by Tina Reber
A stabbing piece of my headache returned. After having lost a family member and my hopes for a fellowship decimated, meaningless sex was no longer on my agenda. And now the man I had hoped to accidentally run into last night was eight feet behind me, getting an eyeful of me at my worst.
Maybe if I don’t look directly at him, he’ll find some compassion. “Can I ask you for one last favor? Think you can drive me to get my car? I’m sure you have things you have to do, so the quicker I can get out of your hair—”
“Your car is in the driveway.”
Um, what? “What?”
He pulled keys out of his jeans pocket; my silver “E” initial dangled on the ring between his fingers. “It’s in the driveway.”
My heart skipped a beat. Was he just that extremely thoughtful or in that much of a hurry to get rid of me? I opted for being grateful nonetheless. “Wow, you ran for it?”
He gave me a quick chin nod. “I told Kip I’d move it before he opened. They were plowing the lot.”
Well there was a partial answer. “Oh, yeah. Okay. Thanks.” The after-effects of my evening of debauchery tossed a renewed wave of nausea over me. “I think it will be a while until I show my face in his bar again.” Visions of Kip harassing Adam about picking up some drunken girl’s car toppled over the nausea.
Adam tipped a brow, silently agreeing. I presumed that also meant he’d never take me back there again as well.
“How did you get there?”
Adam pulled another set of keys from his pocket, setting them on the edge of the granite countertop. For a bachelor, he had a killer kitchen, which was also a surprise.
He ran a hand over his short spiky hair. “My partner Marcus picked me up.”
“Really? Wow.”
So much for small talk.
Something was bothering him; that much was obvious. I watched him glance around at everything but me, rubbing his neck, deliberately avoiding me as he did his thing. I tried to determine what he was looking for while presuming he was searching for a nice way to tell me to get going. I’d seen the same behaviors from other guys before him. It was the morning air of regret waltz. He may have felt one way last night, but the indecisiveness I’d come to learn about him was swirling like a tornado around the room.
Well, before he had the opportunity to make me feel like shit I figured I’d make it easier on him. I may be a lot of things, but a lingering inconvenience is not one of them.
“Thank you. And please tell your partner I said thank you, too. I… I really appreciate it.”
Adam nodded.
“So um… I guess you want me to… I should get going…”
Adam pulled my keys back before I could grasp them. “Not so fast.”
I stopped in midair, shocked.
He crossed his arms, effectively tucking my keys away. “I need to know something.”
I braced, sensing I was about to be interrogated.
“Last night, drinking like that. Is that something you do often?”
Hung-over or not, I knew a displeased accusation when I’d heard one. Even shaking my head was enough to make me never want to take another drink again. “No.”
His eyes narrowed. “No? You sure?”
I straightened, feeling weak and dizzy but strangely annoyed at having to be on guard. “No. Never.”
His small scoff didn’t go unnoticed, either.
“So you’re telling me this was a one-time thing? Because I’ve got to tell ya, that sort of thing does not sit well with me. Last thing I need in my life is a party girl who gets smashed every weekend.”
My throat felt as raw as my emotions. “Believe me, I don’t make a habit out of it, but it looks like you don’t believe me so…”
Adam’s head swayed. “You know how I feel about lying, Erin.”
“I have no reason to lie to you, Adam.” I shoved my knit hat into my opened purse, incensed by his false assumptions. “I have no life. Haven’t had much of one for years. It’s not like I even have opportunities to go out anymore. All my friends are…” Busy, married, making babies. “I just completed my medical residency. Do you even know what that means? I work, study, and barely sleep. Whatever. I don’t know why I’m bothering to explain myself. I can’t help it if you choose not to believe me.”
I wished my boots would magically appear on the other side of his overstuffed brown leather chair. “Everything else in my life has turned to shit, might as well add you to that list, too. If you tell me where you put my coat and the rest of my stuff I’ll gladly get out of your hair.” I pulled my purse up over my arm and held out my hand. “Can I have my keys now?”
