“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.” Every word of that statement was crazier than the last and, considering Slade was the wellspring of all craziness, that was really saying something. “No one will even notice me with all the Miss America candidates around here. I promise you.” Jane rolled her eyes and started passed him. “I’m not sure what your deal is, but my clothes are wet and I’m not wearing a costume from Camelot, so…”
Jane stopped short when she ran straight into his huge chest. Slade had shifted into her path, so she couldn’t get by.
Her eyes flashed up to his in surprise, no longer feeling cold. Heat spread through her system like a cyclone of fire. Being so close to him sent her heart pounding and had her breath catching in her throat. Slade’s body pressed against hers and suddenly she saw his point about the blanket. Jane could feel the strength of him right through the fabric. She swallowed hard, staring up at him.
Blue eyes burned into hers, his jaw tight.
Holy Jesus, he was pretty.
Jane had never experienced anything like the helpless pull she felt towards Slade. He was unnaturally, impossibly, amazingly gorgeous. That was certainly part of the problem. But, he was also a fucking Vampire, and a crown-obsessed lunatic, and he’d ruined her life. All of that would trump good looks, if his face was his main attraction.
There was something deeper at work between her and Slade. Something that kept dragging her into his obit, even when she knew it was a terrible idea.
“Jane.” He whispered, like he felt it, too.
Which wasn’t damn likely, since he was Prince Charming and she was the girl no one invited to the ball.
Jane jerked back, her eyes falling from his perfect face and settling on some random tree. For a desperate moment she cast around for something to say. Nothing brilliant sprang to mind, so she went back to the stupid blanket. “Alright. Give me your coat.” She finally relented, because she was willing to wear just about anything if it got her away from him faster. She couldn’t think when Slade was so close.
“My coat?” He repeated, as if he’d never heard the words before. The guy seemed a little dazed. He stepped forward, closing the distance between them like he was on auto-pilot to get closer to her. “Why do you want…?
She cut him off, backing up another step. “Just give it to me.”
She was close enough to the edge of the waterfall that Slade froze. He held up his palms, apparently worried that any sudden movements might frighten her into doing something stupid. “Jane, please be careful.” He whispered. “The rocks are slippery and humans are far too breakable. I will give you whatever you desire, just do not fall.”
“I’m fine.” She glanced over her shoulder and winced a bit at the ledge directly behind her. Shit. That was quite a drop. She quickly looked away, again. “Look, I’ll take off the blanket and put on your off-to-fight-a-duel-for-the-heroine’s-fair-hand coat, instead. Will that soothe your offended sensibilities, Tim Gunn?”
Slade ignored her waspish tone. “So… you’ll don my clothing?” He translated slowly, edging away to give her more room.
“Just until my stuff is dry. Alright? Problem solved.” She stepped forward and breathed a sigh of relief to be on more solid ground. “Come on, hand it over.” She gave her fingers an impatient snap.
Jane wasn’t very surprised when he obediently shrugged it off. Slade was always a gentleman, even when she was bossing him around. Sometimes it was easy to believe that he’d been born in another time, when manners and chivalrous conduct mattered.
“I am pleased with the idea of you wearing something I own.” He decided. “It is a strange sensation, but it feels… right.” His voice grew softer. “Many things feel right when I am with you, Jane.”
She refused to respond to that. Jane was pragmatist. All the “rightness” he felt would fade real fast when he slipped a massive diamond onto Allandrina’s manicured hand and won himself a kingdom. The thought made her teeth grind together.
“I’m not going to put the coat on with you watching, idiot.” Jane made a “turn around” motion with her finger. “Turn around.”
Slade obediently faced the other way and cleared his throat. “I sought you out because I had a new idea on how to defeat Fang that I wanted to discuss.” He said, as if he wanted to fill the silence.
“Thrilling.” Jane muttered.
“Yes, it’s a very brilliant and complex stratagem. We --uh-- must pour over each detail so we can…uh…” He trailed off, losing his train of thought. “So… Are you completely naked under that quilt?”
