You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News
Page 6
The man who toyed with crocodiles was scared shitless of hippos.
5. DUCK-BILLED PLATYPUS (ORNITHORHYNCHUS ANATINUS)
How cute!
We don’t even know where to begin.
This is an animal so deliriously ridiculous, biologists refused to believe it could possibly be anything but an elaborate hoax when it was first discovered.
And we honestly can’t blame them. There’s the thick, furry body with a flat, beaverlike tail and otterlike feet. Then there’s the matter of the big leathery duck bill and the fact that they lay eggs, and it’s suddenly more than a little weird, because that’s … that’s not really supposed to happen to mammals.
There are less-apparent sources of ridiculousness, like the very high degree of electroreceptivity in that bill, which helps the platypus find food buried in the silt. Like a hammerhead shark’s head, only instead of being terrifying-looking eye protrusions, it’s a goofy-looking duck bill. Maybe that’s a little weird, as in creepy, but so? Their babies are usually referred to as platypups or puggles! Puggles!
Oh shit! Run!
And, they are poisonous.
Male platypuses have a pair of spurs on their hind legs that they use when dueling other male platypuses for mating rights. They deliver a brutal dose of venom that will put a human being into the emergency room and, according to an article in the Journal of Neurophysiology, can leave you writhing in muscle-impaired agony for months.
In other words, the platypus is Mother Nature’s way of saying, “I made this thing out of spare parts I found on the workshop floor, and it can still cripple you.”
4. DINGO (CANIS LUPUS DINGO)
Dingo! What a silly name! It’s like a Warner Bros. cartoon character or what a baby might call his penis before he knows the word.
And they’re adorable. If a dingo was behind a clear plastic wall at a pet shop, we’d take him home in a heartbeat. We’d name him Bandit and put a red bandanna around his neck. We’d take him out to the lake in a pickup truck, and he’d hang his head out the window as we drove.
If we died, he’d lie down on our graves and just howl away for the rest of his life.
Bandit would be the best dog there ever was.
Oh shit! Run!
We can practically feel you trying to reach out to give Bandit a scratch behind the ear so he knows what a good boy he’s being but, seriously, stop!
As much as he looks like a puppy, and as silly as his name is, that is a wild, as in untamed, as in feral, meaning “thoroughly and completely a dangerous and unpredictable,” animal.
Wild dogs are inquisitive, intelligent predators that travel in packs, which means there are several of them and they all think fair fight means “we outnumber the hell out of you.” If you do a Google search for dingo, you’ll notice the results all repeat the same sentiment ad nauseam:
Do not attempt to pet the dingo. Do not attempt to play with the dingo. Do not let a dingo play with your infant!
Fraser Island in Australia’s population of 160 dingos has generated four hundred documented attacks on humans, killing a boy in 2001.
One other number to keep in mind when you go to pet that dingo: seven thousand. That’s how many years of breeding and training it took to make your pet dog a tame and cuddly canine. This is not your pet dog.
3. CHIMPANZEE (PAN TROGLODYTES)
How cute!
It’s that grin, that huge, toothy grin they flash for the cameras. It makes them look like devilish little scamps, like they have some great and hilarious secret they cannot wait to share. If you put a chimp in front of a camera with an action star, you have no choice but to prepare for a wild, wacky romp that will tug your heartstrings and tickle your funny bone until you vomit your entire digestive system in pure laugh-a-minute glee.
Oh shit! Run!
That is not a grin. That is a mouthful of very large teeth being bared. The chimp is attempting to inform you that you are invading his space. If you do not understand this, the chimp would be happy to elaborate—smashing his very long and extremely strong arms about your head and shoulders, grabbing your hair and slamming your head into things, all while shrieking a vicious symphony of noise that is calling all his buddies over to beat you until you cannot grow anymore. Then they pelt you with feces.
On four recorded occasions in the past fifty years, chimpanzees have abducted, killed, and eaten human babies. That’s human with an h, as in a human baby getting wrenched out of its mother’s arms, dragged off into the forest, and devoured by a chimp.
