Why not explain to the interviewer why the Angel of the North is important?
Duh. Usually they’re fun.
Take the train to Newcastle and walk along the river until you see on the hill where people keep their homing pigeons. Muck out the cages for readies.
It’s useful when you’re a bit short, it comes up with ideas to make some dosh.
It’s really clever. It takes all the stuff that goes on around here and stirs it around and comes up with something new. Here, listen:
The laws of evolution have been applied to fun. New generations of ideas are generated and eliminated at such a speed that evolution works in real time. It’s survival of the funnest and you decide.
They evolve machines too. Have you seen our new little airplanes? They’ve run the designs through thousands of generations, and they got better and faster and smarter.
The vicar bought the whole church choir airplanes they can wear. The wings are really good, they look just like bird’s wings with pinions sticking out like this. Oh! I really want one of them. You can turn somersaults in them. People build them in their sheds for spare readies, I could get one now if I had the dosh.
Every Sunday as long as it isn’t raining, you can see the church choir take off in formation. Little old ladies in leotards and blue jeans and these big embroidered Mexican hats. They rev up and take off and start to sing the Muslim call to prayer. They echo all over the show. Then they cut their engines and spiral up on the updraft. That’s when they start up on Nearer My God to Thee.
Every Sunday, Granddad and I used to walk up Shibbon Road to the Dene. It’s so high up there that we could look down on top of them. He never got over it. Once he laughed so hard he fell down, and just lay there on the grass. We just lay on our backs and looked up at the choir, they just kept going up like they were kites.
When the Travellers come to Blaydon, they join in. Their wagons are pulled by horses and have calliopes built into the front, so on Sundays, when the choir goes up, the calliopes start up, so you got organ music all over the show as well. Me dad calls Blaydon a sound sandwich. He says it’s all the hills.
The Travellers like our acoustics, so they come here a lot. They got all sorts to trade. They got these bacteria that eat rubbish, and they hatch new machines, like smart door keys that only work for the right people. They make their own beer, but you got to be a bit careful how much you drink.
Granddad and I used to take some sarnies and our sleeping bags and kip with them. The Travellers go everywhere, so they sit around the fire and tell about all sorts going on, not just in England but France and Italia. One girl, her mum let her go with them for a whole summer. She went to Prague and saw all these Buddhist monks from Thailand. They were Travellers and all.
Granddad used to tell the Travellers his stories too. When he was young he went to Mexico. India. The lot. You could in them days. He even went to Egypt, my granddad. He used to tell the Travellers the same stories, over and over, but they never seemed to notice. Like, when he was in Egypt he tried to rent this boat to take him onto the Delta, and he couldn’t figure why it was so expensive, and when he got on it, he found he’d rented a car ferry all to himself by mistake. He had the whole thing to himself. The noise of the engines scared off the birds which was the only reason he’d wanted the boat.
So, Granddad was something of a Traveller himself. He went everywhere.
There’s all sorts to do around Blaydon. We got dolphins in the municipal swimming pool.
We dug it ourselves, in the Haughs just down there by the river. It’s tidal, our river. Did you know? It had dolphins anyway, but our pool lured them in. They like the people and the facilities, like the video conferencing. They like video conferencing, do dolphins. They like being fed and all.
My dad and I help make the food. We grind up fish heads on a Saturday at Safeways. It smells rotten to me, but then I’m not an aquatic mammal, am I? That’s how we earned the readies to buy me my watch. You get everyone along grinding fish heads, everybody takes turns. Then you get to go to the swimming.
Sick people get first crack at swimming with the dolphins. When Granddad was sick, he’d take me with him. There’d be all this steam coming off the water like in a vampire movie. The dolphins always knew who wasn’t right, what was wrong with them. Mrs Grathby had trouble with her joints, they always used to be gentle with her, just nudge her along with their noses like. But Granddad, there was one he called Liam. Liam always used to jump up and land real hard right next to him, splash him all over and Granddad would push him away, laughing like, you know? He loved Liam. They were pals.
