Don't Let Me Fall

by Briana Pacheco

  I leaned against the bar while I processed that.

  I am trashy. Who shoves their tongue down someone’s throat days after their mom dies? Me. Crazy people. Twisted, sick people.

  “Want a break?” Peyton asked leaning on the bar.

  “From life,” I said pushing myself off it and going back to wiping it down. I need to disappear. Be alone. Wither in a dark cave or something.

  I know what I want.

  I just can’t do it.

  ***

  The funeral was nice. I have no idea how many times I stared at the closed casket and wished it were me inside but I did it constantly. I wished I could go back to April 7th and choose Kenneth over Jared. I wish I went into the bathroom with him and I wished he killed me instead. Alice would be alive. I would be six feet under. She would be happy. Everyone would be fine.

  We drove home where Kelsey and Matty locked themselves up in their rooms. Jacky and Remy went to their place where Jacky can have some time without me looking at my nails or awkwardly looking for a way out of the silence and the crying.

  Dad’s in the living room staring at the coffee table like it’s going to grow legs and walk out the door.

  When the landline rang, he didn’t even flinch.

  I got up and answered.

  It’s Mom’s lawyer and he needs to speak to Dad.

  I left Dad in charge as I slipped out of the house and sat on the stairs. It’s cold outside and the black dress I’m wearing isn’t really helping but I don’t want to change. I’m still in the flats that are probably causing blisters as I speak.

  I stared at the trees in the street and my mind went somewhere else. A happy place. I’m at my sweet 16, Mom is finishing up my last curl as Jacky does my lip gloss. They wanted me to look like a princess. I wanted to be a princess for a day. Minus the puffy dress, Prince Charming and all the other bullshit. We’re having a party at–

  It hit me then.

  Kelsey won’t have Mom at her sweet 16. That’s all she ever talked about. Mom loved doing parties, Kelsey loved going to them. The two were perfect mother and daughter. Kelsey deserves to have a mom at the party. Why did I get one? Mom didn’t even love me.

  I curled my legs up to my chest, closed my eyes, and for the first time since hearing my mom is gone and never coming back, I let the tears fall. What is so wrong with me that people can’t love me? Why didn’t my mother love me? I never did anything.

  Stop crying! I shouted inwardly. People can’t love you because you’re not worth being loved!

  I slipped my fingers into my hair and pulled.

  I’m a fucking idiot for crying.

  I’m stupid for thinking I have the right to cry.

  I’m a disappointment and–

  Hands slipped around my wrists and gently pulled my hands down to my lap. I expected to see Dad looking back at me or even one of my siblings to tell me they love me or something but it wasn’t any of them.

  It was Logan.

  Aimee was a few feet away with a questioning look as she tried to figure out what to do. Walk over to me, let Logan deal with the mess, wait for me to say something…

  “Your sister said you were home,” Logan said wiping his thumbs under my eyes. “She mentioned you haven’t been eating.”

  Punching Valerie made my stomach flip. I can’t keep anything down because what she said was true. I use sex because I’m trash.

  “Can you come out with us?” he asked.

  “What’s the point?” I asked with a shaky voice. “You’re just going to stare at me and ask questions like a therapist. You’ll try and twist everything and make me even more confused.”

  “I haven’t done that since school started,” he said. So he admits to doing it. I was just saying shit.

  I looked up at Aimee. She looks worried. Scared even. And it’s because of me. I ruin people’s lives. I suck the life out of them.

  “Please,” Logan whispered.

  I found his eyes again and whatever part of me that belongs to him, yes, I belong to him in a way because whenever I’m near him or whenever he just looks at me, I’m done. I forget what I was thinking. I forget about hurting myself. I just think about him. He owns some part of me that I didn’t think I had. I still don’t know how that happened.

  I nodded.

  Logan stood up and held out his hands for me. When I slipped mine in his, he smiled and I couldn’t help but smile back. Just a little one. He doesn’t have that much power over me. It’s more like my heart. Yeah, that’s it. He’s messing me up because my heart wants him. It knows he’s a good guy and it knows he cares a fraction of something for me.

