by Tina Reber
She was sitting on the very edge of the couch, tension and apprehension and that womanly consternation making each of her movements very deliberate. I kept reminding myself to take it slow, test the waters, see how receptive she was.
One step at a time, Adam.
I grabbed the remote and slid behind her, sprawling out on the wide couch. I wanted to feel her close to me. The dying man inside me was starving for it.
I grabbed a few pillows and crammed them under my head, making sure to make a spot for her. “You’ve been through enough. Kick back. Relax. Let’s watch some TV.”
She turned to look at me. “I should get going. I have to figure out why I lost my fellowship.”
Thinking about her running out, running away, nearly set me into a panic. I wasn’t willing to let her go just yet. “Your boss going to be there?”
“No, but maybe I can get answers somewhere else. Maybe one of the other committee members is in. Why they told Randy, Doctor Mason, first and not me… I don’t know. I just have to get to the bottom of this.”
I held her firm. “I think it’s shitty that they didn’t give you an official reason. Hearing something so important second hand, well… So how did this other woman find out before you?”
Erin gazed at the floor. “Good question.”
“I don’t know how things work with hospital administration, but unless I hear it directly from my commanding officer, it’s usually just rumors. People running their mouths.”
She rubbed her forehead. “And I just talked to Doctor Wilson about it a few days ago.”
“Doctor Wilson?”
“My boss,” she said. “Review committee isn’t supposed to even meet for another few weeks, that’s why I’m so confused.”
I nudged her back, getting her to lean on me. “Sound like that nurse or whatever was feeding you a line of bullshit.”
Erin nodded. “I think you’re right.”
“I usually am.”
She rolled her eyes. “Doctor Wilson will be in on Monday. I’ll just have to wait until then, I guess.”
I grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and shook it open. “Good. Then you’ll get answers on Monday. So for now, just relax. C’mere.” It took a tiny bit of coaxing, but she relented pretty quickly. I pulled her down, curling her body into my chest, feeling her warmth seep into my aching soul. I wasn’t sure who needed who more here. Her or me?
I tossed the blanket over us, making sure she wasn’t going anywhere, not while I had her finally in my arms. I twined my fingers with hers and placed a small kiss on her shoulder. It felt so natural. “Rest, babe. It will all work out. I promise.”
FOR THE FIRST time in a long time, I couldn’t remember my dream. I wasn’t sure if I even had one beyond feeling as if I’d been floating on a cloud; the sweet nothingness was such a relief. The large flat screen TV was on, though the volume was very low. I tested my unwilling legs, giving them a needed stretch, feeling something rigid underneath my feet.
A warm body stirred behind me, a pair of legs shifted with mine, and I remembered I was far from alone. I didn’t feel that private ache deep within my heart, either—that hollowness that stemmed from wondering if I’d ever be here, like this, within the tender embrace of someone special.
His deep exhale was followed by a large hand tensing on my ribs and sock-clad feet brushing over mine; and though I couldn’t see him yet in the soft light and the haze of my unfocused eyes, it sounded as though he was waking up along with me.
When I laid my head down on this pillow, I knew I’d be safe and cared for, despite the troubles that plagued my mind.
Adam’s arms were holding me just tightly enough to let me know that the man behind me didn’t want me to go anywhere.
I tried not to think about anything else but the incredible body pressed against mine, the slow hand sliding over my stomach, the unsaid messages he was conveying with a careful touch.
That little voice of doubt most women harbor tried to remind me not to read into this too much, not to get my hopes up, for I knew how quickly the presumed bliss could turn to cold abandonment. I tried to squash her, that annoying niggle, because the soft kiss he’d just placed on my exposed neck was enough to engulf me.
I ran my hand over the top of his, feeling the warmth of flesh and the roughness of his manly skin and a million tiny impulses of our growing connection, and as if he could read me, our fingers slid together, his thicker digits curling around mine.
Could I dare to allow myself to hope once again?
Adam’s cheek nuzzled my hair, his lips brushed the edge of my ear, and my entire body tingled to life. I needed to see him, to know if he was real and not just some very vivid fantasy concocted in my lonely brain.
Sleepy milk-chocolate eyes greeted me, and his gaze was so focused, so sincere, so filled with what I could only hope was desire, I was lost in that sense of falling.
His hand softly brushed my hair back while he just looked at me, and I felt stripped bare and open to the possibilities and wondering if this amazing feeling could last a lifetime.
I wanted him to kiss me and was thinking about making the first move, but he beat me to it. Just the mere thought of his amazing mouth on mine took my breath away.
His kiss was light at first, full lips coving mine, but it was enough to pull me under his spell. His soft suck on my upper lip, a wordless call, made me open my eyes. His eyes were opened too, speaking a thousand silent messages just for me.
Before I could capture my next breath his lips were back on mine, hungry—starving actually—just like mine were for him.
My fingers threaded through his short hair, tickling my skin, while the rest of my body lit on fire. His tongue was hypnotic, luring me to plot how I could get more of him inside me without appearing like an easy piece of ass.
Part of me didn’t care.
The part of me that had been starved for this passionate affection wanted to pull his shirt off and wrap my legs around his hips and take my fill.
