Don't Let Me Fall

by Briana Pacheco

  Victor rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to watch you. I’ll be around. Just leave the door open. You told me not to let you do anything alone.” His eyes brightened. “Should I bring Logan over? Jon? Both will be happy to watch.”

  “Go away,” I sighed.

  He turned around and headed back into my room.

  Just so he doesn’t think I off myself with the shower curtain or something, I left the door open a crack and slipped into the shower. Shaving was harder than I thought. So I wouldn’t get any ideas, I thought about the pain I deserve to be in for everything that happened.

  Killing myself is the coward’s way out.

  I deserve to be looked at like a wild animal.

  The doorbell rang when I was getting out of the shower so I assumed Victor would get it. He’s still here, might as well he be useful.

  I got downstairs and found Logan and Aimee at the door. Both look equally frustrated and behind that is sorrow.

  I gripped my towel tighter as I walked over to them. Victor didn’t move so Aimee stared at my shoulder so she wouldn’t have to look at him and Logan glanced back and forth between me and Victor.

  “I didn’t sleep with him,” I said getting it out there so he could stop trying to figure it out.

  “Yes, we did,” Victor said like I was an idiot for forgetting. I slapped his arm as I gave him a look. “Relax, we just slept. She didn’t want to be alone since her family is at the hospital. Better?” Much.

  “We heard about your mom,” Aimee said. “I’m sorry. We…” I zoned out as she said more. I really don’t want to hear about my mom. My eyes stayed on the snow outside and I thought about how peaceful it looks. Snow makes things look nice for awhile. Then there’s the mess and everything looks like shit.

  “Rebeckah.”

  I blinked and glanced at Logan. He held my eyes for a bit then stepped into the house and hugged me. I felt weird just standing there so I wrapped my arms around him.

  “Do you need a ride to the hospital?” he asked, his lips brushing against my neck. That one move sent my heart racing and my skin heating up like I’m on fire.

  I pulled out of his grasp because the feelings are too much to handle. “No, thanks. I have to go to work soon so I’ll pass by later.” My brother still hates me so I’ll give him time without me. I don’t want to make him snap again.

  “You’re going to work?” Aimee asked, brows furrowing. “Becka, you don’t have to. I’m sure your boss will understand.”

  I don’t have to. I want to.

  “Uh, yeah. I’ll talk to him later,” I said, thinking of a way to get them to leave. “I have to get dressed. Thanks for coming.” I basically pushed Logan outside after he handed me my phone. Both twins looked confused by my attitude and I can’t blame them. Mom’s dead and I’m going to work. “When are you leaving?” I asked Victor.

  “When you go to work.”

  I nodded and headed upstairs. At least he’s not asking questions and telling me I don’t have to work because my mom died. He knows I’m screwed up. He also knows I don’t care.

  ***

  “Ohmygod, I’ve been calling you all night,” Toby said pulling me into the back where Peyton was walking by with a tray of glasses in his hands. “How is Kelsey?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t see her yet. My family is kind of upset with me for not showing emotion over my mom,” I said numbly.

  Toby nodded and sat down with me at a nearby table used for stacking mail. “They’ll understand,” he said rubbing my hand. And this is why I came to work. I knew he’d be here and understand. “It’s on the news,” he said, speaking to me like I might freak. “So people at school might talk about it.”

  Awesome.

  I’ve been avoiding the TV since I got home from the hospital yesterday. I know car accidents end up on the news and I know that if there was a death involved, it gets more attention. We know Mom’s gone. Next of kin was informed so the news stations have the identity to reveal to the people who don’t care that some unknown person died while driving to Cambridge. Those people are just grateful it wasn’t someone they know.

  “Becka, you didn’t have to come in,” Peyton said stopping near me and kneeling down. “Toby said your sister is in the hospital. Why don’t you head over there and leave the tips for me?”

  I smiled as I stood up.

  “Sorry, I’m a bitch,” I said heading out to the bar.

  I can do this. I’ll work for a few hours then I’ll see Kelsey. Then I’ll head home and man up to the attitude I’m getting from Matty.

