by Lori Perkins
SINNAMON LOVE
Whose Shades of Grey?
PERHAPS I SHOULD be embarrassed that, as a sex educator, erotic writer, BDSM enthusiast, professional Dominatrix, and lifestyle S/switch, I had absolutely no desire to read Fifty Shades of Grey. But I am not embarrassed. I could have gone my entire life without reading it and been perfectly happy. In fact, with my reading focused on biography or sex education and research these days, I haven’t picked up a piece of fiction in ages. I was never one to read Harlequin romance novels anyway. My tastes in erotic literature were always decidedly more sophisticated. In fact, the one time I attempted to read a cheesy romance novel with Fabio on the cover, I was bored to tears and gave up. By contrast, classic erotica stimulated my thinking and allowed me to identify with the characters and experience physical satiation. I spent most of my teens exploring my sexuality through the works of Anaïs Nin, Henry Miller, Laura Antoniou, Anne Rice, and Pauline Réage. Later I discovered self-help material on sex and BDSM in the sexuality section of my local bookstore. Believe me, cheesy romances couldn’t hold a candle to these authors and books.
While my curiosity toward Fifty Shades of Grey was limited, each time I read or heard a sex industry professional or BDSM practitioner reference the book, there was little that encouraged me to read it. I finally downloaded the book on a flight from Australia to the States and tried to approach the book with an open mind. I tried not to brace for the worst.
I regret to say that this book was perhaps the most daunting literary undertaking of my life. Not because of the poor, middle school style of writing. Not because of its poor example of a BDSM relationship that will mislead “vanilla” people about what kinky people and their relationships are like. I found Fifty Shades daunting because of heroine Anastasia Steele. Perhaps in my spoiled, black feminist bravado I failed to find Steele’s weak-minded, overeager desire to please both her roommate and Christian Grey endearing. And her indecisiveness toward committing to Grey’s desire for a relationship directly contradicts her undeniable interest in Grey and the tears she sheds over him along the way. Ana “tops from the bottom,” and at the very worst she’s nothing more than a tease.
Yes, I know women with poor self-esteem and limited life experience can be easily impressed by wealth, beauty, and charisma, and Anastasia Steele seems to be one of those women. But she also lives as a paradox, both impressed and appalled by it. She allows her wealthy best friend to dress her in her clothes, but refuses Christian Grey’s desire to purchase some of the same for her because it would make her his “whore” or “mistress.” She allows her best friend to manipulate her into actions that ultimately benefit only the roommate (e.g., interviewing Grey), but refuses any direction from Grey that might advance her personal and professional life. She is strong enough to tell Christian that his gifts of a new laptop and car are “on loan,” but not strong enough to determine whether her gift of submission might be on loan as well.
Ana’s failure to identify Christian’s behavior as potentially dangerous (tracing her phone calls, acquiring both her home address and her mother’s address) concerns me as well. It reads as a poor example for young women readers by normalizing stalking behaviors.
Christian Grey’s stalker tendencies aside, I found Steele’s constant babbling about his looks and her astonishment over his interest in her tiresome. She cannot seem to grasp hold of her self-worth long enough to determine why someone like Grey would desire her. Steele is painfully shy, uncoordinated, often unprepared, and lacks direction in her life. She is weak, suggestible, and her innermost thoughts read like a young teenager, not like a young woman graduating from college.
Worse, she is completely disconnected from her sexuality and desire almost to the point of being asexual. Her lack of sexual partners and sexual experience certainly doesn’t qualify her as a partner for Grey; while Grey invites Steele down the rabbit hole without much guidance, I found Steele’s willingness to explore questionable, given her lack of expertise with sex overall.
But what bothered me most was Steele’s attempt to change Grey, to “bring him into the light” and out of the “darkness” of his sexual proclivities. It bothers me that Grey’s sexual interests are brushed off as the result of both a difficult childhood and sexual abuse at the hands of a trusted family friend. By following this route, author E. L. James creates a platform for Ana to treat Christian’s advances as a deviance. Ana never has the chance to use Christian’s proclivities as a vehicle for welcomed mutual exploration. Given Ana’s overall lack of experience and eagerness to please her new partner, I wonder why James made Steele a sexual prude when it comes to BDSM. If she was going to be so disagreeable about BDSM in general, why didn’t she maintain that stance during all of Grey’s queries?
