“Can you… uh… hang on a second?” I asked, then hit the mute button before she could reply. I glared at Charlie. “What the hell did you tell her about me?”
He at least had the decency to flush. “I told her you lived alone because you were nervous around people, especially new ones. And, so you know, the only reason I talked to her was I needed her advice on how to woo you.”
“Woo? No one says woo,” I snapped. But secretly I was delighted that he had asked his mother.
“Woo is a nice word. My mom was the one who used it, so blame her. Do you want me to take the phone back?”
Did I? “No.”
I let go of the mute button and tried to instill some confidence in my voice. “It’s a pleasure to talk to you, Mrs. Carver.”
“Oh, honey, no. You’ll call me Gail. I much prefer that to Mrs. Carver.” She paused. “Is that okay?”
“Thank you, Gail. That would be fine.”
She, like her son, seemed to be too sweet for words. When she talked, I knew she was doing her best not to intimidate me, as her voice kept a soft, even tone. It should have bothered me, because I hated being treated differently, but knowing Charlie had talked to her in advance, told her about me? That made me smile.
“Charlie’s dad would like to say hello. Is that okay?”
I took a deep breath, and she must have heard the hesitation.
“Honey, it’s fine if you’re not ready. He’ll be happy to wait.”
Well, damn. Now I knew where Charlie got his manners.
“I’d love to say hello,” I lied. Really, there had been so many changes in the past week, I’d spent a lot of time touching my treasures. Charlie knew that during those times, it was best not to talk to me, at least until I found my center again. When he reached out and took my hand, my gaze met his.
“I love you,” he mouthed.
“Hello!” a voice boomed over the phone. “Matt, right?”
“Yes, sir,” I replied, cringing at the sound of his voice.
Charlie sighed and took the phone from my hand. “Dad. Too loud. Try about fifty decibels lower. He’s not deaf.”
Whatever his father was saying had Charlie grinning like a loon.
“More flies with honey is all I’m saying. Now, do you want to try again?” He turned his gaze to me, and I nodded. He smiled, and it helped calm the butterflies. “Okay, here you go.”
“Hi, is this Matt?” he asked, his voice much softer than before.
“Yes, sir.”
“Sorry. I get excited and tend to get loud. I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I promise I don’t bite.”
“I’m not sure that’s true” came a voice in the background.
“Shut up, Gail,” he snapped, but I could hear the affection in his voice. “I am sorry. It’s an honor to get to talk to you. Charlie hasn’t stopped singing your praises. If it’s to be believed, you could be the Second Coming.”
My stomach flipped once more. I knew Charlie said he loved me, but to hear that he told his parents? God, that just about made everything perfect. And told me what I needed to do.
I didn’t speak long with his parents. The more we talked, the more nervous I got. Charlie must have seen it, because he held out a hand to me, and I gave him the phone, then went around the room, grounding myself. After he hung up, he came up behind me and pulled me toward the couch. I sat down beside him, and he tucked me in to his side.
“They adore you,” he whispered. “Mom thinks you’re so sweet. Dad likes the fact that you’re respectful. He didn’t get much of that from Mitch, who thought it was cool to call him by his first name without even being asked to.”
“I like them too,” I said. “Your mom sounds wonderful. I really want….”
“Want what, baby?” he asked softly. “Tell me what you want.”
“I want to go back to therapy.” I was now more certain of this than I had ever been. Still, it scared me. What if they couldn’t help me? What if it all got to be too much? Then I looked at Charlie and saw hope in his expression. “I never really thought about what I was missing out on until you came into my life. It’s been me and these four walls for over a decade. I want to see what else is out there. I want to be able to stand up and hold out my hand to your parents and introduce myself properly. I want to be worthy of the words you said to your parents.”
“You don’t have to be anything other than Matt. People will like you and accept you for who you are, or they won’t. Either way, the onus is on them. You should never have to change to satisfy anyone. I certainly hope you don’t think I want you to be a different person for me.”
