“Now answer the question.”
I stare at him, but it’s not my Noah I’m looking at. This is a shell of the man I fell in love with. He’s cold and angry and hurt, and I should’ve been honest from the beginning.
“Cocaine and heroin.”
When Noah flinches, my knees buckle, and I have to reach for the back of the couch to keep from falling over.
“Noah, please, let me explain.”
Vehemently, he shakes his head, and for the first time since he walked in the door, I see emotion in his glossy eyes.
“I trusted you, Lennon. I brought you into my home, into my life—into my daughter’s life—and into my heart. Because you’re here.” He places a fist over the left side of his chest. “You’re in my heart. How the hell am I supposed to get you out?”
“You’re not.” I shake my head. “Don’t get me out. I can make this right, I promise. You just have to give me the chance to explain.”
Noah laughs mirthlessly. “I’m not sure I want you to explain.”
That’s what I was afraid of. I take a step forward, but Noah holds his hands up, refusing to let me any closer, and it pisses me off. He says I’m in his heart, yet he won’t let me fucking talk.
“I’ve traveled this road before, Lennon, and I vowed never to go down it again. These pictures tell me everything I need to know.” Picking up the articles and photos, Noah tosses them at me. The papers scatter to the floor in a wild mess. That’s exactly how I feel right now. Noah looks up at me, tears in his beautiful brown eyes.
“Don’t you dare compare me to Kim,” I yell. “We’re nothing alike. The situations are nothing alike, and you’d know that if you’d let me fucking talk.”
“You want to talk?” He holds his arms out the side. “Fine, explain it to me.”
I take a deep breath, relieved that I’m finally getting somewhere. “Mathis threatened to kill himself if I didn’t talk to him, and I couldn’t take that chance.”
Noah’s nostrils flare at the mention of Mathis’ name, his jaw clenched tight, but I push forward, desperate to get my side of the story out.
“I found him at a club, finally got him to leave with me, and we got pulled over. I didn’t know Mathis had drugs on him. He lied and told the cops the drugs were mine, and I was arrested. But they weren’t mine, Noah.”
“You lied to me.”
“About what? About my parents?”
“I don’t give a shit about your parents,” he roars. “I don’t care what name you fucking go by. What I care about is that you kept something of this magnitude from me.”
“I was going to tell you about the drugs and about the arrest.”
“Were you?” he asks, shaking his head. “You had to know it was going to be a problem for me.” Noah runs a hand through his hair, over his face. “I can’t do this.”
“That’s it? You’re just going to walk away? You’re not even going to try to understand where I was coming from?”
“You didn’t give me a choice,” he says, his words broken as a lone tear slips down his cheek. That tear is my undoing.
My anger dissipates and is replaced by fear and doubt, because he let me explain, and it didn’t make a difference.
“I can fix this. I can fix us. You just have to let me.”
Noah shakes his head. “I can’t. Nova is my entire life. She’s everything, and she deserves everything in return. As much as I want to believe you, I don’t. You kept something huge from me…” Noah’s voice cracks, his words trailing off as he tries to regain his composure. “You’re only telling me now because you don’t have a choice. How can I trust that you aren’t keeping something else back? I won’t do it, Lennon. I can’t.”
Then he turns to go.
“Noah, wait!” I plead, chasing him toward the door. I reach for his arm, but he shakes me off, refusing to slow his pace. He’s out the door faster than I can keep up, and I stumble down the porch steps behind him, losing my balance and falling to the ground. He doesn’t look back, and I scrounge to get up, running after him.
This can’t be the end.
Noah stops abruptly and whips around, his face stopping me in my tracks. “Why are you doing this? You’re making this so much harder. You need to stop. Stop, Lennon,” he begs, breaking my heart all over again.
“I can’t,” I sob, shaking my head. “I swear I’m not keeping anything else from you. You have to believe me. I just wanted you to know the real me before all the bad stuff came out.”
