“WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?”
He didn’t smile, he didn’t look at me, he didn’t raise his voice. He seemed perfectly at ease. I had to repeat myself.
“Are you listening, motherfucker? Where the fuck were you?”
“Drinking a beer.”
He was pushing my wheel chair by now, and I almost turned and jumped at his neck.
“Drinking a fucking beer!? What are you, a moron!? I could have broken something!!”
“Did you?”
“Fuck you!”
“What do you want me to do? Cry?”
“FUCK YOU!”
We were going through the corridors, by now, and everyone was seeing me losing it while Erbay just kept cool. I wanted to jump from the wheel chair and hit him, but I swear he wouldn’t let me. He was just able to steer the chair in such a way I couldn’t jump without hurting myself.
“You’re a fucking son of a bitch, you know that?”
“Well, yeah.” He answered. “But my mother loved me, and that’s what counts.”
I didn’t know what to say after that, so I shut up until we got to my bed. He tried to help me lay down, but I pushed him back.
“Fuck you!”
Finally, I pulled the sheets over my legs, and he folded the wheel chair. He looked me in the eyes and said:
“Why don’t you take it easy, from now on?”
“Fuck you.”
But as he walked away I was left with that thought in my mind. I thought about it all day and all night. When I woke up the next morning, I had seen his point. I was being silly. I was trying to convince myself and others that I wouldn’t care if I got hurt, but that was obviously false. “Fuck him, he took away my punishment,” I thought. But even that was idiotic. It seemed there was a limit to the punishment I was ready for. And that was that.
The realization created a void in me. Suddenly, I didn’t really know what I wanted, what to strive for. But I started taking it easy, and my physiotherapy sessions got shorter and smoother. Even with Erbay. Soon, I was walking with a cane.
*
One morning, Erbay came by with the wheel chair.
“Come.” He said.
“Where?”
“We’re going for a walk.”
“Don’t feel like it.”
He pulled the sheets from me before I could grab them.
“Don’t care.”
He started pulling me to the chair, but I resisted. He was strong, so I pushed my fingers into a special point in his arm, as my father had taught me. He didn’t even flinch. It seems I still didn’t have all my strength back…
“Not in the mood, Byl.” He warned me. I gave up and slid onto the chair.
“Where the fuck are we going?”
He pushed me through the ward.
“Been in the garden?”
“No.”
“You’ll like it.”
“What do I care about a fucking garden?”
“What do I care if you care?”
“Fuck you.”
And that was that. We shut up, and he pushed me to the garden.
The garden was a beautiful place, to be honest. The Nytar moon does not have an atmosphere, so everything is indoors. The garden is a big transparent dome that enables us not only to rest within a luxuriant green garden with all kinds of plants but also look into Space and even, like at that very time, see the beauty of Webbur expanding in the sky. I was breathless.
This was the first time I came into the garden, but I would come here many times before I left the hospital. Little by little, I came back to my routine of meditating while looking into space. And I have to say that happened because Erbay brought me there on that day.
The garden was not the last of my surprises, that day, though.
Erbay was pushing me around the compacted dirt paths between the green bushes, and I could hear water running in a fountain. I was baffled, and we didn’t speak. Then he made a turn. There was a nice little spot ahead, green grass, a table, peace. Next to the table was an old man in another wheel chair. He had a curved thin but large body, white hair, a stern face, bushy eyebrows, hospital robe and half of a big cigar between his fingers. He pushed the smoke into the high. Erbay took me to the table, beside the old man, he locked in the chair and left. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, for a moment. That son of a bitch of a nurse was turning me around – fuck him. I had to accept I was enjoying the garden. I even enjoyed the sweet scent of the cigar.
Then the old man, still not looking at me, asked:
“You’re Byl Iddo?”
I looked at him. He was Navy, of course. And the cigar told me he was high rank: smoking was strictly forbidden on the hospital grounds.
“Yes, sir.”
His deep gray eyes finally plunged into mine.
