by K. A. Hobbs
“What… what are you doing?” he asks as he fills the machine with more water.
“Ginny has invited me there.” I answer, sitting on a bar stool.
“That will be nice for you all.”
“I’m not going, Daniel.”
“You’re not?” he turns around and looks at me.
“No.”
“Then… Where are you going? Are you going to Richard’s parents?”
Honestly, the thought of going to Richard’s parents hasn’t even enter my head. We’ve never been close, never had a good relationship. I have only seen them once since he died and it was the most awkward weekend in history. The pain his mother felt was obvious and she made it clear she wished I was gone and he was still alive.
“No,” I shake my head, “I’m staying here.”
“You’ll be alone on Christmas day?” his eyes grow sad.
“No, you’re not understanding me,” I get up and walk over to where he is standing, “I’ll be here.”
“Here, here?” his eyes go wide and I smile.
“If you’d like me to be here, with you, then I’ll be here.” I tell him, reaching out to hold his shaking hand.
“Katie…” he closes his eyes, his hand shaking even more.
“I don’t want you to be alone, Daniel. My heart actually aches when I think of it. Please, please let me spend it with you.”
He pulls me into his arms, I can hear his heart racing, his whole body shakes and his breathing is heavy. Then I feel a tear drop on my hair.
“You won’t be alone if you don’t want to be. Daniel.” I whisper.
“I couldn’t bear to be alone, Katie. I was alone when it happened. I don’t want to be alone anymore.” he whispers, the agony clear in his voice.
“You’re not alone. I’m here with you.” I pull back and look up at him.
“You are.”
“And I will be Christmas morning too and Christmas eve if you want me.” I smile.
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, seeming to be trying to steady himself. When he opens his eyes and looks right at me, my heart beat picks up. His eyes are heated. I know that look, I’ve seen that look in Richard’s eyes.
“I want you,” he sighs, “I want you here with me this Christmas,” he cups my face and smiles, “And every Christmas from now on.”
“Let’s just start with this year, okay?” I smile shyly.
He nods and steps away to make us both a coffee. Grinding the beans, steaming the milk, getting it just right. Daniel makes the best coffees and the most delicious mochas. When our drinks are ready he goes to the big cupboard in the corner and brings out a packet of biscuits. The most delicious buttery sultana cookies he knows I love.
“You didn’t buy these just for me, did you?” I grin as he opens the packet.
“Well,” he smiles, “I like them, but you love them, so kind of, but not really.”
“You’re babbling.” I grin, taking one from the packet and biting into it.
I groan and close my eyes. They are soooo good. I look back at Daniel and notice he looks a little pained. I have no idea why.
“You okay?” I ask, taking another bite.
“Yes.” he croaks, his voice a little husky.
“So… Christmas. You’ve ordered a turkey, right?”
“I did order a small one, yes.” he coughs, moving behind the counter a little more.
“Well there is only two of us, we only need a small one.”
* * *
“Merry Christmas, Munchkin!” Ryan greets me when I arrive at their house on Christmas eve.
“Merry Christmas, Giant!” I laugh.
“Did Santa bring presents?” he asks looking at my hands.
“He did. But with strict instructions not to open them till tomorrow.” I give him my most serious stare.
“Right.” he nods.
I walk into the kitchen to find Ginny up to her elbows making sausage rolls as was her Christmas eve tradition. She has Christmas songs playing and is singing and making faces at Aidan who is sitting in his highchair playing with some building blocks.
“Merry Christmas, beautiful!” I call over the music.
“You’re here!” Ginny says excitedly, wiping her hands on her apron, “Merry Christmas!”
Ryan takes the presents from me and takes them into the lounge while I wrap my best friend in my arms and jump up and down a little excitedly. Aidan claps his hands and gurgles at us like he wants in on the action too.
“Are you all set for tomorrow?” I ask Ginny.
“Pretty much yes, I just need to get these done then I can relax. Have a glass of mulled wine and enjoy this little man’s first Christmas.”
“How is Daniel?” Ryan asks, coming back into the kitchen.
“He’s okay as far as I know. I haven’t heard from him this afternoon.”
“So, tomorrow is the anniversary?”
“Yes. Can you imagine a worst day… I mean any day would be horrendous, but Christmas day?”
“It’s heartbreaking.” Ginny says.
“I’m going straight round after this, we’re having dinner and I’ll stay until he’s ready for me to leave.”
“He is so lucky to have you sweetheart.” Ginny smiles, squeezing my hand.
“I’m lucky to have him too. Tomorrow won’t be easy for me, but I’ll have something else to focus on.”
“You’ll help each other, just like you have been doing since you met.”
