“The first time we were going to have sex…that popped into my head. I couldn’t trust that you’d look at me the same way afterwards,” I said shaking my head slowly.
“I did look at you differently,” Logan whispered. “I saw past the lonely girl you were trying to be. I saw you.” A tear slid down my cheek as he leaned into me. “I fell for you the day I saw your neck tattoo. And I knew I was one hundred percent in love with you the day we had sex.” Dammit. I can’t pretend he didn’t say that because he felt me tense. Now how can I move past this? “Don’t shut down on me. I’m not pressuring you into saying anything back. Just know that I love you, Rebeckah.”
He pressed his lips against mine and I turned into ash.
I honestly can’t say how long we stayed like this because I don’t know. Time stopped when his tongue met mine and I couldn’t think about anything except Logan. His smell. His touch. His words. Him.
Logan pulled away from me but the look in his eyes told me he didn’t want to. “We should stop,” he breathed. Who’s he kidding? A smile started on his lips and that damn dimple came out.
I’m done. Just throw me on the bed, strip me naked and take me. I don’t care if my family is sleeping on the other side of the walls.
“You came into my room,” I said tilting my head up.
“Mhm.”
“What makes you think you can call the shots?”
His smile turned into a mega-watt one as I pushed him back until he landed on my bed with a thump. Shit, I hope no one heard that. They should be sleeping not listening to things that happen in my room.
I climbed onto him and brought him back to my lips.
A giggle (I know! I fucking giggled. What the hell is wrong with me?!) escaped my lips when he grabbed my ass and ripped my shorts in the process. He’s going to regret that. These were my favorite ones.
I grabbed his shirt and pulled it off. I wanted to rip it but since there’s no buttons, I can’t really do that quietly. And I want him to leave not looking like an animal attacked him.
My eyes took in his muscled body and I started to drool. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of looking at him. Not when he is the way he is. Add that smile and I’m a goner. I think I always was.
My eyes roamed his body until they landed below his rib cage. My breath caught as I sat back on his legs, staring at it.
“I got it on Christmas Eve,” Logan said propping himself up on his elbows. “I was going to surprise you with it on your birthday.” And then he was going to tell me about the deal.
My fingers traced the black script inked on his skin. You’re what I always wanted. It’s on the opposite side of my ‘I’m what you never wanted’ tattoo. I found his eyes and he looks scared. Shit, does he think I hate it?
“You got it for me?” I asked, tears running down my cheeks, nothing sexy about it at all.
Logan nodded and pulled me into him. “You got yours because of your mother. I wanted you to see this and think of you. I want you to be happy. I want you to know that I’m always thinking of you.” Stop talking before I turn into a girl! “I. Just. Want. You,” he said in-between kissing my cheeks, nose and lips.
My tears hit his chest but he didn’t complain. He just held me and planted feather-light kisses up and down my neck.
I turned off the light and collapsed on him, our tattoos touching.
It was never fake for him. He was always in this.
He loves me.
And somewhere inside of me, I know I love him too.
I just can’t say it. That involves opening up completely and letting him in. I can’t handle that right now.
I wiped my eyes and managed to sit up on Logan.
“Okay…so are you going to get naked or what?” I asked. I can’t be a girl for too long. It’s weird.
We attacked each other like wild animals and Logan didn’t hold back. It’s like he knew we were going to have sex. He fucking knew he’d get me back. What a prick.
Logan grunted as he moved up to kiss me but he must have not known we were on the edge of the bed because he rocked against me too hard, causing us to fall to the floor. And we took Hunter with us. “Wait,” I said breaking our lips apart, holding Logan down as I stopped moving against him. “We can’t have sex on Hunter.”
“Hunter?” Logan panted. “Who the fuck is Hunter?” I squeezed my thighs around him to shut up as I pointed at the bear. “You named him Hunter?” His eyes found mine and I swear they changed into a lighter blue.
He knows I love him. I can’t say it but he knows.
