by Jan Harman
A boot thumped onto the bench. So much for ignoring him in hopes that he’d go away. I swung around and had to crane my neck back to return Shadow’s hostile glare. Now that I knew Shade better, I noticed right off the subtle differences in the twins’ faces. The harsher angles in Shade’s face gave him a don’t mess with me air that I suspected went well with his diamond status. His lips were slightly fuller and his eyes not quite as wide set upon his face. Lean and more than capable of being hard, the effect was softened by his warm, easy smile. Like usual, Shadow’s mouth was scowling. I had no reason to expect a smile in the near or distant future.
For me, their eyes were their most telling feature. Rather than coming off as cold and distant, Shade’s crystal blue with their predominance of white rays cut smoothly to the heart of my troubles. Compassion to spare mixed with a fierceness of devotion projected from compelling depths that masked the motives of a fascinating man. In contrast, Shadow’s warmer turquoise coloring—more green than blue under the hazy, late afternoon sky—appeared judgmental with underlying anger. The garnet stone brought up questions involving sibling issues. To be fair, I barely knew Shadow. At the moment, his disagreeable nature had me reconsidering this outing. I hoped Shade would hurry up and tear himself away from the blond, snow queen clinging to his arm.
For the harmony of the valley and in the spirit of the holidays, I pasted a bright smile on my face and said cheerfully, “Happy holidays to you too, Shadow. I’m sure you’ve family and friends that enjoy your company. Don’t let me keep you.”
“Think you’re so smart. I’ve got news for you, I see through your helpless, innocent façade. You’re nothing more than a silly, empty-headed girl amused at an older guy falling over himself at your every heart-wrenching whimper. Please! Can you be any more transparent?”
“At least I’m not a nasty piece of work that gets off on terrorizing someone in mourning.” His lips drew back into a snarl. I reached for my crutch intending to find better company, but he snatched it up.
“Girl, you give the dictionary a whole new entry under nasty. So what was the drama of the day, this time? You had poor Shade rolling in sometime after four a.m. still all worked up. Then he was at your place most of the day, leaving me to explain his absence to the festival committee. Give the poor guy a day off will you; it’s the holidays,” he said venomously.
“Shade is free to do whatever he wants. He’s a grown man, way past needing to check in to get his brother’s approval.”
“He’s your freaking slave! Did you have to sweep in here and ruin his life? Being warden wasn’t going to be enough attention? That’s right, he told me about the oaths. Shade was your brother’s friend, for crying out loud.”
“Speaking of friends, you were my brother’s friend, too. Although, what he ever saw in you, I’ll never know. How do you think Danny would feel, knowing you got off on being cruel to his little sister? I suggest you leave before Shade gets back. I’d hate to spoil his image of his brother or start an argument between you two before the holiday, so you can dump that on me, too.”
“Is that how you got to Shade, by throwing Danny into his face and dropping buckets of tears? Don’t try those tricks on me. I’ve got your number. You’re not going to twist me into knots. Mention Danny to me again and I’ll make it my purpose to make your days miserable.”
I thrust my quivering hands into my pockets, and matched his hard tone. “I’ll mention Danny whenever I want. You’ve got two choices. Close your ears or stay away from me. Do us both a favor, find a hobby.”
He stretched across the table until I could see the darker blue rim around the edge of his irises being overrun by a thick layer of white. “The way I see it, you’ve got two choices. Give my brother back his life, or I’ll get your claws out of him if I have to yank them out by any means necessary. In fact, why don’t you do the valley a favor and go back east until you grow up. From where I stand, no warden would be an improvement over a spoiled brat who’s going to get my brother killed,” he said, tossing my crutch onto the table so that it skidded and tumbled onto the bench with a clunk. Without another word he strode off towards the buffet tables.
Disappearing limbs and I’m, oh cool, let’s see more. But a heated conversation with a jerk and I’m an emotional wreck. So Shadow didn’t like me. That was his loss. So why was I blinking away stupid tears? If he was watching, expecting a scene, he’d be disappointed. I wasn’t going to indulge in another pity party. This bonfire was supposed to be fun. I jabbed my crutch into the snow and headed for the warmth of the fire.
