How to Sell Your Family to the Aliens

by Paul Noth

“That today is very dangerous,” said Kayla. “You and Happy shouldn’t even be talking about the Black Room. It will lead to disaster. You need to stop, and if you don’t I will trap you and make you stop.”

  “But that’s not fair,” I said.

  “Alice steals our stuff, and we’re supposed to do nothing?” said Beth.

  “I agree it’s not fair,” said Kayla, scratching her headband. “But at least give me until the end of breakfast to work out a solution with Alphonso.”

  “You have half an hour,” said Beth, rising. “Then I’m going to the Black Room.”

  As Beth stormed out of the bedroom, Kayla turned to me.

  “If either of you plans anything that dangerous today, you know I’ll have to trap you.”

  “Why don’t you trap Alice?” I said. “And make her give us our stuff back?”

  “I’m working on that,” said Kayla. “But that’s only a small facet of the problem we’re facing. I need to get Mom home. None of this would be happening if she were here.”

  “You got that right,” I said. “What’s taking her so long, anyway? How much can there possibly be to learn about laundry?”

  “How much can there possibly be . . . ,” repeated Kayla, in that absent way she had when talking to Alphonso. A moment later, her eyes popped open and her face flushed.

  “Oh no!” she yelled. “Why didn’t I see this before?”

  She ran out of the bedroom, leaving me to wonder what that bee had told her now.

  CHAPTER 8

  THE GREAT INVENTOR

  Baby Lu smiled at me and reached up her arms for me to take her out of her playpen. How could I resist this from the cutest of all possible babies?

  I lifted her up and carried her to the counter to fix her a bowl of breakfast beans. Eliza, freshly showered and in her purple sweater, stood near the stove. She reached out for the baby.

  “Give her here,” said Eliza. “Today’s my day to watch her. It’s on the Safety Schedule.”

  “I’m just going to feed her,” I said. “Then you can take her.”

  “Whatever,” said Eliza, shrugging.

  Then she carried her own bowl into the bedroom to eat by herself. Whenever our room was empty, Eliza liked to go in there and sit alone. I assumed that in those moments she could pretend that she was an only child in a bedroom all her own where she could put up posters of horses on the walls without Alice stealing them the next minute.

  As I sat Baby Lu on my lap to feed her, I noticed Kayla pacing around the table, in a deep silent conversation with Alphonso.

  Beth sat staring daggers at Alice, who pretended not to notice.

  Dad had clearly been up all night tinkering with his new invention. If Mom had been home, she might have convinced him to get some sleep. He was rushing to get the Golden Hoop assembled in time for his big weekly meeting with Grandma.

  The thought of these Saturday meetings always made my mouth water, because that’s where Grandma served her chef’s amazing freshly baked cookies. Sometimes Dad would remember to pocket a few of those delicious masterpieces to bring home for me.

  Baby Lu and I played the bean-face game: I would give her a bite of beans, and she would make the most disgusted face possible, which would crack me up. Then I would take a bite of beans, and pull an even more disgusted face, which would crack her up. Baby Lu had invented this game herself. She had an amazing ability to turn life’s miseries, like eating breakfast beans, into hilarious fun. I knew she missed Mom more than any of us, and yet she was determined to stay happy and funny, despite everything. Just hanging out with that baby cheered me up.

  Dad wasn’t handling Mom’s absence nearly so well. He looked a mess—sleepy, sloppy, and deeply stressed about his meeting with Grandma, who, let’s face it, was scary. Especially to Dad.

  I don’t want to suggest that Dad only cared about pleasing Grandma. He also cared deeply about Mom and all of us, and he cared passionately about important scientific questions. The search for alien life in the universe had obsessed him since childhood, as had black holes, dark matter, gravity, and all the other biggies.

  But Dad needed Grandma to give him direction, to steer his genius toward practical things that people actually wanted. Dad loved robotics, but without Grandma he would never have invented Lil’ Buddy the Walking Panini Press, both a pal and a sandwich maker all in one. Without Grandma, Dad might have written a lot of important papers about biology and DNA, but he would never have created his successful line of Poopless Pets, or Self-Chewing Nachos, or Napkin Pants. The list goes on.