  “Rebeckah,” I stopped short when I heard Dad call out for me. I glanced over my shoulder and saw him walking out of the house with Kelsey and Matty behind him. “We need to go.” No…

  “Where?” I asked.

  “Martin needs to talk to us,” he said glancing at Logan and Aimee. Martin is Mom’s lawyer. What the fuck does he need to talk to us about? I thought Dad and Jacky already took care of everything. “It’s important. We need to go. Sorry you two but this is a family emergency.”

  Remy’s car pulled up to the house and Jacky jumped out. She glanced at the twins, waved slightly then grabbed me. “That asshole wants to take everything from you,” she said. “Let’s go.”

  “What?” I glanced around. “What’s going on?”

  “Martin has Mom’s will,” Jacky said.

  “I don’t care,” I said. “You guys go.” Like I want to hear what she says on her will. She’ll probably tell me that she never loved me. Hello, I already know that.

  “Mom left you something,” Matty said staring at the stone pathway. “Roger thinks it’s valuable and he wants it.”

  “Who’s Roger?” I asked, shaking my head.

  Matty’s head snapped up and he stared at me with a blank expression. “Her boyfriend. God, Becka, you really didn’t give a shit about her.”

  “Matty,” Dad said, turning to him. “Get in the car.” Matty gave me another blank look then took Kelsey to the car. “I don’t want to do this, Birdie but Martin says if we get it over with, you won’t have to deal with it later.”

  “Okay,” I said blankly.

  Jacky walked me to Remy’s car and I got in. Aimee and Logan stayed at the house, their eyes following me until I couldn’t see them anymore.

  ***

  Martin pushed the glasses up on the bridge of his nose as he stared at the paper in his hands. He read everything Mom left behind. Roger didn’t get anything because apparently she was dumping him. I laughed at that.

  “Please excuse the language,” Martin said clearing his throat and running a meaty hand through his blond hair. His green eyes flicked to mine and he seemed to squirm in his chair. “Ms. Britton states that she left a note for Rebeckah Lennox.”

  “I’m right here. You don’t have to do that,” I said. He can clearly see me. I’m the psycho chick covered in tattoos. I’m not hard to miss.

  He cleared his throat again and licked his lips.

  Dad, Matty, Kelsey, Jacky, Remy and Roger are sitting around the large wooden table looking back and forth. My eyes are trained on the chip of wood on the table. I don’t want to look at anyone. I just want to get this over with.

  “Your mother states that I read it for you,” Martin said. I nodded so he started. “Any money left in your college fund will be split between your brother and sisters–”

  My head snapped up and my brows furrowed. What did he just say? What’s happening to my college fund?

  “I’m sorry, what?” Dad asked.

  Martin pointed at the paper in his hands. He’s not done.

  “Go on,” I said, waving my hand at him.

  “Um…” Martin chewed on his lip as he looked up at me. “I’m sorry. I have to read this.” Okay, read it. “Your college fund will be split between your brother and sisters because it’ll be a miracle if you can live long enough to graduate.”

  He
ll broke loose after that.

  Dad started yelling while Roger laughed. Matty’s mouth dropped in shock and Kelsey burst into tears. Remy and Jacky had a few choice words and Martin tried to calm everyone down.

  I was the only one who remained quiet and in my seat. I kind of expected this from my mom. She did hate me.

  “Stop,” I said. I looked up at everyone who was now shouting to be heard over each other. “Stop!” I said a bit louder. Everyone’s voice lowered until it was quiet in the room. “Give me the letter,” I said to Martin.

  He slid it over, along with an orange clasp envelope with an object inside and averted my eyes. I stood up and grabbed my phone.

  “Mom is still your mom. It doesn’t matter if she hated me. You don’t have to hear what else she has to say,” I said walking over to the door. I chanced it and glanced at Matty. “It’s hard to care about a person when that person never wanted you.”

