“Staying alive,” I said.
***
Dad came by thirty minutes later and said Kelsey isn’t in the right place to see me. She knows about Mom and she thinks it’s her fault. She asked to go to the mall. Mom went to get her.
Everyone else stayed as I walked out of the hospital with Victor. I don’t deserve to be there. Everyone cares about Mom and I’m just ruining the mood.
Worst Daughter Ever award goes to Rebeckah Lennox.
The roads are shitty but Victor’s a good driver and the 4x4 helps. He was about to drop me off at my dad’s place when he remembered that I shouldn’t be left alone and asked if I wanted to go to Logan’s.
Logan’s is the last place on my mind.
People are the last thing on my mind.
“It wouldn’t be weird if I stayed with you for a bit, would it?” Victor asked walking into the house with me. We actually started hanging out more since I reconnected with Jon and Adam again. We just don’t do it in front of Aimee. She hates the guy with a passion so it wouldn’t be smart to hang him out to dry.
“Uh, no. I mean…the roads aren’t safe so no one will mind,” I said. Look at my dead mother. I glanced around. “And since no one is around, you’ll be fine.” Matty gets all macho when guys are over. He thinks he’s the big brother or something.
Victor came in and we sat in the kitchen, waiting for water to boil for hot chocolate. There was a long awkward silence but what can really be said at this point. We’re snowed in. My mom’s dead. I’m thinking about downing some pills because I’m really not doing any good on this world.
That doesn’t seem worthy of talking about so…
Matty was right. They did lose me the day Alice died.
“Jon was crazy in love with you,” Victor said tapping the hot chocolate mix packet against the counter. His eyes flicked up and found mine. “You were the only thing he talked about in high school.”
I drummed my fingers against the counter as I thought back to those days. Back to not thinking something was wrong with me. Back to when Mom pretended she loved me. People might say that is worse, fake love, but I actually think it’s better because she was doing something. She actually put up with me. She cared enough to fake it.
“I was the only thing he didn’t fuck,” I said.
Victor smiled and nodded. “Yeah, my cousin was a fucker.” We laughed at the double meaning.
“Does he still feel that way?” I asked curiously.
“What way?” I raised an eyebrow at him. He knows what I’m talking about. Victor leaned on his arms even more as he let the packet fall flat near his fingers. “You were the one that got away, Becka. Of course he still feels the same way.” And women think men don’t care about emotions. They’re big softies at times. Hopefully not during sex. No one wants that. Who wants to fuck someone and then have them burst into tears before they come?
“Why?” I asked. Victor stared at me for a while until I slipped out of the chair and poured hot water in our cups.
“Why what?” Victor asked as soon as I sat back down.
“Why did he feel something for me?”
Victor would have dropped his mug on the floor if he were standing. He literally deflated right in front of me as his mouth opened and closed.
“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”
“No shit. Usually people who feel worthless tend to kill themselves,” I said. My heart stopped as I heard the words leave my mouth. I looked up to find Victor’s eyes searching my face.
“That’s why you wear the sweaters,” he said softly as his eyes dropped to my hands. I curled my fingers around the mug and brought it to my lips. The soggy marshmallows slipped past my tongue and made their way down my throat while the burning hot chocolate followed. “Is that why you have no friends?” Ouch. Rub it in even more. I can handle it. “I mean...before. Before you started hanging out with the macho men and Aimee.” I smiled at that. The macho men. That’s exactly how to describe them.
“I don’t like bringing people into my life.”
“Uh…you do realize you’re dating my ex’s brother.”
“We’re not dating.” We didn’t label anything.
“Okay, fucking, going on dates, sneaking around for more fucking. You two are pretty close. You let him into your life. Well according to you, you let him into your panties and women think too much about shit so getting into your panties is like you’re going to ride off into the sunset and shit, so…” I gave him a look. “You let him into your life.”
“Because I’m a girl and my vagina took over.”
I’ve come to terms with that.
“No,” Victor said shaking his head. “It’s because you’re a girl and your heart took over.”
“Please,” I said rolling my eyes. “Don’t say that word when I’m involved.” Heart. That fucking word tastes bitter on my tongue.
I’m heartless. The only thing that feels anything is my lady parts. Having a heart has nothing to do with me.
“Show me your wrists,” Victor said.
“No.” What the hell.
He raised an eyebrow at me. “Why not?”
“Because.”
“Because,” he mocked, making a face. “You don’t want people to see them because you’re scared of what they’ll say, Becka. Scared. Meaning you feel something. You put up a wall but there is a crack in it waiting for someone to break through and show you there is something out there.” He held out his hand. “Show me your wrists.”
I feel like a whining baby right now. I just want to tell him to fuck off so I can hide away in my room and squeeze Hunter to death. And maybe cry until I fall asleep.
I slid the sweater’s sleeve up and held out my arm.
“Just one?” Victor asked taking it.
“I can do the other one if you want them to match.”
Victor stared at me for a few seconds until he turned his eyes on the scar. His thumb slid over it and I saw his muscles tense. That’s pretty much what everyone does. Either that or their eyes widen in a yup-she’s-fucking-crazy way.