“I’m Vincenz Cavo.”
*
Admiral Vincenz Cavo was a legend. He had commanded the three major fleets of Webbur at one time or another and even led the 2nd Fleet to victory in the Pirate Wars. Books had been written about him. Ham Banks, the big movie star, had played him in the award winning motion picture. Still, it took me a few seconds to recognize him from the photographs. He was thinner and more fatigued than seemed possible. His eyes were still sharp and powerful, and the mark of a great man was still visible in his posture and stature. But now he was an old man. Tired and retired.
“I’m honored, sir. I served with your daughter.”
“I know, boy. I recommended you.”
I remembered. I remembered Mira telling me. I remembered everything about Mira.
“She was the best Captain I ever had.”
“What do you mean by ‘had’?”
I swallowed hard. That was Vincenz Cavo: a sharp-as-a-razor mind always eager to cut you down. He kept his eyes on the distant stars.
“Well… I mean she was my best Captain ever.”
“Were you going to make an honest woman out of her?”
I almost jumped in my chair.
“That’s none of your busin…”
I stopped speaking. That was what Mirany would have answered. Stick it to her dad. But I felt something different. I felt the need to share. Share the pain, share the loss. And I was actually facing the only person I could do that with. So I said, with all honesty: “Yes, sir. I probably was.”
He sighed.
“You’re a Navy officer. You should have known better.”
I looked down at the grass.
“Yes, sir, I should. But she was special.”
We didn’t say a thing for a few minutes. We just listened to the water fountain playing in the garden, and the distant humming of the air conditioner and the generators.
“The Harvy, sir,” I said. ”Were there any survivors?”
“You were there, I wasn’t. You tell me.”
I recalled those excruciating moments.
“I saw it explode on the screen. But then I… Then I exploded.”
He expelled more smoke into the air.
“She’s dead, Byl. Don’t hold on to it. There were no survivors.”
By ‘it’ he meant ‘hope.’ And I felt it escaping, leaving me hollow. The Admiral rested his tired arms on the chair’s, his cigar almost finished at the end of his fingers. His head sunk a little inside his shoulders, his eyes searching vaguely the black horizon. He sighed again.
“A reporter once asked me to explain my years, to compare my years: war on one side and my life in peace, with my family, on the other.”
The Admiral looked at his hands, as if he held an invisible globe in each.
“Prick. There is no difference. There was no peace, no war, no family. They were all the same thing. I loved the Navy, I was dedicated to it, obsessed by it, fascinated by it. Peace? War? Family? These were circumstances that happened, eventualities that punctuated my long sick love affair with the Navy.”
I looked at him. There was a strange energy coming from his voice. Deep. Strong.
�
��I lost friends.” He continued. “Comrades. Closer to me than brothers. I lost them out there, in the Dark Sea. No glory. None. Glory is for others, for the naïve, the ignorant, the politicians, the poets. No glory. Just that shit we know is up there. That void. That sickening void. You know what I mean, don’t you, Lieutenant?”
“Yes, sir. I do.”
“It’s stupid to say that it was a surprise to lose my daughter. I knew she was out there. I knew what it meant. I knew what she was getting into. But still, it was a surprise. The consequences were a surprise. What I felt… What I lost…”
My heart was pumping inside my chest. His pain was so real… So real… As real as mine. As real as something that was creeping up inside me. A black tide rising from the depths.
And then the Admiral said:
“But I still love the Navy, heavens help me.”
And my voice came out, saying:
“Me too…”
I closed my eyes and lowered my head. And I heard him again, after puffing the cigar:
“Just two sick, sad fuckers, aren’t we, Mr.Iddo?”
“Yes, sir.”
And I cried. Tears came flowing. I tried to sob silently, not to moan, not to sniff. I did my best. But I cried. For several minutes that was all that happened. I had my eyes closed, and my hands on my face and my mind sinking in a black tide, trying desperately to swim.