He smiled like a fucking idiot as we managed to get Hunter out from under us then we got back to moving, our bodies connecting until we didn’t know where one of us ended and the other began.
And then my door opened.
I was really in the moment that when I saw the door open, instead of screaming, a moan escaped my lips. Then my eyes widened and I stopped moving. Kelsey is at the door.
“Becka?”
I threw a hand over Logan’s mouth to stop him from breathing too loud. I leaned into the side of my bed, grateful that I’m kind of blocked, and made a sound that I tried to pass off as a ‘what.’
“Are you okay? I keep hearing things knock over.”
“I’m fine,” I said out of breath. Shit, I’m about to explode. It doesn’t help that Logan is still inside of me. Moving under me. Dammit. He’s smiling up at me. Fucker!
“Oh, god,” Kelsey shrieked. “Are you touching yourself?”
Just to get her out of the room I said yes.
“Gawd…awkward. You should have let Logan into the house.” I rolled my eyes but didn’t say anything because then he wouldn’t have climbed in through the window and this wouldn’t be happening right now. I prefer this.
She closed the door and I dropped my hand from Logan’s mouth. “Are you ashamed of me?” he teased.
“Yeah, because my fourteen-year-old sister needs to see your cock while you fuck me,” I deadpanned. “Now shut up and flip me over.”
“You know I love when you snap at me. Especially during sex.” I smiled hearing that.
“No shit. That’s why I do it. Come on. I think you lost a few inches. You’re not hitting the right spot,” I teased. And it worked.
Logan turned me over, my back sticking to the hardwood floor as he made sure I got all of him. Every last inch.
God, this is amazing.
I felt myself come apart and drift into the clouds. Floating higher then come back down. Falling. Falling. Falling. But Logan was there to pick me up and do it all over again.
I don’t want to come back down.
I want to stay on this high forever.
With Logan.
- 19 -
My eyes cracked open and stared at the sleeping, fully clothed man lying beside me. I would prefer him naked but we are in my father’s house and my family is inside of it. Logan stayed the night (morning) so he threw on his clothes and got in bed with me just in case anyone accidently walks in here, they won’t see something they shouldn’t.
I brought my hand to his face and let my fingers have fun as I traced lines on the light freckles on his nose and cheeks. He’s soft and smooth until I get to his stubble. It’s rough against my fingertips but it feels good. His dark lashes resting against his cheekbones are perfect. He’s perfect.
I’m one fucked up person but Logan sees past it.
He accepts me.
But what happens when he finds the perfect girl? The one that he can bring home to his parents and show off to all his friends? I probably screwed all his friends. I did get around with a lot of people back in Seattle. Most were from different states so I wouldn’t know. And it’s not like I can pick a guy out of a crowd and remember our time together. It was just something I did. I was horny and the first guy that saw it, helped me. Then it was over. On to the next one.
“I wish I can tell you that I love you,” I whispered, staring at his lips. “Because I do. I’m just sc
ared you’ll find someone better than me so I’m making it easier for you to leave.”
I watched his chest rise and fall as he continued sleeping then I pecked his lips quickly before getting out of bed. I grabbed clothes and slipped out of my room, heading to the shower.
I secretly wanted Logan to sneak in here with me but I reminded myself that I’m not in my own place. I’m not at a dorm where people can walk around naked and you can fuck them up against the wall when you feel like it.
I got out of the shower, threw on my clothes and headed to my room. I made it just in time to see Matty burst into my room, yelling.
“Hey!” I ran inside and grabbed his arm. “I want him here.” That took a lot from me to say.
“What are you talking–” Matty turned around and his dark eyes found mine. I’m guessing he didn’t see Logan in my bed. “When the fuck were you going to tell us that some guy tried to attack you at work?!”
I don’t know what’s worse. Matty yelling this to the world, Dad and Kelsey walking into the room with worried looks or Logan sitting up in bed with a look that could kill. And it’s not directed towards me. He’s thinking about someone touching me. And he wants to know why I didn’t say anything. Hm, I’m getting good at reading him too. Looks like he’s not the only one that can get in my head.
