“What does He want from me in return?”
“Just your heart, sweetie. Your trust.” Juanita poured the boiling water over teabags in two mugs. “Here, take the cookies into my office, and I’ll bring these.”
Her heart. Her trust. Was that what Dan had given Jesus? It seemed like it.
“Want to talk about it?” Logan leaned back in the armchair in Dan’s living room. It was the evening of Christmas Day, and the kids were finally asleep after a tumultuous day. Tony was out at one of his relatives’ homes — Dan didn’t know whose. And Linnea was catching up with Jasmine and Nathan.
Dan poured a tall glass of pop for each of them and handed one to his brother-in-law. “I think things are okay. Ish.” He dropped into the recliner beside the tree.
“Ish?” Logan saluted him with the glass by way of thanks.
“Yeah. I know I need to proceed with this, but it’s been kind of rough. That whole thing where she came to the church concert then went out with Basil kills me.”
“Basil dropped by his sister’s in a foul mood less than an hour later.”
Hope sprang in Dan’s chest, but he quelled it. “That’s the problem with Bridgeview. Everyone knows everything.”
Logan chuckled. “Too true. Bro, I’ve been thinking about what you told me at Thanksgiving, what Jacob said to you.”
Dan’s eyebrows shot up. “Yeah? Still makes me mad when I think about it. I kept going to the men’s prayer breakfast — and I’m thankful for Eden sitting with the kids — but forgive me if I don’t especially want to hang out with the guy one on one.”
“He has a point.”
“Not you, too.” Dan’s head sagged back against the headrest. “It makes no sense.”
“You decided that the only sensible solution was to marry Dixie. Am I right?”
He gave his brother-in-law a duh look.
“But... did you ask God?”
Dan gave his head a quick shake. “Of course, I asked God. I’ve asked Him a billion times to get Dixie’s attention and make her come around.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“What other question is there?”
“Did you ask God what He really wants, even if it’s not marriage to Dixie? What if He has a completely different solution, but you’re too Velcroed to your own obviously-correct-opinion to see what He really has for you?”
“What else could there be?”
“That’s not the point. The point is, are you willing to give God room to show you?”
Dan opened his mouth in protest and snapped it shut again. Could Logan be right? Was he so fixated on his own solution that he couldn’t even see anything else?
“There’s a great psalm — have you been reading those? — lots of good stuff in the Psalms. This one is pretty short.” Logan thumbed his phone on and tapped around. “May I read it to you?”
“Uh, sure.”
“Okay. It’s Psalm 37. Been loving The Passion Translation lately. Here we go. ‘Don’t follow after the wicked ones or be jealous of their wealth. Don’t think for a moment they’re better off than you. They and their short-lived success will soon shrivel up and quickly fade away like grass clippings in the hot sun.’”
Logan looked up with a grin. “Those grass clippings are when I started thinking about you, and then I couldn’t get you out of my mind while I read the rest.”
“Go on.”
“‘Keep trusting in the Lord and do what is right in his eyes. Fix your heart on the promises of God and you will be secure, feasting on his faithfulness.’” Logan paused.
“Sounds good. What promises do you think he’s talking about there?”
“Let me keep going. ‘Make God the utmost delight and pleasure of your life, and he will provide for you what you desire most.’”
“Yeah, that.” Dan pointed at Logan’s phone. “What I desire most? A Christ-centered marriage with Dixie.”
Logan held up his hand like a stop sign. “There’s more. ‘Give God the right to direct your life, and as you trust him along the way you’ll find he pulled it off perfectly! He will appear as your righteousness, as sure as the dawning of a new day. He will manifest as your justice, as sure and strong as the noonday sun.’”
Give God the right to direct your life. Dan winced. He’d jumped into this faith business with both feet, reveling in the joy of Jesus’ love. He’d felt absolute certainty that the perfect life was his for the taking... and that he knew exactly how it would look.