I cried. There. Beside him. And then I stopped. My hands fell into my lap. And for a few minutes, we were there, just listening to the water, the AC, the generators. Just breathing,and remembering. I closed my eyes again, feeling my face wet and cold.
I finally heard a ‘blip’ from an intercom. The one he had on the lapel of his robe. And when I opened my eyes, Erbay was approaching. He unlocked the Admiral’s chair and turned it to take him away. Cavo threw the cigar into the bushes with a push from a finger and looked at me.
“See you tomorrow, lieutenant.”
“Yes, sir,” I replied. “Certainly, sir.”
*
The next day, Erbay came and took me to the garden again. To the table on the grass, where Cavo was expecting me.
“Thanks, Kary.” He said to Erbay, as the nurse walked away. I noticed then there was a special relationship between them. Not really sure what kind.
“Sleep well?” Asked the Admiral.
“Yes, sir. Thank you.” I had. Actually, I hadn’t slept as well as that night for weeks. Since I had been sedated.
“Good. You need your rest.”
He picked up a cigar from his pajama’s pocket and lit it. I looked at him.
“Why are you here, sir?”
He smiled.
“Liver. Will die eventually. God knows when. But until then I have to get regular treatments. A week or so every few months.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Bah… Something will get you sooner or later. So it’s the liver. Could be worst.”
“Like what?”
He raised his eyebrows.
“I don’t know. Fuck… The head, I guess.”
I looked at the grass.
“How did you know Mirany and I were involved?”
He expelled smoke.
“Are you serious? Do you think I wouldn’t keep an eye out for my little girl?”
“We were discrete.”
He giggled.
“Like elephants. But don’t worry about it. The Navy doesn’t know. She doesn’t know what she doesn’t want to know.”
I looked up. The Brury moon was rising on the other side of Webbur, its pearly white color striking against the black scenery.
“That lady is a beauty.” He said, looking at it as well. I sighed and nodded.
“They gave me medals,” I said.
“Take them.” He answered.
“You don’t understand. What happened is… I disobeyed orders. People died because of me. A frigate was ‘sunk.’ Thousands of people.”
“Bullshit.” He paused. He took the smoke in and out. “Want to know what happened that day? Two convoys were hit. Two convoys hit on the same day by several Silent Boats at the same time. They call it ‘shark attacks.’ It’s their new M.O. So, two convoys, one of them lost 18 ships, the other lost 5. Guess which one was yours.”
My mouth was wide open from the surprise.
“18?”
“The average is 16.5 ships lost per convoy since it began. It’s a mess. No convoy suffered a ‘shark attack’ and lost less than 10 ships. Except HC14. If you ask me, you deserve those medals. So put your mind at ease, boy, and forget about it. They look good on the uniform anyhow.”
I looked down.
“Captain Saltz, sir?”
“What?”
“I expect they must have talked to Captain Saltz, the convoy’s C.O., over this, sir. He wouldn’t have been too happy that I…”
“Oh, shut up, lieutenant!” He was losing his patience. “Saltz is a bit rigid and slow to react, but he is sound. Who do you think suggested you for the medals in the first place?”
“He…?”
“Just forget about it. Swallow the medals and leave it be. Is that so hard?”
“No, sir.”
“There, then. For fuck’s sake…”
And we were a few more minutes in silence. Looking at the stars. Side by side.
“The war, sir?” I eventually asked.
“What about it?”
“How’s it going?”
“Not that great. The fortress moons of Torrance have been able to hold and keep Axx’s forces away, but they still are surviving thanks to our provisions, as long as they last. The 1st Vüurkorps has been sent to occupy Haitzia. Along with 18 million Stürm soldiers. Ambitious bastards, aren’t they?”