“You make a habit of walking away a lot. You’re a jack.”
A what? “A what?”
“A jack rabbit.”
Was he equating me to one of his petty car thieves? He made my head spin. “You’ve got to be kidding me. You ran away first, Adam. No, actually if I remember correctly, you pushed me away several times and then the last time I saw you, you ran out of my house like your ass was on fire. So screw you. Can I have my keys, please?”
Adam sighed. “You’re right. I did. But you’re here now.”
My coat was nowhere in sight, adding to my agitation. “To which I still don’t understand why. Can you tell me where my boots are?”
He took a step toward me, frowning at my bare foot. “All public transportation shut down last night, Doc. You would have been waiting a long time for a cab.”
“So? I could have walked or waited in my car until I felt okay to drive. I didn’t ask you to come get me.”
“What? And let you drive home as drunk as you were? I don’t think so.”
I took a leveling breath. “Is that what’s bugging you? I’m sorry, but I had no intentions of ruining your evening and I’m sorry if I did. Honestly, I’m surprised you came for me or that you even care.”
His eyes turned even darker.
“And to answer your question, yes, I do walk away. I have no reason to stay where I’m not wanted. Been there, done that, Officer. You can’t pretend to care one minute and not give a shit the next. It’s confusing.”
His hands balled into fists. “Who said I don’t give a shit?”
“Oh that’s right. You’d rather sneak around and stay anonymous than see me. Please tell me where my boots are so I can go.”
“What are you talking about? Sneaking around?”
Annoyed blood thinned out with tequila was thrumming through my veins. “You know exactly what I’m talking about: my loose siding, the shingles that were peeled up, the burnt out light over my garage that suddenly works now. My neighbor told me yesterday that a mysterious guy in a big black truck has been stopping by with a ladder and tools all week, performing all sorts of random acts of kindness. Know anyone with a black truck, Adam?”
He shrugged. “I fucked up. Won’t do that again.”
His reply hit my like a physical blow. “And what? I wasn’t supposed to know you’ve been the one fixing things around my house? Why would you do that, Adam? It’s the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for me and yet I don’t see you? Or hear from you at all? I’m just trying to understand.”
His eyes narrowed. “Why did you pick Al’s? Out of all of places to go tie one on—”
“I don’t have time for this.”
“Why Al’s?”
I glared back. “It’s close to my house.”
“Bullshit. This town isn’t lacking for bars.”
“And they have good food. And I was home on Tuesday, by the way. And Wednesday, too.”
He sighed. “I know. You worked the night shift again.”
“And you couldn’t knock on my door?”
He cast his eyes to the ground. “I did, sort of. The hammering didn’t wake you up and you never came out to investigate, so I figured you were avoiding me or sound asleep.”
My brain felt close to imploding. “So you admit to being at my house?”
“Why Al’s,
Erin?” he asked. His words were soft but definitely demanding an answer.
I wanted my boots and coat now more than ever. “For your information, I didn’t intend to tie one on, either. I just so happened to have one of the most shittiest days of my life yesterday and then someone bought me a drink and then before I—”
“I know,” he interrupted. “His name is Benny Deets and he’s one of my snitches. He’s a piece of shit and nothing but trouble. Been in jail more than he’s been out of it. So answer my question. Why did you go to Al’s?”
My skin pricked with fright. I remembered talking to a cute guy who, by Adam’s accounts, was dangerous. Well, if Adam was looking to make an issue about my bad choices, I wouldn’t give him any fuel. “I don’t owe you any explanations. I don’t owe you anything.”
“Erin!”
“You want me to say it?”
I could see the weight of his plea in his eyes.
He nodded stiffly, once.