I have met women who were willing to do whatever a man asked to make him happy, but when it comes to BDSM, you either get it or you don’t. I found it quite unbelievable that Steele would dream and fantasize about Christian tying her up and flogging her—to the point of nocturnal emission—but then wince at the idea in her waking hours. In demonizing Christian’s sexual desire, James makes him into a sexual predator and Anastasia Steele into his victim and a woman only trying to love an otherwise unlovable man.
I wish the book had taken a more open-minded approach toward BDSM and alternative sexual lifestyles. It paints its dominant practitioners as sexual deviants who prey on the weak and make victims of their submissives. Grey’s childhood and his introduction to BDSM do nothing more than to offend the many people who choose BDSM as a lifestyle and are not the product of victimization. For me, it was like hearing people say all gay people were molested instead of being born that way.
The author misses quite a few other points with me as well. I could no more believe Anastasia had never, as a twenty-one-year-old, masturbated in her life than I believed she’d graduate college without a personal email address. I found it disgusting that Grey would introduce the idea of BDSM with Steele in the form of a limited-term contractual relationship. As he went through his checklist of potential activities, I waited patiently to read Ana asking him to show her the types of instrumentation mentioned on the list or take her to play parties to watch them being used on others. I hoped he would introduce her to people in the BDSM community (and not women he had previously had sexual relationships with) so she could ask questions about the lifestyle. Christian’s inability to explain his penchant for BDSM was ridiculous—most people involved in a BDSM lifestyle can pinpoint why they have an inclination toward such play. They are usually insightful, articulate people.
I was disappointed that Grey never explains the differences between a submissive, a slave, and a bottom to Steele, and never gives her the opportunity to explore her sensual desire on her own terms.
What’s more, Grey’s lack of guidance in Ana’s research frustrated me. She needed to discover whether she’d prefer maintaining play in the bedroom or extend it to all aspects of her life (as he initially requested). I cringed when Christian told Ana to start with Wikipedia when the website’s not consistently reliable in its material. Especially when countless reliable sources do exist for the BDSM beginner.
Had James given careful thought and consideration into her book, she might have produced something truly helpful to curiosity seekers wanting to explore their Dominant and submissive fantasies. As it is, her book is a dangerous piece of fodder that has more potential to do harm than good. One can only hope that the film adaptation consults with people with real-world BDSM experience and sex-positive educators and discovers better ways to portray BDSM people and practices. Because one can then hope we’ll see a movie in which a young woman doesn’t sign away her life and become a sex slave to a wealthy man without the necessary life experience and careful negotiation.
SINNAMON LOVE is an adult film star, fetish model, professional Dominatrix, writer, radio personality, and single mom of three teenagers living in Brooklyn, New York. Since 1993, Love has appeared in over 250 hard-core movies and numerous m
en’s magazines, and has made countless appearances on Playboy TV and Playboy Radio. In 2010, Sinnamon went on a yearlong tour with the Punany Poets (of HBO’s Real Sex fame), a sex-positive erotic poetry and sex education theater show. She is a frequent guest on Shade 45 on SiriusXM radio.
Love is currently a staff writer and relationship columnist for TheWellVersed.com. She was inducted into the Urban X Awards’ Hall of Fame in 2010, followed by induction into the AVN Hall of Fame in 2011. She is an outspoken Autism/Asperger parent advocate and has recently taken on improving sex education in inner-city schools.
Love can be heard on DTFRadio.com every Thursday night from midnight to 2:00 A.M. on her radio show, Sex Love & Hip Hop. Sex Love & Hip Hop is a relationship advice show featuring good music, well-known and underground hip hop artists, sex educators, adult stars, and everyday people discussing real topics for the urban demographic.
