[11] An extreme accumulation of fat on and about the buttocks, esp. of women.
[12] In November of 2000, a woman in Newport News, Virginia, purchased an order of chicken wings from McDonald’s. The wings were being tested in that market. When the woman got home she discovered a severed and fried chicken head in the package, beak and all. The absence of fried chicken heads on McDonald’s menus would seem to indicate that they were not a big hit in the test market.
[13] Frumunda cheese - frumunda my balls.
[14] Other fun prison slang: Diaper Sniper = child molester; family style = sodomy in missionary position; old lady = passive partner in homosexual prison relationship.
[15] The Great Gray Slug, limax maximus, has unusual mating practices. The hermaphrodite slugs will court each other for hours, circling and licking each other. Then the slugs will climb to a high area and, whilst entwined together, lower themselves on a thick strand of mucus, entwine their sexual organs and exchange sperm. Sometimes their corkscrew shaped penises will become entangled in their mate’s genitalia while exchanging sperm. When this occurs and they are unable to disentangle themselves, one or both slugs will chew each other’s penises off. Once a slug’s penis has been removed, it can still mate, but only using the female parts of the reproductive system.
[16] Yes, the author made up his own word. Muddlement. And it is a good word. Try using it in conversation and you will find it is quite satisfying. Make up your own words and challenge people to look them up in the dictionary. When they can’t find your words in their dictionary, tell them it’s because they have a cheap, shitty, out-of-date dictionary. Challenge them to purchase the entire set of the Oxford English Dictionary and tell them that there they will find your fake words. When they don’t, tell them they are stupid and that you made up your own words. If they have a problem with it, slap them in the face with a glove, demand satisfaction, and challenge them to a duel with the weapon of their choosing.
[17] How many cops does it take to throw a suspect down the stairs? None, he fell.
[18] I know, I know, another made up word. But droopage is fun to say. Repeat it five times quickly and poke yourself in the eye with a pencil. Droopage seems to lose the meaning it never had in the first place when you do that, doesn’t it?
[19] The word irregardless, believed to be a combination of irrespective and regardless, is often listed as nonstandard or improper in dictionaries due to its double negative use of ir (a prefix meaning not) and less (a suffix meaning without). However, it has become widely used and is slowly inching its way toward being a proper and accepted word. In the spirit of making up new words, I am throwing my support behind irregardless and attempting to help it move in the direction of standardization, if for no other reason than to irritate snooty vocabulary police.
[20] Lutefisk is a traditional Nordic dish of air-dried whitefish soaked in caustic soda lye, making the fish into a gelatinous stinky blob. Today more lutefisk is consumed in Wisconsin than in Norway.
[21] If you don’t got Mojo Nixon, then your store could use some fixin’.
[22] Cleavage.
[23] At this point the author must thank his readers for allowing this one self-indulgent passage. The fat, bloated, piece-of-shit anchor represents a reviewer of the author’s first novel, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed. The reviewer’s name has been changed. But, the tall man’s reaction is what the author felt like doing when he read the review. The author once again says thank you. Damn, that felt good!
[24] Polymastia is the condition of having an extra breast (or accessory breast). Accessory breasts may occur with or without nipples and areolae. Some can lactate. The extra breasts can appear, in rare cases, on the neck, face, shoulder, back, buttocks, thighs or even on a foot.
[25] 95% of adults say they wash their hands after using public restrooms but observational studies have shown that the actual number of hand washers is far lower. Hand-washing behavior increases when an observer is present. A person is more likely to wash his hands in a public restroom if he knows the behavior is being watched by another. This has been explained by the theory of objective self-awareness. It is theorized that attending to one’s self increases adherence to social norms. Self-awareness is enhanced by being watched by others. Thus, having an observer present in the restroom may remind a user of the social norm to wash his hands.
[26] The technical/medical term for Askew’s throat cheese is tonsillolith, commonly referred to as tonsil stones. Tonsilloliths are irregularly shaped, whitish/yellow, foul-smelling globs of mucous and bacteria that get caught in the back of the throat. They form in the tonsil crypts which are small pockets or divots that appear in the tonsils. Why do people smell them? Who knows? But talk to anybody who has coughed one up and, if they are honest, they will tell you they took a whiff of it and regretted it.