We spend an hour chatting, I have one small glass of mulled wine and two sausage rolls before I have to leave. Ginny loads me down with sausage rolls, mince pies and chocolate log insisting it wasn’t any trouble at all. Ryan helps me out to the car with the bags of presents I have and the food. When everything is inside the car, I stand there and say goodnight to my friend.
“I’m thinking of you tomorrow, Munchkin.” he whispers as he hugs me.
“Thank you. I’m thinking of you too.”
“Wherever he is, Kate, he’s happy, safe. And he’s happy for you.” Ryan tells me.
“I hope so, Ryan, I really, really hope so.”
“I know so. Now go make that Blonde Giant of yours smile when he needs to smile the most.”
“He isn’t mine.” I scowl as I get into the car and open the window to wave. Ryan leans down and sticks his head into the car, grinning from ear to ear.
“I think he is. Merry Christmas, both of you.”
I pull onto Daniel’s drive and stop the car. I sit there for a minute, just trying to calm my racing heart a little. This is a huge thing for me. Not only is this my first Christmas without Richard, but it’s Daniel’s first Christmas without Poppy. Tomorrow is the anniversary and I don’t know just how I am supposed to be there for him, if he wants me to be with him or just in the house. I guess we’ll work it out when I get inside. When Richard died, I never imagined I would be spending this Christmas with another man. Regardless of the fact he is a friend, it’s another man and I am so confused right now. How I am supposed to feel? What I am supposed to do? I feel sad and relieved at the same time. Sad I’m without Richard, but relieved I’m not completely alone.
I take one last deep breath before I step out into the cold, dark Christmas eve night. Lights are glowing from inside the house and I know Daniel is in there. I can picture him sitting in his reading room, book in hand, waiting for me to arrive, to help him keep his mind off of what tomorrow is, unsure of what it will bring. I reach into the boot and lift out my overnight bag, the bags of presents I’ve brought for us to open tomorrow and the ones Ginny has given me for both of us along with her food packages. I head to the door and use the huge brass knocker to let Daniel know I’m here. I see him walk towards the door and when he opens it, I’m immediately pulled into an embrace and squeezed so tightly all the air leaves my body.
“I’m so glad you’re here, I’ve been going crazy waiting, I’ve spent the last hour in Poppy’s room.” he pulls back and I see his ey
es are red rimmed and puffy.
“You should have called me, I would have come straight over. I’m so sorry.” I reach up and cup his face in my hand.
“You’re here now.” he pulls me to him again and breathes in deeply.
* * *
As we get closer to midnight, the atmosphere changes. Daniel changes. He stops smiling, he stops talking, he just stops. His eyes are glazed and focused on the wall in front of him, the wall that has the handprints on. I shuffle closer to him and he leans so he is resting his head on my shoulder.
“There is this God awful pain in my chest, Katie. I walk around with it every single day. I try to pretend I don’t feel it, but I do. I’ve just become so used to it.” he whispers.
I don’t say anything, I just listen. He needs me to listen without interrupting, he needs me to listen without telling him everything will be okay, because I don’t know if it will be. No one does.
“I wake up in the night and I think I hear her call to me. I’m sure I can some times, so I have to get up and check, I have to go into her bedroom and turn on the light to see she isn’t there because,” he takes a shuddery breath, “because I hope I’m dreaming and when I wake up, she’ll still be here. Only, you’ll be here too.”
He reaches down and holds my hand in his, lacing our fingers together before bringing them up to his lips and pressing a kiss to my fingers. The lines of our friendship have become more and more blurred of late. Our relationship changing, still a friendship but with feelings I don’t know what to do with or even what to think of it. Daniel and I hug, we hold hands. He will place kisses on my forehead and pull me into his arms. It’s confusing me and causing me to question if we need to stop spending so much time together. But he gives me so much comfort and I know I give him comfort too. I don’t want to stop it and I don't see why I should.
“I’ll always be here, Daniel.” I tell him, running my thumb over his hand.
We sit together not talking for a few minutes. When Daniel gets to his feet, I follow him with my eyes. He walks over to his bookcase and pulls out a photo album. He comes to sit back down and opens it, resting it on both of our thighs. The first page is of Poppy and Daniel when Poppy was a baby. Each photo is stunningly beautiful. One of my favourites is of a very tiny Poppy resting on Daniel’s chest, he is pressing a kiss to the top of her tiny head. Being a father came as naturally as breathing to Daniel, I can tell.
As we flick through the album, Poppy ages before me. Another is of Poppy in the smartest little winter coat and hat, she is surrounded by orange and yellow leaves. Clutched in her little hands are a pile of leaves too and her face has the most beautiful cheeky smile. She is incredibly beautiful and so much like her Daddy. I laugh when I see the next photo, Poppy dressed in the most beautiful white fluffy tutu and on her tiny little feet, reaching right up to the top of her legs, are a pair of Daniel’s boots. She is looking down at her feet, her smile just visible.