Have a major water-fight on all floors of the Grand Hotel in Newcastle.
Hear that? It just keeps doing that until something takes your fancy.
Hire Dad the giant bunny rabbit costume again and make him wear it.
We did that once before. It was dead fun. I think it knows Dad’s a bit down since Granddad.
Call your friend Heidi and ask her to swap clothes with you and pretend to be each other for a day.
Aw Jeez! Me sister’s been wearing me watch again! It’s not fair! It mucks it up, it’s supposed to know what I like, not her and that flipping Heidi. And she’s got her own computer, it’s loads better than mine, it looks like a shirt and has earphones, so no one else can hear it. It’s not fair! People just come clod-hopping through. You don’t get to keep nothing.
Look this is all I had to do to get this watch!
Grind fishfood on 3.11, 16.11, 20.12 and every Sunday until 3.3
Clean pavements three Sundays
Deliver four sweaters for Step Mum
Help Dad with joinery for telecoms outstation
Wire up Mrs Grathby for video immersion
Attend school from April 10th to 31 July inclusive
I did even more than that. At least I got some over. I’m saving up for a pair of cars.
Me and me mates love using the cars. I borrow me dad’s pair. You wear them like shoes and they’re smart. It’s great fun on a Sunday. We all go whizzin down Lucy Street together, which is this great big hill, but the shoes won’t let you go too fast or crash into anything. We all meet up, whizz around in the mall in great big serpent. You can preprogramme all the cars together, so you all break up and then all at once come back together, to make shapes and all.
Granddad loved those cars. He hated his stick, so he’d go shooting off in my dad’s pair, ducking and weaving, and shouting back to me, Come on, Landlubber, keep up! I was a bit scared in them days, but he kept up at me ’til I joined in. He’d get into those long lines, and we’d shoot off the end of them, both of us. He’d hold me up.
He helped me make me lantern and all. Have you seen our lanterns, all along the mall? They look good when the phosphors go on at night. All the faces on them are real people, you know. You know the ink on them’s made of these tiny chips with legs? Dad’s seen them through a microscope, he says they look like synchronized swimmers.
I got one with my face on it. I was bit younger then so I have this really naff crew cut. Granddad helped me make it. It tells jokes. I’m not very good at making jokes up, but Granddad had this old joke book. At least I made the effort.
Let’s see, what else. There’s loads around here. We got the sandbox in front of the old mall. Everybody has a go at that, making things. When King William died all his fans in wheelchairs patted together a picture of him in sand. Then it rained. But it was a good picture.
Our sandbox is a bit different. It’s got mostly real sand. There’s only one corner of it computer dust. It’s all right for kids and that or people who don’t want to do things themselves. I mean when we were little we had the dust make this great big 3D sign Happy Birthday Granddad Piper. He thought it was wonderful because if you were his age and grew up with PCs and that, it must be wonderful, just to think of something and have it made.
I don’t like pictures, they’re too easy. Me, I like to get stuck in. If I go to the sandb
ox to make something, I want to come back with sand under me fingernails. Me dad’s the same. When Newcastle won the cup, me and me mates made this big Newcastle crest out of real sand. Then we had a sandfight. It took me a week to get the sand out of me hair. I got loads of mates now, but I didn’t used to.
Granddad was me mate for a while. I guess I was his pet project. I always was a bit quiet, and a little bit left out, and also I got into a bit of trouble from time to time. He got me out of myself.
You know I was telling you about the Angel? When I went back into that tram I sat and listened to the rain on the roof. It was dead quiet and there was nobody around, so I could be meself. So I asked me watch. OK then. What is this Angel? And it told me the story of how the Angel of the North got a soul.
There was this prisoner in Hull jail for thieving cos he run out of readies cos he never did nothing. It was all his fault really, he says so himself. He drank and cheated his friends and all that and did nothing with all his education.
He just sat alone in his cell. First off, he was angry at the police for catching him, and then he was angry with himself for getting caught and doing it and all of that. Sounds lovely, doesn’t he? Depressing isn’t the word.
Then he got this idea, to give the Angel a soul.
