by Jan Harman
An emotional barrage more forceful than our prior connections ground away at my insecurities. My arguments were denied and cast to the side. Splatters of carefully unearthed emotions dripped courage and tenacity throughout my beleaguered brain. The old Olivia, I thought, only to be reminded of my recent bold episode during the fire. Interwoven amongst Shade’s broad strokes of friendship I detected a frayed strand of desperation. Shocked by this revelation, I tried to reassure him that I was here for him as well. Raw and as yet untrained, my talent latched upon old fears of isolation and nightmares of being out of control. To my shame, I had no idea how to cease intruding upon the privacy of this proud man. Afraid that he would realize what I’d accidently snagged, I struggled to dissolve our connection. Calm caressed my panic. Questions battered.
On this awful day for him, I would go where he out of respect wouldn’t intrude. I dug up private moments with my mother that even on my good days I’d avoided. Our last Mother’s Day, a week before the accident, was my undoing. Grief ripped open scabs, allowing a sadistic voice from my nightmares to replay the horrific last minutes of my mother’s life. The moments between rasping breaths drew longer. I knew what was coming, but I couldn’t abandon her.
“Turn away,” Shade ordered, releasing an emotional grappling hook that yanked me into the present.
Fear that I’d be taken away, leaving him to a desolate existence roiled and churned within both of us. Hot lips brushed mine. A vibrating hand slipped behind my neck. Pins-and-needles danced down my spine. I opened my eyes and sucked in an astonished breath.
His handsome face with a long day’s worth of stubble faded in and out of sight. Inflamed desires enticed as they became entangled amongst mine. Heat flashed through me, not from his hands, but from somewhere deep within myself. His breath coiled heatedly with mine. Simmering frustration yielded to gnawing hunger; my lips were devoured. Veiled eyes shattered. Icebergs thrust out of churning seas.
Heady with recklessness, I abandoned my safe shore and gulped up his passionate emotions. Impatient for his attention I eagerly rubbed my fingers over the tanned patch of skin at his collar. What was mine would not be hidden. My fingers skimmed upward, instantly going numb.
Shade’s head reappeared with a wolfish grin and a storm of white blanketing his telling eyes. “The perfect order,” he responded, trilling his baritone drawl across my cheeks and neck until I sighed and pulled his head down.
“Mine!”
A ferocious voice part Shade and part stranger resonated inside my skull, scoring my mind, sinking its claws into my psyche. It was like trying to stay afloat in an emotional tsunami. I was pinned beneath him as hot hands tugged my T-shirt off my shoulder. Even hotter kisses scorched my skin. Long fingers slipped beneath my shirt splaying flat against my stomach. Vibrations tingled across my skin from gliding hands that came to rest beneath my breast. At his urging, I explored sculpted abdominal muscles, tracing lower until rough denim barred my way. Without hesitation I reached for the jean’s button. His shirt fell forward. Soft flannel slid through my fingers, instantly calming my ramped up pulse. In a flash of insight, I was struck by the similarity to the voices’ attempt to subjugate my will. But Shade had sworn he’d never hurt me?
Abruptly his body froze. Reason battled forward, revealing alarmed revulsion, and his valiant attempt to force down the madness. His grip loosened. I slapped aside his hands and rolled for the edge of the bed. Fingers tangled in my hair. An arm looped about my waist pulling me back. While I still had the presence of mind to speak, I sucked in a shuddering breath and ordered, “Shade, stop.”
A decisive snap of his jaw clamped off a pulse enhanced growl. His body faded in and out violently. “Olivia, I . . .” He pushed off the bed, a deep crimson stain rising up into his cheeks. A shaking hand raked through his hair. He bounded over to the window, tucking his unbuttoned shirt back in. His face scrunched up and he stared at the floor. “I’ve no excuse for my reprehensible behavior. Forgive me. I meant only to pierce the shroud of despair left over from the imprint. I went too far. I’ll find you a replacement guard,” he said in the formal tone of a stranger.
“I don’t want a replacement,” I cried out when he moved towards the door. “Stay!” I ordered, forcing as much strength into the word as I could manage.
