How to Win at Life by Cheating at Everything

by Mark Perez

  And finally, and most importantly in the dos and don’ts section…

  Don’t…

  COUNT YOUR WINNINGS BEFORE THE HAND IS OVER

  This one in particular strikes a very personal chord for reasons you will soon come to understand. If you start blowing your Super Bowl winnings during the shitty halftime show, don’t be surprised when the other team comes out in the second half, an entirely new squad, and annihilates your ass by 13½. You see, this game is continuously evolving, and there will invariably be a new lesson to learn. And underestimating your mark is a lesson that could cost you. Bigtime.

  Do…

  ALWAYS ASSUME THE SUCKER IS ACTUALLY THE SNAKE

  This is the most important rule of most important rules. And that’s because it’s the one that trumps all the others (kinda like how thou shalt not kill beats the adultery one). You must constantly assume that there are other players in The Game. No matter how ignorant the guy looks, no matter how friendly the woman acts, no matter how inviting the community appears to be, always expect the unexpected.

  Note: More specifically, when you are picking a place to swindle, make sure they aren’t setting you up to take the fall for a corrupt scam of their own.

  SOMETIMES YOUR CON CAN BURN YOU BACK. LIKE HERPES.

  Well, it seems there was a damn good reason why it all seemed way too easy. From getting the people to trust me. To getting the town sweetheart to fall in love with me. To being elected to higher office without ever having to engage in an actual election. And the reason it was so easy…was because it was intended to be. God, even writing about it now, I’m stunned at how dumb I was. ME! The best of the best…

  …got burned by his own fire.

  You see, as it turned out, most everybody in Honest, Indiana, wasn’t so goddamned honest after all. From the mayor to the Kiwanis Club president to the local beauty queen—it seems they were all performing a con back on me. And in hindsight, all the telltale signs were there. I just failed to see them. Or, if I’m being totally honest with myself, perhaps I just didn’t want to.

  I should have noticed that kid mayor lived in a house way above his means.

  Or that the president of the Kiwanis Club was clearly driving a jerkoff car.

  And probably most embarrassingly, my main girl, the one I had fallen for so hard, that young and innocent soul I lovingly referred to as the “town treasure,” the one I was almost willing to break character for…

  …turns out she was secretly upgrading her guy, too.

  As I came to find out (way too late, I might add), they were the ones who put that pop-up on the Internet, touting themselves as the “Most Honest Town in America.” Not because they hoped it would attract more good people to their little town, but rather exactly one bad one. That ad was bait. For some creep from the big city. Some guy who thought he was way more clever than he actually was. A plan for that dickhead to come to town and think he could take these eighteen-thousand-plus people for a ride. But as fate would have it, the ride took me.

  And that brings us back to the most peculiar pawn in The Game. Dear old Dad. Pops’s fortuitous arrival came at a very suspect time, looking back. And though he denied it at first, I had the sneaking suspicion that he just may have had something to do with all of this. Shit, who am I kidding? I would have bet my life on it. All that “I’m proud of you” garbage. The stuff I so wanted to hear. The accolades that sounded so foreign coming out of his mouth. I should have known I was being played! And from the moment they took me away in those cuffs, I felt this awful gnawing in the base of my gut that said this “father” of mine acted as a roper to distract his only son…while an entire town pulled the scam of all scams…back on him.

  Synchronicity, indeed.

  Turns out the folks in Honest, Indiana, had been bleeding the place dry for a good decade or so. Everything I just showed you how to do—they had been doing for a long time before I ever got there. And right around the time I confidently sauntered across those city limits, they were just about to get a federal inquiry into why they had been in the red for so many years. So all they needed was a patsy to take the hit for them. A fall guy. Somebody who would know how to steal, embezzle, and misappropriate without ever batting an eye. What they needed was some greedy con man to do exactly what he did best.

  And that con man was me.