[27] By the way, Slumbering Grundish would be a very cool band name, and I am willing to sell the rights to it at a very reasonable price.
[28] Vincent Van Gogh did not cut of his entire ear as many believe, only the earlobe. He cut the earlobe off with a razor and delivered it to a prostitute named Rachel, telling her: “Guard this object carefully.” Many attempts have been made to diagnose Van Gogh’s madness, attributing his mental problems to, among other things, lead poisoning, absinthe ingestion, syphilis, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and temporal lobe epilepsy.
[29] Rock-n-Roll mythology provides that during a concert, Alice Cooper once shat on the stage and Frank Zappa ate the shit. Some versions have Zappa shitting and Alice Cooper eating it. Other versions have Alice Cooper stomping baby chickens to death and then Zappa shitting on the stage. Responding to the allegations, Frank Zappa denied the rumors, saying that he never shit on stage and the closest that he ever came to eating shit was at a Holiday Inn in Fayetteville, North Carolina, in 1973.
[30] Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr., is the given name of rapper, actor, certified football coach, and creator of the Pig-Latin-like suffix -izzle, Snoop Dogg.
[31] Sordes Pilosus is a small pterosaur that lived during the late Jurassic period of the Mesozoic Era. It’s name literally means hairy devil.
[32] On September 13, 1980, Willie Nelson performed on the south lawn of the White House for President Jimmy Carter. First Lady Rosalyn Carter joined Nelson for a duet of Up Against the Wall Redneck Mother. Later that night, Nelson retired to the roof of the White House to smoke a joint. In his biography, Nelson admitted that whenever he stayed at the White House, he would smoke a “big fat Austin Torpedo.”
[33] The Aztecs are said to have sacrificed at least one person per day to aid the sun in rising. A good portion of the humans sacrificed were war captives. It was said that those who were sacrificed would become helpers of the sun and could return as humming birds and butterflies.
[34] In the seventeenth century, the Roman Catholic Church ruled that beaver was a fish for purposes of dietary law. Therefore, the Church’s general prohibition on the consumption of meat on Fridays during Lent does not apply to beaver meat.
[35] Some members of the Church of Latter-day Saints wear what is known as temple garments (or holy undergarments). The white, sleeved undergarments come in a one-piece suit or a shirt and shorts. The design covers the torso and extends to the knee. Men’s shirts feature scoop necks. Women’s shirts often have cap sleeves and lace trimming and are to be worn under bras. The temple garments are viewed as an either symbolic or literal source of protection from the evils of the world. Jerry is not Mormon, he just likes the idea of undergarments that protect him from evil.
[36] Yes another made up word. Scritch seems like a better word for the act of scratching an animal’s head affectionately. Credit is given to Marcus Eder, author of Rorschach’s Ribs for the word.
[37] What’s the difference between a dead prostitute and a Corvette? I don’t have a Corvette in my garage.
[38] Humans are not the only animals that participate in prostitution. Adelie penguins
have been observed conducting transactions for sex. Some of the female penguins have been observed “turning tricks” for stones used to build their nests. Typically the females already have a lifelong mate (as penguins do) but will copulate with single males in the flock in exchange for stones.
[39] Cabron is Spanish for bastard. More fun Spanish vulgarity: cagar is to crap; puta is whore; mierda is shit; cojones are testicles.
[40] Psychogenic polydipsia is an uncommon mental disorder characterized by excessive water-drinking in the absence of a physiologic stimulus to drink.
[41] A bezoar formed from hair is called a trichobezoar. Rapunzel Syndrome is a rare intestinal affliction in humans which results from eating hair and causes the formation of a trichobezoar. The human gastrointestinal tract is unable to digest human hair, so, trichobezoars usually need to be surgically removed. A bezoar in the large intestine is known as a fecalith.
[42] The world record for the loudest burp is 107.1 decibels, set by Paul Hunn in London, England, on September 24, 2008.
