I jumped up and stepped away from the bed. So many thoughts whirled around that I couldn’t sort them out. I retreated to the living room and touched everything I owned, needing to find balance in my mind, but all I could hear were Charlie’s words. I pulled out my phone and dialed Clay.
“Was starting to think since your new friend was staying there, you’d forgotten about me.”
“I—He….” I swallowed hard.
“Charlie? What did he do?” Even though he was younger than me, Clay sounded very much like an angry big brother now.
“He wanted me to get in bed with him.”
“He what!” Clay got so loud I had to pull the phone away from my ear for a moment.
“No, not like that,” I hastened to explain. “He said… shit. This is coming out all wrong.”
“It better be. Now explain to me, using small words, what the hell you’re talking about.”
So I did. Clay was quiet as I went through what happened.
“Matt,” he growled. “You do not sleep with that man. I can’t believe… you know what? I’m going to come pick him up. His sister is still at his place, so she can either take care of him or he can go back to New York.”
I stared at my phone for a moment. I couldn’t imagine why Clay was so angry. “What? No. He’s not going anywhere. I want him to stay here. He didn’t upset me. I just got nervous.”
“Not the point. I’m leaving the office now. I’ll be there shortly.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “No.”
“Excuse me?”
I could tell his temper was on the rise, but so was mine.
“I said no. I’m not a child. I invited him here, so he’s staying. If—and let me stress if—I decide that I want to pursue a relationship with him, that’s my decision, not yours. I appreciate you trying to help, but you need to back off.”
He sputtered, said a few curse words, and then hung up. I took several deep, satisfying breaths before I slipped my phone back into my pants. It felt good to finally stand up for myself, even if only for a few minutes. I waited to see if Clay would call back, and when he didn’t, I went into the kitchen to put some things together in the Crock-Pot for tomorrow’s lunch and dinner, then stepped outside. The air had turned bitter. I looked at the old thermometer that hung on the side of the greenhouse and shivered when I saw it showed three degrees, far below our average of forty. I was starting to get a bad feeling about this.
…WITH OVERNIGHT temperatures falling to minus eight and dropping throughout the week! We’ve got a snowstorm forming in Canada that might bring us an early Thanksgiving gift that we doubt anyone wants: Up to sixteen inches of snow, with another front that has the potential to drop even more a few days after. Get those long johns out, because you’re gonna need them.
I switched the radio off, having learned everything I needed to know. The first powerful front of winter was bearing down on us weeks earlier than normal. I peeked into the bedroom. Charlie was still out, which was good. I had to make a decision. If the area was going to be buried by snow, then it might be best for Charlie to go back to town so he had access to the hospital, just in case something went wrong.
I fumbled with my phone when I took it out of my pocket. How much did it suck that I’d just told my brother off, and now I needed his help? I scrolled until his name came up and was ready to push the button when Charlie’s voice came from the bedroom.
“Matt? Where are you?”
I put the phone down on the table and hurried to see what Charlie needed.
“Oh, I thought you might have gone out.”
I tried really hard not to look at him like he was talking crazy. “Where would I go?”
“I don’t know. Fishing?”
My chin dropped to my chest. Yeah, I wasn’t thinking straight. Again. I should get dressed and go see about adding more provisions to the freezer.
“Hey, come here,” he said, patting the edge of the bed.
I sat gingerly, ready to bolt if the need arose. He reached out and took my hand, wrapping his fingers in mine.
“How are you feeling?”
“To be honest, a little rough.” He scratched his cheek and yawned. “Those pills really do a number on me.”
I rubbed a thumb over the back of his hand, which seemed to calm both of us. “And your ribs?”
“As long as you don’t make me laugh, I think I’ll live.”
“Well, then, it’s a good thing I’m not funny.”
He chuckled, then winced. “Yeah, you can be. Dry humor, but still makes me laugh.” He smiled and I turned my head away. “Okay, what’s wrong?”
“What do you mean?”
He cocked his head. “Really? You think after a few weeks of living here, I don’t know your tells by now? You won’t look me in the eye, so there’s something bothering you. You’re rubbing the back of my hand, so you’re nervous and the contact soothes you. So make it better for both of us and tell me what’s going on.”
I made a sound in the back of my throat that was suspiciously like a whine. “I think you might need to go back to town.”
He tried to sit up and pain flashed across his face. “Fuck!”
“Stop that. Just stay where you are.”
He glared at me. “So you’re telling me you want to get rid of me, and I’m supposed to just accept it? I thought things were going well.” He sighed, seeming so sad. “I’ll go if you want me to, but can you at least tell me why?”
“We’ve got a storm coming. Looks like it’s going to be a bad one,” I explained.
“Okay, still not seeing what that has to do with anything.”
“You fell this morning and got hurt. If something were to happen while you were here, we couldn’t get you to the hospital. And you’ve got your appointment in a few weeks to get checked out.”
He hummed. “Okay, I’m missing something here.” He struggled to adjust himself on the bed. “I did something stupid and paid the price. There’s a storm coming, which I assume is a snowstorm, and you think I’m better off in town. Does that about cover it?”