  ***

  I have Kelsey’s favorite snacks stuffed in my bag. I also picked up her new phone because the other one got damaged in the accident. When I walked into the room, she was sitting up in bed, staring at the portable table, swirling jell-o around in the plastic cup. Her dark eyes looked up at me and she gave me a sad smile.

  “I brought food,” I said shaking my purse.

  I walked over to her bed and she pulled me into a one arm hug. “I don’t want food. I want Mom,” she cried into my shoulder. I stiffened at that but I didn’t say anything. I’m trying to be her big sister because I’m failing miserably at that at the moment.

  ***

  I left the hospital around ten. When I headed home, Dad was in the kitchen with his head hung over the kitchen counter and Matty was nowhere to be found. That was until I walked up to his room and found him lying in bed, listening to music. I tapped his shoulder and I literally saw him blink a few times but he ignored me. I turned off his lamp and said goodnight. He didn’t call out anything for me.

  Dad walked into his room when I came out of the bathroom so I walked over to him. “Hey, Birdie,” he said softly. He sat on his bed and plugged his phone into the charger then waved me over. I sat down beside him and I let him hold me. “He’s having a hard time accepting it. Don’t take it personally.”

  “Too late,” I whispered, trying to hold back the tears.

  Dad squeezed me tighter and kissed the top of my head. “I know you and your mother have been at it for years so I don’t want to push you into feeling things you don’t want to feel right now but I want you to know that some day, you will feel it and you have to let it out. Scream it out. Kick something. Punch something. Just do something, okay. Don’t keep it bottled up inside.” I nodded. I can do that. “So, what was Victor doing in your bed this morning?”

  “Rough night,” I said softly. “I don’t want to say anything but the thoughts were back and if I was alone, I think I might have acted on it.”

  Dad stared at me for a bit when I found his eyes. I hate seeing that look when I tell him. It’s not disgust or pity or anything like that. It’s a father’s look when he knows he can’t do anything to help his child. He thinks he’s useless. I don’t want him to feel like that.

  “I love you, Birdie,” Dad said wiping my eyes. “But don’t think for a second that I’m letting that go.” He’ll never let me fall. “No boys upstairs. Especially if the house is empty. You’re still my daughter and I think of you as my little girl.”

  “Dad, we both know I’m not a little girl anymore,” I said, chuckling. He knows I had way too much sex and am basically an easy lay to whoever won’t tell me their name.

  “I know. One day when you have kids–”

  My eyes flicked up to his and he stopped talking. We have one rule–Dad, Jacky and I. ‘Don’t mention kids and me in the same sentence.’ I’m too screwed up to even live my life, how the fuck am I going to bring someone else into this world. My fucked up world.

  “You’ll understand where I’m coming from someday,” Dad finished. “Kelsey comes home tomorrow,” he said changing the subject. “Matty’s not going to school for the rest of the week and Jacky is taking time off work. If you feel like you need space, home probably won’t be the place for it.”

  He gets me too.

  “I’ll figure it out,” I said. “Thanks, Dad.”

  “For what?” he asked
when I got to the door.

  “For never giving up on me,” I said glancing over my shoulder. That’s when I saw it. He knows that I know Mom didn’t want me. He did. He never gave up on me.

  I walked toward my room and climbed into bed. Hunter was beside me and he made me feel safe.

  Right now, I trust myself.

  I trust that I won’t hurt myself.

  - 14 -

  Mom’s funeral is tomorrow. Jacky and Dad got everything ready so everything would be fine. The funeral will be private. I honestly don’t know why I have to go but Kelsey is a mess and she chose to lean on me. I can’t push her off so I agreed. And Ricardo or Richard is going to be there. Douchebag picked the spot for her burial. I don’t understand why he even has a say. He was the boyfriend. He was the guy she fucked until the next one with a bigger penis decided to come along. He wasn’t going to last.

  I was on my way to Curry to meet up with the twins when my phone rang and Jacky told me something that made my heart stop and tighten for a while like someone was squeezing it. Mom’s brakes were cut. The police investigated the accident and they found the brakes tampered with.