It goes like this. There are 11 dimensions, but we only see three of them and time, and the others are what was left over after the Big Bang. They’re too small to see but they’re everywhere at the same time, and we live in them too, but we don’t know it. There’s no time there, so once something happens, it’s like a photograph, you can’t change it.
So what the prisoner of Hull said that means is that everything we do gets laid down in the other dimensions like train tracks. It’s like a story, and it doesn’t end until we die, and that does the job for us. That’s our soul, that story.
So what the prisoner in Hull does, is work in the prison, get some readies and pay to have a client put inside the Angel’s head.
And all the other computers that keep track of everyone’s jobs or the questions they asked, or just what they’re doing, that all gets uploaded to the Angel.
Blaydon’s there. It’s got all of us, grinding fish heads. every time someone makes tea or gets married from Carlisle to Ulverton from Newcastle to Derby, that gets run through the Angel. And that Angel is laying down the story of the North.
My watch told me that, sitting in that tram.
Then everyone else starts coming back in, but not Dad and Granddad, so I go out to fetch them.
The clouds were all pulled down in shreds. It looked like the cotton candy that Dad makes at fêtes. The sky was full of the church choir in their little airplanes. For just a second, it looked like a Mother Angel, with all her little ones.
I found Dad standing alone with Granddad. I thought it was rain on my dad’s face, but it wasn’t. He was looking at Granddad, all bent and twisted, facing into the wind.
We got to go, Dad, I said.
And he said, In a minute son. Granddad was looking up at the planes and smiling.
And I said it’s raining, Dad. But they weren’t going to come in. So I looked at the Angel and all this rust running off it in red streaks onto the concrete. So I asked, if it’s an Angel of the North, then why is it facing south?
And Granddad says, Because it’s holding out its arms in welcome.
He didn’t want to go.
We got him back into the tram, and back home, and he started to wheeze a bit, so me stepmum put him to bed and about eight o’clock she goes in to swab his teeth with vanilla, and she comes out and says to Dad, I think he’s stopped breathing.
So I go in, and I can see, no he’s still breathing. I can hear it. And his tongue flicks, like he’s trying to say something. But Dad comes in, and they all start to cry and carry on. And the neighbours all come in, yah, yah, yah, and I keep saying, it’s not true, look, he’s still breathing. What do they have to come into it for, it’s not their granddad, is it?
No one was paying any attention to the likes of me, were they? So I just take off. There’s this old bridge you’re not allowed on. It’s got trees growing out of it. The floor’s gone, and you have to walk along the top of the barricades. You fall off, you go straight into the river, but it’s a good dodge into Newcastle.
So I just went and stood there for a bit, looking down on the river. Me granddad used to take me sailing. We’d push off from the Haughs, and shoot out under this bridge, I could see where we were practically. And we’d go all the way down the Tyne and out to sea. He used to take me out to where the dolphins were. You’d see Liam come up. He was still wearing his computer, Liam, like a crown.
So I’m standing on the bridge, and me watch says: go down to the swimming pool, and go and tell Liam that Granddad’s dead.
It’s a bit like a dog I guess. You got to show one dog the dead body of the other or it will pine.
So I went down to the pool, but it’s late and raining and there’s nobody there, and I start to call him, like: Liam! Li-am! But he wasn’t there.
So me watch says: he’s wearing his computer: give him a call on his mobile.
So me watch goes bleep bleep bleep, and there’s a crackle and suddenly I hear a whoosh and crickle, and there’s all these cold green waves on the face of my watch, and I say Liam? Liam, this is me, remember me, Liam? My granddad’s dead Liam. I thought you might need to know.
But what is he, just a dolphin right, I don’t know what it meant. How’s he supposed to know who I am. You all right then, Liam? Catching lots of fish are you? So I hung up.
And I stand there, and the rain’s really bucketing down, and I don’t want to go home. Talking to yourself. It’s the first sign, you know.
And suddenly me watch starts up again, and it’s talking to me with Granddad’s voice. You wanna hear what it said? Here. Hear.