When he said it like that, it did sound somewhat ridiculous. I tried to stand, but he tightened his grip on my hand.
“Oh no. I can’t chase after you, so you need to stay where you’re at.”
I stared at our joined hands. Charlie was so unlike other people. They scared me. He… made me feel safe.
I needed to make him understand the situation. “I live miles from town. I don’t have a vehicle. Then there’s the fact that this is a pretty treacherous road—as you’re no doubt aware—and we’ve got snow coming. If the weather service is right, a lot of snow. What do you think is going to happen?”
Charlie gave a light shrug of one shoulder. “The town will plow. What’s the big deal?”
“On the ninth of January, we got nine inches of snow.”
“Right. It was sloppy, wet, and heavy. I helped to shovel out some of the neighbors.”
A quick sigh. Eventually he’d understand where I was going with this. “The weather didn’t get much above freezing. That snow didn’t melt from the roads around here until mid-February.”
His eyes flashed, and I knew he’d finally figured it out.
“You’re saying they won’t plow up here.”
“Exactly. I’m one person, living alone. My road doesn’t see much traffic, so they’re not important. The town won’t do anything out here. Every winter up here, I settle in, because I won’t be going anywhere.”
Charlie frowned as if he were deep in thought about what I’d just said. Then he looked up at me and smiled. “I still don’t see the problem here. If I’m going to be stuck somewhere, I’d rather it be with someone I like. Besides, it sounds romantic, don’t you think?”
I just gawped.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
“THIS ISN’T a joke,” I finally snapped. “We’ve had storms where I couldn’t get out of the house for a week because the snow had piled high against the door. Th
e only thing that works in my favor is that I’ve planned for it. I don’t schedule chores outside during the winter, because there is no way I can know if they’ll get done. So when things get crappy outside, I’m inside, warm and content with my books. I take a lot of naps. I cook, clean, and pick through the seeds I harvested in the fall for planting in spring.”
Charlie lay there and looked at me for several moments. “Oh, you’re done? Sorry. I was waiting for the downside to this.”
I couldn’t understand this man at all. He infuriated me, and for some reason, I didn’t mind it. Heaven help me, I liked it. For the first time in my life, I felt… well, seminormal… ish. Yes, Charlie did things that irritated me, but so had my mom and brother, and I still lived with them for two years after the incident. But Charlie was… I didn’t know how to explain it. He was so very different. He never got angry at me. With me, perhaps, but there was a difference. He didn’t lash out or scream at me. He talked to me in measured tones. I knew it was to keep me from freaking out, and I appreciated that.
Having him in the house had opened my eyes. I’d thought after I left home, I could never be with anyone again. But having Charlie here made me appreciate what having him nearby meant. He’d offer to help with my projects. More often than not, I said no, but I found myself saying yes to some small things. I loved watching him try to shuck seeds with his hand in a splint. He made an absolute mess, but I laughed instead of freaking out. I—no, best not to go there. This was only to help him out, and it wouldn’t—couldn’t—ever be anything more.
“You’re thinking too much,” he said as he tugged me closer. “Lie down, Matt. I promise I won’t do anything. I just want you to be by me.”
He let go of my hand, and I stood. I looked into his eyes and saw nothing but warmth. I stepped around to the other side of the bed and lay atop the comforter. He reached for my hand again, clasping it in his.
“I wasn’t kidding, you know. I don’t like it when I can’t see you or hear you. I don’t understand how you do it. To me, the house is too lonely without your presence in it. In town, I didn’t mind being alone. Here? I need you, Matt. You make this place more than a house—you make it a home.”
He squeezed my fingers gently. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t help but turn my head toward him. His smile called to me, made me want things I couldn’t explain. His lips were a soft pink, and I found myself moving closer to him. My hand was on his chest, my face moving closer. He put his fingers in my hair and held me against him.
“Listen.”
“To what?”
“Close your eyes and listen.”
I did as he asked. I closed my eyes and let the familiar sounds of my home and land surround me. I could hear the winds picking up, the sounds of the birds huddled in the trees as they waited for the weather to clear so they could gobble the seeds I’d left them, the sleet pelting against the windows. I started to move, but he kept a hand lightly stroking my hair.
“I don’t know what you want me to hear.”
“Then you aren’t listening close enough. Try again, okay?”
With a heavy sigh at this wasted time, I did as he asked.
“You’re making this a project when it doesn’t need to be, Matt. Just let go and trust yourself and me.”
For several minutes I still heard nothing. Frustration welled up inside of me, and I was about to tell him the whole thing was an exercise in futility when I heard it. A steady rhythm thudded gently in my ear, strong, dependable. I gasped.
“You hear it?”
Unable to speak, I nodded. I’d never heard another person’s heart beating. I had no idea why this had such an impact on me, but it did. Charlie’s clean scent, the feeling of the shirt fabric brushing against my face, the sound of his heartbeat, and the comfort I felt from all of them. It was too much. I sat up and stared at him.
“You look surprised.”
“Why did you ask me to do that?”