  He said two words as I slipped out, “I’m sorry.”

  And just like that, we were back to loving each other. The shit he said in the hospital and the days after that, are forgotten. He’s my younger brother. I’m his older sister. I did change but I’m still Rebeckah. I’m still Becky.

  I stepped into the elevator and headed down to the lobby of Martin’s building. There were a few people walking around but I stuck around anyways. I took up a chair near some fresh flowers on a table and started reading the letter.

  Rebeckah,

  Any money left in your college fund will be split between your brother and sisters because it’ll be a miracle if you can live long enough to graduate. I don’t see the point in leaving you with anything when you’re just going to kill yourself because you’re pathetic. Alice’s parents have every right to blame you for her death. You get around and just like every night, you had to go out that night. Your best friend died. Do you care?

  Why did you slit your wrist that day? Why not do it earlier than two months after she died?

  Kelsey would miss you but she doesn’t need a screw up as a sister. Who knows, maybe you’ll both go off into the sunset together.

  I’m dead so there’s no point in lying.

  Hate me if you want.

  The day you were born, you were supposed to die. I really hoped you did. Jacqueline was a handful so one was enough for that time in my life. When the doctors showed you to me and your father, I should have been happy. I wasn’t. I didn’t want to love something that would die. I wanted to love you but I couldn’t. And for that I’m sorry. You deserved more than what you were given.

  Then you started with the tattoos. I gave up when you got the birds and moved away for college. And I was happy. I got to leave the house and find my own place. No kids. No problems. No you.

  I don’t know if or when you’ll get this letter but if you do, do something for me. In the envelope is the thing I left for you. When I saw it, it screamed your name.

  Use it, Rebeckah.

  Make it count.

  -Diana

  When I opened the envelope, my heart stopped.

  And my legs ran.

  I ran until I was out of breath and holding my sides. I ran until the tears burned my eyes and I couldn’t see anything in my way. I ran until I thought my heart would give up but it didn’t. And I ended up at school. At the twins’ dorm.

  I knew someone that was walking in so she signed me in and I made a break for it. I ran up the stairs because I was running on adrenaline. Twenty flights of stairs wasn’t a challenge at this point. It’s a death wish. And it’s not happening!

  I’m stressing myself out and trying to push my limits but nothing is happening. Nothing is working. Aside from my desire to see Logan. My legs started moving and they won’t stop until they get what they want.

  I ran out into the hallway and stopped at Logan’s door. I knocked a few times and looked around like a crackhead looking for drugs. I only hear my heart pounding. Everything else is drowned out. I’m the only person in my made up world.

  Logan opened the door and my breath caught.

  I was kind of hoping he wouldn’t be here.

  “Your family’s looking for you,” he said, panicked.

  I grabbed the doorframe and took a shaky breath. This dress needs to come off. These flats need to come off. “What do you see when you look at me?” I asked.

  “What?” he asked, confused. “Rebeckah, you need to sit down–”

  “Tell me. Right now, when you look at me. What do you see?”

  His eyes scanned my face, my body, my eyes, my body. When he locked eyes on me a bit longer, I saw a muscle in his neck twitch. Say it. I don’t care.

  “Someone who is giving up.” I past that stage long ago.

  I nodded. “Keep going.” Tell me. Tell me what I’m feeling because you can do it. I don’t want to do this but it’s the only way. I want to fly. I need to fly. I’m ready. It’s time.

  He shook his head and grabbed my arms but I shook him off. I never wanted to hurt him. At least not now.

  “Like you’re saying goodbye,” Logan said with wet eyes.

  I walked backwards and nodded again. “I never wanted to hurt you,” I cried. “And I never wanted to bring you into my life but you were my best mistake. You made me feel something.” I wiped away the tears and took bigger steps back as Logan walked forward. “Ask my father what happened that day. Tell him to tell you the whole story.”

