by MJ Carnal
Her phone buzzed on the night stand. She looked at the screen and stared. Her heart pounded behind her rib cage. She smiled but her eyes filled with tears. The text from Steve was simple but it took her breath away. She glanced at Damien, still sound asleep. She was so torn.
The way I think about you when we aren’t together.
Lily waited for his response and smiled when it came.
Are we ok? I need you home with me. I can’t breathe when you aren’t here.
Tears fell from her eyes as she typed. We will always be ok. I just needed a minute. I’ll be home tomorrow.
I love you, Lil. Even if I’m not good for you, I will always love you.
Damien rolled over in bed and looked at Lily. Tears fell down her face and his heart broke. She was clutching her cell phone and without asking, he knew it was Steve. He knew he couldn’t compete with him. She loved him. She had been honest from the beginning, telling him how she felt and what Steve had said to make her give up. He didn’t want to be anyone’s second choice.
“My mom always told me that sometimes you have to do what’s right for you and your life and not what other people expect you to do.” Damien’s voice was full of sleep. “Watching you walk away from me will kill me, Lil. But you have to do what’s right for you.”
Lil covered her mouth, holding back the sob that was threatening to escape. Why wasn’t she hopelessly in love with him? He had the biggest heart of anyone she had ever known. “I don’t want to walk away from you.”
He pulled her down to his side and wrapped his arms around her. He breathed in her scent, his whole body remembering the way they fit together. “We need to slow down a little. You need to decide what’s really in your heart and I need to protect mine.”
She nodded and relaxed into him. “I don’t ever want to hurt you.”
“I know, Lil. Don’t worry about me. I’m here when you’re ready.” He kissed the top of her head and they fell back to sleep.
Steve looked at himself in the mirror one last time. He loved hosting the awards shows. Everyone who was anyone in the music business was there laughing and having fun together. He would get some great interviews after the show and the swag bags that they were given were full of the most amazing things. He also didn’t mind the $5,000 Brioni tuxedo that had been sent over for him to wear. He loved the way an expensive suit fit his physique. His broad shoulders looked more pronounced in a suit that hugged his muscles. This was the third year he had been involved in this event and this was, by far, his favorite wardrobe choice.
He had decided to take Jennifer as his date. After her heartbreak earlier in the week, he wanted her to feel special. The station had made sure they were color coordinated, sending over a pale yellow tie to match her yellow Vesace gown that left little to the imagination.
He held his hand out for Jennifer to take and led her down to the limo that was waiting for them. It had been a hell of a week for both of them and they needed a night out to forget about real life. As hosts of the show, they would arrive in the limo line and walk the red carpet like celebrities. His stomach dropped as the nerves took hold.
“You ok?” Jennifer smiled at him.
Steve looked out the window at all the paparazzi and laughed. “Just a little nervous. I’ll be fine once we’re inside.”
He groaned as limo in front of them opened and Damien stepped out. His black tux set off by a red tie. He held his hand out and helped Lily from the car. Steve’s jaw dropped. She was wearing a red dress that dipped low in the front. The entire dress was covered in black lace and when she turned, he could see her entire back was exposed. She was stunning. Butterflies took flight in his stomach and he could hardly breathe.
“Holy shit.” He whispered. He watched as Damien waved to the photographers. He answered questions and laughed. Lily was gorgeous. Her smile never left her face. Just before they went inside, Damien dipped her and placed a kiss on her neck. “I can’t let her go.”
He grabbed his phone and sent her a text before putting his phone inside his jacket. He smiled when he saw her pull her cell from her handbag and look around.
The way you make me forget how to breathe. You are stunning, Lily.
Chapter 12
“What’s up LA? My name’s Steve Wainwright and this is my gorgeous co-host Jennifer Smithson. We are the Wake up With Wainwright Crew and as luck would have it, your very unqualified hosts for tonight. We want to welcome you to the thirty second annual LA Music Awards. Sit back, drink up and enjoy the show. Ladies and Gentleman, this is Perfectly Damaged.”
As Kade Evans and the rest of Perfectly Damaged took the stage, Steve scanned the audience trying to get another glimpse of Lily. He spotted her in the third row, almost directly center. Damien and the rest of Liquid Regret were currently warming up backstage, which left Lily sitting all alone. She was captivated by the sounds of the opening number, her body relaxed and eyes wide. She had the power to make him forget how to breathe and feel at home all at the same time. His body instantly reacted and he took a few deep breaths. No one had ever affected him the way she did. Since a cold shower was not an option, he reluctantly turned away from her and back to the performance on stage.
Perfectly Damaged was one of Steve’s favorite bands. He had met their lead singer, Kade, on several occasions and loved having them in the studio. Their newest release, My Beautiful, was one of the most requested songs at the station. He thought about the lyrics and every word seemed perfect for his Lily. His? He shook his head. She wasn’t his. She now belonged to Damien and he had sent her running right into his arms.
As the song ended, Jennifer held Steve’s hand as they walked back out on stage. Steve looked directly at Lily as he started to speak. “Great job. That’s one of my favorite songs and reminds me of someone very special.”