CHRISMARKS AND LIA LETO
A BDSM Couple’s View
AS TWO PEOPLE who have individually and as a couple been involved with BDSM and D/s for many years, we find it encouraging that the Fifty Shades trilogy has become such a cultural phenomenon. E. L. James’ books seem to have created an expanding space wherein the general public can participate in an evolving conversation about creative sexual dynamics.
Ironically, we met on a popular “vanilla” dating website. We each hinted in our profiles about our dark predilections, which were often overlooked by our prospective matches. Our initial emails revealed that we each desired a partner who sought a relationship involving Dominance and submission. In contrast to the trilogy’s main characters, we brought to our relationship over twenty years of BDSM experiences between us.
Once we met it became evident that we shared incredible chemistry, and we soon fell in love. Three months later, I offered Lia my collar and we signed a contract acknowledging our devotion and commitment to our respective roles. For us, our relationship is an unfolding journey that nurtures our vanilla lives and allows us to explore our deepest passions and darkest desires.
About Chris: College educated and a professional in the marketing field for many years, I was aware of my interests in certain BDSM practices from a young age. Thinking that my interests were strange, I suppressed my desires for activities like spanking for most of my life, only trying out a little here and there. About fifteen years ago I became curious about flogging and bought my first flogger. Flogging is something that many readers of the trilogy have reacted to with horror, some even suggesting that it is abuse. I use leather suede floggers similar to the ones described in Fifty Shades of Grey to elicit a wide range of pleasurable sensations. I began attending classes in the BDSM community and learned how to use various toys and tools with care and skill. I now lead workshops to share what I have gleaned along the way with others seeking to explore this aspect of their natures.
About Lia: An overeducated alpha in the vanilla world, I identify as a bisexual Switch, meaning that I am as comfortable as a Dominant as I am as a submissive. Aware of this duality early in my life, I was as happy dominating others as I was fantasizing about being Wendy Darling, tied to Captain Hook’s mizzenmast, at the mercy of the pirates. For most of my adult life, I have been dominant in my personal relationships. Ten years ago, I realized that in order to create balance in my life I needed to explore the depths of my submissive self, so I began the search for my ideal, worthy Dominant. In Chris, I have found a partner of remarkable honesty and power. I am honored to be his submissive. We are creating our journey as a couple in love by exploring a power-sharing relationship and sharing what we learn with others.
Our intentions and experience stand in sharp contrast to the characters in Fifty Shades. The BDSM scenes in the trilogy are fairly brief and do not reflect the forethought and preparation that we and many others in the community practice. We thought it would be useful to elaborate on how one of our scenes comes together and share our individual perspectives as Dominant and submissive as we prepare for and play out a scene. Chris will discuss how he envisions and plans a scene, stages it, and moves through it. Lia will discuss how she prepares her body and mind for the physical and psychological rigors she experiences during a scene.
Contemplation and Preparation
Chris: Lia and I share a wonderful vanilla sex life although I often physically dominate her by grabbing her hair and being more controlling in our lovemaking. We have a very dynamic range of sexy and loving behaviors that we bring to our intimate moments.
However, there are times when I plan for a more elaborate BDSM scene. These times are extra special, and I dedicate more time and energy to thinking about what elements of BDSM I will bring to our next encounter. I may purchase something special to make that happen. One day Lia commented about chains making fun sounds, so a few weeks later I purchased some metal chains, some locks, and cuffs, which I use to secure her to a St. Andrew’s cross. As we previously negotiated our respective limits for play, Lia no longer has a say in what will happen to her. I have the control to make the scene follow my plan, and in this way I reinforce our Dominant and submissive roles.
Lia: From the moment I know that Chris and I will be having a scene together, a myriad of feelings and thoughts begin to swirl in me. On the practical side, there are certain rituals I practice in order to be fully prepared for whatever Chris may want to do with me. I ask him how he would like me to dress and then choose my attire carefully. For some scenes he insists that I am naked, which arouses me and sets my nerves on edge. Sometimes he suggests a color scheme for my lingerie. Often he gives me permission to surprise him, which I love to do.