Hatzia is the big planet on the other side of the sun. Its position and orbit is completely symmetrical to Webbur’s, so the planet is never seen directly from our position. It is also rich in cereals and minerals, but it has a colder core, so about 30% of its surface is permanently frozen. It boasts numerous and tough even if unsophisticated military forces that are fanatics in their continuous attack tactics. But I wouldn’t envy their task. The 1st Fleet of Axx, the 1st Vüurkorps, was a solid unit and the Stürm troopers were some of the hardest and better-trained land and sea fighters in the system. And if Axx got hold of Haitzia, it would have an important source of supplies that would be very important to fight the rest of the war. Still, the fact that Axx was confident enough to attack Haitzia was scary on its own. After all, it was a distant planet, separated from Axx by the Eeron and the Mirox asteroid belts and the Dark Sea; invading it wasn’t a small feat.
“Torrance’s main fleet has been dispatched to intercept it, so it will be a hell of a battle.” The Admiral spat off a piece of leave the cigar had left on his tongue.
Torrance’s Great Royal Fleet had once been the mightiest fleet in the known Universe. She had become a lot smaller since then, and most of her ships were much older than they should be. Still, it was a very important asset, and the Battle of Haitzia would be one of the most critical of the war.
“A hell of a battle…” I mumbled.
“But that’s not the damn battle that worries me, lieutenant. Not at all. Believe me, that’s not the battle that’s going to decide the fate of this war.”
“What then, sir?”
He sniffed and moved his tongue around his teeth.
“The Dark Sea Battle. That’s the one. That’s the direst of them all. It scares the hell out of me.”
I looked directly at him. He wasn’t joking. He continued.
“If our convoys don’t hold, Torrance is done. They have at the most 3 to 4 months of provisions on their own. So convoys must continue. Still, at the rate we’re losing ships, we have an ability of perhaps 6 more months of maintained supply. And with the winter here, the route to Torrance is now lasting around 10 weeks so the convoys will be longer in the danger zone for the next few months. Our best hope is for the 2nd Fleet to get into the Dark Sea
and fight off the Silent Boats. The Fleet has been reinforced, and the SB’s have no chance against her now, I believe.”
“So, why doesn’t she? Why isn’t the 2nd Fleet entering the Dark Sea for the hunt?”
He expelled a cloud of smoke.
“Because that’s the trap. That’s what the Addmiralis is expecting we do. The 2nd Vüurkorps has been upgraded with serious fire power and is waiting for the 2nd Fleet there, on the edge of the Dark Sea. Two new 1st-tier warships, the Assauer and the Serdal Kuo, have joined the enemy fleet, and they are a whole lot of trouble. And even if we are able to defeat them all, which I believe we are, a wounded 2nd Fleet would be easy prey for the Styllemarinne. The Silent’s shark attacks are very deadly to wounded ships, even for big beasts like ours, as you might imagine. Especially if the Vüurkorps is able to damage many or most of our destroyers and frigates. No. The 2nd Fleet needs to wait.”
“But wait for what, sir?”
He looked at me. His gaze reminded me of some kind of predator.
“For an edge, lieutenant. For an edge.”
“An edge, sir?”
“Yes. We need to find an edge against the Silent. Against the sharks. Then, the 2nd Fleet can go into the Dark Sea.”
I didn’t know which kind of edge he thought we could get against the Silent. Still, there was something else that was intriguing me even more.
“How do you know all this, sir? I thought you were retired.”
He smiled.
“No one can be retired in a war like this. No. They still have some use for me.”
“But much of what you’re telling me is surely classified, sir. How is it you are telling it to me?”
He smiled some more and pressed the button on his intercom.
“Because you’ll need to know, lieutenant. Because you’ll need to know.”
What the hell was he talking about? At that moment, Erbay came out of the bushes to pick up the Admiral. The old man winked at me as he was being pushed away.
“Let’s speak some more in a few days, shall we, lieutenant?”
“Yes, sir.”
And the son of a bitch left me there completely baffled.
*
At this time, I was surprised that they hadn’t discharged me already. All the health indicators were coming up to normal, and I could almost walk without a cane, just limping a little bit. When I asked, they told me to wait a few more days. Until eventually I wrote a letter. But never got an answer.
Fighting the Silent Page 12