“What is Matty talking about?” Kelsey asked. Her eyes held mine then they glanced at my bed. She did a double take when she saw Logan in it. When her eyes found mine again, she was smiling like she was handed the world.
“Nothing,” I said shaking my head. I don’t want her to worry. This is exactly why I didn’t say anything.
“It’s not nothing!” Matty snapped. “Toby is downstairs waiting to tell you that his mom dug through police records and she found one for an attempted robbery this month.”
“Matty!” I said through clenched teeth. “Shut. Up.”
He knew exactly why I was giving him that look. He glanced at Kelsey and the color drained from his face. Her eyes are watery and she’s looking at the two of us like we’re going to drop dead right in front of her.
I walked up to her and grabbed her arms.
“It was nothing. I kicked his ass then went to the police station to file a report just in case something like that happens to someone else. Nothing happened.” She chewed on her bottom lip as tears slid down her cheeks. “Kelsey, I don’t want you to worry about me.”
“I can’t help it,” she sniffled, wiping her eyes. “I wake up every day not knowing if I’ll see you.” That crushed me. I know she’s not calling me out on being suicidal but I’m causing her to worry for nothing. She worries she’ll wake up and I’ll just be…gone. She’s getting better so I stopped thinking I wouldn’t see her when I woke up.
Now you have to be brave, Becka. You have to want to live.
I closed my eyes and squeezed her arms a bit harder.
“I promise I’ll wake up every morning,” I said. Do you want to live, Becka? Yes. Are you sure? Yes. I opened my eyes and found hers. “I promise that when I fall asleep each night, I will wake up the next morning until I’m old and gray. If something happens that I can’t control then I will fight my way back, Kelsey. I will always try.” I’m not an idiot and I’m not going to tell her I won’t die. We all die. I can’t promise her something that I know I’ll break. But I can promise her hope. I will live and I will try. I won’t give up.
I won’t let the bad thoughts win.
“You better try hard because Dad is going to kill you for having that sexy man in your bed,” Kelsey said breaking into a smile. She glanced at Logan then at Dad. “And they weren’t wearing clothes when I walked in.” She laughed when she walked out of my room and Matty followed.
Dad stared at the two of us with his mouth hanging open.
“She saw you two?!” he growled under his breath.
“No, sir,” Logan said standing up. Sir? Oh, god, he just called my dad Sir. That is so weird. And cute. Still weird though. “It was dark…and we weren’t on the bed.” I don’t think I can get any redder. There was an awkward silence as everyone stared at the floor.
“Hm.” Dad cleared his throat. “So is all forgotten then?” he asked. “You two back together? Kiss and make up and all that?”
I glanced at Logan and we nodded as we thought about it.
“Good,” Dad said stepping away from the door. “Now get the fuck out of my house. Please.”
“Yes, sir,” Logan said leaning into me. Dad held up his hand, stopping Logan from kissing me goodbye. Are you serious?
“No. Go,” Dad said.
“This is unbelievable,” I said, staring my father down. “I’m twenty-two.”
“And I’m forty-three,” Dad said cocking an eyebrow. “You don’t see me kissing anyone in front of you.” I rolled my eyes as Dad pushed Logan out of my room. “Call her later.” He shut my door as he walked in and stared at me. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Logan is far from his mind now. We’re back to the accident. “Birdie, you can’t keep these things from me.”
“Seriously, Dad,” I sighed. “You kept your secrets to help me, right. I was doing the same. Nothing happened. I at least went to the police and reported it. And did you see Kelsey? I don’t want her upset over nothing.”
“Almost getting robbed is not nothing,” Dad said softly.
I nodded as I crossed my arms.
“I know but nothing happened so I didn’t really worry. I didn’t want you guys to think I’d hit rock bottom again by getting into more trouble. It sucks when everyone walks on eggshells around me.”