Will you please stop dressing them in cowboy outfits now?
2. SWAN (CYGNUS OLOR AND SEVERAL OTHER SPECIES)
How cute!
Such poise. Such grace. The way they glide effortlessly across the water. That unmistakable curve to their necks that forms a perfect heart when they nuzzle with their mates, which they will stay with for the rest of their lives.
Oh shit! Run!
Getting chased through a park by a furious bird that will not stop trying to rip the skin off your bones is only funny until it happens to you. Yes, swans are aggressive as hell. The Michigan Department of Natural Resources had to issue a swan warning in 2008 after “rogue swans” began attacking people on jet skis and motorboats. In Ireland, it is not uncommon for university rowing teams to cancel practice because there is a swan in the river. Rowing teams tend to be composed of men who are built like very large trees.
Among the useful information in the Michigan report: Swans will “fly up over and try to keep something underwater if they perceive it as a threat.” Swans cannot be shooed away like mallards, preferring instead to “defend their territory forever.” It’s not all bad news though! Of the many swan species, the only one that hates you is the mute swan, which you’ll be able to identify by its ability to sneak up on you without a sound.
Just like that girl in history class who you thought was the single most beautiful woman you’d ever seen, who you mooned over for months and left little notes for, it turns out swans are now and have always been vicious bitches who will not hesitate to snap your fingers off one by one for daring to pollute their presence before going off to laugh with all their friends about what a huge loser you are.
1. BOTTLENOSE DOLPHIN (TURSIOPS TRUNCATUS)
How cute!
No way. These guys save humans. Every other year or so, some diver or swimmer gets lost out at sea and these adorable creatures bring them home. Hell, in November of 2004 a bunch of these guys banded together and saved three lifeguards from a great white shark off the coast of New Zealand.
This is the only animal in the world that Americans feel proud of not eating. This is Flipper.
Oh shit! Run!
And it turns out they’re sex-crazed thrill killers. How’s that for a plot twist?
For the last seventeen years or so, marine biologists have been finding dead baby dolphins and porpoises washing up ashore, “mangled in unexpected ways.”
The discovery that bottlenose dolphins were occasionally viciously reconfiguring their own children wasn’t really all that much of a big deal. It was what the dolphins were doing to the porpoises that entered the domain of the seriously messed up.
Thirteen-foot male bottlenose dolphins were hunting down and beating porpoises to death and then playing with their corpses, all for no apparent reason. At the time of this writing, the majority opinion in the marine science community is that this breathtakingly savage interspecies homicide is for—and this is science—shits ‘n’ giggles.
And then there’s the case of Tiao, the male bottlenose that lived off the coast of Sao Paulo, Brazil, and was noted to be fond of humans. People flocked to the beach to swim or have their picture taken with him, until he suddenly went berserk, injuring a handful of humans and killing a grown-ass man.
Sure, some accounts say the man was drunk and was actively trying to shove a stick into the dolphin’s blowhole at the time. And several locals had apparently first tried to drag it out of the water s
o they could take a picture with it, maybe first dressing it up with a top hat and monocle.
And here, of course, we have arrived at our lesson: When dealing with animals, you need to forget everything you learned from cartoons. Otherwise, the results can be deadly.
FIVE STORIES ABOUT JESUS’S CHILDHOOD THEY HAD TO CUT FROM THE BIBLE (TO AVOID AN NC-17 RATING)
THE Gospels that made it into the Bible pretty much skip from the birth of Jesus Christ to his adulthood, but there are other documents that chronicle the adventures of Jesus Christ: Boy Wonder. They’re part of something called the New Testament Apocrypha, a series of books deemed unfit for inclusion due to concerns over the message they’d send or, in some cases, the number of faces they’d melt with their sheer awesomeness. Most of the stories are pretty normal fare—healing lepers and raising the dead—but some are so insane that we learn that the answer to, What would Jesus do? is whatever the hell he wants.
