It was too much. All of this was just too much.
And she couldn’t do it.
Chapter Twenty
There was an annoying throbbing at her temple Jordan couldn’t quite explain. She squinted in an attempt to shake it off as she pushed herself into a sitting position, awake but a little confused. It was morning; that much she could tell. She raised her hand to the side of her forehead and discovered the bandage.
Right, drunk guy in the clinic. Fun times.
There was a bottle of aspirin and glass of water next to her bed with a Post-it from her mother instructing her to take the pills upon waking. She did, and shortly after her shower, felt immensely better. She applied her customary lip gloss and checked her phone for any communication from Molly. A text. A voice mail. Anything. She wasn’t surprised, but she was sadly disappointed.
The look on Molly’s face as she’d fled the scene yesterday resonated with her. Terrified. That was the best way to categorize it. She thought of the scenario from Molly’s perspective, having already lost so much in her life, and understood her freak out. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t hurt by it, by the way she walked out of the clinic.
On her.
There was really only one thing left to do. She pulled the suitcase from beneath her bed and started to pack.
*
She’d overreacted with Jordan.
Molly knew that now. It had taken her a good twenty-four hours to come down from the emotional rollercoaster the day had her on, but in that time, she’d gained perspective on a few things.
And while it took her a couple of days to figure that out, she knew that now. She’d been so caught off guard by the possibility of something happening to Jordan that it took her right back to that horrific time in her life, and she’d fled the scene in response. It was a defense mechanism and one she wasn’t exactly proud of.
In the wake of their fight, she’d pulled herself back emotionally. She’d spent the last couple of days going through the motions of her day-to-day life and feeling incredibly hollow in the process. It was time to fix what had gone wrong and navigate the very dicey waters that may still be ahead.
While she didn’t exactly know how, she had to find a way to make it right with Jordan.
She rang the bell and waited nervously on the front porch of the Tuscana house. Her heart sank at the realization that Jordan’s Beetle wasn’t in the driveway. It was possible she’d already left for Chicago and she was too late. She hoped that wasn’t the case.
Amalia beamed upon opening the door. “Well, this is a nice surprise!” She kissed Molly’s cheek. “You look tired, sweetheart. Is everything okay? How’s your father? Is he doing all right on the Atacand I prescribed?”
The succession of concerned questions was really nothing new. Amalia and Joseph made a habit out of worrying about their family, and she was grateful to be included. “We’re both fine. He seems to be adjusting to the new medication well. Thank you for taking such good care of him. Is, um, Jordan home by chance?”
Amalia sighed. “She said good-bye twenty minutes ago and headed out. She said something about taking some time to clear her head before getting on the road to Chicago. She seemed to have some things on her mind, but didn’t bother to tell me about them. I feel like I have to be a mind reader with my own daughter.”
“I’m sure she wants to. It’s hard for her sometimes. She doesn’t want to upset you.”
“I’d rather she upset me than shut me out.”
She decided to go out on a limb. “Does she know that?”
“Of course she knows that. She’s my child.” But Molly knew it was something Jordan needed to hear.
“Maybe she could use reminding?”
Amalia nodded in a rare moment of concession. “Maybe so. Do you want to come in? I have a roast that should be ready in a half hour. Stay for dinner.” Molly’s stomach raised its hand in wholehearted acceptance, but her heart was elsewhere.
“I wish I could, but I’m afraid I have some things I need to get done.” Molly offered a wave as she descended the porch steps.
“Molly, wait,” Amalia called after her. She descended the steps and placed her hand on Molly’s forearm. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. A couple of weeks ago, when you told me you were ready to date again, I…” she paused to gather her thoughts. “I reacted badly. I guess I just wasn’t prepared for those words, which is silly because it’s been over four years.” Her expression clouded with what Molly could only guess was residual pain. The kind that never did go away no matter what the grief counselors promised. “I want you to find happiness again, Molly. That’s what both Joseph and I hope for. I guess I just need you to know that we support you. You will always be a member of this family.”
