for the apartment did the realization of what was happening truly come home. He was happy and excited, but troubled at the same time. He couldn’t get the picture of Alyssa nestled in his arms out of his head.
That evening, back in Olympia, Toby asked John if they could go for a walk together. Toby needed the counsel of his most trusted advisor. John picked up his favorite Meerschaum pipe and a bag of Borkum Riff tobacco, and then joined Toby on the sidewalk in the gloaming sunset. Neither man spoke for a few minutes, until Toby broke the silence.
“John, you know that Alyssa and I have spent a lot of time talking lately.”
John smiled, “Yes, son. You too have become quite close.”
“I know that we have just gotten to know each other but I am going to miss her when I leave. More than I thought, I mean.”
“She is going to miss you too. But I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that.”
“No I don’t. I mean I’m glad that you know it too, but she has told me what she is thinking.”
John chuckled a bit at that. “Yes, she’s quite good at telling people what she is thinking,” he said a bit wryly.
Toby laughed quietly. He knew that John was thinking about some of the conversations that Alyssa had dominated when Toby had first come into their lives. Much as he enjoyed talking about Alyssa’s fiery persona, though, Toby had a deeper purpose to this walk and talk.
“John, I remember what you taught me about God loving me more than I love myself. You said that he wants me to be happier than I want to be. If that’s so, why would He have brought Alyssa into my life and then given me this chance at a better life in Bellingham? Is God just jerking me around? I don’t get it.”
John took a long pull on his pipe before answering Toby. “Well, son, I can tell you one thing for sure. God isn’t jerking around with you as you say. He takes no pleasure in His children’s torment. As far as you and Alyssa go, I don’t have any grand answers. What I do know is that God brings people into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”
Toby looked quizzically at his older friend, who was puffing contentedly on his pipe. “What does that even mean, John?”
“Sometimes God brings someone into your life for a specific reason. Something is going on and you need exactly the expertise that a certain individual can offer. Maybe it’s a laugh. Maybe it’s some knowledge. Maybe it’s a socket set. Whatever it is, God brings this person into your life to satisfy that particular need in that moment in time.”
John relit the dying embers of his pipe. Toby waited for more.
“Sometimes God brings someone into your life for a season. They offer you something that fills a void in your life, and usually you do the same for them, for a period of time. The period may be five days in duration, six months in duration or several years in duration. But when that period of time is over you both move on. Life takes you in different directions.”
Toby looked at John with an expression of profound sadness. “Are you saying that Alyssa and I are for a season?”
John slowly shook his head. “I’m not saying that, son. I don’t know God’s plans for you and Alyssa, any more than I know them for DeeDee or myself.”
Toby lifted his hands and dropped them back in his lap in frustration. “So what do I do?” he said miserably.
“Toby I told you that I don’t know God’s plan. But there is something that I do know. I know God’s heart. Whatever happens between you and my daughter, God will comfort both of you. And know this, Alyssa is going to need at least as much comfort when you leave as you will. God promises that he will never leave you nor forsake you. He said that in Deuteronomy 31:6. It’s as true today as it was back then. But you didn’t let me finish.”
Toby nodded, “Go on.”
John emptied his pipe and began to refill it before finishing with what he had to say. “It’s rare and beautiful but sometimes God brings people together for a lifetime. These are the people that walk with you on life’s journey and never leave from the time that they show up for you. They are few and far between but they are companions, chosen by God, to accompany you on the path.”
“Do you think that Alyssa might be one of those?”
“I don’t know, Toby. There are many more reasons than seasons, and many more seasons than lifetimes. I know that it’s hard, but whatever category you and Alyssa are to each other you need to find a way to praise God for it. And you will. Maybe not today or tomorrow but you will. Both of you will.”
John and Toby walked back to the house in amiable compatibility. The older man hadn’t answered the question that Toby had raised, but somehow he had answered a more important question. Toby was learning that John was very good at that.
The days until it was time for Scott and Toby to head north flew by. Harbor
Lights hosted a little party for them two nights before their departure. It was held on the deck overlooking Commencement Bay. Toby was proud that John, DeeDee and Alyssa came to the gathering. There were hors d’oeuvres, and drinks along with a small band. Toby and Alyssa broke away from the larger group and were talking from a spot that looked across the bay to North Tacoma and the islands beyond.
Alyssa hooked her arm through Toby’s and spoke quietly. “I’ve cried all my tears and said all my prayers, Toby. I’m just going to miss you so much.”
Toby would have liked to have said that he had cried his tears as well, but their presence in his eyes at that moment belied that statement before he could say it. Instead he sighed and held her arm closer to his side.
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