The man was unbelievable. “Is that something a king should be asking me?” Jane demanded.
“No! Of course not.” He cleared his throat, again. “I apologize. It was an inappropriate comment to make to a lady.”
“Uh-huh.” His jacket was warm and comfortable and smelled like him. She should have stuck with the blanket. This was like being wrapped up in Slade’s arms and that was the last thing she needed to cool her desire. “Just tell me your stupid plan to get us out of here.” She grumbled. It wasn’t his fault that she was so pitifully, helplessly attracted to him, but she still couldn’t stop herself from glowering at the back of his head.
Jackass.
“Oh. Yes.” He seemed to rally at bit. “Well, I was thinking of how we could defeat Fang. And it occurred to me that we should try to gain the Silver Sword.”
“The Silver Sword that Roland has, you mean? Given to him by the Dying Old Knight Guy, as part of his prophesized fate or whatever?”
“Yes, the very one.”
“Right. And you think Roland is just going to hand that over to you, huh?”
“Why wouldn’t he? I am clearly the best candidate to defeat Fang. We shall find this boy. He will see my innate glory and incredible leadership qualities. Then, he will give me the sword, so you and I can complete our grand task.”
Jane couldn’t believe that anyone was so clueless about human nature. She rolled her eyes and buttoned up the last of the coat’s buttons. The damn thing fit her like a shroud, so he was sure to be happy. Even the ugly bracelet was better than this and she had no clue why she was even still wearing that hideous hunk of metal. For some reason she’d rather not examine too closely, she hadn’t taken it off since he’d given it to her. She wasn’t feeling so disgustingly sentimental about the coat.
She tied the belt with agitated movements and hoped the jacket didn’t make her look as fat as she already knew it did. “Slade, no way is Roland just going to surrender Infinia’s crown to you, no matter how awesome you are.”
“I am vastly awesome.” He agreed, because of course that’s how he’d interpret that statement. “It is good of you to notice.”
She tried again. “Roland’s supposed to be the star of the movie. He’s not going to want to give that up.”
“Oh, Roland will surely do what’s best for this kingdom. We just need to explain things to him and he will realize that I am the one destined for this glorious quest.” Apparently feeling that he’d given her enough time to change, Slade turned back around. He smiled in satisfaction when he saw her dressed in his jacket. “This is much better.” He decided. “See? You need and I provide. All is how it should be, no?”
“No, all is not as it should be, because I’m still stuck here in World of Warcraft. When all is as it should be, I’ll be back in reality and the only Vampires in my life will be reruns of Buffy.” She stalked around him and this time he let her pass.
“How can your mind still dwell on that silly realm of yours? I do not understand it. It is a world without heroes.” Slade shook his head in annoyance and fell into step beside her. “No matter. You will come to your senses once we have the Silver Sword. Fang will be defeated and then all will be as it should be.”
“Uh-huh.” There was no sense arguing with him. Nothing she said would change his mind. Slade was stubborn as mule a when it came to that “destiny” bullshit. “Alright, so if you think my only way home is thr
ough Roland, then we’ll have to find Roland. How do you propose we do that? We can’t exactly walk out of this forest. It’s a maze, remember?”
“Of course, I remember.” He said, taking her literally. “But all mazes have a solution. We shall just have to work harder to find a way out. The rebels must know of one.”
“They say they don’t.” She arched a brow. “And I believe them, given the fact that they’re still here and not --you know-- anywhere else. Also, they’re morons.”
Slade flashed her a disapproving frown. “You should not insult our subjects, Jane.”
“Your subjects. Not my subjects. I just work here.” She rolled up the cuffs of his coat, trying to uncover her fingers. “Besides, it’s not an insult if it’s true. They’re morons. More importantly, the screenplay says no one escapes the Endless Woods once they enter. It repeats the line --like-- forty times. So, I don’t see how we’re going to just walk out of here.”