5. JESUS CHRIST: DRAGONMASTER
The New Testament didn’t just descend from the skies onto newsstands the morning after Jesus ascended to heaven. The twenty-seven books in modern Christian Bibles weren’t declared official until over three hundred years after Jesus walked the earth. By that time, thousands of sayings and stories about Jesus’s life had to be left on the cutting-room floor. Such was the case of the Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew. The name comes from the fact that it’s basically an extended director’s cut of the Gospel of Matthew that made the Bible, covering most of the same territory save for one regrettably deleted scene.
Two years after Jesus was born, King Herod got word of a child being called the “king of the Jews” and ordered that all two-year-old male children in Bethlehem be killed to protect his throne (making Herod the first, and last, member of the controversial “kill all babies” political platform). But God managed to warn Joseph in time, and the family fled before Herod’s men arrived. You probably knew all that. What you may not have known is that on their way to Egypt, Jesus and his family stopped to rest in a cave, which, to their surprise, was populated by a herd of dragons (what do you call a group of dragons? A flock? A pride? A concert?) Actual scaly, fire-breathing, winged lizard-dragons.
And, lo, suddenly there came forth from the cave many dragons; and when the children saw them, they cried out in great terror. Then Jesus went down from the bosom of His mother, and stood on His feet before the dragons; and they adored Jesus, and thereafter retired.
—The Gospel of Pseudo-Matthew, chapter 18
That’s right: The Bible could have included a passage detailing how Jesus Christ totally gave the cold shoulder to a dragon army. At first glance, this seems like a pretty baffling omission. Jesus Christ, dragon tamer, would have been pretty effective when converting metal heads and fourteen-year-old boys.
Jesus melts someone with his laser vision.
It makes a lot more sense if you believe that God was handling editorial duties. Jesus totally could have used his dragon-taming powers to sick an invincible hell-beast armada on Herod’s ass. That’s what the God from the Old Testament would have done. If our son squandered powers that awesome, and we were editing his biography, we’d probably skip that part too.
4. JESUS TAKES POOLS OF WATER VERY SERIOUSLY
Written in the early second century, around the same time most scholars date the four Gospels in the Bible, the Infancy Gospel of Thomas picks up the story a few years after the dragon taming. Back in Nazareth now, five-year-old Jesus was playing beside a small brook with some other children, forming pools of water to make clay (because fun had yet to be invented). Jesus formed some sparrows out of the clay and, since he was not the figurine-collecting type, decided to give the sculptures life, and off they flew on his command. One of the children playing with Jesus saw this and, rather than thinking, “Holy shit! That kid can create life with a word, I should probably not walk up behind him and start splashing his pools with a stick,” instead walked up behind him and started splashing his pools with a stick. And Christ just goes apeshit:
“O evil, ungodly, and foolish one, what hurt did the pools and the waters do thee? Behold, now also thou shalt be withered like a tree, and shalt not bear leaves, neither root, nor fruit.” And straightway that lad withered up wholly.
—Infancy Gospel of Thomas, chapter 3, verses 2-3
And, like the Nazi archaeologist in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, the boy started aging rapidly and withered away. Sure, it would’ve been easier just to kill the kid, but this is Jesus Christ we’re talking about here. He’s not just gonna up and waste some kid.
3. JESUS CHRIST UP AND WASTES SOME KID
In Thomas’s version of events, later that same day, as he was casually strolling around town, running divine errands, another boy accidentally bumped into Jesus on the street. So what would Jesus do? He’d probably use his divine presence to heal the boy of being friggin’ clumsy, right? Let’s see:
Jesus was provoked and said unto him “Thou shalt not finish thy course.” And immediately he fell down and died.
