by Wild, Nikki
“Jesse,” I whispered, my voice ragged and raw, my body possessed by his touch. His hand squeezed my hip as he continued pulling every ounce of life from my body. His hair caressed the inside of my thighs and I wrapped them around him tighter. I wanted more of him. I wanted all of him. His mouth was so perfect, so fucking deliciously amazing…but I wanted more. I needed him.
“Baby, please,” I whimpered, lifting my hips to him. He raised his head, his blue eyes piercing mine, that slow grin spreading across his face as he moved up my body. His body was hard, chiseled, his cock throbbing beautifully between his legs, landing on my sex as a low moan escaped my lips.
He slid against me, teasing, up and down, so slowly, his hips moving on top of me, dragging himself across my throbbing, waiting center.
My eyes crashed into his as I realized he was teasing me. I shook my head in protest.
“Don’t…” I said. “Please…”
He kissed me, so softly, so gently, that I thought I would die of the need for more. I couldn’t handle soft and gentle anymore. I wanted more than that. I wanted him to touch me like the starved woman that I was. I wanted all of him. As much of him as he could give me.
He pulled back, his beautiful blue eyes shining with lust, peering deeply into mine. I knew what he saw when he looked at me, and for once, I didn’t care. Let him see how hungry I was. Let him see how much I wanted him. Let him see how needy I was.
He was the only person who could give me what I needed. My hands reached up, running over his wide, muscular chest, trailing over his huge shoulders and sliding down his arms. I shook my head, amazed at the perfection in my hands.
“What do you want, Maisey. Tell me,” he kissed my neck, his mouth inches from my ear as he teased me. “You know I love to hear you say it. Please, Maisey.”
I moaned, arching my back and pressing up to him.
“Fuck me, Jesse,” I cried, pushing my hips towards him. “I need it. I need you. Please, oh god, please…”
He groaned into my neck, a deep, guttural low groan that vibrated through me as he lifted his hips slightly and slid inside me. I shuddered in ecstasy, a surge of electricity shooting through my limbs. I wrapped myself around him as he moved against me, our hips dancing together as he slid in and out of my wet center.
His mouth found mine, silencing my cries as he kissed me so deeply, so sweetly. It was pure magic and the only thought I was able to form was that I never, ever wanted it to end.
And it almost didn’t.
* * *
Hours and hours later, drifting in between that sublime state that isn’t quite awake and isn’t quite asleep, our bodies spent and buzzing from the delicious overdose of sensation that only uninhibited lust can create - I couldn’t help but think how right it felt to be wrapped in Jesse’s arms.
He felt like home.
A home I’d never known, really. He reminded me of a past that I’d spent so long trying to forget, I’d forgotten there were parts of it that I’d been fond of. Jesse had been one of those things. In fact, before I left he’d been the most important of all.
My fingers trailed along his chest as I thought about him, about his heart.
The insane fact that he had given me a car was slowly coming back into my consciousness, and I wasn’t sure how to handle that. We’d gone on a short drive and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fall in love with it. After a few days of taking buses and taxis to work and Maddy’s school and the grocery store and everywhere else, it was beginning to take a toll on me, in more ways than one.
I told myself I’d only use it for short time and then give it back once I was able to get my Honda fixed in a month or so. I thanked Jesse, and we continued on our wonderful night, catching up and talking about old classmates and places around Ault that we’d haunted in our youth. It seemed like so long ago. I’d kept those memories in the dark for a long time; bringing them to life was like opening an old chest in my head. It wasn’t so bad, though.
Jesse had a way of looking at things through rose-colored glasses. He saw things in simpler ways, and his memory lane was a lot more joyful than mine was.
He was so generous, so sweet to me. And it went against everything I’d believed about him. It almost made me forget why I’d left.
Almost, but just for a second.
I’d never forget. How could I?
I’d wondered for so long how things would have turned out, if only we hadn’t had that one conversation. If only he hadn’t said those words, maybe I wouldn’t have run away.
Run away.
That’s what I’d definitely done. I couldn’t lie about it, or pretend I was running towards anything. I had nothing to run towards.
I was running away from Ault. I was running away from Jesse. I was running away from the sheer terror of what would happen if I stayed.
Yeah, it was a snap decision. But it was all because of what Jesse had said to me.
It was the week before we’d had sex. An innocent conversation between two young kids. But it had shaped the entire course of my life….
“You think you might ever want kids?” I asked.
“Me?” he said, wrinkling his tanned nose, causing little white lines to form in the creases. “Never!”
“Never?” I asked. “Why not?”
“Because once you have a kid, your life is over,” he said, shaking his head. “My parents waited till I was in my teens to have another kid. And I’ve watched my folks basically put their lives on hold for both of us. We’re so spread out in age, they’ll be taking care of us for over thirty years. They’re giving up all these amazing adventures they could be having - careers, pursuing hobbies, dreams… All of it. Gone.”
“I’m not ready for kids either… But maybe someday,” I replied, shaking my head.
“Someday, I guess. It’s not like I hate kids… I love my sister. She’s amazing. I just have a lot of things I want to do, you know? I’m going pro, Maisey. I don’t want anything getting in the way of that. I don’t have time for a kid.”