  The fact that only Grandma profited off his inventions, and that we had to live meagerly in a basement, didn’t seem to bother Dad at all. He was happy just doing his work.

  Like now, for instance, a look of profound satisfaction overtook him as he held up his newly completed Golden Hoop of wires. Kayla stared up at it too, but she did not look happy. In fact, I had never seen her so worried. Her face had grown white and rigid with fear.

  “Dad!” she said, pointing at it. “What’s the intended purpose of that invention?”

  “Hmm, sweetie?” he said, looking over to her. “Oh, this? Just a little something I made for Mr. Abernathy, from the County Zoo. It’s a security collar for a baby giraffe. See, a lot of animals have been going missing lately. Whole families of animals just disappearing. Everyone’s upset and baffled. The police can’t crack the case. Your grandma thinks it would be great for the company if we solved the problem. We’ve had a lot of bad press lately. Something like this could really turn that around.”

  Talking about the Golden Hoop, Dad grew more animated. He began to look more like the Hap Conklin you would recognize from TV.

  “Tigers, panthers, elephants,” said Dad. “Whole animal families gone without a trace. And there’s no sign of a break-in, no tracks, nothing on the security footage. Big mystery. Even the chief of police is stumped. But I think I’ve cracked it. The key is that whole families disappear . . .”

  “Hmm,” said Beth, glaring at Alice. “I hope the police don’t come looking for any known thieves in the area.”

  Alice shrugged and went on eating. The fact that she didn’t scream, “What would I want with a bunch of filthy zoo animals?” convinced me that she probably had nothing to do with the disappearances. But who would be stealing whole families of zoo animals?

  “Wait, Dad,” said Kayla. “You’re meeting with this guy Abernathy before your meeting with Grandma?”

  “Yes, at nine thirty.” He looked up at the clock, which read 9:26. “Oh no! I should already be at the front gate! I haven’t even attached the battery yet. I don’t have time!”

  “Don’t worry,” said Kayla. “Hap and I will go meet Mr. Abernathy for you. That will give you a chance to attach the battery.”

  “Oh, could you?” said Dad, smiling with relief.

  “No problem,” said Kayla. “We’ll bring him to the Crest Doors . . .”

  I knew Kayla was up to something. I hoped she and Alphonso had figured out a way to trap Alice and get our stuff back.

  “Come on, Hap,” said Kayla. “Get your things. We’re going to the front grounds.”

  “Okay!” I agreed.

  First, I carried Baby Lu into the bedroom and handed her off to Eliza, then I grabbed my jacket and tie off their peg by my bed. I had to put these on before entering the front grounds, where Grandma insisted that everyone be “properly attired.”

  CHAPTER 9

  SETTING THE TRAP

  I found Kayla waiting for me outside.

  “I’ll get you your TV back today,” she said. “But first you have to do one thing for me. You need to go to the front gate and meet Mr. Abernathy from the—”

  “Whoa,” I said, interrupting her.

  “Not just the TV. I want Squeep! too. I need that lizard back.”

  “Hmm,” said Kayla, thinking. “Okay, the lizard too. But you have to do exactly what I tell you. Listen, this is very important . . .”

  S
he started listing instructions. I missed most of them, because I was imagining myself returning to school triumphantly with Squeep! on Monday.

  “You’re not listening,” said Kayla.

  “Sure I am,” I said. “What’s all this about Mr. Abernathy, though? I thought you were trapping Alice.”

  “Uh, yeah,” said Kayla. “It’s sort of a . . . multiple trap. There’s a lot more to this than just Alice. It’s a volatile situation. Grandma’s on the defensive. She thinks her enemies are closing in on her, and she’s not wrong.”

  “You mean the FBI?” I said.

  “Yes, among others.” Kayla’s eyes flashed at me. “Grandma’s brought something here. For protection. A terrible creature to guard her secrets. Stay away from it, Hap. Stay out of the Black Room. That’s where she’s posted it to guard her secrets.”

  “Hey, I’m not going to go near any Black Room, or any other room of Grandma’s, green, blue, or purple! What do you think I am, crazy?”