  I stopped walking when I heard that.

  I almost dropped to my knees because for a split second, Mom was Mom again. She was the woman who kissed me goodnight and made pancakes every Saturday morning.

  Someone cut her brakes.

  Someone killed my mom.

  Then my heart closed back up and I stared at the ground. She’s the woman who wanted me dead. Gone. I didn’t think about my mom then. I thought about Kelsey. Someone tried to kill my mom and Kelsey got hurt.

  “What’s wrong?” Logan asked tilting my chin up. He always finds me. It’s creepy. But we’re still seeing each other so I kind of let it slide. Mostly for the fact that we’ve barely touched each other since the day of the car accident. I don’t know why he puts up with me. And why do I let him? Shouldn’t I cut him loose and let him find some girl that will fuck him every day and ask questions and do fun things? I’m boring, we don’t have sex and I don’t talk that much.

  “Nothing,” I said turning my head away from him.

  His hand dropped to my arm and I saw the way his eyes hardened. I’m shutting him out and he knows it. He’s trying to break through my walls but I keep building them up again.

  “Do you want to go somewhere?” he asked. “You have time before work so–”

  “Hey!” Alyssa said walking up to us. “IV has eggnog everything so Aimee and I are heading over. Coming?” Logan did ask if I wanted to go somewhere so heading to International Village aka his dorm building, counted.

  That’s how we ended up here.

  Drinking eggnog.

  Logan got me an extra cup and he’s holding it hostage because it’s the last cup left so I have to grab it from him every time I want a sip. Which he keeps drinking from.

  When I reached for it, our fingers brushed and it wasn’t lost on me how it sent a burning heat down my spine that made me cross my legs to keep from squirming. Holy fuck, that was hot!

  “Feeling okay?” Logan smirked.

  “Yeah, hand over the eggnog,” I said.

  “I think I’ll keep it,” he said taking a sip.

  I raised an eyebrow at him and crossed my arms over my chest. “Fine, keep it,” I said, trying not to punch him in the face to steal it.

  His eyes held mine and something in me exploded. One second I was sitting in my chair, the next, I’m shoving my tongue down Logan’s throat. The eggnog was set on the table so he could touch me. And it feels fucking good.

  “Whoa, lovebirds,” Darren said clearing his throat. “Some people are trying to eat.” I don’t give a shit! They can look away.

  Having Logan pressed against my body, felt right. Normal. Exciting. I didn’t want to stop kissing him but I pulled away a bit to look at him. I stared at his lips. His eyes. His neck. Mmm, I want him.

  Where the hell is this feeling coming from?

  “Wow, and you’d think you’d be upset over your mother,” a whiny bitch voice said. I tore my eyes off Logan and glanced at Valerie staring at me with a smirk.

  “Get lost,” Aimee snapped. “And don’t fucking run your mouth.”

  “I’m just saying,” Valerie said flicking her hair over her shoulder. “Your mom died like four days ago.” And the bitch had to remind me.

  “Don’t you have someone else to bother?” Juan asked her. When the hell did the four amigos show up? And Darren? It was just the twins, Alyssa and I.

  “Whatever. It’s just weird,” Valerie said.

  “You know, you just ruined my mood,” I said shifting back into my seat, grabbing my purse. “I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you later,” I said to Logan and anyone that I end up texting later. Whatever possessed me to attack Logan is still inside of me, wanting out. I can’t ignore the way my lips want to feel against his. The way my body wants to shiver underneath his fingers. And the way he’ll feel in between my le–

  “You tend to walk away from things,” Valerie said behind me. I rolled my eyes and kept walking. “Does that explain why you fuck random people in an alley?” I stopped walking and prayed to God she did not just say that. She didn’t. She doesn’t know. “Get in, get out. No names.”

  I glanced over my shoulder and found her smiling at me. I turned around and walked over to her. “I’d stop talking if I were you,” I said, trying not to snap.

  She knows. How the fuck does she know?! The article. Adam found it. This airhead could probably search for things on the internet too.

  “You must have felt like shit,” she said laughing. “While you were having sex, your friend was getting stabbed.” No, she wasn’t. The article just stated it that way to make me look like the bad person.

