And that was the crux of it. That last question had been the one she didn’t want to ruminate on too closely. Too painful.
That night at the end of the evening, Ryann and Ayanna had been walking back toward the apartment complex and had spotted Jonathan outside the entrance helping a cute blonde out of a cab with a couple of suitcases.
That led to Ayanna’s second encounter with the man.
Ayanna would never have made a play for him had she known he was taken. When they arrived at the entrance, they were introduced to the woman from the cab. Ayanna had turned to Jonathan right after and commented that she didn’t realize he had been seeing anyone.
Without acknowledging her remark, he had simply looked at her then began making small talk with the group. Ayanna, however, had had enough humiliation for one night. She politely said goodbye and got in the very cab that had dropped the woman off, feeling dejected and depressed. Ryann had texted her moments later informing her that the cute blonde was his cousin who had just moved into town. She apparently was staying with him for a bit until she found a place of her own.
That little nugget of information had pissed her off. It had hurt that he didn’t come clean.
And she hated it.
Coming to grips with the fact that a man she actually wanted probably didn’t want her because he thought she was slutty, bothered her more than she realized it would. And she wasn’t. Slutty, that is. She just dated losers. And there had been quite a few of them. But if she was going to be deeply honest with herself, she wanted a good man. A man with whom she could share her life, her passions.
Her heart.
And she wanted to be worthy of him, and he of her.
Ayanna realized then and there she needed to think a lot of things through. If she wanted a good guy, she would need to start analyzing some things about herself, not the least of which was her approach.
Jonathan’s denial began the long and agonizing sojourn of self-reflection, ultimately leading to the self-imposed Lenten journey of her 40 day fast from the pleasures of the flesh. It began forcing her to focus her mind on herself during this sacrificial time.
And it was definitely a sacrifice, as she imagined Christians for a millennia could attest. She’d spent the last 23 days thinking of only herself for once, in a good way. She’d started looking at her motivations, her desires, and her reasons for acting the way she did. Even though Day 41 would mean she would finally be able to have sex again, she was determined to only do it when she found the right guy. She wanted to feel worthy of him, because she wasn’t sure if she deserved better than what she had been giving herself.
She wanted a man to actually know her; like her for her.
So she needed to change her approach, and figure out a way to be herself but not so ‘in your face’ flirty that she appeared promiscuous. She definitely had her work cut out for her. Reprogramming over 15 years of unhealthy behavior wasn’t easy, but she was determined.
No stranger to hard work, she had single handedly put herself through college by earning scholarships. Now a successful food blogger and talented cook, she currently worked at a popular restaurant in Manhattan as a sous chef. She was happy. She had part of her career on the right track. Now she just needed to get her personal life straightened out, and the sooner she got started, the better.
She dug her elbows deep into the next box. It was the memory of her most recent encounter with Jonathan that had her almost throwing things across the room from the newspaper wrapping as she was unpacking. She huffed with frustration as she remembered it from a month earlier.
About four weeks back, she had seriously wanted to kick his ass, and coincidentally it was the same day Ryann had been shot. The two incidents were the impetus that pushed her into making her decision to write off sex for a while.
It was at Jeremy and Ryann’s 4th of July barbeque at their brownstone in the West Village. Knowing Jonathan was going to be there, she’d chosen her outfit carefully, wanting to show the beginning of the new Ayanna: a sexy but tasteful pair of white shorts, a fitted sleeveless top, and red wedge sandals to show off her long shapely legs.
She was surprised and thrilled when Jonathan had approached her. They’d started a polite conversation in an uninhabited corner, but the talk quickly digressed into a frustrating argument about society and why people act the way they do, with her calling him a hypocritical, judgmental asshole, and him actually accusing her of dressing the way she did so men would only look at her body.
He had actually implied that she didn’t care that men only saw her as a piece of meat. Well, he didn’t say that, but she was sure that was what he meant.
Bastard.
They’d gotten into a heated argument, with her calling him every name in the book, and the altercation ending with Ryann trying to diffuse the situation by calling Jon out on his comment about Ayanna’s clothes. He had looked uncomfortable, muttered something under his breath, and stomped away.