I smiled at the group huddled by the fire, chatting and roasting marshmallows. They shifted over, so I slid into the vacant space. “It looks like it’s going to be a beautiful evening,” I said. The conversation died. Several people turned abruptly and walked away; the rest stared at their shoes then sort of peeled off in pairs until I was left by myself. What the heck? I looked around, uncertain what to do. Eye-stinging smoke billowed into my face, making me cough. Flames fanned and licked crackling twigs near my feet. Beloved, yeah right. This was going to be a long, unpleasant night.
I scanned the area, trying to spot Trent. I was hoping we could talk about our plans for the break. A group of little kids were skating on a man-made rink and pre-teens at the toboggan run were lined up in clusters of three or four. Families were gathered around picnic tables eating and laughing. I shivered. Who thought an outdoor potluck in the middle of winter was a good idea? Then I remembered, Shade had warmed a cup of tea in the palms of his hands. At least his food would be warm, if we ever ate. I found Aunt Claire, sitting at a filled picnic table with people her age. Only if I was desperate would I squeeze in there. Lights turned on at the shed at the base of the ski lift. That would explain the comment I’d overheard about a race after dinner.
“Here you are. When I ask you to wait somewhere, I’d appreciate you staying put,” Shade said, sounding way too much like his twin for me to feel like anything but a burden.
I took the steaming mug from his hand and continued to stare into the dancing flames that had calmed upon his arrival. “I’m not a dog. I’ve been deciding when to sit or stand on my own for years now. Just so we’re clear, I’m not a toddler who might get too close to the flames.”
“Sorry, guess I was gone kind of long. I ran into an old friend and couldn’t get away.”
“Talk to whoever you want,” I replied past the growing lump in my throat.
He tilted his head and squinted down at me. “What’s gotten into you?”
“Nothing. Go hang out with your friends.”
“That would be rude. I brought you.”
“Then introduce me or take me home. Standing around bored and ignored isn’t fun.”
“No one is speaking to you?” he asked, sounding genuinely surprised.
One person did, and that went so well. “Apparently I make people uncomfortable or something. I came over to the fire and everyone sort of moved off. Are you sure the clans actually like my family? You haven’t been hiding the ugly truth have you?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Well, I’ve just been snubbed. So I’ve got to wonder, did people actually like my dad?” I couldn’t imagine why they wouldn’t. He was thought highly of in the diplomatic community. It could be that in this day and age folks didn’t like the idea of a warden. I already had one dissenter in Shade’s own twin, and Aunt Claire had mentioned problems with the purist.
“You’ve been through a lot. Folks are trying to respect your feelings considering how new all of this is for you.”
“I was snubbed.”
“I think you’re being overly sensitive,” he replied, nodding at a group of guys that called his name.
“Well, whichever is the truth, it’s lonely and sort of depressing.” Foolish me, I’d assumed a harmless comment about the beautiful evening would seem friendly. “Why don’t you take me home, and then come back on your own.”
His gaze alighted on s
omething that made him smile. “I’ve a better solution. Follow me.”
Following wasn’t an option. Shade took my mug and hooked my right arm with his left. At a nice companionable pace we cut through the center of the crowd, past the tables laden with steaming food on warming plates, and into the main body of picnic tables.
Oh joy; it was a repeat of the first day of school. I tried to ignore the craning heads and well-placed elbows jabbing neighbor’s sides. Conversations fizzled out as we passed by only to be reenergized by new, hot topics interspersed with my name. I spotted a couple faces I recognized from school. All but one returned my hesitant smile. If Shade noticed the hard, unwelcoming expressions from that table, he covered it well as he exchanged holiday greetings with what felt like half the valley.
“Wait a minute,” I said, tugging on his arm when I realized our destination.
“What, you wanted company?” he answered, grinning down at me. “It’s time you met my family. Hey, don’t look scared, they’ll like you.”
Easy for him to say; he didn’t understand the problem. Voices rose in enthusiastic greetings except for those of Grandpa Fern and Shadow whose animated grins turned sour. I felt Shadow’s burning eyes follow me down the length of the table.