  I see people staring at us. People are standing up.

  “Do you not care about anyone, Rebeckah? Just yourself. And finding some guy to fuck? First your friend dies then your mom. Both times you had your tongue down someone’s throat. Trashy.”

  You’re nothing but trash.

  And just like that, I snapped.

  I barely remember moving, the noise, the hands grabbing me. I blacked out for a few seconds because when I looked around, Valerie was on the floor, holding her nose and my right hand has blood on it.

  I took a step back as I saw the blood running past Valerie’s hand, dripping onto her sweater. I did that. I punched her. And I’m pretty sure I broke her nose. Fuck, I didn’t want to do that.

  I lost it.

  I shouldn’t have lost it.

  “I’m sorry,” I said snatching napkins off a nearby table. I dropped to my knees and tried to help her but she shoved me back.

  “Don’t fucking touch me, bitch!” she snapped.

  “Don’t fucking snap at me,” I said throwing her arm to her side and bringing the napkins up to her nose. “I warned you but you kept talking.” I’m not a complete bitch. I’m helping her.

  Tears ran down her cheeks but she stayed quiet.

  “Bring that shit up again and I won’t be so nice,” I threatened. I don’t want to hurt her but she said those things and since I’m having a hard time dealing with those things right now, it’s a touchy subject. “My life has nothing to do with yours. And while you’re at it, stay the fuck away from me,” I said standing up. “And go to the hospital. You have a broken nose.”

  I walked away as people went to her.

  I wiped my knuckles clean but blood was still on them so when I got on the train, I hid my hands in my pockets. When I got to work, I washed them and tried to forget about what I just did.

  I shouldn’t have snapped.

  But she kept pressing it.

  She made it worse.

  People ordered drinks left and right and I was envious for awhile. I want to sit back and drink until I’m numb. I don’t want a buzz, I want to drink until I can’t feel shit.

  It was around seven when I saw Victor walk into the bar. And he was smiling. If anyo
ne knew how much he disliked Valerie for spreading her legs and tempting him to fuck her, causing his relationship with Aimee to fail, they’d understand why he’s smiling at the person that broke the hoe’s nose. He’s to blame too for that but come on, when a woman wants a man, she does everything in her power to get him. Sometimes men can’t control how their dicks react.

  “You’re lucky she’s not pressing charges,” Victor said sliding onto a stool. “And everyone gave the cops a heads up that she started it. NU police don’t want to have to arrest you for assault.”

  The school police should arrest me. I’m a danger to society. I ruin people’s lives. I hurt people.

  “Your boyfriend’s worried about you.”

  My eyes caught his as I started making a dirty martini for an older woman to my right who is busy hitting it off with a guy that is probably seven years younger than her.

  “Okay, probably wrong choice of words but he is. And the shit Val said is the reason why he’s not here.”

  “Why is he not here?” I asked, confused. I don’t mind if he is or not but if he’s not coming because Valerie said something then I should know what it was.

  “She basically called you a whore that fucks people because you don’t feel anything,” Victor said not holding anything back. “He doesn’t want you to think he wants the sex.”

  I slid the martini over to the woman and the guy told me close up the tab. Sure thing. You want to get laid. I gave him the bill then started wiping down the bar.

  “And why are you telling me this? He could have texted,” I said. He did text. A few times. I didn’t read them though. I put my phone on silent and stuck it into my back pocket to deal with later.

  “Because Aimee mentioned you attacked him while drinking eggnog,” he said. I stopped wiping the bar to look at him.

  “You talked to Aimee?” I asked. Did hell freeze over? Did Jesus walk the earth? Am I dead?

  “Desperate times call for desperate measures,” he said shrugging his shoulders. “They’re worried because you did just lose your mom. Rebeckah, people don’t go to school, go to work or do anything when their mom dies so suddenly.” I opened my mouth to speak but he kept going. “I know you have a complicated past but they don’t know that. The twins are close with their parents. If they lost one of them, they’d be on the first flight back to Bethesda and not come back until they’re ready.”