His head whipped towards me, but he kept his eyes averted. Resolute he continued towards the door, his entire body bent towards his target.
“Stay! Guard me!”
For a split second his body vanished. “Release me from service,” he demanded, hurtling his voice against my walls, ripping my calendar off its hook. “Naïve child, I attacked you. I’m no better than a lecher. Actually, I’m worse. I used my mind against yours, forcing my twisted feelings into yours, making you want . . .” He stopped. A horrified look spread across his face. “Release me. Please!”
His tortured plea made me blush with shame. I was an idiot for thinking he’d actually be interested in me in that way. I had to salvage our friendship. “Stop taking all the blame. I should’ve ordered you to stop sooner.”
“No order should be necessary. I’m the adult here; you should be safe in my company.”
“I turned eighteen.”
“You’re still in high school. I have to face it; I’ve lost my objectivity. In my arrogance, I thought myself strong enough to carry the Soul Oath. Made nearly mad by its fiery, all-consuming nature my blood boiled with the need to possess its other half.”
“You stopped when I asked you to,” I reminded him.
“Ordered,” he corrected his tone almost a growl. “Drugs, alcohol, oath there isn’t any difference; my crime of coercion is unforgivable. A man never . . . I manipulated you.” He choked on the words, his face twisted in pain by his self-hatred. “Nothing excuses my behavior or my lack of control. I’m a diamond level. The employ of my compulsion voice on a human woman in this manner is forbidden. A Soul Oath binds us. You stood no chance of resisting my demand for our souls to connect. I overwhelmed and frightened you. No, don’t deny the truth. Consumed with the need to protect you, I became a hormone driven beast consumed by the need to possess.” His chest heaved and his shoulders slumped. “I’ve dishonored my code, my people, and my warden. I’m unworthy to stand at your side or to carry my oaths.”
I wanted to go to him and shake him for a change. I had to make him see that he wasn’t the monster here. “Let’s be honest. Our joining was a selfless endeavor.”
“That’s not the point. I yielded to my baser instincts. Don’t look at me. Let me go,” he pleaded.
“Stop being so hard on yourself. I don’t think either of us is our selves. How could we be after everything? My God, Shade, you were forced to kill someone. Then Shadow got stabbed. The purist assaulted my mind to . . .” my voice faltered it was too sick to think about. “They wanted revenge. They wanted one of us to die.”
Without his heat, I began to shake. I ignored it; afraid if he noticed he would override my order for my own good. Once out of this room he would never be dissuaded. “Please, you’re the only one I trust to keep me safe. If you leave, I’ll fall apart.” Speaking softly as though saying it out loud would make it true I said, “Next time I’ll sink too far to recover on my own. Don’t let their darkness claim me. I can’t live like that again. Please, don’t leave me so exposed to their mercy.” My voice fell. I would not; I could not face that curtain of despair again. Panic welled up inside me, threatening to shatter all the progress I’d made since the accident. With a hand outstretched towards him, I entreated, “Don’t let them touch me again. It was soul destroying.”
“You don’t understand the depth of my crime. I violated—”
“In the capacity of my protector you dove in after the truth.”
“Like a newbie without control,” he said bitterly, hunching his shoulders, beaten.
“No, you stubborn fool. Like the man sworn to keep me safe; you were intent upon discovering what I couldn’t verbalize. Like a friend des
perate to help another heal, you stood between me and their vile touch despite the terribleness of your own day.”
“I lost control. That should never have happened. Emotions without filters are passionate; way beyond the level of intimacy that a teenager, especially a human one, can handle. You’re still a kid and owed my respect every moment,” he said savagely. His eyes were fixated on the door. His body leaned forward, his hand almost touching the wood. “Don’t you see I’m dangerous? The Soul Oath can entrap an unsuspecting individual. I’m not speaking only of you. Under its influence, I forgot that you are simply, Olivia. I am your personal guard and an ordinary friend, nothing more. What you feel . . . what I put there can never be acted upon.”