Jennifer grabbed the microphone and laughed. “We have a very special surprise for you tonight. Their debut album hit shelves last week and has already hit the top of the charts. In just a few weeks, they’ll be hitting the road on a 36 city tour as the opening act for Ripping Pages. Ladies and Gentleman, let’s give it up for Liquid Regret.”
The audience was on their feet. Screams erupted around the auditorium. Dry ice began to rise from the floor, causing a layer of fog. A lone spotlight hit the stage, centered on the grand piano. Lily shivered noticing Damien sitting at the keys. The soft music started, filling the room with the most beautiful rendition of Without Novocain that she had ever heard. The slow tempo added to the dramatic opening, showcasing just Damien’s raspy voice and the piano. Her heart sped and her hand covered her mouth, trying to keep her emotion inside.
The day I left, time stood still. The wounds so deep caused blood to spill.
Like the edge of a knife, straight to the heart. By my own hand, we had to part.
You’ll never know how much I left to keep you safe from harm
A secret exploding, destroying lives, a bomb I couldn’t disarm.
The crowd was on their feet as lights exploded around the stage. The tempo picked up and the rest of the band was illuminated by spotlights. Sparks fell from the ceiling. Lily jumped to her feet watching Damien leave the piano and taking center stage behind the microphone. It was like watching a masterpiece being created and at that moment, there wasn’t anywhere else she would have rather been.
I want so much to heal the pain, the wounds, the hurt, it’s all in vain
Regret is deep and stings like rain, like an open wound Without Novocain.
Anxiety racks my regret filled mind, like a life sucking virus of an unknown kind
You’re like a drug and I need a fix, from the torture that my soul inflicts
I want so much to heal the pain, the wounds, the hurt, it’s all in vain
Regret is deep and stings like rain, like an open wound Without Novocain.
When the song ended, the crowd screamed. Lily jolted out of her trance, her adrenaline coursing through her like fire. She grabbed her backstage pass a
nd pushed past the security guards at the exit. She needed to get to Damien. She knew this had been their biggest performance and she wanted nothing more than to celebrate it with him.
When their eyes locked backstage, she squealed and ran at him. She threw her arms around his neck and he spun her around. He was covered in sweat, out of breath from their performance and she had never seen him look more amazing. He leaned in to kiss her but she pulled back and shook her head. He growled as he lifted her up, making her wrap her legs around him.
With her body pressed against his, Lily could feel Damien harden. His breathing changed as he stepped back into the shadows backstage. The hallway was covered in power cords, discarded instruments and amps and large rolling trunks. Damien moved with grace, maneuvering around everything without tripping. She tightened her grip on his waist.
“What are you doing?” She whispered against his ear.
“I need to fuck you. I can’t wait. I need to be buried in your pussy.”
She startled at his words. She’d never heard him talk like that. His eyes were frantic, scanning the hall before moving in behind some equipment. He pressed her against the wall and ground himself against her. His hands ran up the length of her legs and pulled her thong to the side. His fingers ran across her clit and she hissed.
“We can’t do this here.” Lily pushed on him.
His eyes met her, surprise written all over his face. He loosened his grip, allowing her to stand. “I need you, Lil.”
She realized he was shaking. She put her hands on each side of his face and smiled. “You can have me, just not here. What you did out there was amazing. Don’t ruin that by getting caught with your pants down. Literally.”
He chuckled and put his forehead against hers. “Let me kiss you. Please. I have been all over your body. Give me your lips.”
His expression was so serious that tears filled Lily’s eyes. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
A throat cleared and they jumped apart. Lily’s eyes locked with Steve’s. Pain was etched all over his face. She had no idea what it must have looked like they were doing back here but she knew the truth. Her instinct was to run to him and make him understand nothing was happening. But it was. He had turned her down and her relationship with Damien had intensified. She couldn’t take back what happened between them last night. She didn’t want to. It had been intense and she enjoyed her time with him more than she’d expected to. Staring at Steve standing there with his eyes locked on both of them, she felt sick.
“I’m sorry to interrupt. Your band is on in thirty seconds and they were looking for you.”
“Shit.” Damien squeezed Lily’s hand and took off running down the hall.
Lily leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes. Her life was spinning out of control. She couldn’t just stand by and watch it implode. It was time to take charge. Hearing the audience scream made her open her eyes. Steve was standing a foot away, his body rigid and his eyes full of fear. Fear of what? She wanted to reach out and touch him but after their last conversation, she knew that wouldn’t be right.
“I’m D Rey, I’m Lennon, hey I’m Harley and I’m Max. We’re Liquid Regret.” The muffled voices out on stage made Lily smile. “We’re here to announce single of the year. It’s hard to believe we’re actually here tonight. We’ve done a few of this band’s songs in our early sets and it’s an honor to be able to present this award tonight. We’re huge fans. This year’s single of the year goes to Burning Souls for their song Stained.”
The cheering made Lily focus on Steve. It wouldn’t be long before Damien was looking for her. “I know it probably doesn’t matter but what you saw, it was nothing. I don’t know what it looked like but..”