Furrowing his brow, Noah stares at me—it’s cold and brittle, but his eyes are still on me and that’s all that matters. He’s all that matters.
“I love you, Noah.” He flinches at my declaration, and I scramble toward him. “I love you, and I love your daughter. So much.”
“Don’t.”
“I love you.” With each declaration, I can see him breaking a little bit more, so I keep saying it, hoping he’ll finally believe me. “I love you. I love you so much. You’re my entire world, you and Nova. You’re all I need,” I sob.
He shakes his head.
“Yes, and I will make this right. I will fight for you because you two are mine,” I declare. “You’ll always be mine, and I’m not going to walk away from that. I’m not going to walk away from you, because I love you.”
“You don’t know the meaning of love,” he says, the fight draining from his body. “If you loved me, you would have been open from the beginning. You had a million chances to tell me the truth, a million different opportunities to come clean, but you didn’t. Every single day you kept something from me, because you knew it would be a deal breaker. If you loved me the way you say you do, you would have found a way to tell me about the drugs and the arrest. I should’ve heard it from you, not from Mathis. Not from the internet.”
“You don’t get it.” I swipe at the tears streaking down my face. “For the first time in my life, I had a man—you—looking at me and falling for me and not because of my name or who my parents are or how much money I have, but because of me. Because of Lennon. Because of who I am on the inside,” I say, a hand clenched over my heart. “Do you know what it feels like to have to wonder if someone is trying to be in my life just to get closer to my father or to our money? It’s horrible. It’s a cold, empty feeling that I never want to feel again, and you showed me it doesn’t have to be like that. You showed me that someone can love me for me. You and Nova showed me that the kind of life I’ve always wanted is possible, and I want that life with you, Noah. I came here to get away from that mess with Mathis. So the last thing I wanted to do was bring it up when I met someone new. And after you told me about Kim, I was scared that if I told you about the arrest, I would lose you before I even really had you.” My voice cracks. I squeeze my eyes shut, allowing the tears to fall, opening myself up, showing him my heart and my soul and everything in between.
“If you would just listen to me—believe me—you’d realize I’m telling you the truth. You know me! I’m not a drug user. Give me a chance to make this right, and I will spend every day of the rest of my life proving to you that I’m not that girl—” I point back to the house, to the pictures lying on my living room floor. “—and that you can trust me, because you can trust me. I just need you to love me enough to give me that chance.”
I wait with bated breath for Noah to say something. The seconds tick by, his eyes searching mine, and I can tell his heart is warring with his head. The sound of a car pulling up vaguely registers, followed by the sound of a door slamming shut, but I can’t look away from Noah. He’s a part of me now, and if he walks away, I’ll undoubtedly fall apart.
I see his answer before the words pass through his lips. Heartache and pain shine in his eyes, and I know he’s done.
“Don’t,” I beg, sobs wracking my body. “Please don’t.”
“I have to,” he whispers. Noah turns around, walking away from me, and I lunge forward to grab his shirt. But he keeps going, and I fall to the dew-soaked grass. My feet slip as I
try to get up, and two strong arms wrap around me from behind, keeping me from going after him.
“Shhh. Calm down.” I collapse against Mikey as Noah walks through his front door, shutting me out.
“Oh God,” I cry, my shoulders slumping forward. But Mikey doesn’t let me fall; he just holds me. He doesn’t try to tell me everything is going to be okay, and I appreciate that. But his presence doesn’t waver as I cry and scream for everything I’ve lost, for everything I’ll spend the rest of my life dreaming about, and only when my body goes limp against his does Mikey scoop me up and carry me into my house.
The next day goes by in a blur of tears. Sometime during the day Mikey leaves and Charlotte shows up again. They try to calm me down, but it’s no use. How can I calm down and be at peace when the person who owns my heart walked away?
Eventually the pain turns back into anger. He said I’m in his heart, yet he doesn’t believe me. If he truly loved me, wouldn’t he believe me? Wouldn’t he want to give us chance?