Condescending, patronizing jerk.
It was a nice outfit, too. She could’ve dressed a whole lot more provocatively, but she was trying to turn over a new leaf, for cryin’ out loud. God, he had acted just like her father.
Hypocritical, conceited jackass.
She was still smarting from the encounter. Ryann thought there might be a story there, and was sure he was sorry for what he’d said to Ayanna. Ryann’s theory was that he found her attractive but didn’t want to act on it for some reason.
Either way, he’d never apologized even though he had ample opportunity to do so. Just the week before she had seen him when a bunch of friends had stopped by the brownstone to check on Ryann after her bout in the hospital. Jonathan had been there and had watched her intently from across the room, but had never once approached her.
Well, fine then. She didn’t give a flying fuck anymore. She just needed to stay away from him.
Glad she was taking a break from sex since her ‘Come to Jesus’ talk with Ryann, she’d been taking the time to truly evaluate who she was, check her motivations, and think through what she really wanted. Her first discovery? Self-reflection was a bitch.
The knock on the door startled her from her musings. She hadn’t heard the intercom, and a feeling of dread crept over her as she slowly approached the door. If the intercom hadn’t buzzed, then it could only mean it was someone who was already in the building.
Butterflies took flight as she wondered if it might be the condescending asshole from the seventh floor. She took a breath and looked through the peephole.
Chapter 2
Ayanna laughed with relief, stepped back and threw open the door.
“Hey!” Ryann laughed as she stepped through the doorway. She threw her arms around Ayanna and hugged her tight. Following Ryann were Janie Callahan and Emily White, two women with whom Ayanna was quickly becoming good friends.
The three attractive women, all in their late 20’s, found their way into the apartment. Her best friend Ryann Thornton, who had dark auburn hair and hazel eyes, led the bunch. Her five foot three inch frame was slightly taller due to her signature high heels. The woman had a serious shoe fetish.
Janie, who was cousins with Ryann’s boyfriend Jeremy, was a kindred spirit. Both she and Ayanna had recently discovered they had studied cooking in Paris within a year of each other, and Janie was now the proud owner of her own up and coming catering business in Manhattan, The Local Yokel, which used only locally grown and organic foods. Her long bouncy strawberry blonde hair curled along her back, while her green eyes sparkled. Although she had a trim five foot five inch build, her spectacular boobs gave her a voluptuousness that caught the eye of any man walking by. She had a white box in her hand and Ayanna’s mouth started to water, hoping it contained some of her culinary delights.
Surprisingly, Ayanna had really grown to like the last woman to enter, Emily White. Not because Emily didn’t have a kick ass personality. She did. But the woman was cousins with Jonathan, as in the Jonathan. She was
actually the cute blonde who had been getting out of the cab in front of the apartment complex several weeks earlier. A smart attorney who’d recently moved to the City from Boston, she had just started working at a prestigious law firm in Manhattan. She didn’t take anyone’s shit, and with her very petite but cute and curvy figure, wavy dirty blonde hair, brown almond shaped eyes and smart glasses, she was a tiny thing and completely unassuming, barely reaching five foot one or two. Which was precisely why she was a good lawyer. No one expected to get their asses handed to them in her presence.
“Well, shit,” Ayanna drawled. “It looks like George’ll let anything in off the street. Janie, did you flash him your boobs, or something?” she asked, referring to the doorman who hadn’t called her on the intercom when they’d arrived.
“Nope,” Emily answered for Janie. “Turns out she didn’t have to. All it took was one hug from Ryann and we were in,” Emily chuckled. “The man has a wicked crush on her,” she said in her Boston accent.
“Hey, what can I say? I was a good tenant. He misses me,” Ryann shrugged.
“Good tenant, my ass,” Ayanna snorted. “Mrs. Holland from next door has already asked me if I plan on having screaming sex in here like the former tenant.”
