And before Cait could say anything, he opened his mouth. “Hopefully she doesn’t have a date planned with anybody else, since I asked Cait to move in with me.”
He’d intended for the words to sound light, almost joking, but they didn’t come out of his mouth that way, and he knew when he heard Cait’s sharp intake of breath that he’d made a critical mistake.
“You’re moving out?” Carter asked his sister, his fork frozen halfway between his plate and his mouth.
“I...I had no idea,” Diane said, and her expression when she looked at her daughter didn’t bode well for the rest of the night.
“We’re just talking about it, Mom.”
That wasn’t really true, Gavin thought. He’d been talking about it. Cait had been silent on the issue since he brought it up, and she was carefully avoiding looking at him right now.
“I didn’t realize it was that serious,” Diane said in a trembling voice. Tears shimmered in her eyes and Gavin felt a strong pang of regret and guilt. “I... That’s wonderful.”
“Mom, I think—”
“We’ll be fine, of course,” Diane continued. Her words were rushed, and Gavin got the impression she was talking more to herself than to Cait. “And Carter’s doing so much better in school and everything. He’ll be okay, too, I think.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Carter said, his voice twisted with sarcasm again. “It’s good to know you have faith in me.”
“Maybe you should give me a reason to,” she snapped, and he heard Cait’s long sigh.
“It’s not like you give me a chance to do anything. You have Cait to do everything for you, so what the hell do you need me for, anyway?”
“Watch your language. And at least your sister doesn’t make my life any harder than it already is.”
“Whatever.” He stood so abruptly his chair fell over backward. After picking it up and slamming it onto its legs, he took his plate into the kitchen and they all winced at the sound of it clattering in the sink.
Diane burst into tears.
Cait tipped her head back and stared at the ceiling for a few seconds and then stood, while Gavin just sat there and tried to figure out how the hell to make everything better.
After Diane stood and walked quickly to the kitchen while trying to hide her face from him, Gavin stood. “I’m sorry, Cait. I should go.”
She said nothing, her lips pinched together, as she walked to the front door with him and retrieved his coat from the closet.
“I can’t believe you did that,” she said finally, anger practically radiating from her body.
“She was talking about not knowing if you have a date planned with me. We’re well beyond just dating, Cait, and she needs to know that and accept it.”
“She just meant that she didn’t know if we had made plans together for that day. Calling it a date was an easy word to sum it up, and she didn’t mean anything by it.”
“You hadn’t talked to her about it at all.” He didn’t bother making it a question since he already knew the answer.
“About what?”
“About the fact I asked you to move in with me. It’s kind of a big deal. Or at least I thought it was.” He ran a hand over his hair, trying to calm down. “You’ve been downplaying our relationship to her, haven’t you? So she wouldn’t think you’re pulling away from her.”
“I haven’t downplayed anything. I just don’t talk about my private life a lot. And you should have respected that instead of going around me to my mother, as if I’d give in because we were in front of other people.”
“Give in? Jesus, Cait. I was asking you to share my life with me, not be my hostage.”
“You know what I mean.”
He didn’t, actually, but he heard a door slam and was reminded they weren’t alone. “Look, why don’t we go to my place so we can sit down and talk about this privately?”
“I’m not going anywhere with you, Gavin. I have to stay here and deal with the fallout from you making them believe I’m moving out.”
“You’ve gotta be joking.” Even though he knew he’d spoken out of turn, he couldn’t keep the anger at bay. “We need to talk about this, Cait, and we can’t do it standing in front of your door.”
“You saw what’s happening in there and, trust me, it only gets worse from here.”
“What I saw was a mom and her teenage son being a typical mom and teenager and you trying to mediate instead of letting them hash it out.”
“You know how my mom is—”
“I don’t think it’s your mom. It’s you, Cait.”
He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, even though he didn’t think he was wrong. Her face paled and her eyes widened with hurt before narrowing in anger.
“Who the hell are you to judge my family?”
“Just the guy trying to be part of your life.” Since he’d started it, he might as well get it out there. “Your mom didn’t just scare Carter when your stepfather died. She scared you, too, and you’re not moving past that fear. You can’t go forward with your own life until you get past it.”
She stared at him for what seemed like an eternity, her face pale and her lips tight, and then lifted her chin. “I guess if you don’t think I’m moving forward, there’s not much sense in you hanging around then, is there?”
“Cait, don’t—”
“It’s time for you to leave.” She tossed him his coat and nodded her head toward the door. “Don’t make it any worse. Just...just go.”
A minute later, he was sitting in his truck, staring at the door she’d practically slammed behind him and unable to bring himself to move. Maybe it would open and she’d run down the steps. He could tell her he was sorry. That he was an asshole and he never should have said anything to Diane about asking her to move in with him.
But he didn’t know what to say about the words he’d flung at Cait. He knew they’d hurt her, but he wasn’t sure he could bring himself to take them back. No matter what happened now, he still meant them. Cait couldn’t look forward to a future with him while living in the past.