It was everything. Molly covered Amalia’s hand and met her eyes in gratitude. “Thank you for telling me that.” She headed to her car. “Did Jordan say where she was headed before Chicago, by chance?”
Amalia shrugged her shoulders. “Only that she needed to be alone.”
That’s when it clicked. “Thanks, Amalia. I’ll see you soon to finalize the menu for Joseph’s birthday party.” She didn’t so much as wait for an answer.
Five minutes later, she parked her car and made her way to the soccer field. Dusk was hanging on, and the temperature was dropping. She fleetingly wished she’d brought a light jacket with her, but the thought faded to the background when she saw Jordan’s silhouette. Her stomach clenched and her chest warmed, and for a moment, Molly just had to stare at her.
She was midfield and her hair, which was pulled away from her face in a clip, blew lightly in the breeze as the yellow turned to pink in the sky above. There was a bandage across the corner of her forehead and she felt guilty at just the sight. When Molly finally sat in the grass next to her, Jordan turned and studied her, before looking back out over the green grass and waning sky.
Okay, so Jordan didn’t look overly excited to see her, but she didn’t exactly glare at her either. If anything, Jordan’s eyes seemed pensive, almost sad. Understanding the need for solitude and enjoying the quiet herself, Molly chose not to say anything just yet. Instead, she reached for Jordan’s hand and pulled it into her lap. It felt really good, the warmth of Jordan’s hand in hers as they watched the sky. Actually, just being near her made the stress of the last two days start to slide away. There was something to that, she noted to herself. Being close to Jordan seemed to be an antidote to just about everything these days.
And then finally, when the very last of the light began to make its dip, she squeezed Jordan’s hand. “I’m sorry.” Jordan turned her face, and it was all Molly could do not to touch her cheek. But somehow she didn’t feel like she had permission for that. There was something guarded about the way Jordan looked at her, like she could do real damage. And she knew it was true. They were dangerous together, the pair of them.
Somehow, it didn’t deter her from what she was beginning to understand.
“I need to apologize too. I shouldn’t have forced the Cassie issue. It was insensitive.” Jordan said.
“I shouldn’t have kicked you out.”
Jordan played with the grass. “No, you shouldn’t have. But you did what you needed at the time. I get that.”
It was the politically correct answer, but she needed more. She needed Jordan , and that meant total and complete honesty between them. It wasn’t going to be easy.
“Cassie and I didn’t have a perfect relationship. We were normal people who fought over normal things like her work schedule conflicting with our plans. Or my tendency to be overly sensitive and resistant to change. I hated that she gave in to your parents and their every whim. But she was mine and I was hers and we had a good life.”
Jordan looked at her, listening.
“And you’re right. She’s been gone four years now and she’s still a big part of my life. I don’t have the magic solution to make you okay with that. But I also don’t know how to just
let go of who I am because I’ve discovered feelings for someone new. Does that mean this other part of me doesn’t exist anymore? That the first part of my life is null and void? And that leaves us in a difficult spot.”
Jordan nodded and stared at the field. Molly would have given anything to know what she was thinking. But there was more to say.
“I do know one thing. When I thought that something had happened to you yesterday, my world felt like it had been torn wide open. And while I flashed back to the time I lost Cassie, it was losing you that panicked me yesterday. Yesterday was about you. And if I could do it over again, I wouldn’t have left you at the clinic. I’d have been there for you.”
Jordan turned to her then, and threaded her fingers through Molly’s.
And she knew Jordan understood.
“Thank you for telling me that. I know it’s not easy.”
Molly nodded.
“You’re not alone though,” Jordan said. “I miss her too. I got so caught up with my life, my job. I didn’t take advantage of those last few years that she was here. Now, I feel like I threw away the last bit of time I had left with my best friend. And I hate myself for it and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.” Her eyes filled with tears and Molly’s heart broke at the sight.