“No,” I replied. “I want to be a different person for me.”
He kissed me on the head. “Then we’ll do it. Together.”
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
THE PHONE rang three times. I started chewing my nails, waiting for it to be answered. What could I say? It had been several years since we last spoke. Charlie told me I didn’t have to do this, but he was wrong. I needed to clear the air if I wanted to move forward with my life.
“Hello?”
The voice sounded older. A lot wearier than I remembered. Nervousness gnawed at my stomach because I knew a lot of it had to do with me.
“Hi, Mom.”
She gasped, and I heard her sob. I could picture her perfectly as she wrung her hands, and guilt welled up inside me. “Matt? Is it really you?”
“Yes’m,” I whispered, the feelings of how I’d disappointed her, the sadness and pain almost crushing me. It was so easy to cut myself off, to pretend like it didn’t matter, and then one small, insignificant thing brought it all rushing back.
“I—how are you?”
“I’m okay. How about you?”
She gave a rueful laugh. “I have a little bit of arthritis in my hands, but I’m still making pies for Christmas.”
Every year my mother made pies and took them to Mr. Gianetti. He and his family, along with many others in the town, got together and did a food bank for those who weren’t as fortunate. Back when I was a kid, too many people had to use it, because in a town like ours, jobs were hard to come by. I’d forgotten how important that was to her.
“I don’t want to sound rude, but why are you calling? Not that you can’t call,” she hastened to add. “It’s just… it’s been a while.”
She sounded so sad, and I didn’t know how to make it better. I hadn’t called to upset her, but that seemed to be the result. Charlie squeezed my hand, which helped me to focus. “I know what you and Clay did with Charlie.”
Her voice broke when she spoke. “I know. Clay’s devastated that he hurt you. And I’m so very sorry too. We just wanted you back. I know it was wrong of us, but—”
She had to stop. It wasn’t her fault. None of this was. It never had been. One event from my past had left me vulnerable. Not weak, because Charlie was right. I wasn’t weak at all. But my teacher had violated my trust, had made me push everyone else away, because I feared being hurt again.
“Mom, I want to go back to therapy,” I interjected.
“You… do?” She sounded confused.
“Yes. I’m not sure how I feel about what you and Clay did, but… well, I fell in love with Charlie. I need him, but in order to be with him, I need to come to terms with who I am. In order to do that, I need to go back to see Dr. Rob.”
She drew in a deep breath. “I knew you’d like Charlie. He seemed to be made for you.”
The pictures I’d had of lean-bodied baseball players, whose posters covered my walls, gave away my preferences pretty easily.
“He’s a writer,” I told her, proud of that fact.
“I know. I read his books.”
Charlie had told me she’d read his book, so that didn’t surprise me. Much. But the thought of my mom reading some of the hot scenes had me scratching my head. “You read gay sex?”
She gave a snort. “I told you so many times, Matt, love is love. And even on paper, I could tell that Don
ald cares for Lucien very much. If you found a love like that, then I’m so happy for you.”
I hadn’t spoken to her for years. She should be angry. She probably would be right in hanging up on me for how I’d treated her. Instead she was telling me that she still loved me, and how happy she was that I’d found love. I could feel the burning in my eyes and knew the tears wouldn’t be far behind. God, I’d become so emotional since I met Charlie. He must have seen, because he put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close. I needed him, so I allowed it without complaint.
“I’m so sorry, Mom,” I wailed. “I know you have to hate me, but—”
“You stop that!” she snapped. Then in a softer voice, she said, “You’re my son. I could never hate you. I won’t deny it hurt when you pulled away from us, but do you think I didn’t understand? I know that my telling you I wanted you to be normal had to hurt you every bit as bad. Worse, because you were just a kid. I was supposed to be the adult, and I let my hurt feelings get the better of me. It was a cruel thing for me to say, and I regret it more than you’ll ever know.”
