“Dad, she’s a girl. Their moods change like seasons.” Matty sighed, glancing at me over his shoulder. “Is it that time of the month?”
“No and it’s creepy if you ask,” I snickered.
Dad went back to driving but he didn’t give up looking at me. I get it. I know something is off about me today. I have to stop it or it’ll get worse.
We got to the hospital and went up to Kelsey’s room after we picked up food from the cafeteria. She was all smiles and happy eyes when we walked through the door. She was basically beaming…and it was weird.
“Why are you so happy?” I asked her.
Kelsey blushed and played with the thin sheet covering up her body. She’s avoiding the question. She’s happy. And she’s blushing.
It’s because of a boy. And not just any boy.
It’s Micha.
I touched her hand and she caught my eye.
We have a special connection so with just a look I asked if he kissed her. She gave me a look telling me he did.
Ohmygod. Finally!
I smiled and let Dad and Matty talk to her as I walked over to the window trying to let my sister’s happiness consume me. Finally, there’s a boy that can get Kelsey to smile the way she is right now.
My eyes drifted outside again and I felt the urge to step closer to the window and not stop until–
Stop!
I blinked and stepped back.
I turned and joined the conversation of how Kelsey’s day went. Tests are still being done but the doctor came in and said that maybe in a week or two, Kels can come home. When I told her I have a new job, she wasn’t that excited because that means we won’t be spending so much time together when I come home from school. Yeah, right. I won’t let that stop me.
Kelsey’s eyes became too heavy to keep open so two minutes later, she was snoring lightly and we grabbed our things to head out.
The car ride back was quiet but nice. Kelsey will be coming home and we’ll have the family back together. Jacky and Remy are so close that they’ll come by more often after work. Mom and her fling can keep fucking each other and not be involved.
“Goodnight, Becky,” Matty said nudging my side as we walked into the house.
“’night, Matty,” I said walking up the stairs. “Dad.”
“Love you, Birdie.”
Matty and Dad stayed downstairs talking about sports as I headed to bed. My heart is beating out of control and sleep will probably not help me but I have to lie down and take deeps breaths or it won’t end well.
I climbed into bed and grabbed a teddy bear sitting up against my pillows. I squeezed that little guy until my knuckles turned white but it wasn’t helping.
Take a deep breath. Breathe. Count to ten.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven.
My breathing is slowing down.
Eight. Nine.
Ten.
My body relaxed.
Alice bumped her bare knee against mine and winked. “We’re going to have fun tonight,” she sang softly.
I glanced at the taxi driver and then back at Alice.
“We better. I’m sick of the guys at school,” I said.
“Becka, men literally drop to their knees to be with you. You’re just picky,” she said, shaking her head at me. “If they have a penis, fuck them. We only live once.”
Hearing the word penis made the middle aged taxi driver glance at us in the rearview mirror. He even gave me a smile that’s missing a front tooth.
“I’m picky because I want someone who will fuck me senseless and leave me unable to walk the next morning,” I said, not caring at all now if the driver hears us.
We’re making his night.
Alice laughed and her brownish green eyes found mine.
“These guys will do that,” she said. I fucking hope so.
We stopped at a restaurant that has a bar and headed inside when Alice pointed two guys out.
When two almost similar looking guys with blonde hair and green eyes turned around and checked us out, I was done. The muscles under my belly were already clenching expecting what tonight will bring me.
These guys look like they know how to fuck.
Jesus, their bodies are gorgeous and those hands look like they’ll get the job done.
“Jared,” the guy closest to me said with a mega-watt smile. “You must be Rebeckah.”
“I must be,” I said. I’ll be whoever he wants me to be!
“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked standing up and placing a warm hand on the small of my back. I almost closed my eyes and moaned at the contact.
It’s been a while since I’ve been touched the way I need to be touched.
Alice and her guy hit it off and ignored us so Jared and I went to a table and ordered some drinks.