“Not sure you deserve the satisfaction.” I stepped around him, searching for the rest of my things, hating that my attraction for him had turned into another Spanish Inquisition. “Why did you bother to come and get me anyway? I sure as hell didn’t ask you to drive there last night, or were you just conveniently patrolling the neighborhood again?”
He snagged my arm. “Why Al’s, Erin? Fucking answer me!”
His words cracked me like a whip, casting an instant icy chill through the air. My hands started to tremble. I was barely holding it together as it was, feeling wrung out and stripped of my stability. Without recourse, I pulled out of his hand and snapped. “You! Is that what you want to hear? That I was hoping to find or see… you. Okay?”
I swiped an errant tear, hating that I’d been reduced to this emotional mess. “My… my uncle died yesterday. So did a little four-year-old girl who was doing nothing but playing in the snow. She died right in my fucking hands.” I heard my own voice crack, pinched with renewed pain to the point where I could barely speak. The sights, the sounds, the feelings of utter failure from yesterday barraged me all at once. “You satisfied now?”
I watched his face fall.
“They took him off life support and I watched him take his last breath.” My purse slipped off my shoulder and thudded on the floor. “I didn’t… I didn’t know where else to go.”
His feet ate up the space between us. Seconds later, I was in his arms, his warmth seeping into my skin from his intense embrace. His hands pressed into the center of my back, into my hair, pulling me in even closer. It was hard to tell where he ended and I began.
“Oh, babe, I didn’t know.”
Even his warm breath on my hair felt like a soothing balm on my tattered spirit.
He hugged me tighter, placing kisses on the top of my head. “I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.”
I hated that my cheek fit perfectly on the broad plane of his chest. Desperation for some much-needed sympathy had me gripping his shirt as if it were a lifeline.
“I just thought you went out to party last night. I didn’t know something bad had happened. Oh, babe, forgive me. I didn’t know. I swear. I’ll get you through this, though. I promise. We’ll get through this.”
I wanted so badly to believe him. “Please don’t make me promises.”
Adam heaved out a sigh. “I should have knocked on your door, Erin. I wanted to.” He pulled me back far enough to look down at me; his eyes were so sincere. “Know that I wanted to so fucking badly, okay?”
Harsh reality was warring with my need for comfort. I knew I should leave but I was too busy crying. “Yeah, but you didn’t.”
Adam’s eyes closed. “I know I owe you some explanations.”
“I figured you were done with me or that I did or said something wrong.”
“Far from it. This is all on me.” The pad of his thumb skated lightly over my cheek. “I’m sorry I got angry. It’s just certain things bring up bad memories.”
Boy, could I relate.
“Tell me how you got this bruise. Did you get into a fight or something?”
I needed to rest my head back on his chest. Things just seemed so much better there. “No. I got kicked by a patient. A drugged-up hooker, actually.” I sniffed, catching a wonderful whiff of Adam at the same time. “Her tox levels were so high I’m surprised she was able to move at all.”
Adam’s thumb wiped away some tears. I heard his tiny laugh, though I knew he wasn’t laughing at me.
I rubbed the spot on my face where his fingers just were. “She caught me with the front of her boot.”
“Her hooker boots?” He chuckled softly.
“Yeah, her crack-whore hooker boots,” I mumbled into his chest. “It’s not funny.”
“I know.” He twisted all of my hair into one roll and moved it out of his way.
I melted when his fingers massaged my neck, running along the sore tendons like a seasoned pro, lulling me into an instant stupor. I had to get away from him before he eviscerated my heart. “I need to go home.”
“I want you to stay.”
“I need a shower,” I grumbled, wiping my cheek.
“So go take a shower.”
“You have my car keys.” The sensation of his thumb pressing harder into my achy muscles felt like heaven. “You keep doing that I’m gonna fall asleep.”
“So go back to bed,” he murmured near my ear.
“Why didn’t you knock on my door, Adam? You were there.”
I felt his chest rise and fall. “I don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure that one out myself.”