“Because I wanted you to hear the sound of my heart. You’re a person who appreciates consistency, and that’s probably the one organ in the body that always keeps going. Well, in theory, anyway. But my reasons for asking you to listen were selfish. I want you to know that you can depend on me too. Just like my heart, I’m going to keep going on and on.”
He reached out and put a hand on my cheek. He guided me toward him, and for a split second, I wanted to pull away. I didn’t, though. I let him guide me to where he wanted me. We were face-to-face, millimeters apart, and then it happened. Our lips touched ever so gently. He didn’t force it or try to take it deeper. He simply lay there with his lips pressed to mine. I reached a hand up and touched his face. He hadn’t shaved today, and his skin felt rough, prickly. But I liked it. I pushed in a little more, and he moaned. His mouth opened slightly, and I felt his tongue touch the crease of my lips. My mind struggled to catch up from the overwhelming sensations. I let his tongue slide in and touch mine. He tasted sweet, like sugar candy. Lightning striking me couldn’t have shocked me more. My cock surged to life, pressing against my pants. I wanted—no, I needed—him to touch me, to show me what I’d missed out on all these years.
“Charlie,” I gasped.
He pulled back slightly and looked me in the eyes. “Did you like that?”
I nodded mutely.
“I did too. You’re quite the kisser, you know.”
My face heated, and he chuckled.
“Can we do that again?” I asked, trying to maintain my poise so I didn’t start begging him for more kisses.
“As often as you like,” he promised, sliding his fingers along the back of my neck.
“And more?”
He scrunched his face up. “I’m not sure if you’re ready for more, and to be honest, I don’t know that I am either. You’re not someone who you meet and take back to your room for a quickie. You deserve better. And I want to give that to you. I want to give you my heart, Matt, because, of everyone I know in the world, I think it’s safest with you.”
What I did next, I never expected of myself. I lay beside him, with my head on his chest and my arm wrapped around his waist. It was the most intimate thing I’d ever done, and instead of freaking about it, I sank into the feelings.
Charlie kissed my hair, then whispered to me, “I’d really like it if you could try to sleep in the bed with me. I like having you here, where I can keep an eye on you.”
I jerked up, sputtering indignantly. “I’ll have you know, I don’t need anyone to watch me. I’ve been perfectly fine for more than a decade.”
He smiled at me. “You’re a little spitfire, aren’t you, Matt? Wanna know what I like best about you? After everything that’s happened to you, you’re still so strong. But have you considered I’m not doing this for you, and maybe it’s for me? Maybe having you near me settles something within me. We all have things we hold on to, stuff we need to settle the terror within us. Mine happens to be being here, with you. It gives me peace of mind. It makes me whole again.”
There was nothing I could say to that. It was the same for me. Having Charlie here meant everything, and I didn’t want him to leave. I’d never thought that I could live with someone, but now I was finding out that I was more afraid of living without someone.
“So don’t make me go. Please? Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it, I promise.”
I glanced up and saw him looking down at me. His expression made my chest tighten.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
It pretty much sucked as witty repartee, but it wasn’t the words as much as the emotions behind them. I was scooting closer, intent on kissing him again, when I heard a car outside the house. I sat up and peered out the window. “Fuck. It’s my brother,” I muttered.
Charlie tensed, which seemed unusual.
“Listen, Matt, there’s something I should tell you—”
“In a minute. I have to go see what he wants.”
I pushed off the bed and walked out of the bedroom, closi
ng the door behind me. I opened the front door, wanting to see why the hell Clay was here. Charlie kept trying to call me back, but I already saw Clay stomping toward me.
He pushed his way into the house, which set off my anxiety. “Where the hell is he?” he demanded.
“He’s in bed. He fell and hurt himself.”
Clay snorted. “I’m gonna do more than hurt him.”
He stormed toward the bedroom, brushing me aside when I tried to block him. Charlie was up, wobbling on his feet when Clay entered the bedroom. The expression on Clay’s face terrified me. I’d never seen him filled with so much rage before.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
Charlie held up a hand. “Clay, think about what you’re going to say before you open your mouth.”
“Oh, I know damn well what I’m going to say. You stay the hell away from Matt.”
“Excuse me? I think it’s my choice—” I tried to interject, but Clay turned his anger toward me, and I withered.
“I want you out of his house,” he growled at Charlie. “Now.”
“No,” Charlie replied, his tone showing a stubborn streak to match Clay’s.
Clay stalked toward Charlie and jabbed a finger into his chest, almost knocking him down. “You were supposed to get him out of here and back to town. Not play house with him! How can he ever get better if you’re feeding into his fantasies?”
Charlie’s gaze flicked to me, and in that moment, everything became clear as crystal. This had all been a setup. Charlie wasn’t here because he wanted me; he’d come because Clay had…. Goddammit. They’d played me for a fool.
“You set this up,” I said quietly. “Both of you. Now I get it. This was all bullshit.”
Charlie shook his head harshly. “No, Matt, I—”
I didn’t want to listen to any more lies now that I knew why he’d been so nice to me, why he’d worked so hard to get me to trust him. Fuck, I’d been so stupid. “Get out. Both of you.”
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