“Why did you do it?” he asked.
It was the only way to fly…
“Because my best friend was murdered, I witnessed her die and my life was falling apart,” I said pulling the sleeve back down and crossing my arms over my chest.
Victor looked up at me again. “So you thought offing yourself would fix things?” YES! Why does no one understand that?! I’M FUCKED UP! I do stupid shit that only makes sense to me!
“It seemed right at the moment!”
“And now?”
I sighed and dropped my head.
“I’m not upset over the fact that my mom is dead,” I said. “Do you think that’s normal?” I licked my lips and stared at my mug. “So yes, to answer your question, it still plays in my head. And it’s all I think about, all the time.”
“So one day you might just snap?”
“Victor, I already snapped. One day I’m going to explode and Chernobyl will look like a fucking walk in the park.” I rubbed my temple. He’s giving me a headache because he’s making me think about this stuff.
“You think you’re a lost cause,” he said standing up and walking over to me. He made me stand so he could steer me upstairs. I would think he’s hinting at something but he’s not like that…I mean…I hope not.
“I’m just taking up space and stealing oxygen that some other person who would enjoy life could have,” I whispered. I am a lost cause. I know that. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I just don’t care.
“Stop talking,” Victor said walking into my room. “You’re making me want to strangle you or something.” I was going to comment on that but I shut my mouth and climbed into bed. “Cuddle the bear and have happy thoughts. I’ll be right here guarding the door.” His eyes found Hunter. “Wait…is that the golden bear?” I nodded. “What the fuck?! That fucker has cockblocked me for years. And emasculated me. How the hell did you get him?”
“Lucky bastard.”
“Would you like to spend time with him? He’s very soft to sleep with.” Victor smiled and nodded. Yup, bears make men softies too. I have to admit that’s adorable. “That involves you getting in the bed so don’t try anything. I will rip your balls off.”
“Relax,” Victor said turning off my light. “I’ll be gone in fifteen minutes.” He’s going to wait until I fall asleep, where he knows I won’t try anything on myself. Smart.
“Picture me a man,” I said. “I’ll picture you gay.”
We stayed on the edge of the bed until I fell asleep.
And Hunter was the witness that nothing happened.
***
I heard noise around me, in the distance, but I didn’t want to open my eyes. The feeling of my bed and blanket cocooning me, keeping me safe, is the main reason why. I pulled my blanket even higher and reached for Hunter. When my hand snaked around warm skin, my eyes shot open.
I was confused for a second when the blur on the opposite side of me started to come into focus. Victor…and he has my bear.
The sight is actually funny.
He is literally cuddling Hunter like a baby holds his favorite toy. But that’s my bear. And he’s in my bed.
“Hey.” I nudged his arm. He didn’t move. “Victor.” I nudged him again. He just groaned and shooed me away. Bitch. I uncurled his fingers and managed to snatch Hunter away.
When I got comfortable again, I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.
Wait…didn’t I hear noise?
I opened my eyes again and popped my head up like a seal waiting to catch a ball. Aside from Victor’s snoring, I didn’t hear anything. When I dropped my head back on my pillow, I heard Jacky’s voice. And she’s right outside my door.
“You know she’s different, Matty,” she said. “But she’s our sister and we love her. You don’t understand why she’s the way she is. Mom was a bitch. You can’t blame Becky for not showing emotion.”
“When does she ever show emotion, Jacky?” Matty said in a voice I never heard from him before. “When she’s cutting her wrists or thinking about killing herself? I honestly don’t know who that girl is anymore. She’s not the same Becky.”
Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, hearing that.
“Just stop, Matthew,” Dad said in a voice that makes us not talk back. “Becka went through so much back in Seattle. Alice’s parents blamed her for everything and they made her hate herself. She is the same Becka, only off course. I don’t give a shit if she doesn’t cry about your mother or she just doesn’t talk about it but she is your sister and you will not say shit like that again. Understood.”
He wasn’t asking. And I know Matty is nodding.
“Now get a duffel bag ready for Kelsey,” Dad said.
I heard my doorknob twist so I dropped my head and closed my eyes. I don’t want them to know I’m awake or that I’m crying. Hearing that hurts. But Dad did try to defend me.
I don’t have to look at Dad to know he’s standing in the doorway with furrowed brows as his eyes take in the extra body lying beside me. At least we’re clothed. It doesn’t look that bad.
My door closed softly and Dad’s whispers to let me sleep filled the silence. I wonder why he didn’t mention I have someone in my bed. Maybe Jacky and Matty will assume the worse and think I went back to my old ways.
When the footsteps were no longer close, I let my tense body sink into my bed. Judging by the snow from last night, I’d say classes are cancelled. And that’s why Victor is in my bed.
I can see Kelsey later. When everyone calms down.
I squeezed my eyes shut and wished that I was normal.
I was sitting in someone’s office when I saw them. Mr. and Mrs. Williams. My eyes widened when their eyes found me through the glass window. They stomped past the other officers and threw the door open, making me jump.