“I’ve never met a girl with so many tattoos,” Jared said, his eyes roaming over every inch of my body. “And so beautiful.” Cue the blushing.
Alice and Kenneth decided to show up then and sit with us. Jared and Kenneth shared a look and Alice and I glanced at each other. She poked her tongue into her cheek and I laughed. I will probably end up blowing this guy if I get what I want. She doesn’t need details. Not yet.
“Okay…” Alice said placing her wallet on the table. “Start with drinks.”
I shot up in bed and glanced down at the teddy bear tearing at the seams. This poor little guy is going to have no arms if I keep pulling at him the way that I am.
I tossed him aside and stared at my wrists.
The light from outside hit my scar and my eyes widened. There’s a bit of blood running down my wrist.
No.
Shit!
I grabbed my phone and called Jacky. I was shaking so much that I had to check the screen every now and then to make sure I called the right person.
She didn’t answer and I panicked.
I curled my hands into fists and tried not to think about it. About the way I’ll feel if I just grab a razor or something sharp and slide it across my skin. The way the blood will relax me once it runs down my arm. The way–
Remy.
I grabbed my phone and called Remy.
I was about to get his voicemail when he picked up.
“Becka?” he asked out of breath.
I dropped my phone and dug my fingers into my scalp. The itching is back. My fingers are itching to grab something and slide it across my skin.
I hear Remy’s voice calling out to me.
I’m worthless.
It should have been me.
My door swung open, my bed dipped under added weight then hands were on my arms, trying to pull them apart.
“Birdie, look at me.”
My eyes traveled up a crinkled t-shirt then a five o’clock shadow then finally landed on dark eyes. Eyes like mine.
“It’s okay. Breathe,” Dad said with sad eyes.
My arms turned to jell-o as he pulled them apart and rested them on my lap. His eyes found the blood on my left wrist and then he saw my right hand. My fingers have blood caked on them.
“It’s going to be okay,” he said brushing hair off my face. He pulled me into his arms and I tried to say it to myself. Everything will be okay. It doesn’t work. I don’t believe it.
My eyes moved onto the figure standing at my door. Matty is looking at me and I know he’s deciding what to do. I’d tell him to have me thrown off a bridge and left as a meal for sharks but he’ll tell me to stop talking like that and bring Kelsey into the conversation. It’ll work. I’ll stop talking about it.
I gripped Dad’s t-shirt like the answers were there but they’re not. They’re in my head. Torturing me. Haunting me. Killing me.
“It should’ve been me,” I whispered into Dad’s shoulder.
I felt him tense and I wanted to hit myself. Repeatedly. I hate bringing everyone into my problems. Especially my family. They’re dealing with so much already with Kelsey and now they have to deal with the crazy one.
�
��Jacky’s here,” Matty said, moving back into the hallway.
Dad let go of me to see Jacky jogging into my room. They all shared a look as I stared at the floor. I know they’re thinking about what to do now. Therapy? Rehab? A mental hospital? The cemetery? Something.
I turned in bed and covered myself up.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed. I never meant to bring them into this. This is my problem. I’m fucked up. I should have to deal with it.
Everyone was whispering for a bit until my light was turned off and a light body climbed onto my bed. Jacky’s arms went around me and she held me like I was a child instead of her sister.
“Were you having sex?” I asked.
“Yeah.” I can hear the smile in that one word.
“Sorry. I always call when you’re busy.”
“It’s fine. Remy got to finish this time.”
We both started laughing and I felt somewhat better.
I’ve called twice before in the last five months and it was always during the middle of the night when the two lovebirds were going at it. It’s not my fault I’d rather have my older sister around telling me I’ll be okay and that she loves me.
I hate bringing Dad and Matty into it. Matty isn’t even eighteen so he shouldn’t have to deal with a suicidal sister and Dad has Kelsey and Mom to think about at the moment.
“Is he mad?” I asked.