Logan’s voice lowered. “‘Quiet your heart in his presence and pray; keep hope alive as you long for God to come through for you.’” His eyes scanned the phone then shrugged and flicked it off. “That’s the basic idea.”
“Why would this marriage not be God’s will? That doesn’t even make sense. How could anything be better for our kids? For us?”
His brother-in-law’s eyes shone in sympathy. “I can’t answer that, bro. But you know how a little kid holds on tight to their trinket, sure it’s the most amazing thing ever, even though their parent wants to give them something bigger and better?”
“Buddy did that today,” Dan mused. “He wanted those little race cars from his stocking so much I could hardly convince him to open his main gift.”
“Which contained a three-speed ride-in car. Left to his own devices, he’d have missed it.”
Dan laughed, eyeing the large toy sitting over by the patio door. Buddy would have so much fun with that thing in the backyard and on neighborhood walks. Even ripping around inside the house with its limited space, the kid had sported a beaming smile the rest of the day, the little cars forgotten. “He was sure surprised. It was fun giving him something he didn’t even know he wanted.” The words registered in his mind and thudded into his heart. “Like that, huh?”
“Maybe.” Logan lifted a shoulder. “The thing is, we don’t know, if we don’t let go of our human-sized dreams. We have to trust that God’s a good, good father. If you had a keyboard here, I’d play that song for you. Look it up on YouTube, bro. Chris Tomlin.”
“I know the one. Yeah, I’ll listen to it again. I like it.”
“Please don’t get me wrong. I’m just a guy like you, and I can’t think of anything better for you than a whole, complete family. I felt strongly that I needed to come talk to you. Ask you if you’d really put the situation in God’s hands, totally and completely. Because, if you do, He’ll give you what’s best. Not what you think is best, but what He knows.”
Dan gulped. “That’s a little scary.”
“I hear you, bro.”
“Because what if it’s not Dixie? What if she doesn’t ever come to faith and ask Jesus into her life? What then?”
Logan’s eyes gleamed with sympathy as he met Dan’s gaze. “That’s where the trusting comes in. Have to ask you something else.”
“What?” Dan braced himself.
“Because on the one side, you’re taking legal action to solidify custody, but on the other, you haven’t given up on Dixie. How does that fit together?”
He huffed out a breath and ran his hand through his hair. “It’s a big risk, I guess. I just want to shake up her world, make her wake up and see what she’s doing.”
“So, you’re counting on her coming through, so you can drop the custody case?”
“I guess. Does that sound lame? Stupid?”
“It could backfire.”
Dan closed his eyes and leaned back. “I’m beginning to think it will. She went out with Basil.”
“What then? If she settles down with some other guy, like Basil, maybe, would you be open to letting her take the kids?”
His chest tore apart in pain. “God can’t ask that of me. The kids—” his voice broke. “They deserve better.”
“What if it’s God’s best?”
Dan stumbled to his feet. “I don’t know how you can say that. You said he didn’t stay with Dixie long. That can’t be what’s happening.”
"Pray, bro. Pray and make su
re your heart is in line with God’s. That you’re really ready to give God complete control of your future. Yours, and Mandy’s, and Buddy’s, and Henry’s.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking.”
Logan’s arm squeezed Dan’s shoulder for a few seconds. “I’m headed off to find Linnea now. Trust me. We are praying for you countless times a day. All of you.”
“Thanks.” I think.
The cold night air swirled in as Logan departed.
Dan dropped back into his chair and rested his head in his hands, elbows braced on his knees.
It’s always darkest before dawn. He’d heard that saying countless times. But, what if this time, daybreak never came?
God! I need You!
19
Dixie leaned over the table, setting a beer in front of each guy. They were getting an eye-full at the same time, thanks to her low-cut uniform. A hand slid around her bottom and fingered the hem of her much-too-short, much-too-snug skirt.
She sidled out of the way, and the guy chuckled. “Playing hard to get, sweetheart?”
“Not just playing,” she shot back, straightening.
The men erupted into laughter.