Ouch, that stung! I blinked hard, refusing to let him see how much I was being hurt. It would do neither of us any good to dwell on how badly I’d been frightened or more to the point, on how much I’d wanted him. “I don’t know how emotions work with Whisperers, but speaking on behalf of humans, they don’t fall into line like trained soldiers. Emotions are messy. They have a tendency to travel with a life and purpose that isn’t easy to master. You’re flesh and blood. You’re dealing with a situation that no one among your people ever considered. Give yourself a break this once. Nothing happened.”
It was a lie. The charged emotions were far from nothing. It killed me to appear unaffected. For Shade, I would deny the validity of our feelings.
Fingers grazed the door knob.
“You forget I’m just a silly, high school girl. By next week I’ll have a new crush,” I said with a surprising amount of coolness in my voice. “If anyone should be apologizing, it’s me. At your age having a teenage girl mooning after you must be embarrassing. I’ll try to look at you like an obnoxious, older brother.”
Fingers trembled. The knob jiggled.
“Just don’t leave me,” I pleaded. I clamped my mouth shut before I came across as even more pathetic. I forced myself to look him square in the eye. I had a good idea of what I looked like huddled on the bed pale and distraught. It was pointless to try to disguise my emotions, so I settled for a tentative half smile. “Friends?”
“I’m not safe.”
“You protected me.” He shook his head in disgust. “It’s true. Your voice reminded me who I was when I was willing to let go of everything.”
“Who are you?” he demanded, sounding ragged and exhausted.
For the both of us I boldly grabbed hold of his truth. “The heart of the valley.”
“My warden.”
“Your friend Olivia.”
After several deep breaths, the rigid set to his jaw relaxed just a hair. Then with forced casualness, he returned to lean against my bedpost, going so far as to sweep my tussled hair behind my ears. I bit the inside of my lip to keep my hurt from showing in my eyes. Occasionally his hands would tremble or an ankle would tap against the wood frame of my bed. I felt terrible for him. He had to deal with this oath on his own. Pride and embarrassment would keep him from turning to the one person who might have the skill to still his emotional storm. I blushed just imagining that conversation with his grandmother.
He twisted the ring on his finger several times before ripping it off and clenching it in his fist. “Sister Willow’s fears were justified. You’re paying the price of my ego. I’ve been failing you left and right. As a result, you’re put off by our culture and alienated from those you would serve. Warden and yet not Warden.” He shook his head and said, recrimination making his voice deeper, “It’s easy to forget that you’ve not been trained. I slide so effortlessly into your mind like we’ve been communicating this way for decades. One slip and I could severely injure you, perhaps permanently or worse bind you to my side. Allow me to excuse myself. An older, more experienced individual would be better at controlling his emotions.”
“I thought we were moving past the blame part of the discussion. Tell me something constructive.”
By the stern set of his jaw, I realized that he’d fallen back onto his philosophy of protecting the innocent high school girl from the big bad world. Short of ordering him again—something I’d swore I’d never do and had broken several times in the past few hours—I could think of no way to convince him to change his stance that wouldn’t heap more recriminations upon his overburdened shoulders.
In the end, I spoke the hard truth. “Your silence makes me think matters are worse than I thought. My active imagination will happily fill the void.”
“You’ve had too many shocks for one day. I suggest taking a nap.”
“Seriously? That’s the tact you’re going to take just to avoid telling me anything? Fine, then you listen while I speak,” I said in response to his tight-lipped stare over the top of my head. “It felt like the voices were giving my brain a virus. If they hadn’t been stopped, they would’ve leached away . . .” I stopped not wanting to say it out loud. I sounded crazy in my head.
“Leached away what?”
“No, forget I said anything.”
“You’re not crazy,” he said with utter confidence.
I admired his loyalty, however unjustified. After gathering what strength I could from his fierce expression, I said so low that my voice barely carried, “It felt like I was losing parts of me: compassion, forgiveness, my sense of morality, and even my will to live. All this rage and hatred poured into me, trying to take up the void.”
“I picked up on that. I told you not to worry. We’ll get it removed.”
“Damage has been done. Even now its lingering influence colors my opinions.” My gaze dropped to my lap and I said almost soundlessly, “If given another opportunity to broach my mind, they might succeed in making me agree to forfeit all I am or ever will be.”