“Nah, he has the bed to himself,” Jacky said, running her hand up and down my arm in a gentle caress. “How far did it get this time?”
I don’t want to think about it.
“We just met them,” I said softly.
“What happens if you see it through?” Jacky asked.
I was quiet for a while until I turned and found my sister’s face in the moonlight. “I never get to the end,” I said. “I wake up and the feelings are back. I thought I’d be okay.”
“Maybe you need to talk to someone,” she said, wiping hair off my face. “Someone who doesn’t know what happened.”
I closed my eyes and nodded.
I know I need help. I also need time.
How much time will I need though?
And will time be enough?
- 5 -
When I woke up, Jacky was gone but she left me a Hershey’s kiss on the pillow she was using last night. That’s my thing. If I go to bed in a bad mood, I’ll wake up to chocolate on my pillow.
It stopped when I was nineteen and I was home for the summer for a few weeks. It was a hot ass day and the air conditioning wasn’t working so I went to bed extra moody. I tossed and turned all night and when I woke up, there was melted chocolate on my sheets, all over me and on my nightstand. I seriously thought I lost control of my bowels while I was sleeping. Everyone thought it was funny. I didn’t.
I unwrapped the chocolate and chewed on it slowly as I stared at the ceiling. I need to wash my hands. I still have blood under my fingernails. I scratched my wrist too hard. That’s saying something. I really can’t deal with the nightmares.
When I glanced at the clock and saw it was 10:08, I decided to get up. A hot shower was exactly what I needed and I was glad to see they didn’t take away my shaver.
I threw on a loose t-shirt that I stole from one of my one-night stands years ago and slipped on some shorts. It’s a sunny day so I thought a quick walk would do me some good before I head to the bar. I grabbed a work shirt to stick into my purse and headed out.
As I got downstairs, the quick walk along with my happy mood was tossed into the garbage when I saw Dad talking to someone at the door. I peeked and saw Logan…and Aimee.
Dad turned and glanced at me.
“Birdie, your friends just stopped by,” he said, not showing a sign of regret or terror from what happened last night. “Are you leaving or are they coming in?”
Dammit. He’s putting me on the spot.
“Is Matty up?” I asked.
“Excuse me,” Finn said, dragging it out as he slipped past Logan and Aimee and into the house. “Hey, beautiful. Looking extra sexy today.” He walked up the stairs, slapped my ass and winked at me. “Don’t shoot me, Mr. Lennox.”
“I’ll shoot you myself,” Matty said walking down the stairs. “Don’t fucking touch my sister.”
“Language,” Dad said, rolling his eyes.
“Uh…I’m leaving,” I said grabbing my purse off the coat rack. “I would have stayed but Finn’s here.”
“I love you too,” Finn said to me.
“Bye, Dad.”
“Whoa!” Matty said stepping in front of me and staring at Aimee who is in heels, short shorts and a tank top. I guess because it’s the fall and we have nice weather she wants to dress comfortably. “And who’s this?”
“Aimee,” she said smiling, glancing at me and Matty. “This is my brother, Logan. We go to school with Rebeckah.”
Matty glanced at me. “I find out now that you have new friends,” he said. “Thanks.”
“We’ll catch up later,” I said grabbing the door. “Bye.” I got it closed before Matthew, Finn or Dad could ask more questions because right now, I have questions. “How do you guys know where I live?”
“Logan fucked a girl that works in the Dean’s office. She was very helpful,” Aimee said, wagging her brows. “And now you get to answer my question. Where have you been hiding all of these?” she asked touching my arm. I have a Band-Aid on my wrist so last night’s shit is covered up and so is the old scar. “And your legs. Damn, you are hot.”
It’s not lost on me how Logan isn’t talking to me. I did knee him in the groin yesterday so there must be hard feelings.
“Ohmygod and your neck. How the hell didn’t I see that? Wow, I’m fucking blind. Logan, do you see this?” Aimee asked reaching for my neck. I dodged her hand and she pouted but quickly recovered. “Logan loves tattoos.”