  “Rebeckah, don’t–”

  “I never made it to the end,” I said, cutting him off. “The nightmares won’t stop. I’m damaged. Unfixable. I’m a ticking time bomb and I’m about to explode. I just wanted you to know that you did help me. You just couldn’t save me.”

  “Rebeckah, don’t get in that elevator,” he said as I pressed the button. I looked up at him as he closed the distance, pinning me to the wall. “What do you plan on doing when you leave this building?” Flying…my way.

  My voice cracked when I said, “Ending it on my own terms.”

  Tears ran down his cheeks as he slipped his hands to the back of my neck. “Please don’t leave,” he whispered. I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see him. “Please.”

  “Why?” I asked. “I was destined to fail. I was never supposed to be born. I told you I was going to disappoint you.”

  Logan leaned into me even more until his lips brushed my neck. He’s talking above my tattoo. “You want to fly. I know you, Rebeckah. So do it. Fly. But don’t come crashing down.” What does he even mean? “I won’t let you fall. I’ll keep you balanced.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat as I opened my eyes.

  “I won’t let you get on that elevator and I won’t let you kill yourself.” I tensed when his lips pressed into my skin. “You came to me, Rebeckah.” He pulled away and held my eyes. “Why?”

  Because I’m an idiot.

  “I’m falling in love with you,” Logan said softly. “And you can deny that you don’t feel the same way but I think you do. You came here. To me. And I’m not fucking letting you go.”

  I turned my eyes to his shoulder as the tears came out harder.

  He’s not falling in love with me. He’s just caught up in something that will end in heartbreak.

  Logan’s arms wrapped around me and I was scooped off the floor. I didn’t kick and scream for him to let me go because I couldn’t. I stared at the clasp envelope in my hands and my mother’s words came back to me. Use it Rebeckah. Make it count.

  Logan locked me up in his dorm and set me on his bed.

  “She wants me to kill myself,” I murmured.

  His blue eyes found mine and I started to cry again. I sank into his bed and sobbed into my knees as I handed him the envelope. He opened it and stared back at me as the shiny gold bullet fell into his palm.

  He didn’t say anything for awhile and I think it’s because he couldn’t. He’s witnessing me having a complete mental breakdown. He’s holding me hostage in his room so I don’t off myself by jumping off a bridge (no one can stop
me from that) and he’s staring at a bullet my mother left behind for me to use.

  Logan stood up and uncurled my tight arms from my legs. He let them dangle off the bed as he stepped in-between them and took my face in his face.

  “I don’t care what people say about you or tell you what to do. Well, maybe just a little because I want to tell you what to do. I want you to stop thinking you’re worthless, a disappointment, broken or anything less than what you are. You are fucking perfect, Rebeckah. I want you to see that. You need to see that. Stop listening to other people.” Right then, I gave him a look. He wants me to stop listening to other people. That includes him. “Besides me. I’m the exception,” he said with a smile on his lips. “Well now that I have your attention I want you to hear me when I say that I won’t give up on you. I will never give up on you. Even when you give up on yourself, I’ll be here. I believe in you. And I won’t let my girlfriend do something reckless.”

  I stared up at him for awhile.

  “Girlfriend?” I said unsure.

  His eyes searched my face then he nodded.

  “Yeah. What do you think? I’m going to kiss you like I kiss you and call you my friend?” he said smiling that smile. “If that was the case then I’d kiss Darren and Caleb like that.”

  “You’re crazy for doing this.”

  “Haven’t you heard? Love makes people do crazy things.”

  I cringed when he said that.

  “Tell me you won’t hurt yourself,” Logan said caressing my cheek. “And mean it.”

  “I can’t do that,” I said looking away.

  “Why?”

  “Because if you knew my story, you’d understand why I’m haunted by the suicidal thoughts. The voice in my head turns everything I do into something bad, reminding me that I don’t deserve this,” I said. “Living. Happiness.” I found his eyes. “You.”

  “Then tell me,” he said resting his forehead against mine. “Tell me your story because you know I won’t judge you.”