“I know,” I said, smiling over at him. “Maybe we should get to work on studying for this test so you can graduate first?”
“If we have to,” he said, staring into my eyes and causing my stomach to flip upside down. He always sat so close to me, looked at me so intently, had the most passionate conversations with me, I didn’t know what to do with him. His attention was unnerving, but it felt like the best thing in the whole world and I couldn’t help but want more of it.
And yeah, more is exactly what I got… A few days later we had sex. Not too long after that we were supposed to go to prom together. This was our night. An adventure just like Jesse said he wanted… Right up until I took a damn pregnancy test.
Telling him I was pregnant was out of the question. There was no way I could - not after that conversation. I couldn’t bring myself to dash all of his dreams. I knew how he felt. I knew how he would react. I knew he would be devastated, even if he played pretend… And most of all, I knew he was right. Having a baby would have changed everything for both of us, no matter how much we tried to make things work.
Jesse had so much potential to be great. It was obvious to everyone, even back then. Who was I to get in the way of that?
And me? I just wanted to run away from every problem I’d ever had.
A child would be challenging, but it wouldn’t ruin me. I could handle it, and even if I didn’t exactly know how I planned on handling things, I knew I would figure it out.
And I did. Maddy and I were doing just fine.
I’d thought a million times what things would have been like if I’d told Jesse the truth. For the first few years, I’d been plagued by self-doubt, especially when things got hard. I’d see Jesse on the news, or read about him in the newspaper… I’d see how high he was soaring and wish I could tell him how proud I was. He was accomplishing everything he said he would. I wanted to pick up the phone and tell him everything…
But I couldn’t do it.
What if he rejected us? What if he thought I’d betrayed him? He’d never understand the stress I was put under living in that house with my foster father. He’d never forgive me for being a naive young woman who made some rash decisions.
So I kept my secret. After a while, I stopped keeping track of Jesse altogether. I took care of Maddy and life went on, just as it always did. My life with Maddy was beautiful, but there’d never really been nights like this.
Tonight had been the stuff of dreams.
Luxuriously languishing in his arms, I felt on top of the world, like nothing could knock me down.
Something about being with Jesse made me feel strong.
And I was going to need a lot of strength if I intended to peel myself away from him and go back to my life. But Maddy was waiting for me, and I was pretty sure Eddie wanted to go home at some point, even though he’d told me not to worry about a curfew.
“I should go,” I whispered. “It’s getting late.”
Jesse was half-asleep, but he heard me. He pulled me closer and nodded sleepily.
“You have to go home?” he murmured. “To your daughter?”
My blood ran cold at his words. I’d never told him I had a daughter. I left that fact very deliberately out of our conversations…
“How did you know I have a daughter?” I asked, my heart racing in my chest.
“Someone at the clinic mentioned it, I think,” he said, shrugging.
“Oh,” I whispered. I was thankful for the darkness, because if he saw my face, it would have given everything away. “Yes.”
“Ok Maise… Can you let yourself out?” he asked. “My knee is shot after all this therapy,” he said with a little laugh.
“I think I can brave the elevator alone,” I said, doing my best to mask my emotions. I reached over and kissed him, and he drifted off back to sleep. Slowly, I untangled myself from his body and pulled myself from the comfort of his bed. I stood up and looked back down at him, wondering what he would think if he knew my secret, if he knew the truth.
He’d never forgive me…
I knew this deep in my heart, and that’s what kept me silent.
* * *
I drove home in a daze. And with a fucking huge red bow on top of the car. I’d tried to get it off, but I couldn’t do it by myself. When I got home, it was past midnight and I tried to pull into the driveway quietly. I didn’t want to wake Maddy. I couldn’t face her right now.
Guilt had gripped me on the way home. Not only was I starting to feel crushing guilt because of not telling Jesse the truth, but I was starting to realize how much I’d hurt Maddy in the process. I’d simply told her that her father wasn’t around, that he lived a separate life in a different place. She’d asked questions, and they’d gotten more detailed as she’d gotten older, but it wasn’t difficult to dodge them. As long as I stayed vague, I wasn’t lying.
I just wasn’t implicating myself in the process.
Somehow, things felt different now. I’d always told myself I’d done the right thing because I’d given Maddy a good life and I’d given Jesse a chance at fulfilling his dreams. And, because of Jesse’s thoughts on kids back then, I figured Maddy was better off without him in her life, if she wasn’t wanted.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, my entire view on the subject changed. I didn’t want kids then, it was way, way too early, but I wasn’t about to do anything to change things. And once I heard her heartbeat, and saw her little skeleton on the sonogram screen, everything told me I was doing the right thing.
By the time I held her in my arms, the doubts were completely gone.
Jesse’s reputation had kept that thought in place, too. I’d heard about all the women, the lifestyle he led, full of wild parties and luxurious vacations. A kid didn’t fit into that.
It still didn’t.
That’s why I sat in the Volvo in the driveway crying my eyes out before I went inside.