“Why did you let her take the wallet?” Mrs. Williams asked me. She glanced down at the oversized clothes I’m wearing; the police took mine for evidence. I still have blood on my skin because I can’t wash it off yet. They didn’t find Kenneth or Jared either and I don’t know their last names so I’m waiting for a sketch artist to show up so we can get things started. But before that, I have to do a rape kit for DNA. The thought of having sex with Jared disgusts me.
He killed my best friend. Well Kenneth did.
I don’t care if the police can’t prove it yet but they did it. The things they did make sense now. They shared looks at each other when they noticed Alice’s wallet. Jared wanted me to go outside because I said I had to but he never once asked if everything was okay. Maybe he’s a dick in real life and doesn’t care about people or he really wanted to kill me.
I wish he did.
Alice should be alive.
“Did you plan this?” Melissa growled at me.
“What? No,” I said, choking on my words. “I wouldn’t–”
“Then why are you alive?” Dolton asked.
At that moment, my already broken heart shattered to pieces and disintegrated into ash. I don’t know why I’m alive. I wish I wasn’t at this point.
“Who are they? The police said they can’t find them because they don’t know their names. First names aren’t helpful, Rebeckah. Be useful,” Melissa said curling her manicured fingers into fists.
“I don’t know their last names,” I whispered.
“But you had sex with them!” Melissa snapped.
I know! God! I didn’t know they’d kill her!
“Excuse me, you can’t be back here,” a female officer said walking into the room. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“Our daughter is dead!” Dolton snapped. “We want to know why your people can’t find the men who did it.” His dark green eyes found mine and I felt like I was going to get hit. Maybe even killed. “And why she’s not arrested.”
“I didn’t do anything!” I cried.
“Exactly,” Melissa sneered. “Alice is dead because of it.” It was getting harder to breathe as my throat started to close. “You’re responsible for this. I hope you have nightmares of this night for the rest of your life. Alice should have stayed away from you. You’re nothing but trash.”
“Ma’am.” The female officer grabbed Melissa’s arm and started to turn her away from me.
“Their names will haunt you until the day you die, Rebeckah. You just wanted sex. She’s dead because you were being a whore. Here’s a tip. Next time you have sex, don’t even bother with their name. God knows they won’t remember yours in the morning. You’re worthless,” Melissa shouted as she was dragged into the hallway. Dolton took her when the officer passed her over. They’re someone else’s problem now.
I curled my knees into my chest and cried harder.
I’m worthless. And useless.
I lost my best friend.
And now my sister is sick.
The female officer walked back into the room and stayed with me for a bit until it was time to get the rape kit done. I think the nurse who had to take pictures was afraid of me. All the tattoos. A dead best friend. Two people who got away.
Do they think I was involved?
“Are you up for the sketches?” the female officer, Lindsey Vought, asked when I was washed and dressed in baggy clothes again.
I nodded.
“Will they find them?” I asked. “From the sketches? Will they help?” I don’t want those guys loose on the street after what they just did.
“We’ve got the best guy for this. He’s never had anyone slip from our fingers,” Officer Vought said. “Just take your time and tell him what to draw.”
My wrist was being squeezed tight. And it hurts. My eyes jerked open to find Victor
leaning into me, holding my hands apart. My right hand fingers have blood on them.
“What the hell are you doing?” he asked glancing at me. “You kicked me then started clawing your wrist.”
I sat up in bed and stared at my limp hands in Victor’s.
My wrist is bleeding again.
Great.
“It happens,” I said letting my hands fall onto my lap.
“It happens?” Victor asked running a hand through his hair. “Why don’t you do something then? Wrap it up. Cut your nails. Cut off your fingers.” He smiled at that one and it eased the awkwardness. “Why does it happen?”
I shrugged my shoulders and said, “The nightmares.” I looked down at my fingers. At the blood. “Did Jon and Adam tell you about Seattle?”
“I was over when they found out.”
I looked up at him.
“Those two have nothing better to do because college didn’t appeal to them,” he said. “So when they found dirt on you, I just had to know.”
I rolled my eyes when he started talking about Jon getting all puppy-dog eyed when he read the story and both Victor and Adam had to tie him to the bed so he wouldn’t run over here and see if I was fine.
“I see it play out,” I said when he was done with the Jon thing. “That night. Once I fall asleep, it just happens and doesn’t stop unless I wake up.” My breath caught and I looked around the room. It’s only nine in the morning. I’m guessing my family is still with Kelsey.
“And it never stops?” Victor asked.
“I never get to the end. Jacky thinks that will stop it.”
“What happens at the end?”
I dropped my eyes then got out of bed. I will not talk about it. I will never talk about it. I don’t care if the nightmares stop if I bring that shit up.
“Hey, Becka, I’m sorry,” Victor said jumping out of bed and following me towards the bathroom.
“It’s not your fault,” I said slipping into the one place I tried to end it all and failed.
“Will you be…um…you can leave the door open.”
My jaw dropped.
“Excuse me? You will not watch me shower,” I said. I at least have some sense not to strip in front of people.
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