Molly scooted in closer. “Hey, hey. Stop. You can’t think like that. If you carry that kind of guilt around, it will break you, Jordan. And you are too good a person for that.” She then did what she’d wanted to do since she sat down. She leaned over, cradled Jordan’s face in her hands, and looked her straight in the eye.
Jordan nodded silently as tears streamed down her face. With her thumbs, Molly brushed them away before wrapping her arms around Jordan from the side and holding on, her chin nestled on Jordan’s shoulder. They sat there in silence for a long time as Jordan regained her composure.
Finally, Molly broke the silence. “Have you noticed the number eight popping up an extra lot?”
“Cassie’s stupid Magic Eight Ball. I say that now, but I was so jealous of that thing.” Despite the emotion, there was a tiny grin on Jordan’s face at the memory.
“I remember. Well, I think eights are her way of checking in on us. Saying hey.”
Jordan nodded. “Yeah. Maybe it’s selective perception, but I have noticed it.”
“See? She’s still with you, Jordan.”
“Maybe you’re right.” She wiped the rest of her tears away as they watched the edge of the pink sky slip away. “I’m not generally a crier.”
“I know. We’ve met, remember?”
“Right. That whole known-you-all-my-life thing.”
“In surprising news, there seems to be lots more to discover. I like that.”
Jordan turned her face to Molly’s. “Me too. I like discovering you.” Her voice carried sincerity, and Molly found her incredibly attractive in this moment. Jordan’s eyes dipped to her mouth, and she felt her stomach do that flutter that Jordan often set in motion.
“We should probably kiss or something. You know, to make up officially.”
Jordan moved in slowly. “Yeah? I do think it’s kind of a rule.”
“Can’t be breaking rules,” Molly murmured before she descended on Jordan’s mouth. And there was no arguing that it was a pretty awesome kiss. She sank into it, feeling it in her center and cascading downward, that wonderful flood of feeling Jordan always left her with. She moved closer, her hands running up the back of Jordan’s neck, into her hair. Jordan’s hands held her waist and pulled her gently onto her lap, where the wonderful, socks knocking kissing continued. They were alone under the great big sky, and though she didn’t have answers to the important questions, Molly knew the connection between them was more than enough in this moment.
Before the spark between them caught fire right there on the soccer field, Molly made a point to slow their pace before pulling her mouth away entirely. It had been one hell of a good make out session and she was breathless as a result.
She turned in Jordan’s arms and nestled her back against her, facing the soccer field. Jordan held her snugly from behind. “So all in all, it was a pretty good first date, right?” Jordan asked.
Molly laughed. “Well, yeah. I mean, objectively. In fact, I don’t know how we’re going to top it.”
“I could kick you out next time. It could be our thing.”
“I like it. Creative.”
“I have many more ideas we could test out.” Jordan placed a kiss just below her earlobe, sending a shiver right through her.
She covered Jordan’s arms with hers and hugged them to her. “I’m almost afraid to ask, but do you have to leave tonight?”
“I do.”
The wind fell from her sails a bit. It wasn’t great news. “I was hoping you’d decided to put it off. Stick around a little. Soak up small town life.”
“Trust me, I wish I could. And right about now, I’d give anything to stay right here and explore small town life with you , but George scheduled a meeting with Emory Owen tomorrow morning, the potential investor I was telling you about. I’ve put my life on hold these past few weeks. I’m afraid if I don’t take this leap now, I’ll miss my chance.”
It made sense. “Then you should go.”
“I’ll come back. Or you can come to Chicago. You may like Chicago.”
Molly turned in Jordan’s arms and wrapped her arms around her neck. “I can’t wait to come to Chicago.”
“You know.” Jordan stared skyward. “I don’t actually have to hit the road for an hour or two.”
“Whoa. That’s a lot of time,” Molly said seriously.
“A proverbial lifetime.”
“Suggestions?”
“Xbox Live?”
Molly laughed. “Could be fun. I’m pretty good.”