My heart was full of love and dread, all at the same time. I’d fallen hard for Jesse, and I’d set up a perfect storm of lies and betrayal, so that even if he did think he wanted to be with me now, he’d hate me once he found out the truth.
I’d broken my own heart. And I was the one that had to pay for it.
By the time I’d gotten inside, my eyes were swollen and red, but thankfully Eddie was fast asleep on the couch, so I didn’t have to face him. Maddy was sleeping peacefully in her bed, too. I kissed her gently on the forehead and went to my room to sleep a few hours before I had to face the two of them in the morning.
I was thankful for the time I’d spent with Jesse, but I was glad to spend some much needed time alone, because my head was spinning with confusion. Happiness and love and guilt and shame and lust and desire and passion…I was a mess.
I was lost.
All I could do was hope that once I woke up, the magic that Jesse and I had stirred up tonight somehow found a way to make everything right.
JESSE
“No, bigger,” I said to the florist on the other end of the phone. “Look, just send everything you’ve got in your store over. Except for carnations, those remind me of funerals.”
“Everything in the store, sir?” the bewildered woman asked. “How much would you like to spend, sir? Five hundred dollars?”
“What? No! More like five thousand. I want her entire house filled floor to goddamned ceiling.”
“Five thousand?!” she exclaimed. “Yes, sir! I’ll get right on it, sir. What’s the address?”
I rattled off the address I’d gotten from Maria and gave her my credit card information.
“And the card, sir?” she asked. “What would you like the card to say?”
I thought about it for a moment, and then smiled to myself while I told her what I wanted the card to say before hanging up the phone.
Last night had been amazing with Maisey, and I’d woken up without her this morning feeling like a huge piece of me was missing.
I wanted her to know how much she meant to me, and this was the only one way I knew how to communicate that to her. Maybe it was a little overboard but I didn’t care. I wanted to see her face light up. I wanted to see her smile again. Seeing that smile had suddenly become the most important thing in my life.
I picked the phone back up and searched for another number. There was one more thing I wanted to send over to her.
She might kill me for it, but she’d have to come see me if she was going to do that, and I’d charm the smile back on her face if I had to.
MAISEY
“Mom, Mom! Get up! You’re not going to believe this!” Maddy pulled on my arm as she begged me to get out of bed. I groaned, blinking, trying to figure out what was going on.
“Maddy, what’s wrong?”
“It’s amazing, you have to see!” she jumped up and down happily in my bedroom. Bright morning sunshine poured into my bedroom, and I grumbled down the hall behind my daughter. Her hair was in knots, she was still wearing her pajamas, and she was barefoot. She’d never been more beautiful. And that smile on her face was rare, too. Whatever was making her so happy made me smile too.
“What is it? Are you going to tell me or do I have to — what the…?” My voice trailed off in disbelief. My entire living room and adjoining kitchen was filled with every kind of flower under the sun. Elaborate arrangements of sunflowers, roses, birds of paradise, daisies, dahlias, hydrangeas, even a few corpse lilies, which must have cost an amazing amount of money, were scattered everywhere.
Eddie stood in the middle of the sea of flowers, his eyes lit up in disbelief, a card in his hand.
“Maisey, can you believe this?” he exclaimed. “Do you know who sent these?”
“I have a feeling…” I said, my eyes trailing around the room in bewilderment. The front door was open and the Volvo still sat in the driveway, that red bow that was the size of a tiny home sitting on top of it.
“Did we get a new car?!” Maddy said, who had apparently just spo
tted the car for the first time.
“Shit,” I muttered, watching her go outside.
“Either you won a sweepstakes or somebody’s got it bad for you honey,” Eddie said, whistling under his breath. “Here,” he pushed the card towards me. “I’m dying to see what this says.”
I grabbed the card from his hand and opened it.
“Maise,
Here’s to making up for lost time. I can’t wait to see you again.
Love,
Jesse”
A slow smile spread across my face and my heart swelled with happiness. He was crazy. Absolutely, certifiably crazy.
So much for everything fixing itself, I thought. I put the card down and turned away from Eddie. I didn’t want him to see the pain in my eyes. This was supposed to be a happy thing. This was supposed to be easy. If this was any other man, I’d have been elated and mesmerized, enchanted and charmed, and maybe a little overwhelmed with how forward and insane he was… But it was all wrong. This wasn’t a good thing. This wasn’t something that was in the cards for me.
I was still paying for a mistake I’d made years ago, and there was no way to fix it.
Eddie snatched the card from the counter and read it aloud.
“Who’s Jesse?” he asked.
“Just someone I used to know,” I replied.
“Used to know? Looks like he wants to know you again. This is amazing,” he said, shaking his head and pulling a bright pink rose out of one of the vases and smelling it. “These are going home with me, by the way.”
“Take them all, I don’t care,” I sighed, watching Maddy play around in the car outside. “I’m sending it all back.”
“Like hell you are, girlfriend! These are too pretty to just be wasted. And that car? Girl, you need that car and you know it. I’m tired of carting your ass to the grocery store every time you need a cup of sugar!”
“I’ve never asked you to take me to the grocery store!” I protested.