I call Noah several times, leaving message after message, begging him to talk to me, and when he starts sending my calls to voicemail, I resort to texting. Not once does he respond, and eventually Charlotte takes my phone away from me.
“Come on, sweetie,” she says, tugging me up from the little ball I’ve formed on my couch. “Let’s go outside and get some fresh air.”
I follow her idly out the front door. My hair is no doubt a complete disaster, my makeup from yesterday probably smeared all over my face, and I don’t give a damn.
It’s probably going to be like that for a while—me not giving a damn. Because I lost my reason. At least that’s how it feels.
Curling my legs under me, I ball up on the porch rocking chair, and Charlotte takes a seat on the front steps. I can’t help it; my eyes instantly lock on Noah’s house, which is dark. Not a single light is on, his car is gone from the driveway, and I can’t help needing to know where he is and what he’s doing.
Is he hurting as badly as I am?
Has he listened to my voicemails and read my texts?
Where is Nova? What will he tell her?
Does she hate me?
Shaking my head, I stand up. “I can’t do this.” The tears start all over again.
“Yes, you can.” Charlotte pushes me back in the chair. “Your life is not over, Lennon.”
“Really?” I scoff. “Because I don’t think it can get much worse than this.”
“That’s because it’s still raw. Everything just happened, and you’re not looking at your life with clear eyes. Give him some time. Noah is a sensible guy—”
“He doesn’t believe me, Charlotte,” I argue.
She shakes her head. “I don’t think that’s it at all. I think he’s scared to believe you. All this brings back the pain of what happened with Kim.”
“Okay, I can see that. But how do I convince him I’m not Kim and I won’t hurt him like she did if he doesn’t give me the chance?” I feel frustration and panic rising. “Nothing I tell him makes a difference!”
“Give him time to miss you. He’s hurt and scared, but I think he’ll come around.”
I want to believe her, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. “What if he doesn’t?”
“Well,” she sighs, glancing at me. “Then you’ll pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn from your mistakes, and move on. If Noah isn’t smart enough to realize what a great person you are, it’s his loss, because you are a great person. You have this big, giant heart, and someday that heart will be yours again. When you choose to give it away, you can handle things differently.”
A car pulls into Noah’s driveway, capturing our attention.
“Noah,” I breathe, scooting to the edge of the chair.
Charlotte places a hand on my leg, silently telling me not to go after him, but when I see Nova, all bets are off.
She catches sight of me, and before Noah can grab her, she comes bounding across the yard. I leap off the porch and run straight for her. We slam together, her arms wrapping around my neck with so much force that it takes my breath away, but I don’t move or ask her to loosen them because I just need to hold her.
Finally, she lets go, and she’s all bright eyed and smiling. But her smile dims when she sees my tears.
“Why are you crying?” she asks, wiping my face.
“Because I missed you,” I say, giving her a tremulous smile.
“I missed you, too!”
Noah walks up behind her, and I gaze up at him, just waiting for him to look at me, but he doesn’t. His eyes are locked on the back of Nova’s head, his hands shoved in his pockets as he lets us have our moment. Eventually his eyes slide to mine, and I see the slightest slip of his armor. For a brief second I see the grief and pain he’s feeling, and I also see love. But just as quickly as it appears, the look is gone.
“Come on, Nova.” Noah places a hand on her shoulder. “We’ve got to get you ready for bed.”
“Can Lennon come over and tuck me in?” she asks, and I know he hasn’t told her a thing.
“You know what?” I say, pulling her in close like I’ve got a secret. “I can’t come over tonight, because I’ve got something really special I have to do.”
Her eyes grow big. “What is it?”
“I have a princess dress to make,” I whisper, smiling when her smile grows as big as her eyes.
“It’s gonna be so pretty.” Her voice is filled with wonder, and emotion crawls up my throat because that’s one of the many things I’m going to miss about Nova—her youth and innocence.