Dad walked up to me and pulled me into a hug. “We worry because it’s in our nature. We love you, Birdie. We don’t want anything to happen to you.” His scruff scratched my forehead as he held me tighter. I’m just thinking about Logan…
Damn him for corrupting my thoughts!
After we hugged it out, we headed downstairs.
Toby was sitting on the couch with Peyton beside him, drinking sodas. He has a file in his hands and the look on his face doesn’t show anything good is in it.
“I really don’t want to make your day shitty but I have to,” Toby said softly. “She wants to make it seem like you had a part in it.” I furrowed my brows as I sat down on the couch and took the file from him. “Like you helped them.”
My eyes found his and I couldn’t breathe.
She wants to do what?!
“She wants me to be looked at as an accessory to murder?” I asked, trying to form words through the lump in my throat. Peyton and Toby stared at each other then glanced at me. When Toby nodded, I wanted to jump out of my seat, get on a plane and head over to Seattle. I want to kill his mother. Then I’d be involved in a crime for real.
That fucking bitch wants to tear me apart until I’m nothing! I would never hurt Alice! Ever! I loved her and she was my other half. There was no Rebeckah until there was a Rebeckah and Alice. I got to live because of her.
“Becka, I think you should tell the police the whole story,” Matty said walking into the living room and sitting down beside me. “The whole…you know…” He pointed at my stomach and I wanted to scream or hit something. “You could have been raped.” I didn’t want him to know about that but leave it to me to yell it out during my rage of destroying my room.
“I was stressed,” I mumbled.
“They left you in the motel room,” Toby said finding my eyes. “Becka, they could done something while you blacked out.”
I shook my head as I cracked open the file and stared at my written testimony. This won’t add up in court so I have to do a verbal one. I just need to read this and remember what I said. I know the details of what happened that night but I have to read it. I have to mesmerize what I said because now that Toby’s mom is gunning for me, one wrong word could get me into serious shit.
***
Logan and I got back into our old routine. And we spent a lot of time at his apartment. No, we didn’t have non-stop sex. We did whatev
er we did before the temporary breakup. Sex was never the first thing on our list. I guess talking was. I understand why now but it seems weird to switch it up.
Now that Logan knows everything, I can open up. I’m used to people judging me and tearing me apart. Logan doesn’t do that. He listens. He’s here.
Aimee and Caleb are not like us. They are holed up in her room for hours and it’s rare to see her walking around. Darren and Alyssa are the same. I guess when Darren decided to take up the other room, he invited Alyssa. These people are sex-crazed. That’s all it is.
I don’t understand how they moved into this place so fast but I can’t blame them. It’s what they want to do. Hopefully, they don’t breakup. Then someone will end up homeless. That’s what you get for ditching the dorm.
Sometimes I wonder if I’d move in with Logan if he asked.
No, I need space. And living with him sounds absurd.
But I do think about it. Sometimes.
When I put on this dress I’m wearing right now, I thought about how Logan would look at me. It took everything in me not to strip naked and take care of the ache between my legs when I thought about him. The way Logan’s eyes might hold mine then roam down my body. He invades my thoughts and makes me feel dirty for the things I want to do.
I drove to the twins’ place…and Darren’s because they’re having a small New Year’s party. This will probably be the most fun I’ll have in awhile. I’m predicting my future during this trial and I can see myself shutting down and being weird again. But I won’t give up. I promised Kelsey.
“Holy fucking shit!” Aimee yelled, opening the door to her apartment. “This is why you wanted to come alone. Jesus. You look…” Her eyes stayed on my breasts and I couldn’t help but smile.
This is the first time I’m wearing a mini dress and heels since that night everything went to shit. Jacky stuffed me into them actually. Before she and Remy left for a party of their own, we were all home celebrating before we separated. She brought this baby blue dress over and tossed me into it. I didn’t want to wear it but then I stared at the color and I thought about Logan. And his damn eyes.
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