“Can I get you anything else?”
“Sure can,” he drawled with a wink.
If she hadn’t already set all the steins on the table, she might accidentally spill one in his lap. “From the menu.”
“We’re good for now,” one of the others said.
As Dixie turned away, the guy’s hand caught her leg. “For now.”
“Get your dirty hands off me.” Oh, no. Had she really said that? The bar seemed far too quiet, her voice far too loud.
The guy’s look hardened and his fingers tightened. That would leave a bruise. Even if she’d been looking for a pickup, he would never have been it.
“Having troubles?” Seth appeared at her elbow. “I need to talk to you, Dixie.”
Seth? She’d only seen him a few times since that first night at Billie and Jared’s, and they’d never sat down just to talk. She let herself be led away, not glancing back as he guided her to the entry. “I didn’t see you in there.”
“I just came in.” Seth searched her eyes. “Are you okay? You don’t have to put up with unwanted advances, even here.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” Kristoff’s chilly voice interrupted. “You said you were up for this, Dixie. Said you needed the income, including the tips. You’re not acting like someone who needs money.”
Dixie took a deep breath and looked up at her boss. “That guy gives me the creeps.”
“It’s not just that one guy, and you know it. Customers have been complaining about your cold shoulder ever since you came back to work. What’s gotten into you?”
Dan. Dan and Jesus. Dixie took a deep breath.
“Dude.” Seth stepped in front of her. “You’re nothing better than a pimp if that’s all the value you place in your waitstaff.”
Kristoff’s bushy eyebrows met in the middle as he stabbed a beefy finger in Seth’s chest. “No one asked you.”
“Please...” Dixie’s voice came out a squeak.
“You with him?” Her boss looked at her even as he kept a hand on Seth.
“Um, not exactly. I mean, I know him, but—”
“Get out.” Kristoff shoved Seth at the door. “Don’t come back.”
“Not without her.”
No. This was a bad time for Seth’s chivalry... or was it? Maybe he was giving her the opening she needed. Since her meeting with Juanita yesterday and the prayers she’d prayed, she’d dreaded coming back to work tonight even more than she already had been.
Dixie straightened, not that she came past Kristoff’s burly chest even so. “I quit. I just need to go get my stuff, and I’m out of here. Mail me my paycheck.”
“There’s no need for that nonsense.” Kristoff rolled his eyes. “Get back in there and do your job. And step it up a notch, will you?”
“The lady says she quits.”
“And I told you to get lost.”
Seth was going to have to hold his own. Dixie ducked under Kristoff’s arm then strode through the bar to the staff room at the rear. Decision made, she didn’t want to take the time to change her clothes, but there was also no way she wanted to experience twenty below after midnight with so little on. She shimmied out of the uniform and dropped it on the floor then donned her jeans and sweatshirt, tugged on her boots, and grabbed her jacket and purse.
Dixie hesitated. Her car was parked out back. Seth was in the front, if he hadn’t already left. No way did she want to traverse the crowded lounge if she didn’t have to. Back door it was.
Her hands shook as she stabbed the key at the ignition. She was crazy. She needed this job. Needed it to keep paying her share of Tanisha’s rent. For clothes and makeup. Fuel for her car.
She backed out of the parking spot and navigated around to the front of the building, but there was no sign of Seth in the softly falling snow. She needed to thank him for his intervention, even though it had brought everything to a peak before she was ready. She could have flirted with the stupid customer, cowed to Kristoff, and kept the job she hated for another week or two until she’d found something different once the Christmas rush was over. On the other hand, what was done was done, and it had been coming.
Why hadn’t she talked to Juanita about her work yesterday? Asked for advice? Surely a pastor’s wife wouldn’t have told her to keep a sleazy job, though.
Dixie drove the dozen blocks to Tanisha’s apartment and climbed the stairs only to find the wreath backwards on the door. Great. Her friend was “entertaining.” Dixie pivoted and marched back toward her car just as Seth pulled into the lot. What was he doing here?
