“I felt unworthy of it all. I felt afraid.” I sat back up forcing myself eye to eye with the doctor who was nodding his head up and down.
“I could not stop thinking about what you said the last time I was here, about Brandon being a crutch and suddenly it felt so true. I just did not want him to give up his life for someone who might have only cared about him because she was weak. He deserved so much better than me. But now, now I am not so sure I am not in love with him, he loves me, it would make sense for me to love him back. Wouldn’t it?”
He sat quietly and pondered for a moment before responding. “And Julian, how does he make you feel?”
I smiled at the thought of Julian. Before we left the apartment Brea had walked in, I had thought she was sleeping but as it turned out she was confronting a very drunk Heather whom she had caught sneaking into the building. Apparently she was staying in one of the units upstairs with her sister. After Brea threatened to make her college life a living hell, Heather confessed and told her Julian had broken it off months ago but she had hoped to win him back, albeit rather unsuccessfully.
“It is pretty hard to explain how he makes me feel without sounding like a weirdo.” I said. He told me to give it a shot.
“I guess you could say I feel like a kid again. Not a kid kid, like… I don’t feel like whipping out Barbie dolls and skipping rope or anything silly like that. He just makes me feel like I am not broken. Like I am a whole person, I feel like I could do anything, like I could even fly if I tried hard enough.” I laughed.
“Interesting. Tell me more?”
There was so much more. I wanted to tell him about the fact Julian was my first real crush. I had known him most of my childhood and even though I was only a little girl I would day dream about white dresses and tuxedos. When Barbie finally got around to her dream wedding, she ended up with one of Nick’s GI Joe dolls. He reminded me of Julian, there was no way Barbie would pick Ken when she had a Julian around. The memories warmed my heart.
“I dunno, I know that I can see my future clear as day. I have never seen my future before. I have always lived in the here and now because you never know what is going to happen in the next second. Julian makes me hopeful for what that next second will bring. Though it all feels kind of silly and unrealistic considering it has been less than a week since we reconnected. I don’t know if it is real or if I have become some crazed sex fiend.”
Dr. Schneider smiled, “So the two of you have been intimate?” I nodded. “Let me see if I am reading you correctly. And I am taking into account several of our past sessions in this summation. I hope I do not run you off again.”
He winked at me then looked down to the pile of papers now sitting on the coffee table in front of us.
“You see Brandon as your protector. That is what your head has designated him to be. When things get rough he puts his arms around you and holds you up. Julian is just the opposite. He is more like your savior; he makes you feel as if you can walk on your own two feet without needing to be held up. Does that sound about right to you?”
Suddenly panic flashes through my mind and body like a lightning bolt. I knew what he was getting at, he was saying the same thing he had said years ago and just like then I cannot control the madness emitting off of me, I cannot breathe. Dr. Schneider senses this and hands me one of the unopened bottles of water sitting in a small wicker basket on the side table. I open it and take a drink hearing his words that plead with me to take a second to find my composure.
“Brandon is my crutch?” I ask.
It was more of a statement than it was a question. The harsh realization that I have been clinging to Brandon for my own selfish needs tore me up inside.
“I thought I loved him. He could have spent all of these years with someone who would have loved him back. I am a horrible person!” I cried and he handed me a tissue.
“I made a mistake the last time you were here Jemma. I made a very unprofessional off handed comment about you perhaps not even loving the Mr.Ackles and for that I am sorry. The truth is that we lean on the people we love. The fact that you trust Brandon enough to lean on him shows me that you love him. Don’t doubt that there is love there; I don’t think it is possible not to love someone who so very obviously loves you. But love has many faces. Learning the difference between friendship and romantic love means finding a love that encompasses every face love has to offer. When you find someone who not only holds you up but also pushes you to walk all while making you feel like you can conquer the world you will see it for what it is, something real.”
I hear every word Dr. Schneider was saying to me but I was still confused about Julian.
“I can see you are still struggling with your feelings so I am going to help you along. I want you to make a pact with yourself, and me, to abstain from sexual relations for sixty days. No penetration, no heavy petting, none of it. Continue your medication and keep a journal. Journaling will help you to sort everything out in your head at the end of a long day. The sixty days will also give your body a chance to get used to the medication because I am taking you off the lithium and putting you combination drug therapy. Have you been getting your blood tests regularly?”
I told him the truth. I had not had a blood test in over a year and he agreed that it was definitely time to have one done and urged me to make an appointment with my primary care physician. After which he directed me to schedule our next visit and led me out of the room.
The drive back to the apartment was a quiet one. I kept looking over at Brandon, who never took his eyes off the road, trying to figure out if I should tell him about my session. He had tried to hold my hand once we climbed into the car but I pulled away. I could not keep doing this to him and I no longer wanted him to hold me up anymore. I just needed him to be my friend and I could see there was a moment when he had hoped that we might reignite the flame that had once burned between us, something even I had considered. But now that I understood what we had, a romantic relationship was something the two of us could never again revisit.
We pulled into the parking lot and Brandon parked the car.
“My mom wants to see me before I go back to New York. Do you mind if I just drop you off here?”