[43] La Maja Desnuda (The Nude Maja), c. 1800, by master Spanish painter, Francisco De Goya, is considered to probably be the first well-known European painting to show a female’s pubic hair.
[44] Nineteen is the number of angels who are appointed as guardians of hell, according to the Qur’an, (Sura 74:30).
[45] Timber rattlesnakes.
[46] Contrary to popular belief, the gelatin in foodstuffs such as Jell-O, does not come from horse hooves. Horse hooves are made of keratin. Gelatin is made from collagen that is derived from cattle bones, cattle hides, and pigskins.
[47] Olde Frothingslosh, the pale stale ale with the foam on the bottom. Brewed by the Pittsburgh Brewing Company. Guaranteed to fit any shape glass.
[48] The familiar term Slipping a Mickey refers to the practice of secretly dosing a person’s drink with chloral hydrate in order to incapacitate the person. The terms Mickey and Mickey Finn (the drink in which the drug has been placed) are likely derived from Michael “Mickey” Finn, a Chicago bartender for the Lone Star Saloon and Palm Garden Restaurant. In the early 1900s Finn was accused of slipping knock-out drops into the drinks of customers known to have money, having the incapacitated patrons of his establishment dragged to a back room where they would be divested of their belongings, and then dumping the victims into the back alley.
[49] Be on the lookout.
ALSO BY LANCE CARBUNCLE
SMASHED, SQUASHED, SPLATTERED, CHEWED CHUNKED AND SPEWED – Idjit Galoot has a problem. He escaped from his master’s house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans. When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of Idjit Galoot’s ne’er do well owner and his efforts to work his way back to the dog that he loves. Along the way, Idjit’s owner encounters Christian terrorists, swamp-dwelling taxidermists, carnies, a b-list poopie-groupie, bluesmen on the run from a trickster deity, and the Florida Skunk Ape.
OTHER TITLES FROM VICIOUS BOOKS AUTHORS
RORSCHACH’S RIBS, by Marcus Eder – Escher Smallwater can’t sleep in. That’s the least of his problems. Two years shy of thirty and recently laid off from his job in advertising, Escher has a lot to deal with in his life right now. Forced to make some changes since losing his job, his lifestyle is gone and suddenly the American Dream seems more like a nightmare. As Corporate Charlie bares his darker side by way of recessions and hiring freezes, Escher has found himself with more time to reassess his life, and he’s mad as hell. He will never be a rock star or date a supermodel. He doesn’t get carded at bars anymore, teenagers now think of him as creepy, and he prefers VH1 over MTV. He’s never been in love, his career path has essentially disappeared and somehow, he and his neighbors have inadvertently become the drug kingpins of St. Louis. A life once filled with Ikea catalogs and cubicles now consist of consumer guerillaism, lesbian strippers and a gold-toothed thug named Mo-Mo. All this and an impending high school reunion. Maintaining a sense of humor while exploring the darker side of contemporary culture, Rorschach’s Ribs explores what happens when the first generation destined to do worse than their parents grows old and starts questioning the American Dream. Through an eccentric, colorful cast of characters and a sharp cynical wit, Rorschach’s Ribs delves into a world of layoffs, recessions, target markets and the underbelly of capitalism.
NOBODY PUTS SWAYZE IN THE CORNER: THE TAO OF SWAYZE, by Phil Callaway, Marcus Eder – You got your Tao in my Swayze. Your Swayze’s in my Tao. Within the ancient passages of the Tao Te Ching there is great wisdom on how to live your daily life; how to live The Way. The same life lessons can be found in the sage-like colloquies born out of Patrick Swayze’s storied film career. This book pairs the philosophies of the Tao with various quotes from Patrick Swayze’s movies, offering inspiration and humor. Proceeds from this book will be donated to help fund Cancer Research. Please visit the publisher, Vicious Books, for more information.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Prologue
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37
Chapter the Last
Muchas Gracias
Excetra
Endnotes
Copyright and Permissions
GRUNDISH & ASKEW
Copyright © 2009 by Lance Carbuncle
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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
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