But I did know. I understood it better than she realized. I stewed in my hurt for years, and it festered. It became my mantra about why I was better off alone, because no one could hurt me then. I didn’t need them to do it, though. I was hurting myself enough.
“Does Clay know?” Mom asked. “He was furious when he found out that Charlie was still out there with you.”
I shook my head, even though she couldn’t see me. “No,” I answered. “I’ll call him later. But I wanted to tell you that…. I wanted to say….” The lump in my throat made it so hard to get the words out. Even if she wasn’t angry with me, I was upset with myself. I’d acted out and walked away from the only person who had ever given me anything without conditions. She deserved so much better than me for a son. “Mom, I love you.”
“Oh, baby. I love you too. If you ever need me, I’m always going to be there for you.”
“I’m going to try to get better,” I sobbed, grateful when Charlie pulled me closer.
“You’ll be how you think is best,” she whispered. “I won’t hurt you again by trying to turn you into someone you’re not. We’ll move forward at your pace, but I wouldn’t object to a phone call every now and again.”
“I will,” I promised. “I should call Clay now. This could get ugly.”
“It won’t. He’ll be thrilled, believe me. Your brother has always been your biggest supporter. He was the one who always kept an eye on you. I’ll tell you a story, but you can’t let him know I said so.”
“Okay.” I tried to sit up, but Charlie held me tight. His touch was warm, comforting, and I simply couldn’t work up any annoyance at being pampered.
“After you moved, he came to me and worried about you being out there alone. His biggest fear was what would happen if you got hurt and there wasn’t anyone to help you. So he took it upon himself to come up with contingencies and ways around them. Every time he knew you were out fishing, he’d come over and measure windows, doors, glass from your greenhouse. Any and everything he could think of, so if something ever happened, he’d always know how to fix it.”
The realization struck me. When Charlie and Clay had come out to fix the door, I never once questioned how Clay had one that fit. I looked up at Charlie, who sat smiling down at me. “Did you know about my door?” Until that very moment, I had never even thought about why Clay would just happen to have a door he could put up at my house.
He smiled. “I asked him the next day. He fessed up to me about what he’d done, and even though I thought it was sneaky, I was really damn glad he’d thought of it. You don’t know how much your brother loves you.”
It was beginning to look like I was the only one who didn’t. Mom knew. Charlie knew.
“Was that Charlie?” Mom asked.
“Yes’m.”
“Can I speak to him for a moment? You’re welcome to put me on speaker so you can hear too.”
I fumbled with the phone briefly, then pressed the button. “Okay, you’re on speaker.”
“Hi, Charlie.”
“Hi, Mrs. Bowers.”
She was quiet for a moment. “Thank you for being there for my son,” she said, her voice choked with emotion. “He needed you, and I’m glad you stayed.”
“Oh no,” Charlie said. “I needed him more than he ever needed me. Until I met Matt, I hadn’t written much on Donald’s next book. I lost my direction, but Matt became my muse. When I’m with him, the words flow so smoothly, because I found the one thing I was missing. I found love again.”
I tossed the phone onto his lap and pushed out of his grip before I ran for the bedroom and buried my face in the pillow.
Charlie came hobbling in a few moments later. “A little overwhelmed?”
When I didn’t reply, he sat next to me and stroked my hair. It had become something I’d woven into my needs. His touch had become one of those things I needed in my life to make it right. He’d become an integral part of who I was. Or maybe who I wanted to become.
“I know I say this a lot, but you have to give yourself time. You’ve taken a lot of steps in a short time, and it’s bound to play havoc with your nerves. Slow your pace. Take a month, a year—hell, a decade. Whatever feels comfortable. I’ll be by your side, holding your hand. This is it for me, Matt. I’m in this for the long haul. If we never leave this property again, I’m okay with that.”
“I know.” I sniffled. “I understand what you’re saying, but I want to go see my mom. To sit on the sofa and have tea with her while we talk about Christmas. To see Clay shaking his gifts and asking me not to tell Mom I caught him.” I looked up at him, pleading with my eyes for him to understand. “I want my life back.”