I could see the suffering in his eyes. He did not want to be near me any longer than he had to be. We had not said a word but a part of him knew what had played out behind the closed door of Dr. Schneider's office.
“That’s fine.” I paused considering my next words carefully. “I love you Brandon. I didn’t know how much until today.”
He flicked at his steering wheel refusing to look up. “But,” he said.
“But...you and me, as an us, it is not healthy, not for either of us. You cannot keep running to my side every time I get an itch Brandon. I need to know that you are out there living your life. I do not want to lose you, not because I think I cannot live without you holding me up, but because you are a part of who I am. Knowing that you have even a tiny place in my life makes everything worth fighting for.”
Brandon looked up at me with tears in his eyes fully aware of what I was saying no matter how much he wanted to hear something different.
“This is it. All I can offer you from now on is friendship and I know that it might be selfish of me but I so very much want you to be my friend. In order to do that I need you to tell me again that you won’t be waiting in the wings for me. Only this time I desperately need you to mean it. I cannot move on until you mean it.”
My tone had turned to pure desperation. I waited in silence for what felt like years before I finally heard Brandon speak. He wiped the tears from his face, grabbed my shoulders and turned me around to face him leaving his hands firmly in place. He noticed the pendant around my neck, he didn’t know it but I never took it off, and looked up into my eyes.
“I, Brandon Coy Hicks will not ever again be caught waiting in the wings for you Jemma Lee Hale. I am your friend, I will be the best friend that I can be if you promise me tha
t you will be happy. That you will take your medication, see your doctor and take care of yourself. Because even though you are only my friend, I couldn’t live another day knowing that I failed you because you Jemma Hale are a part of me as well. A part so absolutely vital that my body would cease to function if anything happened to it. Are you hearing me?”
And the tears began to fall, my sniffling and blubbering increasing as I nodded “yes”. Brandon pulled me across the seat of the truck and into his arms. He cried into my hair and I soaked through his Old navy t-shirt. We were both an emotional disaster.
“I promise, I promise!” I sobbed.
We sat in each other’s arms until the crying stopped and we both felt safe knowing that we would never be completely apart, no matter what came between us.
“Come on, I’ll walk you in. Mom can wait. Besides Brea will have my hide if I don’t say goodbye.”
I laughed at the truthfulness of his statement and we both climbed out of the driver side of the car, walking up to the apartment talking about how paranoid Brea could get. He never once called me baby and he never reached for my hand. We were friends and nothing more.
We stumbled into the apartment laughing at the fact that I had just cussed out my keys after trying to open the door with the wrong one and we both stopped short at the sight of Ford asleep on the couch. Brea walked out of the kitchen holding a cup of coffee, and bounced up to us, her bare breasts flopping freely under her baby blue tank top.
“I told him to go home but he was pretty stubborn about insisting he be here when you got back. He fell asleep about an hour ago.”
I heard Brandon shut the door behind me. He was no longer smiling, his face was empty and I could no longer tell what was gong through his head. I moved my body forward while Brea stepped back to Brandon taking his hand and squeezing it to reassure him.
“Is that him?” I heard him whisper to Brea.
“Yup!”
I knelt down in front of this big beautiful sleeping man and smiled in awe. He had fallen asleep sitting up, nuzzled into the couch pillow with his head resting on the palm of his hand. He looked like an angel; he seemed so peaceful that you could never imagine him being plagued by a life of suffering. I placed a hand to his knee and he awoke with a jerk.
“Hi,” I spoke softly afraid he might float away at the sound of my voice..
He let out a long breath that sounded as if he had been holding it in for hours.
“Jemma? Am I dreaming?” My smile widened.
I shook my head “No” and suddenly everyone in the room disappeared around us. Ford pulled me up off the floor and took my place kneeling before me. He pulled me closer to him pushing his head in the pit of my stomach.
“I’m so sorry sweetheart. Tell me you forgive me?”
Forgive him? What was there to forgive? And then I remembered full well what there was to forgive only it was not Ford who should be pleading. I fell to the ground, falling right through the hole in the arms wrapped around me and met his stare.
“There is nothing to forgive you for Ford; Brea told me all about Heather.” I said.
“Julian” He whispered. “Please Jemma, call me Julian. I am Julian with you, I’m not Ford, he ain’t real sweet heart, and you make me real.”
A knot rose in the pit of my stomach. He has always been Julian to me as well but I wanted to respect his wishes to be called Ford even when I struggled to get the words out. He put his hands to my cheeks.
“I know about Axel, sweetheart.” He took a moment to look into my eyes, looking for assurance that I was listening to him. “I know and I don’t care one damn bit about it. As far as I am concerned it didn’t happen.”
He then pulled my face to his and kissed my lips. Our tongues became a tangled mess of love and lust. When we heard the door slam we struggled to pull away, only doing so when we both remembered that Brandon and Brea were still in the room. My first thought was that Brandon had gotten angry and left but that wasn’t the case. Brea had opened and slammed the door to get our attention.