Jordan held up a hand. “Wait. Something has occurred to me. Technically, this isn’t our first date anymore. We’re past the first date mark which opens up…other exciting options.”
Molly grinned mischievously and kissed Jordan. “Do you want to drive or should I?”
*
It was one thirty-three in the morning when Jordan finally acknowledged the clock. She’d thus far pretended it didn’t exist and let herself get lost in Molly. The warm feel of her skin, the amazing scent of her shampoo, it was right where she wanted to be.
They’d lost their clothes fairly quickly after arriving back at Molly’s house and spent the evening in tantalizing exploration of each other. What began hot and fast had ended slow and sensual in just about the best mixture she could have imagined.
But it hadn’t ended there. They’d talked for a long time afterward, which made it that much better. And while it was true that they’d avoided the difficult topics, Jordan’s family, their future together, and Cassie, they’d found plenty of other interesting subjects to cover.
Molly looked down at Jordan, her head propped up on her hand as she traced lazy circles across the plane of her stomach. “So if you were stranded on a desert island, what would you do with your time?”
“Perfect the great American cartwheel. No question. You?”
“Wow. You didn’t even have to think about that one. Um, I might try the cartwheel thing for a while, but I’d probably spend time creating recipes from the naturally occurring foods there.”
“Well, then I win.”
Molly’s mouth fell open in equal parts shock and offense. “How do you figure? My thing is practical and serves a purpose. Your cartwheel, while festive, won’t keep you alive.”
“But think how impressed they’ll be when they find me. They’ll make me mayor of cartwheels. They’ll give me the key to Cartwheel City. You can visit.”
Molly shook her head in bewilderment and rolled on top, beginning to tickle Jordan mercilessly in a move that had her squirming and laughing to escape the assault. But in good news, Jordan was stronger and eventually won out, reversing their positions. She captured Molly’s wrists and held her down while she now wiggled and laughed be
neath.
“Say I’m the mayor of Cartwheel City.”
Molly’s eyes danced. “You are so eccentric, it’s scary.”
“I’m charming. Say it.”
She softened. “You, incredibly beautiful person, are the mayor of Cartwheel City.”
She released Molly’s wrists and rolled to her side. “Aww. I like the way you said it. It was really nice.”
Molly slid against her in a move that had her breath hitching. She lifted Jordan’s chin with one finger and met her gaze softly. “I can be nice sometimes.”
“I love it when you’re nice.” And then there was her mouth. God, that mouth. She kissed it leisurely until finally, Molly curled into Jordan like she belonged there. And it felt like she did.
Jordan fought sleep, wanting to savor each moment until she had to get on the road. Technically, she could stay the night and drive in the early morning hours to still make her meeting, but she was practical minded enough to know she wouldn’t be at her best then. But as they lay with their limbs tangled, Molly’s face tucked into her neck, she seriously considered blowing off the whole meeting altogether. It was worth it. This.
Molly must have sensed her reluctance and whispered against her neck. “You have to go, don’t you?”
She kissed her temple. “Probably.”
Molly pushed herself up, looking adorably concerned. “Do you think you can stay awake for the drive? Let me make you some coffee.”
She sat up across from Molly. “I won’t need it. I think you’ve given me a lot to think about. Reflect on. Relive.” She raised an eyebrow in seductive punctuation.
“Good.” Molly leaned in and brushed her lips in a feather light kiss. “Was kinda the goal. Now let’s get you on the road to cinematic history before I change my mind about giving you up.”
Jordan dressed silently and Molly slipped into a robe. As they said good-bye in the doorway of Molly’s house, Jordan felt the lump form in her throat. She’d be back in just two weeks for her father’s birthday, but that seemed like an eternity. She didn’t want to leave Molly. And how ironic was that? She was the girl who always hoped the women she was with wouldn’t get attached, and here she’d gone and done just that. More than that even, because she wasn’t just attached, she was in deep.
How Sweet It Is Page 21