He urged me down onto the bed and covered me with the comforter. “You need to rest now. Tomorrow is a whole new day, and we’re going to start it fresh.”
“But I’m not sleepy,” I whined. Truth be told, Charlie was right. I was beyond exhausted.
He leaned over and kissed my forehead, then ruffled my hair. “Want me to read you a bedtime story? I think I owe you one.”
I pulled the covers up to my chin, then gave him a grin. “Yes, please.”
“What would you like to hear?” he asked, no teasing at all in his tone.
How had I gotten so lucky?
“Would you read My Side of the Mountain?”
“Oh, I love that book! When I was little and we were living in New York, I wanted to run away to the woods and live far from any people. Maybe that’s why I’m so comfortable here. It’s my dream come true.”
“Except I’m here,” I said, trying to tease him a little.
He smiled at me. “That’s what makes it a dream. Now close your eyes. I’ll be back in a few.”
After he left, I snuggled in deeper. I heard him in the kitchen, and when I called out to ask what he was doing, he simply said he’d be in shortly. A few minutes later, I could hear the thump of his crutch as he crossed the floor, and then he appeared at the door, with two mugs in his hand and the book tucked under his arm.
“I made us some hot cocoa,” he said, placing the mugs on the nightstand. He went around to the other side of the bed and lay atop it. I handed him his cup, and he put it aside. He opened the book and began to read. It was totally different from when I read the book myself. Charlie’s voice was deep and his dulcet tones made hearing the story a whole new experience. The problem was, I fell asleep before he reached the third page.
CHARLIE WAS still sleeping when I woke up at five. The book was open on his chest, and some of the pages had fluttered to the floor. I picked them up and bound them with the rubber band again. I looked at Charlie, his face so placid. My heart thumped a little harder when I remembered his words of love. I wanted to wake him, ask him to say them again, but he needed his rest, so I left him in the bedroom while I went to start the coffee.
As the machine bubbled away, I pulled out my phone and scrolled
through the contacts until I found Clay. I dialed his number and waited for him to answer. After four rings, I started to wonder if he was going to ignore my call.
“Bowers,” he groaned into the phone. “This better be good, because I have a gun and I’m not afraid to use it.”
“Did I wake you?”
“Matt?” he asked, his voice a lot more alert.
“Hey. I’m sorry if I disturbed you.”
“No, it’s fine. Late night. One of the guys called out, so I pulled an extra shift. Just got to bed an hour or so ago.”
“Oh. I can call back later.”
“Don’t hang up,” he pleaded. “Please. I’m sorry, Matt. I had no business acting the way I did.”
“No, you didn’t. But I understand. Can I ask you a question?”
“Ask me anything you want.”
I poured the first cup of coffee, the rich aroma filling my nose. I leaned up against the counter, mug in hand, trying to think of the best way to phrase what was going through my head. “Do you love me?”
He snorted. “That’s a stupid question, and I think you know it. You’re my brother—how could I not?”
“It’s easy, believe me.”
I heard him shuffling around on the other end. “Yes, I love you. Is that the only reason you called?”
The coffee was smooth and warmed my insides as I took a sip. “No. I… I need to talk to you. Can you come over today?”
He didn’t say anything for a few moments. “Seriously?”
“Yes. We need to talk.”
“Okay, yes. I can leave now if you’re staying up.”
Charlie was still sleeping, but I figured it was fine. “When you wake up.”
“Trust me, I won’t be able to go back to sleep now. I’m awake. I’ll be there within the hour.”
“Okay.” Then I figured I’d best break the news to him while he was on the phone, just in case he changed his mind. I didn’t want him and Charlie getting into a fight. “Charlie’s here.”
He took a quick intake of breath. “Are you okay with that?”
“Yes. I… I need him. I know it won’t make any sense to you, but—”
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