He rolled down his window. “Good. You made it home. Just checking.”
Not someone else with ulterior motives. She clutched her red handbag to her chest. “I’m fine.”
He angled his head to one side. “But it looks like you’re leaving again.”
“Tanisha is... occupied.”
Seth laughed. “Figures. Want to go for a coffee? One of the fast-food places, maybe.”
“I hate coffee.”
This time his laugh came from the gut. “You what? I’ve seen you drink it several times.”
“Helps sober me up. Doesn’t mean I like it.” If anything, she associated it with a hangover. Like that made it appealing?
“Tea then. Or hot chocolate. Or ginger ale. Whatever.”
Dixie studied him. “Okay.” She dropped her keys back in her purse, rounded his car, climbed in, and fingered snowflakes out of her hair. “I’ve got nothing better to do.”
Seth turned toward Division Street and glanced across at her. “I went into Kristoff’s hoping to see you tonight.”
“If you think me getting in your car means anything besides coffee, let me out at the corner.”
He shook his head. “Relax. I’m not after your virtue.”
She didn’t have any, anyway. “What then?”
“Remember I told you I’d been religious once?”
Dixie’s ears perked up. “Yeah. What happened?”
“God’s got a sense of humor, is all I can say.”
“What do you mean?”
“It means I spent Christmas with my family and came to my senses. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the Bible story about the prodigal son, but I—”
“I do know it! I love that one, especially the bit about everyone celebrating his return with overflowing joy.”
Seth angled into a brightly lit parking lot. “You’ve read it?”
“My ex’s sister told me about it, and I looked it up. That was a few weeks ago, and I’ve read it a pile of times since. It’s just such a hopeful story for someone who’s made as big a mess of her life as that son did.”
He turned toward her, leaving the car idling. “I hear you. There’s a lot of hope in it. There’s a lot of hope in the Bible as a whole. I can�
�t believe I just shut it all out of my life for so long. I know you were talking about your ex finding Jesus, and I needed to tell you—”
“I found Him.”
“You what?”
“Yesterday. I was having a really bad day.” She closed her eyes, wincing. “My mother’s a hot mess, so I drove by Dan’s, hoping for a glimpse of the kids, but no such luck. Then I found myself in the church parking lot. I’ve been seeing a counselor who happens to be a pastor’s wife about how to handle this custody stuff with my kids, and I don’t know why I went to the church on Christmas afternoon. I mean, the doors were locked. No one was there.”
Seth waited.
“Except she saw me out her kitchen window and came over through the snow and unlocked the door and invited me in. We talked. I prayed.” Dixie shivered. “I have no idea what to do now, especially since I don’t have a job anymore.”
“Knock on your ex’s door and walk back in?”
“There’s legal stuff in motion. I think I could be arrested for doing that.” It almost seemed worth the risk, but... no. She might’ve been a believer for under forty-eight hours, but she knew enough not to jump in like that.
“That’s a tough spot to be in. Is that what you want, though?” Seth reached across the center console and covered her hands with his. “Or just a fresh start?”
She tugged free. “My kids? Dan? Yeah. That’s what I want.” Could she have another chance, though?
Seth sighed. “I like you, Dixie. We’ve got so much in common.”
“Don’t start. This isn’t a good time for me in any way. I have to get my head screwed on straight. I mean, I’ve started, but I’m just far enough along to see how long the road really is.” She swallowed hard. “I’m not giving up on Dan and the kids. Not yet. Maybe never. I don’t know, but I can’t make those kinds of decisions right now.”
“I get it. I do.” Seth thumbed over his shoulder to the brightly lit restaurant behind them. “Let’s go get that coffee, or whatever you’re having.”
Dixie pushed the car door open and stepped out into several inches of fresh snow. Good thing she’d taken the time to get properly dressed before leaving Kristoff’s. Her boots were a necessity tonight, not a fashion accessory. Except for their slick soles.
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