  “You say that now,” said Kayla. “But later on, you will stop listening to me. You will stop listening to reason, Hap. You change today. Look, it’s happening already. You didn’t shave this morning, see? You stop caring about the rules.”

  Touching my face, I found a full beard.

  “You still care about our family, right?” asked Kayla.

  “Of course!” I said.

  “But you think you’d be happier without us.”

  “Well, I know I’d be happier!”

  “Without us you wouldn’t even be yourself.”

  “Then I’d be even happier.”

  This actually made Kayla stop and think a moment.

  “Look,” I said, “just tell me what I have to do to get my stuff back. I go meet this guy from the zoo, and then what?”

  “Mr. Abernathy,” she said. “Greet him at the front gate. Tell him you’ve come to take him to Dad. But don’t bring him up the main path. Take him the longer way instead, through the garden. Stop at the iron gate and send him on to the Crest Doors, where Dad will be waiting. Now here’s the most important part: do not follow Abernathy out of the garden. Instead, watch him through the bars of the iron gate. Through the bars. Do not take your eyes off him. I’ll meet you there. Got it?”

  “Got it,” I said, wondering whether I would retain any of that.

  “Good. Now I need to talk to Alice.” Kayla turned and sprinted away.

  “Don’t forget about Squeep!” I yelled.

  Then I hurried along the mansion’s southern facade, buttoning up my dark-gray suit jacket.

  Conklin Grounds was a truly spectacular landscape. The sight never failed to blow my mind. Flawless, tree-lined pathways crisscrossed an expanse of geometric gardens where every detail—every flower, leaf, and blade—expressed a harmony with the whole of Grandma’s perfect design.

  I hurried down the Grande Allée, a wide grassy path between ancient cone-shaped yew trees. There, I turned right at the fountain and ran toward the granite archways of the front gate.

  A large man in a pressed tan safari suit had entered. This could only be Mr. Abernathy, the zoo guy. He stood surveying the beauty of Conklin Grounds with a look of delighted amazement. When his eyes eventually dropped down to me, he gasped, then let out a small scream.

  I winced, realizing what a blot I was on the landscape. This was why I was supposed to shave. Well, I thought, if this Mr. Abernathy doesn’t like my beard, that’s his problem. He had a bushy little caterpillar-like mustache himself, and you didn’t see me calling the cops about it.

  “Mr. Abernathy?” I said.

  “Yes uh. . . yes um. . . yes uh. . .”

  “Yes indeedy-dandy?” I suggested. Sometimes I said weird stuff like this just to see how people would react.

  “Um . . . um . . . ,” he stammered.

  “Please come this way,” I said in my most butlerly voice. “We’ve been expecting you.”

  He hesitated, eyeballing me as he might regard something one of his animals had thrown up. As we walked together, he seemed to take my presence beside him as a personal insult. The distaste became mutual. I knew he had mistaken me for some kind of dwarf or adult little person. But so what if I was? Was that any reason to treat me so rudely? I realized Abernathy must be some sort of anti-adult-little-person bigot, and this made me want to shove him into the pond.

  But instead I led him through the garden just as Kayla had told me to.

  I tried to make polite conversation, but this guy could barely look at me without cringing. I returned all his cringes with smiles—smiles came easily when I imagined Abernathy falling into his tiger habitat and getting mauled.

  “So you’re a zookeeper?” I said. “You like animals and whichy-whats?”

  “Uh, I’m the chief director of the County Zoo. And, uh, yes, uh, I find it rewarding—”

  “Terrifico!” I yelled. “Nice mustache, by the way. So small, yet so bushy. That must be very rewarding as well.”

  “Um—”

  “Splendid!” I said. “Well, right through this gate you can see the Crest Doors, where Mr. Conklin awaits you.”

  “Oh, thank God,” said Abernathy, hurrying through the garden gate.

  “Have a nice day,” I said.

  He spared me one last cringe, then hurried on. I regretted not shoving him into the pond.

  Kayla had told me to watch him through the bars of the garden gate. Thick ivy covered most of this gate, but I found a bare spot in the greenery just about the size of my body. I figured this must be where Kayla wanted me to peek through. I pressed my face between two cold, black iron bars and watched Abernathy toddle along.