“She did not!” Ryann blushed to the roots of her hair, while Janie stuck her fingers in her ears, yelling, “Lalalalalalala...I don’t wanna hear about my cousin and Ryann gettin’ it on, thank you!”
Ayanna grabbed Ryann and gave her a smacking kiss on the cheek, then continued ribbing her. “It’s so good to know you’re getting it on a regular basis, girlfriend. I’ve never met anyone more in need of a fuck than you.”
Still red in the face, Ryann blurted, “Alright, Yan. Geez.” She rolled her eyes and flopped onto the floor with all of the other girls since there was no living room furniture.
“I should’ve left you my couch,” Ryann said. “I don’t even need it any time soon. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.”
“Getting shot sometimes addles your brain, Ry,” Ayanna said. “Don’t worry about it, sweets. I need to get to IKEA and get some stuff. It’s about time I got some big girl furniture. I’ve always depended on my roommates having things. Not anymore,” Ayanna beamed. “It’s awesome.”
“You’re only getting this if you promise never to talk about my cousin’s sex life again in my presence,” she said holding out the white box, wiggling it temptingly in front of Ayanna’s nose.
“Promise. Actually, I’ve given it up for a while anyway.”
“What, talking about my cousin’s sex life?”
“No. Having a sex life.”
Ryann laughed, already aware of Ayanna’s decision, but Janie screeched, “What?!” while Emily’s eyebrows shot up into her hairline.
“You know, Mrs. Holland might think you’re Ryann screaming, so unless you want her coming over to grill you, I suggest you dial it back a notch,” she said dryly.
“Whatta you mean, you’re giving up sex?!” Janie yelled, as if Ayanna hadn’t said a word.
Ayanna chuckled, then got serious.
“I mean,” she paused and gave Ryann a knowing look before saying to Janie, “that I need some time to reflect, and take a good look at how I relate to men, and I thought it would be helpful for me to take a break from sex. That way, when I choose to have it again, it will be with a man who sees me and not just my body. And it will also help me to see him in a new light, too. Maybe it will make the experience—I don’t know—maybe it’ll mean something, rather than just rutting with some asshole of a guy.”
Ryann reached out and took her hand. “I’m so proud of you,” she said, misty eyed. “Seriously. It’s such a mature thing to do.”
Ayanna grinned at Ryann’s waterworks. Ryann hated crying, but there was no helping it. She was definitely a crier. It was her emotion of choice.
“Yeah, yeah,” Ayanna said trying to blow it off, but Ryann wouldn’t let her.
“No, don’t do that. I’m sure it’s not easy, but I know it’s giving you time to think and reflect about your motives. And when you choose to have sex again, it will be with the right guy,” she finished quietly.
Both Janie and Emily had looks that said Wow, but then looked like they weren’t sure if they were supposed to leave the room while she and Ryann were discussing such a personal matter.
“Don’t worry. This isn’t necessarily private information. I’m on Day 23 of my 40 day fast, and holding strong.” She took a cleansing breath and looked at Janie. “And, wait for it, I’ve also given up pizza.”
“Ugh. Don’t tell me that!” Janie exclaimed.
“Please don’t tell me there’s pizza in that box,” Ayanna groaned. “Because it smells fucking incredible.”
“Welcome to your new home, Yan,” Janie said with a lopsided smile.
Ayanna opened it up, and there in the box were little gorgeous mini artisan versions of Ayanna’s favorite food.
“Oh! These are beautiful! I need to get my camera,” Ayanna said, as she skipped into the bedroom. She could hear the women chuckling. Ayanna returned, ready to display them on a dish and take some pictures.
“These are meant to be eaten, Yan,” Janie laughed.
“I know, but they’re perfect for my blog. That’s why I gave up pizza at the same time as the sex. So I could incorporate the feeling of sacrifice into the food blog, and write about the experience of how to see foods that we eat often in a fresh new way. Talk amongst yourselves,” she said, waving her hand in the air. “No one eats these things until I get a couple of pics.” She took out one each of the small pizzas on the exquisite crackers and breads with their artisan cheeses and toppings, and set them on one of her rustic pottery plates. Then she started snapping away.