His words crushed me. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I pushed off of his chest, trying to put some space in between us. I had nothing left in me. The last guy to tell me he needed to figure out our relationship was fucking a Radiologist while he did it. “I have to go.”
Adam pulled me back in, gripping me by my upper arms. He was so much stronger than me and, in my weakened state, his hold was unbreakable. “I’m done letting you go, Erin. Made that mistake too many times now. You want to go back to sleep, go crawl back into my bed. You need to chill, pick one of my couches. But you’re not walking out that door without a fight.”
“Please don’t mess with me.” I was close to cracking. “I can’t take much more.”
Adam’s hand rested on my throat; his thumb pushed my chin up. I had no choice but to look at him. His eyes searched mine. Something heavy was weighing on him, too. “I came for you last night because I can’t stop thinking about you, no matter how hard I try. You’re not just some girl to me and honestly, I just needed some time to figure it out.”
His answer sounded reasonable; still it was a bit unsettling. I’d read enough self-help books and seen enough sappy movies to know that a guy who’s truly interested in you makes time to be with you or at least makes his presence known.
Adam did neither.
The hopeful romantic inside me that twined daisies and paper hearts together all day jumped with glee, elated to hear that he had set me apart from any other. The other part, the sobering, rational, and skeptical part, was telling me to run before it was too late. What would happen if he changed his mind again?
Another half-assed relationship with someone who couldn’t commit to it was the last thing I needed. “We’ve had two dates, Adam, neither of which ended very well. I don’t know what’s left to figure out. You’ve just said you’ve been trying to forget me. That sort of says it all.”
The implications of that admission hit me like a physical blow to the chest, ripping the protective shell around the insecure woman inside, cutting a fresh wound across my heart. He wasn’t the first man to make me feel unwanted. I felt the tears of rejection pool in my eyes. “Being with someone shouldn’t be such a hard decision. I get that you’re not sure. Neither am I. It’s too risky to take such leaps of faith with someone you don’t really know. And I sure as hell haven’t asked you for anything, but either you want to see me or you don’t. It’s just that simple.”
>
I stepped away from him, but he stopped me. “I just told you I do.”
I tried to wriggle out of his hands. “Sounds like you’re still trying to convince yourself.”
His fingers constricted into my arms just deep enough to tell me he was serious. “Go ahead and try to leave if you want to test me.”
The rebel in me tested his hold instead. “What about what I want?”
His fingers relented ever so slightly, but still he didn’t let go. “I know what you want. It’s what every woman wants.”
His arrogance annoyed me. “You think you have it all figured out. Well you don’t. You have no clue about what I want.”
He grit his teeth. “Like hell I don’t. The question really is if you’re the one I want to give it to.”
I jerked my arm back. “Well let me know when you’ve made up your mind.”
He snagged my hip and threaded his other hand into my hair, bringing us nose to nose. “You’re not the only one in the middle of a head fuck. Your yesterday was far worse than mine, but that doesn’t mean we both can’t take the time to think things over. I’ve never met anyone like you before, Erin. I needed some time to process that. And before that smart mouth of yours hits me with another comeback, how’s this for a final answer?”
I was stunned for all of about two seconds, trying to determine if he’d just given me an admission or a confession, before his head tilted and his lips covered mine.
The messages his mouth conveyed drilled right into my core. It was want and desperate need and unbridled desire mixed with a plethora of unspoken promises all worth exploring.
Adam’s fingers tightened on my scalp while I took every one of his throaty moans and gave back my own.
The need to protect my heart didn’t seem so important anymore as I clutched his shirt in my hands. He was giving me an answer and shutting down my worries all at the same time, making a serious effort to make his point irrefutable.
And that’s when I realized when he was kissing me, none of the senselessness seemed to exist. It was as if he had the power to erase all of the doubts he’d placed in my mind and replace them with the promise of hope.
My mind began to feel cleansed of all its pain and sorrow, allowing me to simply be.