Hello there, Landlubber. How are ya? This is your old Granddad. It’s a dead clever world we live in, isn’t it? They’ve rigged this thing up here, so that I can put this in your watch for when you need it.
Listen, me old son. You mustn’t grieve, you know. Things are different now. They know how it works. We used to think we had a little man in our heads who watched everything on a screen and when you died he went to heaven not you. Now, they know, there’s no little man, there’s no screen. There’s just a brain putting everything together. And what we do is ask ourselves: what do we think about next? What do we do next?
You know all about those dimension things, don’t you? Well I got a name for them. I call them Everywhere. Cos they are. And I want you to know, that I’m Everywhere now.
That’s how we live for ever in heaven these days. And it’s true, me old son. You think of me still travelling around Mexico before I met your Mamby. Think of me in India. Think of me learning all about readies to keep up with you lot. Think of me on me boat, sailing out to sea. Remember that day I took you sailing out beyond the Tyne mouth? It’s still there, Landlubber.
You know, all the evil in the world, all the sadness comes from not having a good answer to that question: what do I do next? You just keep thinking of good things to do, lad. You’ll be all right. We’ll all be all right. I wanted you to know that.
I got me footie on Saturdays, Granddad. Then I’m thinking I’ll start up school again. They got a sailing club now. I thought I’d join it, Granddad, thought I’d take them out to where you showed me the dolphins. I’ll tell them about Everywhere.
Did you know, Granddad?
They’re making a new kind of watch. It’s going to show us Everywhere, too.
HOTHOUSE FLOWERS
Mike Resnick
Mike Resnick is one of the bestselling authors in science fiction, and one of the most prolific. His many novels include The Dark Lady, Stalking the Unicorn, Paradise, Santiago, Ivory, Soothsayer, Oracle, Lucifer Jones, Purgatory, Inferno, A Miracle of Rare Design, A Hunger in the Soul, and The Widowmaker. His award-winning short fiction has been gathered in the colle
ction Will the Last Person to Leave the Planet Please Turn Off the Sun? Of late, he has become almost as prolific as an anthologist, editing Inside the Funhouse: 17 SF stories about SF, Whatdunits, More Whatdunits, and Shaggy B.E.M Stories; a long string of anthologies co-edited with Martin H. Greenberg, Alternate Presidents, Alternate Kennedys, Alternate Warriors, Aladdin: Master of the Lamp, Dinosaur Fantastic, By Any Other Fame, Alternate Outlaws, and Sherlock Holmes in Orbit, among others; as well as two anthologies co-edited with Gardner Dozois, Future Earths: Under African Skies and Future Earths: Under South American Skies. He won the Hugo Award in 1989 for “Kirinyaga”. He won another Hugo Award in 1991 for another story in the Kirinyaga series, “The Manumouki”, another Hugo and Nebula in 1995 for his novella “Seven Views of Olduvai Gorge”, and another Hugo in 1998 for his story “The 43 Antarean Dynasties”. His most recent books include the novel The Widowmaker Reborn, and a collection of his award-winning Kirinyaga stories (although Resnick himself considers it to be a mosaic novel), Kirinyaga. Several of his books are in the process of being turned into big-budget movies. He lives with his wife, Carol, in Cincinnati, Ohio. He has a web site at www.mikeresnick.com.
When the haunting and deceptively quiet little story that follows first appeared, a couple of critics said that they found its core scenario “unlikely”. If you’ve spent long hours in nursing homes with aged and infirm relatives, though, as I’ve had to do again and again in the last few years, you soon come to realize that, alas, it’s all too likely . . .
I TEST THE TEMPERATURE. It is 83 degrees, warm but not hot. Just right. I spend the next hour puttering around, checking medications, adjusting the humidity, cleaning one of the life stations. Then Superintendent Bailey stops by on his way out to dinner.
“How are your charges doing?” he asks. “Any problems today?”
“No, sir, everything’s fine,” I answer.
“Good,” he says. “We wouldn’t want any problems, especially not with the celebration coming up.”
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