My mother’s ancient words of buying cows and getting milk for free and lectures of never cheapening myself swirled about, making that ridiculous girl inside my thoughts question how far this might go. I hated that my insecurities chose this moment of all moments to make an appearance and dampen the overpowering lust swirling about.
Adam’s hand slid over my hip, cupping my rear.
I could feel his erection in his jeans; it was hard and ready and probably pulsing in time with my heart. His fingers found the opening where his T-shirt separated from my stomach and just the simple touch sent jolts of awareness right through my body.
His hand eventually stopped directly below my breast and that’s where it stayed while he kissed me. Just his close proximity to the underwire of my bra was driving me slightly insane. I’d never been this turned on, this alive, this needy, and the way he devoured my mouth made me wonder if he wasn’t in the same exact spot with me.
I wanted to feel his hands on me; willed it, actually. As if he could sense my unspoken need, the tips of his fingers brushed lightly over my breast, and my body instantly bowed.
“Is this okay?” he asked while rolling a fingertip around my hard nipple over and over again, pausing his kiss long enough to check for my answer but never separating his lips too far from mine. His soft, teasing touch sent wave after wave of heat down into my core, rendering me unable to breathe let alone speak.
“Yes or no, Erin.”
His polar question left no room for ambiguity, while his fingers continued on their path of sensual assault, lacing my body with many promising outcomes. I nodded.
“I want to hear you say it,” he softly demanded, rolling and tugging my nipple between his thumb and fingers.
Sensations zinged, awakening more need. My answer came out in a breathless rush. “Yes.”
Adam smiled right before his head dipped; his mouth moved to kissing the lower part of my jaw. His tongue circled mine again, luring me in. “I want t
o touch you,” he said in my mouth, “and taste you. And fuck you senseless.”
The wanton whore inside me loved that idea.
“But I don’t want to rush you.”
My body arched into his hand while several years of gross anatomy had me questioning whether or not it was possible for all the nerve endings in my breast to be directly connected to my vagina. He had set my body aflame; how could I possibly not feel rushed when my insides have turned into a live wire screaming for release?
“You have the power here, Erin. You get uncomfortable, just tell me to stop, okay?”
The last thing I wanted was for him to stop. It had been too long. I put my hand atop of his, warring with myself whether I should encourage him or slow this down, hoping he’d just take away my choice and lead me to places unnamed, to where this pleasure would never end.
My shirt pushed up; the cup of my lacy bra was pulled down, and talented fingers tugged and pulled and twisted while the pressure built to unmanageable levels.
Careful, lust-filled eyes scanned over my face while he put my bra cup back into place, making me wonder if he was second guessing this turning into more. His hand slid down my back and under the drawstring waistband, cupping my bare ass, pulling my leg over his.
“No underwear?” he growled, moaning in my mouth.
I shuddered when his fingertips brushed over the seam of my ass, delving farther and deeper.
Oh God.
“I didn’t have any spares,” I confessed.
Adam definitely liked that answer, laughing lightly. His fingers worked deeper, skating through the wetness from my extreme arousal, circling, swirling, driving me insane with need, until he shifted underneath me, pulling my leg and lifting my hips so I was straddling him.
He rolled his stiff erection back and forth under me, working our hips in unison. Didn’t take him long to pull my shirt up and off. He cupped my breasts, teasing them through the black lace, slipping the straps of my bra until they fell off my shoulders.
He pulled me down for a kiss and effortlessly opened the clasp, raking the fabric off with his fingers.
“I want you. All of you,” he said in my mouth, flinging my bra to the floor.
Adam sat up enough to pull his shirt off, exposing his tight stomach and those erotic tribal tattoos. Black ink intricately designed thick braids of rope, which coiled around both biceps like hungry snakes. I wanted to trace them with my tongue but as I started, he grasped my breast, taking my nipple in his mouth.
I gasped from the onslaught of sensations, drifting further when his hand found its way back into my sweat pants.
Hearing him moan while toying with my body was such a heady turn on. With little effort, he rolled me next to him, my foot landed on the large ottoman behind me. His finger slipped up inside me, spreading me open for his bidding, fucking me slowly while he took my mouth. His thumb drove me to madness, circling my clit, working my body into an all-out frenzy.
It didn’t take long. My orgasm ripped through my body, making me cry out in his mouth as he kissed me.
I collapsed onto his chest with his fingers still inside me, milking every possible bit of overwhelming sensations.
God that felt so good.
He gave me a lascivious and very self-assured smile, then pressed my head to his warm chest. His hand felt so soothing as it stroked lightly over my naked back while I listened to the soft cadence of his heartbeat.
My own heart was still hammering in my chest.
Adam placed a lingering kiss on my forehead before commanding my lips again. “You okay?”
No. Yes. I was far from okay.
My body was still twitching with aftershocks.
I was also mere inches away from the zipper of his jeans and the very tempting bulge lying in wait.
Adding to my list, this gorgeous man named Adam Trent was sprawled out underneath me, partially naked, very, very hard, and in complete control of both my body and my heart.
I tried to catch my breath and managed a sated “yeah” instead.
Adam’s smile was devastating.