With a hand that was shaking a little, he put the truck in gear and backed out of the driveway.
* * *
It was an argument. They happened all the time. Even the happiest of couples fought sometimes, and then they worked through their disagreements and moved on.
Cait stared at her ceiling, ignoring the light shining through the window and the sounds of moving around elsewhere in the house.
It was just a fight, she told herself again, wondering how many times she’d have to think it before she actually believed it.
It hadn’t felt like the argument of a happy couple. It had felt more like a breakup.
She rolled onto her stomach, burying her face in her pillow, as somebody—presumably her mother—tapped on her door. She didn’t want to talk to anybody right now.
But the slight squeak of old hinges told her whoever it was didn’t care if she wanted company or not. “Honey, are you awake?”
“I have a headache, Mom. I just want to be left alone.”
But, of course, the bed dipped as her mom sat on the edge of it. A second later, she felt a hand on her shoulder. “You need to eat something.”
She’d just throw it up, if she could even get it past the lump in her throat to begin with. “I’m not hungry.”
“I’m sorry, Cait. I really am. I didn’t mean to ruin dinner.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. He blindsided you, talking about me moving in with him, but we’ve only talked about it once.”
“And I should have been happy for you. Instead, your brother and I got upset and ruined everything.”
Cait really didn’t want to have this conversation. Not now. Not in an hour. Maybe never. It was like a never-ending loop she wanted to stop. She rolled onto her
side and looked at her mom.
“If he can’t deal with a family who’s not 1950s TV perfect, that’s his problem. We’re doing okay.”
“You should go talk to him, honey.”
“There’s not much to say.”
“Of course there is. Every couple fights and you know that. Duke and I were very happy together, but we still fought sometimes.”
“I know.” She’d spent the night telling herself that. “But this one’s been simmering between us for a while and maybe we didn’t have a strong enough foundation yet.”
“This is how you build a strong foundation. You find the cracks and you work together to fix them.”
Cait didn’t have the heart to tell her she couldn’t see a way to fix their cracks. Gavin wanted her to be sure moving in with him was the right thing to do and she wasn’t. She wanted to be, but look what had happened when he brought it up.
Every time her mother got upset like that, Cait remembered the fear in Carter’s voice the night he’d called her. She relived trying to get her mother—limp and sobbing—up and out of the bathroom because she was afraid she might actually take her own life. She’d put her in bed and then climbed in beside her, afraid to let her out of her sight.
Cait knew they’d come a long way together, but she still remembered that fear and utter helplessness when the tears started. She knew how bad it could be. Gavin didn’t.
Her mom would take that on herself, though, and beat herself up some more, so she just smiled. “Maybe. We’ll see how it goes.”
“No, you don’t wait and see how it goes. If you want to keep Gavin in your life, he has to know that. And it goes both ways. The only way a relationship survives the ups and downs is if both of you want it enough to fight for it.”
Her mom’s words stayed with her throughout the long, miserable day, and that’s how she came to have her phone in her hand later that afternoon. Can we talk?
The response took a few minutes, and they felt like the longest minutes of Cait’s life.
I’m home. Or I can meet you somewhere.
I’ll come there.
Whenever you’re ready. I’ll be here.
By the time he’d buzzed her up to his apartment, Cait’s stomach was tied into so many knots, she was surprised she could stand up straight. And when he opened the door, all of those knots twisted.
He was wearing his favorite sweats—which were so worn, he probably couldn’t get away with wearing them out of the house—and an equally threadbare T-shirt that bore a faded and cracked logo from the fire academy. They were his comfort clothes, which let her know he’d had as miserable a night and day as she had.
“I’m glad you’re here,” he said as he closed the door behind her. “All day I’ve been wondering if I should call, but I didn’t know if you’d answer.”
“I would have,” she said quietly. She didn’t know what to do with herself, so she finally pulled out a chair and sat at the table.
What she wanted to do was throw herself into his arms, but that wouldn’t be enough. She wanted them to be okay again because while hugging him now might be a comfort, it was hugging him tomorrow and every day after that that mattered.
He pulled out the chair across from her and sat down, scrubbing his hands over his face before he spoke. “I’m sorry about last night.”
“Me, too.” She was twisting her fingers together, so she clasped her hands together and set them in her lap. “I did a lot of speaking before thinking and I shouldn’t have.”
“And I am sincerely sorry I told your mom I asked you to move in with me. It was stupid and I shouldn’t have done it. I should have let you tell her when you were ready.”
“Or when I thought she was ready.” When he looked away, she knew she’d struck a nerve. “Oh, that’s right. You already decided she’s ready and that it’s me who’s not.”
“I’m not saying it won’t be an adjustment, for all of you. But I think you’re not even giving her a chance to make that adjustment. You’re just assuming she can’t hold things together without you.”
“You saw how it went last night.”