“I dislike that cinema script. It lacks literary merit. I feel it best that we ignore the limitation it attempts to place upon us and blaze a path for ourselves.”
Jane snorted. “Very inspirational.”
It actually was a little encouraging. Slade would never, ever give up. It wasn’t in his nature. The guy would keep charging ahead until he got exactly what he wanted. So far his crazy self-confidence had helped him travel across dimensions, put him on the shortlist for a supernatural crown, and won him the hearts and minds of the Infinian rebels. He would figure out a way to escape this forest, if only because he was eager for his climactic battle scene to begin.
Slade glanced down at her. “And you do not ‘just work here.’” He corrected. “I could not do any of this without you, Jane. We are partners.” Vacation poster blue eyes regarded her earnestly. He always looked enthralled and intense and nauseatingly perfect. It was like he lived his eternal life basking in a permanent close-up. “Can you not feel the connection between us? Our fates are intertwined.”
Jane scoffed at that idea, because what else could she do? Admit that she was becoming more and more attached to Kull the Conqueror? What would that get her, when she standing in the unemployment line and Slade was married to his magical princess? “‘Our fates are intertwined?’” She repeated. “Jesus, I already bought your little campaign speech. Let’s not go overboard.”
“It is the truth. We were brought together through providence. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will be able to concentrate on our mission.”
“Trust me, being stuck in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter has my full attention, alright? Just as soon as we can book a flight out of this forest and find Roland, I will be…”
He cut her off in confusion. “Book a flight?” He repeated. “I am unfamiliar with this tome.”
“Not ‘book’ like a book. ‘Book’ like a plane ticket.” From his blank look, she was guessing the Wright Brothers soared over Kitty Hawke post-1893. “We could fly out of here,” she rephrased bluntly, “except we can’t fly.”
Slade made a dismissive sound. “Don’t be silly, Jane Squire…”
“I’m not being silly. People in my time have machines that can…”
He kept talking right over her. “…Of course, I can fly.”
Jane stopped short. “Huh?” She turned to look at him. “Wait, what did you just say?” She must have heard that wrong.
“I said of course I can fly. I am a Vampire, after all. It is one of our many gifts. For instance, we can use supernatural powers to shield ourselves from enemies, we are nearly impossible to kill, we are wonderful dancers, and sometimes we can teleport.”
Jane stared at him. “And you can fly.”
“And I can fly.”
“So you could get above those trees,” she pointed at the dense leaves over their heads, “and see which way we should go?”
Slade looked up. “Well… yes.” He admitted.
Jane released a calming breath, trying not to scream. “I see. And you haven’t done this yet, because…?” She let her voice trail off questioningly. As if maybe there was some halfway reasonable explanation for why he hadn’t gotten them out of this damn forest days ago. As if that didn’t solve one of their biggest problems. As if she wasn’t two seconds away from beating him to death with a rock. “Did you not think of that?”
“I did think of it and I can fly.” Slade explained. “But, I can’t fly, right now. It is a very taxing power and I am not at full strength.”
“You look healthy to me.” Massive understatement. She forced herself not to get distracted by his overwhelming healthy looking-ness. No small task, considering he was so fucking shiny it burned her eyes.
Jane sighed in frustration as they marched back through the rebel village. It still looked like Tarzan’s summer place. There wasn’t much she could do to change the idiotic set, although she’d certainly tried. She made sure Slade banned all the musical numbers and Thunderdome crap. No more Fred Astaire-ing and no more pointless MMA-fighting in cages made of branches and bones. Neither decision had gone over well, although no one bothered to blame Slade. The villagers waved, and smiled, and genuflected at him like he was Superman.
No one waved, and smiled, and genuflected at Jane.
She wasn’t surprised. Slade was definitely the “good cop” half of their partnership. The villagers tended to watch Jane warily, possibly because she was always the one pointing out the obvious flaws in their rebellion. For instance, that their “weapons” were just sticks, which would have absolutely no effect on a Werewolf, and their “plans” weren’t plans, because they never got around to actually planning anything except dinner.