“Good.” He kissed me quickly and urged me to get off him. “Let’s get up.”
No! I didn’t want to move. I was cozy and comfortable right where I was, swirling in my post-orgasm haze. His sweatpants fell down my hips when I crawled off and stood. I scrambled to pull them up, suddenly very aware of my nakedness. I looked around for my discarded shirt, wondering why he disrupted our interlude.
“Come on,” he said, reaching for me. I retied the drawstring at my waist and grabbed my shirt and bra up off the floor. He left me no time to dress, towing me toward the steps.
I slowed him down before he could climb the first stair. “Where are we going?”
“My bedroom,” he said without regard. I covered my chest with his shirt, wondering if I was ready for all of this.
I think he sensed my subconscious hesitation. Concerned but thoughtful chocolate-brown eyes gazed down at me. “I wanted you from the first moment I set eyes on you, Erin. And the first time I make love to you isn’t going to be on a couch.”
My mouth fell open.
“If you don’t want me like that, say so now. Otherwise I’m going to keep walking up those steps and I’m not stopping until you’re completely naked and giving yourself to me.”
His directness made me smile.
“That’s what I thought.”
I had to hurry behind him to keep up.
He closed his bedroom door behind us and stalked toward me. I felt trapped, caught in the lion’s den, about to be eaten. He stopped in front of me and gave me a light kiss. “Give me a minute.”
A rush of exhilaration whirled through me just watching his commanding gait as he walked off into his master bath. It seemed as though everything Adam did was with either purpose or conviction, making me question if he’s even aware of his masterful presence. Doubt, as always, crept back into my thoughts, leaving me to ponder how I got so fortunate to be this intimately close with him. Surely he has flaws, doesn’t he?
It would make me feel so much better about myself if he did. I’d been weak-kneed and all doe-eyed since that first kiss, and as a reminder I touched my lips.
I heard the toilet flush and the sink water running, and my nerves pricked in anticipation. I quickly threw his black shirt on, feeling too vulnerable, too exposed. I tugged the shirt as long as it would go, and then tugged once more for good measure. Needs of another kind spurred me into action now, glad that he was finished in there. His sudden smile at seeing me was enough to level me where I stood.
“My turn,” I said, making light of the fact that I needed to pee in the worst way and then assure myself that all of that, from before, didn’t funk up the works down below.
His fingers lightly drifted over my arm before cinching me in place. His nose drifted over mine. “Don’t take too long, Doc.”
“I’ll try not to.”
Deft fingers pulled the drawstring holding my sweatpants up, and I felt frozen, unable to move, mesmerized under his intense gaze.
If only I could live a thousand years in his eyes.
His fingertips skated over my bare hips, down the slope of my ass, sending a ripple of goose bumps all over as he uncovered my skin.
God, I want you.
“You won’t be needing these,” he said as he pushed the soft jersey away. A tangle of sweat pants pooled around my ankles while the sudden nip of fresh air on my legs made me shiver.
His foot landed between my legs. “Step,” he instructed.
I pulled my feet out one foot at a time.
He took my bare rear end in a possessive hold and drifted his mouth down my neck, nipping my collarbone with his teeth while I untangled myself from my discarded sweats.
“Hurry,” he whispered across my lips.
Behind the closed bathroom door, I was another story, needing the separation to calm myself. “Here I am, Adam, all naked and ready to be fucked!” seemed like a bad way
to start off our first time together.
First time.
Just those two words alone set things in motion that once done could not be undone. The pre-med version of myself skipped back into view, wagging her finger at me to not be such an easy slut like we were that day virginity made her final exit.
I’d had a few first times with a couple of other guys since then, and although I’d felt wanted and desired by them, those encounters paled in comparison to the intensity at which Adam conveyed those messages.
Adam had put me in motion, making my body respond to his every command, taking away my need to choose.
There was a part of me that was actually relieved by that. Like when we were getting my new license plate, Adam just took control. He was bossy. In charge. Strangely though, I liked it. No, I loved it. Randy never took command; he sort of fell on my sofa and just made himself at home.
The first time Randy and I had sex we were a bit drunk. We’d been out partying with a couple of other residents and a handful of ER nurses, blowing off steam drinking beers and tossing back endless rounds of shots while listening to ear-pounding music.
It was awkward—that first time. We were sloppy, smacking our heads together in our hurry. Every encounter with Randy after that was a race to the finish, never taking the time to really appreciate the journey. He never took the time, which left my confidence shattered that I wasn’t worthy.
Ever since the trial fourteen years ago, I’d been living with guilt, feeling punished and isolated and heartbroken. How many lonely nights would I have to spend atoning for my sins? I’d poured every ounce of energy into my studies and career goals, hoping one day I might be able to redeem myself and find forgiveness, save an innocent life before it was too late.
If I couldn’t save them, how could I save myself?
I glanced at my reflection in the mirror, wondering where the last eight years of my life had gone. Med school and residency had taken their toll, rushing time in fast-forward, putting everything else in my life into second place. Wanting a relationship now and actually achieving one were also two very separate things. Adam was like a decadent dessert I didn’t quite deserve but so desperately craved.