I consider the preparation of my body a crucial way to express my devotion and love for Chris. An hour or so before our scene, I undertake my ritual cleansing, shaving, and oiling. It is then, in the intimacy of the shower, that I feel all my senses rising in anticipation of what is to come. I take care to not let my hands linger on my tender parts, for they are for Chris’ pleasure, and I know that they will undoubtedly receive intense attention during our scene. I dress with deliberateness. My pulse quickens ever so slightly as I put on my makeup and signature scent. Before I present myself to Chris, I check myself carefully in the mirror from all angles. Throughout my preparation I smile expectantly, wondering how Chris will test my limits and what new sensations I’ll be experiencing at his hands.
Our Scene
Chris: One of our favorite scenes begins with my tying or chaining Lia to a St. Andrew’s cross in preparation for a flogging. It may begin with her wearing some clothing, but frequently I will tell her to strip. Sometimes I will undress her. I use the former strategy to build tension and uncertainty, which of course also builds Lia’s excitement. If my goal is to increase our romantic connection, I will undress Lia myself while gazing at her and caressing her body.
Once Lia is secured facing the cross, I check to see that she is relatively comfortable and, most of all, safe, making sure she does not have any restrictions that could end the scene prematurely. It will be my intention to hurt her but not to harm her. When I am feeling more romantic, I may begin with some kisses to her shoulders, whispering tender words, or sensuously caressing and teasing her. If I have begun the scene in a more brutish manner, I may be rough with Lia but will give her one or two loving touches to reassure her that I am caring for her.
I begin Lia’s flogging by draping my matched set of floggers over her shoulders and letting the tips rest on her breasts. I watch as she leans her face into the leather to inhale their sweet, musky scent. I drag the floggers slowly toward me and trail them down her back. I caress her body softly several times with each flogger. This warm introduction often brings goose bumps to Lia’s skin and even the occasional shudder. The sensuous dance of leather on skin begins. Starting slowly, I bring the floggers down on her body. I am focused on two things: where I land each blow and how she reacts to the impact. I watch to see if she flinches or tenses, stretches into the sensations or shies away from them. I can vary t
he blows, the timing between them, and the locations, changing the quality of the impacts by increasing the intensity, the rhythm, and the duration with which the floggers land on her skin. I render sharp stings by grazing Lia’s body with just the tips of the flogger. Laying on more length of the leather results in heavy thud impacts. My ritual of flogging follows a pattern that is fairly traditional, with milder blows leading to heavier ones followed by a pause during which I reconnect with my lover before I begin again. With each pause I will do something soft and tender; I might trickle a feather-touch of my fingers from the nape of her neck down her spine, or offer an encouraging word or a kiss. In that moment I gauge Lia’s breathing and ascertain how well she is experiencing the scene thus far. Each series of impacts brings forth a biochemical response in Lia’s body, especially endorphins, which are her body’s natural painkillers. By playing with the timing of each series of blows, I am able to effectively give Lia a natural high, which not only feels good to her but also makes it possible for her to accept more severe sensations with increasing pleasure. After twenty to forty minutes I will often switch to using either my long single tail whip or two of my Dragon’s Tongue whips. I begin as gently as the whips allow. The sensations are sharp and sting Lia even when I am stroking her softly.
Watching Lia is a pleasure; she is my lovely goddess. I thrill to see her body respond to my floggers and whips. And then there are her sounds. Her whimpers make me smile as they remind me of the sounds she makes when we make love. Our dance, the dance of the Dominant and submissive, continues for an hour or more. I have never timed one of our scenes, as I am so focused on throwing my floggers and whips on Lia, on how she looks and reacts, and the wonderful sounds she makes. I lose all sense of time; I am deep in a state of flow; my intention and attention on Lia is palpable, my energy is loving and challenging and deeply committed to bringing her all manner of sensation and pleasure. In our scene, I am the conductor of the orchestra, the leading man, and the choreographer of a spontaneous ballet that builds to a glorious crescendo for us both.