“These are great, Janie. I can’t wait to eat them! I want details on ingredients and everything,” she muttered, while focusing the camera.
Janie laughed, delighted that her fellow culinary buddy found such joy in her creations. “First of all, you just said you gave up pizza. And secondly, I thought it was time to try out some of my new ideas. I’m pretty excited about them.” She rubbed her hands together. “Are you gonna eat one?”
Ayanna took the last of the photos and then snorted, “Hell yeah! Just one though. I can’t believe it’s been 23 days since I’ve had one.” Ayanna was trying to justify breaking the fast for a moment. “I mean, it’s not like these are your traditional pizzas,” she said dramatically. “It’s amazing how we can rationalize,” she muttered with a roll of the eyes. “Okie dokie. Time to dig in.”
She took one off the plate and savored the first bite. Mild and buttery brie cheese, a crispy whole grain crust with notes of rosemary, topped off with caramelized onion. Delicious.
Amidst the groans of pleasure coming from all of the girls, Ayanna reached over to Janie and took her hand. “Thank you. This is the best present ever. We need to talk seriously one of these days. We have to do something together, don’t you think?”
Janie’s eyes took on an excited glint. “Yes! I’ve been thinking that ever since the 4th of July barbeque! Let’s put a date on the calendar so we can start brainstorming.”
“Will do.”
“You guys should totally get something going together. It makes all the sense in the world,” Ryann added.
“Yup, let’s definitely set something up. Have your people call my people, and let’s start changing the culinary landscape of Manhattan!” Ayanna grinned, feeling the anticipation of a potentially new venture.
She really liked Janie, and with Janie’s business sense, mixed with Ayanna’s blogging and creative marketing ideas, she believed they could go far. They both had similar philosophies about cooking, supporting the idea of using organic, locally grown whole foods. Given that they were both talented cooks to boot, Ayanna felt the zing of excitement course through her.
After a moment or two of setting up a time to meet, Ryann interrupted.
“So, ever since the shooting, Jere
my and Michael have been talking, and Jeremy asked Mike if he would teach me a few self-defense moves. I kinda like the idea, so I was wondering,” she hesitated, “any chance you guys want to join me?” She contorted her face into a pleading look, adding a wheedling tone to her voice.
Michael was Janie’s older brother and also happened to be a detective with the NYPD. It was Michael who had shot and killed the art thief responsible for shooting Ryann at the Institute several weeks earlier.
“Mike’s taught me a couple of moves over the years, but it’s been awhile since I’ve practiced them. I’m game,” Janie said.
“Yay!” Ryann turned to Ayanna and Emily. “Do you two wanna come? It could be fun, and it certainly doesn’t hurt to know a little self-defense living in the City.”
“Sure, why not?” Ayanna was game, too.
“Mike’ll be teaching it?” Emily asked casually, a strange smile on her face.
Ayanna watched Emily carefully. There was some definite friction between her and the detective. Every time they were together, sparks seemed to fly.
Total sexual tension, she suspected.
“Yeah. He said he’d reserve the gym at the precinct and we’d do it there.”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” Emily smiled.
Ryann chuckled. Ayanna figured she suspected the same thing.
“Nice. We should all do dinner afterwards or something. Someplace nice. Maybe Jonathan and Luke will want to come. How about a week from tonight? That way, it’s a Monday and Ayanna won’t have to work,” Ryann suggested. “We’ll all bring a change of clothes for dinner after the class.”
Ayanna sighed. It looked like she was finally going to see Jonathan. At least she’d have built in buffers so she wouldn’t have to talk to him.
Everyone agreed on the dinner idea, and the date was set.
“How’s Tiffany been?” Ryann asked Janie.
Tiffany and Luke Daniels were twins who had grown up with Jeremy, Michael, and Janie. In her early 30’s and recently divorced, Tiffany was living for a short while with Janie until she could find her own place. Like Emily, she’d also relocated from Boston.
Redemption (Iris Series) Page 2