  My dad, still holding the Golden Hoop, stood in front of the Crest Doors beside a young man named Chip Ricky, who was Grandma’s personal assistant—a lean, elegantly dressed, pug-faced guy with an expensive leather clipboard. As Mr. Abernathy toddled toward them, I felt certain something very important was about to happen.

  But nothing did. My dad and Chip Ricky shook hands with Mr. Abernathy, and the three men headed inside to conduct their business. That was it.

  Who had we been trying to trap? I wondered.

  A few moments later Kayla, holding her black-and-yellow backpack, strolled up on the other side of the bars from me.

  “You just missed them,” I said. “Should I have stalled Abernathy longer?”

  “No, you did perfect,” said Kayla. “Thanks for not pushing him into the pond. That couldn’t have been easy. But it was the right choice.”

  Kayla and Alphonso didn’t miss much, once they took an interest.

  “Where’s Alice?” I asked.

  “She’s already cooperating,” said Kayla. “You’ll get your TV back and the lizard too, though Alice has grown quite fond of him. I also made her give me something else that I think you should have.” Kayla unzipped her backpack. “Hap, an FBI agent came onto the property yesterday. Alice acquired these from him, but they should really go to you. Here . . .”

  I reached both hands through the bars to take what she was giving me.

  Something silver, it felt cold on my wrists as it made a double-click.

  “Hey!” I yelled.

  Steel handcuffs now locked my hands together on the opposite side of the bars from my body. I was completely trapped.

  “Sorry it has to be like this, Hap,” said Kayla. “But I’ve reviewed all the futures, and this is the only way to stop you from going bananas.”

  CHAPTER 10

  THE LAST HEXAGON

  “I’m going to murder that bee!” I yelled, pulling against my handcuffs.

  “Don’t blame Alphonso,” said Kayla. “It’s my fault, really. I should have seen this coming earlier. But I didn’t start to put the pieces together until this morning, when you asked me that question about Mom.”

  “What? What are you even talking about?”

  “Grandma doesn’t need for Mom to learn any more about laundry. She just sent her to that school to get her out of the way for a li
ttle while.”

  “Why?” I said. “And why did you have to trap me?”

  “Because there’s no other way to prevent you from breaking into the mansion today, but maybe—”

  “That’s crazy! I would never break in there!”

  “You will today. It’s inevitable. Alphonso doesn’t lie. But maybe you can do it without causing the Last Hexagon.”

  “The what?”

  “The Last Hexagon. It’s a possible future, an endpoint that I can’t see anything past.”

  Kayla described the Last Hexagon to me. It looked like this:

  “Okay, that sounds terrible,” I admitted. “But there’s no way I’m going to break into the mansion and cause that.”

  “There’s no way you’re not going to break into the mansion today. But maybe you won’t cause the Last Hexagon. Maybe, if you break in before noon, and not after noon . . .”

  “What happens at noon?” I asked.

  Kayla hesitated, as though afraid to tell me.

  “Today at noon,” she said. “In the fifth-floor solarium, unbeknownst to Dad, Grandma will use that Golden Hoop he invented in an experiment on Baby Lu and—”

  I saw it in my mind before Kayla finished her sentence: Grandma hooking those gold wires around the neck of sweet, smiling, innocent Baby Lu!

  “No!” I yelled, pulling with all my strength to rip the cuffs apart. Unable to, I grabbed the iron bars and began shaking my body furiously against them. An anger so intense flowed through me that I felt strong enough to rip the whole gate out of the ground, and then I would charge into the mansion and run straight up to Grandma and . . .

  Kayla waited while I thrashed uselessly until I had exhausted myself.

  “Not Baby Lu,” I said finally. “She’s the only normal one of us left . . . What about the Safety Schedule? We need to tell Dad and—”

  “Telling Dad leads to the Last Hexagon,” said Kayla. “Calling the cops leads to the Last Hexagon. If I had told you without trapping you first, it would have led to the Last Hexagon. And if I had done nothing at all? You would have found out this afternoon, broken into the mansion to confront Grandma, and led us to the Last Hexagon. There’s only one way to do this right, Hap. We only have one chance.”