Which was always squirrel.
Jane didn’t worry about winning over the townsfolk, though. Slade was the one who dreamed of being Yertle, King of the Turtles. Jane just wanted to make sure the two of them survived his ascension. That was all that mattered.
…Oh, alright fine. It also mattered if the dorky rebels survived. That was kind of why she’d agreed to help, after all. She didn’t want the villagers dead, which was exactly what would happen if they went after Fang without thinking. From Here to Infinia didn’t care about people whose characters didn’t even have names. Who would miss “Dirty Peasant Number 3” or “Screaming Woman in Hut?”
Someone had to look after the extras of this world and it looked like that someone was Jane. This might be a movie back in reality, but, here in Infinia, everything was real. It had taken her awhile to fully accept it, but it was the truth. This place was real. These people were real. And she needed to give them their best shot at survival.
Jane knew what it was to be an expendable part of the cast.
No one got killed off for dramatic effect in her film. She didn’t care if it raised the stakes for the main cast or if these villagers weren’t exactly going to change the world, every life meant something. Everyone contributed to the story. Everyone got a speaking part.
Even the stupid people.
For the past week, Jane had been preaching restraint, which seemed to baffle the brain trust of rebels. Especially since Slade listened to her and not them. For all his numerous failings, the Vampire consistently took her advice over everyone else’s. Every decision he made, he ran passed her. Jane’s logical objections to suicide missions, and Slade acquiescence to her complaints, frustrated the more hotheaded villagers. Now that they had a leader for their army, they were ready to ride to the Obsidian Fortress and throw rotten fruit at the gate. Jane stubbornly insisted that they come up with an idea that a chance in hell of working.
Step one would be getting out of this damn forest.
“King Slade!” A bowtied Gnome popped his head out of a hut. He was From Here to Infinia’s “madcap scientist” character, forever creating anachronisms and eye-rolling stupidity. “The first phase of testing went better than expected. My wooden robots will be ready for the field in no time.”
“Excellent work, Symon.” Slade gave him an enthusiastic thumbs-up. “
I knew you could do it.”
Symon nodded happily and disappeared back into his workshop, which was somehow powered by a solar panel that he’d somehow made from leaves.
Slade glanced at Jane. “What is a wooden robot?” He asked in a quieter tone.
“I told you, I’m not dealing with Symon. Every fantasy movie has some guy with white hair and glasses who invented proto-steampunk bullshit. It’s cheap and I refuse to engage.” She shook her head and got back to business. “Now, what do you need to be at full Vampire strength and fly? Like kryptonite or something?” Or wait, that drained strength, didn’t it?
“I haven’t eaten in over a week.” Slade shrugged, as if it was obvious. “I will have to feed.”
Jane looked over at him. “On… blood?” She guessed, wrinkling her nose.
“Yes. Vampires need human blood to survive. Or the blood from our Eternal-One.” He paused briefly to give an autograph to a beaming little boy with red horns. Slade tousled the kid’s hair and glanced back at Jane. “Even if Melessa was in this dimension, I would not drink from her, though. So, human blood is the only option.”
Jane tried to think of it like a specialized diet. Kind of like someone with a wheat allergy or who had to eat extra protein. “Well, I’m sure there are a ton of people around here who would be happy to open a vein for you. Just try not to kill them or turn them into Vampires, because…”
“I would never kill someone I feed from.” He interrupted, sounding insulted. “And a bite alone isn’t enough to convert someone to Vampirism.”
“If you say so.”
“I do say so.” He paused. “There is a problem, though.”
“What a surprise.” Slade was nothing but one huge complication after another. “You know what? Don’t even tell me about it. Vampire rules make my brain hurt.”
Slade ignored that and told her anyway. “When a Vampire bites someone, the human experiences it like an aphrodisiac.” He shrugged. “It is why I only bite woman.”
Jane blinked. “You sleep with the girls as you drain their blood? That is so frigging kinky. And not in a good way.”
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