  But you know what the really curious part was? And this is going to sound fucking insane, but…I wasn’t that angry about it. Not at all, in fact. On the contrary, I was actually impressed. And I was somehow comforted that there were not only a few like-minded people out in this world, but a whole goddamned congregation of them. An entire city, in fact! After a full lifetime of feeling like an outcast, a ship with no port, this place, this town of liars and scammers and crooks…actually felt kinda like home to me. My only real regret was that I wished I could have been part of the con, too. Wished I could have assisted my peers instead of being their target. But as those pussy French say, c’est la vie, motherfucker.

  So if you are unfortunate enough to end up being burned by your own sham, by an entire city of shysters, and quite possibly by your own father, there’s another quick chapter of lessons you need to memorize, ASAP….

  HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM A PRISON SEXUAL ASSAULT

  One thing is for sure. If you decide to get into this business, no matter how clever you are, no matter how airtight the scheme, eventually one way or another you will be caught. It’s just another part of The Game. (Like getting injured in football. Or criminally indicted as a Caucasian police officer.) Therefore, knowing how to survive behind bars is pertinent to your survival in The Game. Because if you’re killed by an Aryan gang for sitting at the wrong chow table, your con artist career is officially over, and then what good are you? So I figured I’d add this last chapter because one day, sooner or later, you will find yourself behind similar walls (especially if you follow the lessons in this book). And you will need to be at the top of your game because these places are like Con Man Universities. And you are either taking classes or getting schooled (and perhaps raped). So…

  BE HUMBLE

  Remember when your highschool wrestling coach told you that there was always somebody tougher and meaner out there than you? Yeah, well, they all inhabit this locked compound. And one of them will most likely be your cellie.

  DON’T BE GANDHI

  A repeated theme when you’re growing up is “don’t judge a book by its cover.” We’re taught not to see color, but to instead judge a person by the content of their character. Well, inside these razor wire fences, judge them by their color, lest ye be judged (and again, most likely raped).

  DON’T ASSUME THE BEST IN PEOPLE

  If you bum a smoke from a dude and he says, “It’s a twofer,” it means you now owe him two cigarettes for that one. Prison systems have their own economy. Out in the real world, people exchange money for goods and services. In prison, currencies called “cigarettes” and “drugs” are exchanged for services like “legal advice” and “blowjobs.” Assume the worst in people. Always assume the worst.

  DON’T BE CURIOUS

  As much as it may look like it, you’re not starring in a United Colors of Benetton commercial. You’re not here to get to know anyone. Keep your mouth shut and your head down, and try to be invisible.

  BECOME A JAILHOUSE F. LEE BULLSHITTER

  The minute you can, head straight to the prison library. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Spend all of your free time reading up on legal matters, specifically those that pertain to getting someone the fuck out of prison. Even if you know nothing about the law, advertise that you do.

  PRETEND TO BE CRAZY

  For a long time now, feigning mental illness has always been a great way for us humans to get out of trouble. From Howard Hughes to Mark David Chapman—the shit works. So your best bet is to try to be admitted into the psych ward. You’ll have a much easier time there. And by that I mean there will be four cement walls between i
mmediate danger and your butthole.

  DON’T BE A SNITCH

  If you see anything illegal going on—such as too many people congregating on the handball court or an inmate getting murdered with a pillowcase full of batteries—just walk away. The moment you snitch is the moment you become public enemy number two (right after the pillowcase beating guy). While you may have earned brownie points with the warden, you’ll pay for it in severe ass whoopings later.

  BIDE YOUR TIME

  Now, here comes the good part. Keep your chin up! This is only your first offense. You won’t catch life for scamming a few people. So spend your time inside wisely. Plan for what you’re going to do when you get out. Use all those free moments to set up your next angle. And who knows? You just might get lucky. Your time behind bars could end up being a lot shorter than you would have anticipated. You see, sometimes the people you’ve always counted on the least…end up being the ones who are there for you when you need them most. If you don’t believe it, I have proof.

  You see, it was Pops who got the town to hire a really smart city attorney. It was my dad who came up with the ingenious plan of getting me out of prison on a technicality. It was my FATHER, the one that had betrayed me, who got everybody in Honest, Indiana, to refuse to testify against me. And if you know anything about the law (and being a former fake lawyer, I knew this well), you know that when no one is willing to testify against you, it’s kinda hard for the federal government to build a credible case.