“Shad’s talented with emotional wounds. I’ll get him to stand in my place.”
That would be awkward. I stared at my lap, feeling heat flash across my cheeks. “We just have to face it. No matter how uncomfortable this situation between us gets, Shadow isn’t who I need at my side. My emotional peril triggered the Soul Oath because I needed that level of intimacy to silence the corrosion placed in my head.”
“The damn thing was only supposed to enhance my awareness of your physical and mental states to increase my reaction time. I swear I didn’t know about the hormone release or the overwhelming compulsion to possess. I should’ve researched the oath further.”
I reached out to touch his arm. He stiffened. Casually I pulled up the sheet instead. “No blame,” I reminded. I rubbed my left index finger across the fabric bandage on my right palm. “Not exactly an effective means to fight back. I can’t believe I gouged up my own skin. Gross!”
“There are other methods.”
He covered my aching palm with his warm hand. I waited for him to continue. That darn rigid jaw, I thought, wanting badly to order him to answer. “This ability the man wielded it puts thoughts into his victim’s minds?” The bubble of hysteria that was threatening to pop would drive Shade deeper into protection territory. I stared directly into his eyes, striving hard to sound rational and adult. “Is it like what you do with your voice? Is it just me, am I that much of a mental mess that I’m an easy mark? For the sake of the valley, I need to understand.”
“I should defer to your aunt in matters relating to your valley education,” he answered, rubbing his chin deep in thought.
I held my breath during his internal debate. Gradually frigid seas swamped icebergs as his eyes shifted closer to normal. Unfortunately, to sway the argument in my favor I needed to provoke his protective instinct. “You’re right my aunt could tell me. But her plate is spilling at the moment. While I wait for her to deal with this incident and for her to deal with what happened to her niece on an emotional level, I’m vulnerable. Give me something or my nightmares will worsen, granting my enemies the opening they’re waiting for. Next time I might just find a real knife,” I said, shuddering as the truth of that statement sunk in.
“That won’t happen. You’re s
tronger than you know,” he said reassuringly, pushing his ring back onto his finger. “Watered down? No way. Give yourself a couple years of seasoning, and I’ll remind you of your humble beginnings. In fact, let me be the first to say that if we rated our wardens like we do our vibe levels, folks would do well to strap themselves down.”
“Great motivational speech. Couldn’t you have sprinkled it with a few helpful details?”
“Caught that did you?” He stared at the door and sighed. “Between the elders, my clan, your aunt, and now you, my vibe path is littered with speed bumps. Looks like I’ll have to tangle with the rest of them,” he said, sounding unhappy about the situation.
“If asked, just say I ordered you.”
“I accept the consequences of my decisions.”
“How about just tell me friend to friend?”
Bands of white broke apart. He stood straighter, towering over me. The band of his diamond ring clinked rapidly against the bedpost. “I offered to be your advisor as well as protector. Don’t lessen my oath.”
“I would never dismiss anything you do for me. For the record, the bad ass diamond viber isn’t always calming on the nerves or conducive to conversations. Leaning against the bedpost can’t be comfortable. Please, have a seat. Sprawl out. Look less intimidating.” I patted the bed. “It’s really soft. No? That’s too bad. My mom would be highly disappointed in me for sitting while my advisor stood. Guess I’ve got no choice but to get up and stand on my sore knee.” I sighed. One at a time, I swung each leg over the side of the bed, exaggerating each movement.
The corners of his lips turned up slightly. Choppy seas became placid ponds. “I need to watch out for you. Scoot over that bedpost does hurt.” He stretched out on my bed using my headboard as a back rest.
“For your peace of mind, I will provide some details,” he said, employing his warm, soothing tone that pulsed softly across my face. “To varying degrees all Whisperers can use their voice to influence another’s mind. Hence the archaic name, Whisperer. We were arrogant, cold-hearted brutes, turning our abilities onto intruders, enemies, and even merchants. We had no scruples. If it would gain one of us an advantage, we’d turn against one of our own. To this day our guidebook, our salvation if you will, is the Pact. It details the use of this ability. A few moments ago I employed a technique to force your assaulted mind to respond to my will. Forgive me.”