“Nova, we’ve got to go.” Noah’s tone leaves no room for argument, and my beautiful little princess wraps her arms around me one more time with a promise that she’ll see me later.
I hope so, sweet girl.
Slowly I stand, watching the two people I love with every last piece of my heart walk away. The front door shuts, and I stare at it for several seconds—or maybe it’s minutes or hours. By the time the sun dips below the horizon, wrapping my bleak world in a dark blanket, I’ve convinced myself Charlotte is right. Noah just needs time. Once he cools off and really thinks things through, he’ll come to his senses.
And if he doesn’t… Well, that’s just something I’ll have to deal with when the time comes.
For now though, there’s no way I can live in this house day after day, watching Nova and Noah, and not want to be a part of their lives. Completely defeated and not at all ready to move on, I turn toward my house. Charlotte is standing on the porch with her hands clenched in a ball under her chin.
Sucking my bottom lip between my teeth, I walk toward her.
“What do you need?” she asks.
I shake my head. “I can’t stay here. I can’t look at his house day after day and not want to go over there and beg him to talk to me.”
She nods her head, a sheer gloss covering her eyes. “I understand. What are you going to do? You’re more than welcome to come stay with me for a while.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that, but I’ve got to go back to New York anyway. I have to finish getting things ready for the Children Everywhere auction.”
Charlotte knows all about the auction, and considering she worked her way through the system as a child, the charity holds a special place in heart as well.
“Want me to come with you?” she asks. “I can close up shop for a few days, help you get started, see New York.”
“Thank you, but I would never ask you to do something like that.”
“You don’t have to ask. I’m offering.”
“I know you are, and I love you for that. But I refuse to let you close your shop for me. I’ve got a full staff in place to help with the event. Plus, I’ll be crazy busy with more than enough to keep me occupied. The auction’s in three weeks.”
“I’m going to miss your crazy ass,” she says.
I half laugh/half sob and pull Charlotte into my arms. “You’re the crazy ass.”
We hold on to each
other until our tears are dry.
“When will you go? Want me to help you pack your stuff?” she asks.
I nod. “That would be great. But there’s one thing I have to do first.”
Charlotte cocks her head to the side, and I grab her hand.
“Follow me and I’ll show you.”
Charlotte has helped me pack what I need to take to New York, and the rest we’ll leave for later. I still hope I’ll have a reason to come back here soon. It’s taken me all of the last two days, but I’ve finished the most gorgeous dress I’ve ever made—and I’ve made a massive amount of dresses. The material is perfect and will look amazing on Nova. I add sequins and rhinestones everywhere so she’ll have the ultimate glitter effect when she twirls.
A smile tugs at the thought of her dancing in the living room with Noah. If only I could be there to see it, and to see her face when she unwraps the box and tries the dress on for the first time.
After spending an endless number of hours making it perfect, I went to a little boutique in town and bought a pair of shimmery dress-up heels to go with it.
Folding the dress, I place it gently in a box, along with the shoes and a white envelope. I wrap it all up in sparkly pink paper and top it with a shiny purple bow.
“Perfect.” I place the box on the couch next to me. With a resigned sigh, I make one last pass through the house to make sure I didn’t forget anything I’ll need while I’m gone, and then I walk Nova’s box over to her house. I haven’t seen Noah or Nova since that evening in my yard, and it hasn’t been for lack of trying.
My heart flutters in my chest when I see that their living room light is on. With a big, deep breath, I knock twice and hope beyond hope that Noah doesn’t slam the door in my face. If I’m lucky, maybe Nova will answer.
If I’m really lucky, Noah will be thinking differently about us.
The door cracks open, and Noah stares back at me, his face a blank mask. “What are you doing here, Lennon?”
I’ve never had good luck, and it doesn’t start now.
Squaring my shoulders, I vow not to throw myself at his feet. Not that I don’t want to, because I really, really do. But I can’t make him believe me, and I certainly won’t beg. The resignation in his eyes slices at my heart.
The Truth About Lennon Page 18