—Infancy Gospel of Thomas, chapter 4, verse 1
We … He probably … No. Wait. He just murdered a kid for brushing against him? Was Jesus a Crip? Far be it from us to question the judgment of the Son of God, but being sentenced to death for scuffing Christ’s sandals seems excessive. Maybe if the kid had been walking exceedingly slow right in the center of the sidewalk so he couldn’t get past him and was just obliviously yakking away on his cell phone while, like, eight people stuck behind him were trying to get somewhere and seriously if you would just move four inches to one side we could get past and GODDAMN IT DON’T STOP SO THAT WE ALMOST RUN INTO YOU. OH, AND JUST TO STARE SLACK-JAWED AT A TABLOID ON THE NEWSPAPER KIOSK, YOU SON OF A BITCH—maybe that’s a walking crime worthy of divine capital punishment. But wasting a kid because he touches your arm? Jesus was like a bully in an eighties high school movie, if they had been able to murder people with words.
2. JESUS CHRIST: SNAKE EXPLODER
By now Jesus is dominating Nazareth like Lord Humungus dominates The Road Warrior‘s wasteland. The local children feared him so intensely, they adopted him as their king and acted as his bodyguards—forcing everyone who passed through town to come and worship him. One day a group of men came by carrying a small child, and they refused to follow a group of terrified children just for the honor of worshipping their bully king. Jesus catches wind of this and asks exactly what it is they’re doing that’s so important they can’t reserve some time for random child worship. They explain that the boy they’re carrying was bitten by a snake and is near death, and would he mind it terribly if he took his boot off of their necks because they’re so, so sorry? Jesus Christ (more sci-fi war-lord than beacon of forgiveness in this version of the Bible), says simply, “Let us go and kill that serpent,” and storms off into the woods to do what he does best: extravagant murder.
Then the Lord Jesus calling the serpent, it presently came forth and submitted to him; to whom he said, “Go and suck out all the poison which thou hast infused into that boy”; so the serpent crept to the boy, and took away all its poison again. Then the Lord Jesus cursed the serpent so that it immediately burst asunder, and died.
—First Gospel of Infancy, chapter 18, verses 13-16
Even after he acquiesces to Jesus’s demands, the snake is still blown to crap by the power of God for doing what’s in its nature? Holy shit!
1. AND THEN JESUS SAID UNTO THEM: SNITCHES GET STITCHES
By now the parents of Nazareth were understandably upset: Jesus was walking around town ruining little kids like a bad divorce. So they gave Joseph an ultimatum: Either Jesus learns to use his powers for good, or the family has to leave town. Considering that, by this point, Jesus has killed more kids than a Willy Wonka tour group, that sounded pretty reasonable. But Christ ain’t tolerating no narcs up in yore:
Jesus said, “I know that these thy words are not thine: nevertheless for thy sake I will hold my peace: but they shall bear their p
unishment.” And straightway they that accused him were smitten with blindness.
—Infancy Gospel of Thomas, chapter 5, verse 1
And that was the last straw: Joseph finally decided to discipline his son. But what do you do in response to a list of crimes more befitting a Grand Theft Auto sequel than a holy child? Grounding? Caning? Imprisonment?
None of the above.
Joseph “grabbed [Jesus’s] ear” and “wrung it til it was sore.” You may laugh, but in the end Jesus does end up uncursing everybody; just not out of some well-deserved sense of remorse or the slightest hint of empathy or anything. Eventually, a local teacher starts frantically screaming to everybody that Jesus Christ is probably God, after a Good Will Hunting-style display of intelligence at his Nazareth grade school (funny, you’d think the boy’s ability to kill with words would have clued everyone in sooner).
So now that the secret’s out (the kid laying siege to entire countries with his superpowers is—surprise—extraordinary), Jesus figures he may as well reverse all the death and destruction because, hey, once you get your propers, there’s just no reason to blast them bitches no more.
If you take one thing away from this, let it be that Jesus Christ wasn’t born the Gandhi-like paragon of peace you know him as—he’s more like a reformed con: sick of the game because he lived it too hard, for too long.
If there are two things that you take away from this, let the second be that the power of Christ is terrifying. Sure, miracles like bread splitting or wine making might seem a bit dull, but that’s just because the Church decided that the part where Jesus became the snake-melting dragonmaster was a little too terrifying for your delicate sensibilities. You straight up can’t handle that much Jesus.