“Do you know how many times I found her wearing my boots?”
“She liked your boots? They are so big she could have sat in them!” I smile, brushing my hand over the photograph.
“She loved to put her prettiest dress on and slip her feet into my oldest, scruffiest pair of boots,” he half smiles, “I didn’t understand it then, I don’t understand it now.”
“She loves you, I get it.” I take his hand in mine and bring it to my lips.
“I miss her, Katie. Not just today, not just tomorrow, all the time, every single day.”
“I know you do,” I rest my head on his shoulder, “I don’t know what to say.”
“I don’t need you to say anything, I just need you.” he rests his head on mine and we just sit there, looking down at the photo of the most beautiful little girl in her pretty dress and her Daddy’s scruffy boots.
Chapter Fourteen
After the long night, I don’t wake up until ten on Christmas morning. I look over and see Daniel is still fast asleep on the mountain of pillows on the floor. He looks peaceful and warm and I don’t want to wake him. I get up and head upstairs into the spare room, I want to brush my teeth and text Ginny. She will already be awake and getting everything ready for her day ahead. Twenty minutes later I head back downstairs and into the lounge, creeping over to the Christmas tree, I switch on the lights then head into the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast. Daniel comes into the kitchen ten minutes later looking sleepy and warm, his face still a little creased and soft with sleep. He walks right over to me and wraps me in a hug, pulling me to his warm delicious smelling chest.
“Happy Christmas, Katie.” he whispers, his voice thick with sleep.
“Happy Christmas, Daniel. How are you feeling?” I press a little kiss to his chest and inhale him.
“I feel… delicate, but not from drinking, it’s odd. Thank you for being here, for staying up with me last night, for listening.”
“I wanted to be here. Did it help? Me being here?”
“It always helps you being here, Katie. Are you making coffee? Using Bruce? Even though you’re scared of him?” he jokes.
“Yes… Well I was going to, but since you're awake. You make the coffee and I’ll make the bacon sandwiches!” I laugh.
“Bruce isn’t so big and tough when you know how to use him.” Daniel tells me, kissing the top of my head and walking over to the coffee machine that intimidates me.
“He still scares me, it’s all the nozzles and settings and stuff,” I shake me head, “You know a kettle only has an on switch.”
“Yes, but I’ve never tasted a coffee that comes from a kettle that is a patch on what Bruce makes.”
“Not even mine?” I gasp in mock surprise.
“Not even yours, Katie,” he laughs while he gets to work making our coffee, “Why do you think I bought you the coffee machine?”
I move about Daniel’s kitchen making bacon sandwiches for us both. When everything is ready, we take our coffee and breakfast into the lounge and sit on the floor on the pillows and blankets that acted as our bed last night. We tuck into breakfast, the fact Daniel has his back to the fireplace and therefore avoiding looking at the handprints on the wall is painfully obvious.
“When can I give you your presents?” he asks finishing his sandwich.
“Well, right after I give you yours.”
“Well can that happen soon?” he grins cheekily at me, “I really want to give you your presents.”
“You’re very impatient.”
“I’m excited, I want to give you your presents, please, can I just go first?” he bounces a little where he sits.
“Oh, go on then.” I smile, rolling my eyes jokingly. Daniel is happy right now and I want to do everything in my power to keep him that way.
Daniel crawls over to the Christmas tree and picks up a box. It is beautifully wrapped in gold paper with red baubles on, the finishing touch being a big perfectly tied, red bow. He crawls back over and sits down, looking at me, he holds his hand out, palm up with the box resting in his hand.
“Happy Christmas, Katie.”
“Thank you.” I grin. I untie the bow carefully and slip the lid off, nestled inside the box is an envelope. On the front of the envelope are nine little words, written in elegant script;
You can now cross one thing off your list
“My list?” I ask, looking up at him.
He just nods. I pick up the envelope and slide my finger along it to open it. When it's open, I reach inside and pull out a gift voucher for two people to go on the Orient Express.
“Daniel..” My voice is so thick with emotion it's barely a whisper.
“Take whoever you like, I want you to go and enjoy yourself. You deserve it more than most, Katie.”
“Daniel, it's.. It's too much. I know how much these cost.”
“I don't care how much they cost, I don’t care about anything other than knowing you like your gift.”
“I love it, it's the most thoughtful, special, amazing gift I've ever had. I
can't believe you remembered.” I wipe the tears and smile at the beautiful man in front of me.
“I remember everything you've ever told me, Katie.” He smiles,
“Somehow I think my gift can never compare to yours.”