“Everyone, I’d like to introduce, Olivia Pepperdine,” Shade announced.
“Sit next to me,” a young girl called out, elbowing the two boys on either side of her and then scooting over to make room for both of us.
“Meadow, always the social butterfly.” Shade chuckled as he ruffled her yellow-blonde hair. “I’ll leave my precocious nine year’s old, going on twenty-one, cousin Meadow to take care of the introductions while I get us something to eat.”
Feeling every pair of eyes on me, I stepped over the bench. With Shade’s supportive hand on my arm I avoided an awkward klutz moment. Once again, his perceptiveness does not go unappreciated by me or unnoticed by Shadow who glowered from the other end of the table. I suppressed an exasperated sigh and forced myself to smile in his direction.
Amongst those seated at the long table were Meadow’s parents and her thirteen-year-old brother Rylan. As luck would have it, Shade’s uncle on his father’s side turned out to be my physics teacher.
“How’s the makeup work coming along?” Shade’s uncle asked.
“I’d love to say great, so I don’t have to spend half my break studying. It might as well be some ancient text for all the sense it’s making.”
“I can help you with that.”
Before I could thank him, he’d turned and leaned forward to look down the table. “Shad, Olivia needs tutoring and some make up lab work. Stop by the house for keys to my lab.”
“What?” Shad said, pinning me to my seat with a hostile glare.
“Tutor, Olivia, lab, keys. I think those are the highlights.”
Could the day get any worse? I didn’t dare look down the table at Shadow. Instead, I concentrated on smiling politely through Meadow’s introductions. Alright, I couldn’t help it, I turned. Frigid, hate-filled eyes were boring into my head. Because I knew it would irritate him, I dredged forth a smile. Unfortunately, Shade’s parents were also seated that direction, so I was forced to endure Shadow’s angry glowers for the duration of the introduction.
“Mr. and Mrs. Grisland, I’d like to apologize for monopolizing Shade’s time,” I said.
“Call us Keeley and Logan, dear,” Shade’s mother replied, smiling down the length of the table at me.
“Thank you, but I can’t. My dad’s voice is in my head ready to spout the appropriate lecture on respect for one’s elders.” It hit me what I had said so casually. I clenched my eyes shut, waiting for the sadness to pour into every cell in my body where it would bake and harden, sealing me in. But this time—thanks to Sister Willow’s treatment—I was a nonstick surface capable of relating and thinking without the gripping full body pain.
“In your eyes, we’re strangers. To us, dear, you’re family. Our hearts are gladdened now that you’ve come home,” Keeley Grisland said sincerely, her smile, like Shade’s, warm and caring. Others at the table made similar comments, except for Shadow, who stuffed his mouth with food.
Determined to honor my parents, I struggled to my feet before Meadow could perform the last introduction. “Sister Willow, it’s a pleasure to see you so soon. I hope our session today wasn’t too taxing. I’ve been feeling bad about darkening your holiday with my memories.”
“Don’t worry about me, dear. I’m the tough, old matriarch of this brood. When you’re ready, the collective will share in your distress. Our deep love will ease your sorrow and our joy will sweep away the ugliness you were forced to endure. Until that day, my door is always open should you require my touch to continue your healing journey.”
Completely undone by her heartfelt expression of support, I sank mutely onto my seat. I listened as Shade’s family quickly filled the awkward silence with lighthearted teasing that flowed so easily between them. This is it, I thought, realizing what had been missing for years. In an instant, it had been taken from my family, never to return. Mom had never really recovered from the blow, and Dad had buried himself in his work and this valley. Now it was too late. Mom and Dad were gone, and I was still living this empty life, always the outsider looking in. A powerful ache built in my chest. Had these people really meant that I was family? Would they still when they discovered I was a poor substitute for Danny? My face scrunched up. To cover, I sipped my hot chocolate, trying hard to block out the conversations sprinkled with laughter.
The minute Shade returned, Meadow dragged him onto the bench and whispered into his ear.
“Ask her,” he said, giving Meadow a nudge. “She won’t bite.”