“And again, I saw a teenager have an attitude with his mother and she got upset. You can’t stop that from happening, and they need to figure out how to communicate with each other without you in between them. It’s not only wrong for you, but it’s not doing them any favors, either.”
Coming here so soon after the fight and on little sleep had been a bad idea, she thought. She didn’t want to hear any more of this. Knowing he’d been judging her, even blaming her for enabling the situation that was tearing them apart, was too much. But she knew if she walked out the door right now, she might never cross his threshold again.
“You’re always doing stuff for your family,” she said, very carefully keeping her voice calm. “How is that any different?”
“Because my family also does stuff for me. Yeah, I’m always there for them if they need me, but they’re also there if I need them. When’s the last time anybody was there for you, Cait?”
“If I need one of them, they’ll be there for me.”
“You do need them. You need for them to tell you that they can handle living in a house together without you.” He ran his hand over his hair and she tried not to notice the way the cowlick refused to stay down. “Family’s supposed to be a give-and-take thing but when it comes to yours, I see a whole lot of taking from you and not much in the way of giving, because you’ve made it a pattern.”
“So is it them or is it me? Make up your mind.”
“It’s not that simple. No, she’s not coping with things like she could be, either. She doesn’t have to, Cait, because you do it for her and you can’t see that she doesn’t need you to.”
“This was a mistake.” She stood up and so did he, but he didn’t move around the table toward her. “It doesn’t matter how much we talk about this, we’re not going to agree.”
“I’m not trying to make you choose between your family and me. I’m really not.”
“It’s not about you at all, Gavin.”
“No, it’s not about me. It’s about us.” He blew out a breath. “I don’t think your family situation has changed much since we first got together and I...I want us to move forward together and I don’t think you can do that right now. And based on how hard you’re pushing back at me, I don’t know if you will be anytime soon.”
Her skin prickled with heat as she heard what he didn’t say. And I don’t know if I can wait.
“I’m going to go,” she said as she walked toward the door, feeling numb. She couldn’t give him what he needed from her. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
He caught her arm. “Cait, don’t leave like this.”
“There’s no sense in staying here and dragging it out. We’re talking in circles and we’re not going to get anywhere and it hurts too much.”
His hand fell away and, in that moment—when he let her walk out the door—Cait knew what true heartbreak felt like.
Chapter Eighteen
One second Gavin was standing on the edge of a roof, and the next, Jeff’s knee buckled and he fell sideways and Gavin was holding on to the small lip of the roof, with one arm, while scrambling to get his other hand up.
Then he felt a hand close over his wrist before other hands grabbed the back of his coat and hauled him back onto the roof.
Pride be damned. He stayed there for a minute, breathing hard and trying to process what the hell had just happened.
“Holy shit, Boudreau,” he heard Danny say.
“Yeah, that,” he said and there was some weak laughter.
It wasn’t even a fire. The maintenance man had gone on the roof to check the equipment, smelled something weird and called the fire department.
The weird smell turned out to be an employee of the building smo
king pot on his lunch break and, after reporting that info to the building manager to do with as he saw fit, they’d taken their time up on the roof. The sun was shining and spring was around the corner.
Danny had been telling a funny story about his kid and then, bam, Gavin was dangling four stories over the sidewalk.
It was Jeff who hauled him to his feet. “I’m so fucking sorry, man. So fucking sorry.”
Gavin mustered a grin and slapped him in the shoulder. “You tripped, man. I should have been fast enough to get out of the way.”
Jeff looked like he was going to say something else, but then he just shook his head.
Maybe Gavin’s reflexes would have been enough if his head had been in the game, where it belonged. But then Danny started talking about Ashley and Jackson, which made Gavin think about Cait, and he hadn’t been able to dodge the gut punch he got every time he thought about her.
He missed her. Every second of every day, he felt her absence. He even dreamed about her, so not only was there no respite in sleep, but he started every day with a renewed sense of loss.
Back at quarters, Gavin went about the regular routine of the firehouse, trying not to think about Cait and only managing to think about her more. The other guys were giving him a wide berth and he wasn’t sure if they were giving him space after his brush with being sidewalk art, or if his grief was actually surrounding him like some kind of invisible force field of emotion.
It wasn’t until they’d all gathered in the kitchen to eat that he saw Jeff again. He’d seen Jeff’s wife earlier and figured she’d stopped by for a quick visit, either coincidentally or because Jeff had told her what happened. He’d seen her leave a little while later, but Jeff had stayed in the bunk room.
Now that he really thought about the sequence of events, it was weird and he spooned pulled pork from the slower cooker onto his bun with a feeling of trepidation. Sure, he’d almost accidentally killed Gavin, but shit happened. Hell, Grant had knocked his first LT unconscious with a ladder his second week on the job and put him out of commission with a concussion.
Gavin wasn’t the only one who felt it coming. Even once the meal was done, nobody left the kitchen. They all lingered, restless and waiting for the shoe to drop.
Hot Response Page 21