  So instead of seeing me locked away for good and letting me rot, my father talked the town into another option. And after some nudging by him, the people of Honest, Indiana, had a proposition for me. To join them. In the hopes of making their town a veritable SPIDER’S WEB OF CON. They saw how good I was at what I did. Saw my potential. Figured they could use me. And after the heat died down a little, and with the help of dear ol’ Dad, they decided to recruit me to catch the next batch of swindlers, charlatans, and crooks. The next marks that would inevitably be coming to Honest, Indiana, ready and willing to take advantage of it. To roll it. To try to leave their mark, as I had done before them. And do you know what I did, without hesitation? I said yes. It seems after all that I had gone through, even going to prison, I couldn’t deny that this town was where I belonged.

  My dad did all that for me.

  Do you remember early on when I told you this book was a sort of love story? About two people who, after all that difficult stuff went down between them, you could never imagine ending up together at the end…actually ending up together?

  Nah, I wasn’t talking about the local sweetheart. She still sucks.

  I was actually talking about my dad.

  As it turns out, he was proud of me. And in the end, that’s all I ever really wanted. That’s all any of us ever want; whether we deny it or not, it’s just true. And it also turns out that this really is an apt title to my book. Because I did “Win at Life.” Just not the way I had expected to. And that’s how it usually works, right?

  If you’re lucky, that is. Thanks, Pops.

  My plan working to perfection.

  ENOUGH WITH THE BOOK. GO SCAM SOMEONE.

  Now you know the basics. The ups and downs. The ins and outs. The fundamentals of The Game. I hope this book was helpful to you in some way. Maybe it taught you to be more cynical and less of a target. Maybe it taught you how to find a target. Maybe you just occasionally flipped through it while deucing. I don’t really give a hot damn which it was. Because in the end, all proceeds of this book will benefit the Foundation for Underprivileged Kids United. A nonprofit I’m proud to endorse here and now. You see, I had a revelation after I finished writing. This was going to be the only way I would be able to give back to the world after I had taken so much from it. And I know this is going to sound corny…but if I can help just one kid get off the streets…protect one child so he or she is not raised the same way I was…then all of this would have been worth it.

  I’m lying. That acronym is FUK U. But if you’ve been paying any attention, then you already knew that, didn’t you?

  Besides, unless their last name is Rowling, nobody is making a profit writing some dumb book these days. No, I’m just hoping this turns into a TV show or movie or something. I’m not making squat any other way. So, what the hell are you waiting for, dipshit?

  Steal the fucking book…

  ABOUT

  THE AUTHOR

  As the inaugural member of The Walt Disney Studios Writers’ Program, Mark Perez has been writing professionally for twenty years. In that time, he’s sold over twenty-five screenplays to the likes of Universal, MGM, Warner Bros., New Line, and Columbia, among others. He’s also written pilots for ABC, NBC, FOX, Comedy Central and more, and written projects for Adam Sandler, Steve Martin, Ben Stiller, and Diane Keaton, among others. His next movie, Game Night, starring Jason Bateman and Rachel McAdams, is being produced by Warner Bros. and New Line, and will be released Valentine’s Day weekend in 2018.

  THE CARTOONIST

  For forty-five years, Scott Shaw! has written and drawn underground comix (Fear and Laughter), kids’ comic books (Captain Carrot And His Amazing Zoo Crew!, Sonic The Hedgehog, Simpsons Comics), comic strips (Woodsy Owl), graphic novels (Annoying Orange), TV cartoons (Jim Henson’s Muppet Babies, Camp Candy, The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley), and advertising (Pebbles Cereal starring The Flintstones), and was one of the kids who started the San Diego Comic-Con—so he knows all about getting conned.

  THE PHOTOGRAPHER

  Annastasia Goldberg really should know better than to hang out with miscreants like the gentlemen listed above, but the book’s editor made her an offer she couldn’t refuse, and it led her down the dark path to perdition. A graduate from UCLA in Fine Arts, she has provided photography for Variety magazine and the Los Angeles Times, and currently focuses on artistic portraiture. She has never accepted any wooden nickels.