“Olivia, what do you want for Christmas?” she asked, poking her head out around her cousin and then quickly ducking out of sight.
“I haven’t given it much thought.”
She gasped. “Not thought about it? My list is a page-and-a-half long.”
“Yes, we know, dear,” her mother said, smiling indulgently at her daughter.
“Things have been unsettled at your house this season, Olivia. If you and your aunt don’t have any plans, feel free to stop by our place,” Keeley Grisland offered. “Don’t worry about intruding. It’s not Christmas if the house isn’t overflowing with family and friends. It’ll be a great way to kick off your first Christmas in the valley. We sing carols and play cards.”
“Don’t forget spoons.” Logan Grisland elbowed Shadow. “This year, you’re going down.”
“How about this year, we avoid putting a hole in my wall,” Keeley said, shaking her head fondly at the men in her house. “After Christmas dinner, we end the night by dropping off appreciation tokens at each clan member’s house.”
“Sometimes they invite us in for hot chocolate and cookies. Two years ago, the clan held a mega, last man standing snowball fight,” Meadow said, bouncing up and down on the bench. “You have to come.” Meadow turned pleading eyes first onto me and then onto the others at the table. “Mom, tell her she’s got to come.”
Logan Grisland paused between mouthfuls. “I remember Claire joining us when she’s been here for the holiday. So what have you two got planned? Maybe you could squeeze us in?”
“Planned?” I fumbled for an answer finally settling for a lame response. “I’ll deal with whatever my aunt wants to do.” From the anxious look Keeley Grisland exchanged first with her husband and then with Shade, I knew I needed to head this off before this conversation got back to my aunt. “What I meant to say is that we’ll probably exchange gifts, and then just do what we usually do on a Saturday, put a movie on.” Copying Shadow, I stuffed food into my mouth.
It should’ve occurred to me that people would be curious. All those pairs of happy, caring eyes staring at me were just too much. The injustice of it all spilled the words out of my mouth before I even realized it. “After Danny died we stopped celebrating.”
Silverware clattered o
nto plates or froze mid-scrape. A low hum filled the air. Where Shade’s thigh pressed against mine, I felt a quick flare of heat accompanied by the equally brief pressure of his mind wrapping about mine, giving me a mental hug. He wadded his napkin in his hand, but when he spoke, his voice mirrored the sadness on everybody’s face. “That explains why I didn’t see a tree. I thought maybe it was still in the garage waiting to go up on Christmas Eve.”
Why had I been upset when no one spoke to me? Great, now I’ve spoiled the mood. I should’ve just made something up. Someone please change the topic. I buried myself in my plate of food, letting conversations swirl about me. Every so often, Shade leaned forward to stare at my profile. I said nothing and eventually he left me in peace.
It wasn’t until the plates were being stacked together that I realized the bonfire had died down and that many of the nearby tables were empty. I tuned back into the conversation in time to hear Meadow pleading with Shadow.
“You promised. It’s going to start any minute.”
“They’re lining up,” Rylan shouted, pointing up at the ridge line, his voice cracking shrilly as it changed, making everyone within hearing, grimace.
Meadow grabbed my arm and tugged. “Olivia, come with us.”
Spend time with Shadow, no thanks. Unfortunately, I couldn’t say that, especially with helpful people like Meadow’s mother around.
“Go, Olivia. You’ll enjoy this.”
“I’m sure Olivia isn’t interested,” Shadow said before I could answer.
I handed a stack of plates to his mother and noticed Shade’s icy eyes chiseling into his brother. I was glad I wasn’t on the receiving end of that.
“Just kidding, of course the warden’s heir should join us,” Shadow said flatly.
When Shade joined the kids, I breathed a soft sigh. “What are they doing?” I asked, trekking along behind, keeping an eye on the activity at the shed next to the top of the ski lift.
“Getting ready for team vibe skiing,” Shade answered. “The idea is to create a glide path by focus vibrating on the area around your smooth-soled boots, creating a slick streak of ice for speed or the right consistency patch of snow from powdery to packing for control. The trick is to stay on your feet while being faster and more accurate than the other teams while navigating through a series of gates.”