Great.
“Nice,” Logan said with no emotion in his voice.
“Alright, look. We did kind of stalk you and since we’re here, we thought we could hang out and get to know more about you. You obviously have a lot of secrets. You’ve been hiding these under sweaters and jeans,” Aimee said waving a hand over my body.
“Both of you wanted to hang out?” I asked. That’s hard to believe.
Logan caught my eye and I swear he was giving me the go-fuck-yourself look. I’d know because I give that look to a lot of people in my life.
“Well, Logan didn’t want to leave me alone dressed like this so he tagged along.” Logan rolled his eyes as Aimee beamed. “But he did mention your name so–”
“Aimee, stop talking,” Logan deadpanned.
She stared at the two of us and threw her hands up.
“Ugh, you’re so annoying. I’m trying to hook you two lonely bastards up and you couldn’t be colder towards each other. You know what…I left my phone in the car. Hold on.” She ran across the street and climbed into a Honda Crosstour…and drove off.
“Um…” I watched as Aimee took a left down the street and disappeared. “She’s coming back, right?”
“No,” Logan said. “She tends to get her way one way or the other.”
She’s not coming back.
Fuck me. I rolled my eyes and cursed myself for being a good person sometimes. “I can drive you back,” I groaned. “Come on.”
We walked back up the stone path toward my house. When I opened the door, Matty and Finn were heading out. With Dad’s car keys.
“I need the car,” I said.
“Too bad. We’re going somewhere,” Matty said. He looked over my shoulder and frowned. “Where’s the other girl?”
“She drove off,” Logan said.
“Wow, you scared her away already,” Matty said smiling at me. “I can drive you where you need to go.”
“Yeah, right,” I huffed. “Give me the keys.”
“Uh…I don’t think you should drive,” Matty said, looking like a lost puppy. “Last night…” Fuck. “You looked pretty wasted.” Good cover.
&
nbsp; “Fine. Drive. Hurry up,” I said glancing at Logan. “Don’t ask. He’s a good driver.”
We headed to Dad’s car and Logan and I got in the back because Finn wouldn’t give up the front seat. “So, you two dating?” Finn asked glancing at me and Logan. I am going to kill him.
“No,” we both said without hesitation.
“Then why did your sister leave?” Matty asked.
“Just drive to the college,” I said giving him a look.
Everyone was quiet for a while until Logan laughed. “This is the first time I’m being driven by a girl’s younger brother,” he said.
“It’s like a date with parental vision,” Finn said winking at me. He locked eyes on Logan and gave him a challenging look. Wow. Pretty soon they might puff out their chests. The testosterone in this car needs to die down. “Dating Rebeckah isn’t easy,” Finn said matter-of-factly.
“Really?” Logan said glancing at me, his stupid blue eyes seeing a way to get under my skin. “So the whole attitude isn’t a cover?”
“Fuck you,” I said crossing my arms over my chest.
Finn cleared his throat. “No, she’s a tough bitch. But she’ll crack eventually. There’s just one rule that every guy needs to know. Don’t kiss her unless she wants to be kissed. Pst…” Finn shook his head. “This girl probably caused more men to be sterile than a vasectomy.”
“Finn, you never even kissed me,” I said, squinting my eyes at him.
He turned his dark eyes on me. “I’ve seen the losers you were with. It doesn’t take a genius to know you’re the boss.” See, he gets it. “Can I kiss you?” he asked with a smile.
“No,” both Matty and I said.
“One day, Becka. One day.”
“That day, you’ll be buried alive,” Matty said. “So you better fuck her too because you won’t get to live afterwards.”
“Um, okay. No,” I said leaning forward. “Both of you stop talking about kissing me, fucking me or doing whatever to me.” I turned to Finn. “Get a girl your own age and fuck her. When do you turn eighteen? Next month?”
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