Remembering our manners Julian and I stood up off the floor. A quick glance toward Brandon and I knew the pain the scene that played out had caused him but he had not moved an inch. I felt a sudden jab in my heart and wanted to run to him but Julian’s hand took mine into his and I refused to let go. I looked to Julian and he walked with me over to where Brandon and Brea were left standing.
Julian extended his hand out to Brandon. For a moment I could see the doubt dancing around in his head but being the gentleman he has always been he extended his as well.
“Julian, you must be Brandon?”
Brandon shook his hand but made no comment; instead he dismissed Julian and stepped towards me putting his hand to my locket as he kissed me on the forehead. He then turned to Julian in defeat, stood up straight, mumbled “Take care of her.” and disappeared.
At Brandon’s leave Brea seemed to come alive “Brandon, wait a sec.” she yelled and made her own disappearing act following Brandon out of the room. I stayed by Julian’s side. It was time for Brea to do whatever it was Brea did for Brandon; it was time for her to hold him up. No matter the promises we had made, once again I had broken his heart. This time around there was no confusion. We both knew were we stood, where I did anyway.
Julian stayed with me for the rest of the day. He filled me in on all things Heather and I filled him in on my relationship with Brandon. I needed him to know that I had no intentions of exorcising him from my life. If he was not accepting of our relationship then there was no future for us. Thankfully he understood that Brandon and I shared a past so great that made it difficult to let go of.
“As long as you have no intentions of going down that road again for anything other than friendship I don’t have a problem with it sweetheart. I could have been in your life as well but I chose not to be. I took the coward’s way out.”
“I don’t understand? It wasn’t your fault you had to move away Julian.”
“Well, I went back to Montgomery a few times. Gran and I had to set up the sale of mom and pops house. She tried to get me to pay you all a visit but I was scared. I figured your mom and dad would hate me.”
I simply stared at him in confusion. How could anyone have hated him for something so far out of his control? The funny thing is that for years I had thought the same thing about my own mom and dad. That they hated me for being the one that lived. They rarely ever showed me anything resembling parental love after Nicolai was killed, sometimes they wouldn’t even acknowledge my existence no matter what I did to deserve a second look.
Julian frantically wiped at his upper legs with both hands, I could tell he was trying to keep them from their chaotic journey through his mane something I noticed he did every time he got nervous. I put my hands on top of his and glanced up at him from under my eye lids, my eyes pleading with him to calm down and tell me what was on his mind.
“Alright, since we are laying our cards out on the table.” he sighed nervously. “The day everything went down, he shot my mom and pop first. There was no life left in them, they died the second the bullets hit. They had begged and pleaded for my and Nicks lives but it only seemed to make the son of a bitch hungry for more blood. When he aimed his gun at me, Nick lunged out from under my dad’s body and threw himself out in front of me. The guy shot him twice trying to get to me. The injuries I sustained, they were secondary hits from the bullets that killed him Jemma.”
He moved his hand to the top of mine. He was shaking, tears had filled his eyes and I was completely paralyzed. Everything I had heard about that day was from third party accounts from kids at school. My parents never spoke a word about it and nobody dared say anything to me directly.
“He saved me, in the end he was the better man.”
“He saved you?”
After everything those were the only words I could wrap my head around. Nick, the boy who tore the heads of my Barbie dolls, who would steal my chicken nuggets when nobody was
looking, had died saving the only person I could see myself sharing my life with. My brother, who was only twelve years old, had died a hero.
I felt Julian lightly squeeze my hand before he reached up to touch my face. He ran his thumb over my cheek holding my head up with the rest of his fingers.
“Tell me what you are thinking sweetheart?”
I couldn’t tell him what I was thinking right then and there because I was completely dry of words. I had done so much talking that I had no speech left in me to react to the bombshell he had just laid out in front of me. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t hate him, there was no way in hell that I could, but the words lay lifeless at the back of my throat.
I put a finger up in front of him and did the only thing I could think to do. I ran into my room and slid a small plastic chest out from under my bed. Inside lay all of the memories of my life before, memories of a life that Julian was such a large part of. I pulled out my old drawing journal and carried myself back to my seat placing the book into his hands.
Without saying a word he opened it and began to flip through the pages. I watched as he flipped through page after page of drawings, my mouth smiling brighter and brighter every time he smiled. Some of the paintings were normal little girl stuff, rainbows and butterflies, but others well they were all Julian. Some were as simple as his name being written over and over again in bubble letters, some were drawings of the two of us, some little hearts with both of our names scribbled inside, each one a perfect documentation of the childhood crush I had managed to hold onto all through Jr. High.
Julian stopped at one of my self-portraits. It was a drawing of me as a little girl dancing around my parent’s back yard garden with fairy wings. He ran his fingers over the swirls around my body that indicated I was spinning in circles.
“Always wearing those wings, you were such a happy little girl. I loved playing with you, sometimes more than Nick, you were just so carefree. I would get so fucking mad at Nick for being so damned mean to you. He could be such a jerk sometimes.” He looked up at me from the page. “But I loved him like a brother.”
The Boy Who Knew Me When (From Boys to men Trilogy) Page 10