Steve held up his hand to stop her. “Have I lost you?”
She wanted that question to mean so much more. She knew Steve as well as she knew herself but whatever was happening between them now felt strained. “You will never lose me. Next to my daddy, you’re the most important man in my life.”
He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her. She felt her back hit the wall again and she smiled. Her familiar scent lit his body on fire. He was putting her through hell with his indecision. He resolved to let her work through her feelings for Damien. He wouldn’t stand in her way but the second she decided he wasn’t what she wanted, or his rock star cousin inevitably screwed up, Steve would run to her and never let her go. Four nights without her. That is all it had taken for him to realize his life was nothing if she wasn’t by his side.
“I miss you and I need you home. What if the apocalypse starts and you aren’t there to protect me?” He whispered into her ear. He hadn’t felt himself smile in a few days. She laughed and his whole body relaxed.
She pulled away from him just enough to look into his eyes. Their lips were mere inches apart. Her body leaned even closer. She hadn’t kissed anyone in so long. The act was intimate, trusting, and emotional. The connection of bodies was more primal, a carnal need. But a kiss, that was full of commitment and love. In that moment, she knew. Damien would never be the one she kissed. Her lips belonged to Steve. She would give him everything. All he needed to do was ask.
She licked her lips, drawing Steve’s attention to them. He closed any distance that was left between them. His lips were a breath away from hers. “I’ve been all over the place with my emotions for you. You make me feel things I shouldn’t. I’ve spent so much time building up these walls that aren’t Lily proof and it pisses me off. You’re under my skin and I don’t know what to do about that. I know I pushed you away. It was the right thing to do because it isn’t fair to make you wait for me. But fuck if I don’t want to kiss you right now.”
Lily was breathless. She needed him more than she needed to breathe. He was so close. “Kiss me.”
“Yo, Lil. You back here?” Damien’s voice carried down the hall.
Steve straightened up, taking an awkward step back from her. What had just happened? He needed to walk away and let them be a couple. “Shit.” He took a deep breath and smiled as Damien came into view. “You guys kicked ass out there tonight. It was great to see you live.”
Damien gave Steve a fist bump. “Thanks, bro. It felt fucking awesome.” He looked back and Lily and tilted his head, studying her. “You ok?”
She nodded her head. “I’m good.”
“Let’s head out. I want to hit the after party and the Beverly Hills Hotel. You game?” Damien took her by the hand and she followed. “You heading out that way when you’re done here, Wainwright?”
“I’ve got interviews with Bayou Stix and Burning Souls so I’ll catch up with you guys tomorrow.” Steve smiled at Lily as he walked past them. The fact that their hands were joined together solidified it for him. They were a couple and he was a distraction she didn’t need. He would force his feelings aside and be her friend. It was agony and his heart was breaking, but it was the right thing to do.
Chapter 13
The limo ride was strained. Lily stared out the window while she absently rubbed her hands together. They were only a few miles from the after party being hosted by Ripping Pages, but it felt like they had been sitting in the car for hours. Damien was silent, staring at her and then down at his hands folded in his lap. She wanted to ask him what was bothering him but her mind raced with the plea she had made to Steve backstage. She had almost thrown everything she had started to build with Damien away for a second with Steve that wouldn’t have meant anything in the long run. She sighed as she put her head back against the headrest.
Lily knew that Damien needed to make an appearance at the party. Ripping Pages was the headliner on the US tour Liquid Regret would be opening for. Getting to know the band was important. This was a big night for him and she wanted to be the supportive girlfriend. Was she his girlfriend? She didn’t know. If that was what she was, she was failing miserably.
“Why won’t you kiss me?” Damien’s voice was barely a whisper. “I know you’ve explained it to me b
efore. I need you to do it again.”
“You think it’s crazy.” When he shook his head she stopped him from saying anything. “It’s ok. Most people do. But it’s something that I don’t share with anyone unless I’m in love with them. I like you so much Damien. We’ve gotten really close and I love spending time with you. I’m just not ready.”
“Ok.” Damien looked back out the window, his shoulders slumped in defeat.
Lily slid across the limo, taking a seat right next to him. “Listen, you are amazing. What you did out there tonight was so awesome to watch. I felt like a superstar being your date. You were my rock star and every woman in that place was jealous of me. But when we aren’t at a show, you’re just Damien. You give me shit and make me laugh. You listen to me and make me feel like the only person in the world. I want to be the person you deserve. I want to wake up every morning and see you smile at me because there isn’t anyone else in the world for me.”
“But you don’t wanna wake up with me. Your heart’s somewhere else. I’m not blind. I see it every time he walks into a room. And I get it. He’s a good guy. Blind as fuck if he can’t see what he has right in front of him.” Damien smiled. “I don’t want to lose you, Lil. You mean too much to me. I’ll be your friend and I’ll be there anytime you ever need me. But I can’t be anything else. It hurts too much when I know I’m just gonna lose.”
Lily hugged him as the limo pulled up to the hotel. He climbed out, taking her hand and smiling for the photographers. Life was changing so fast and his new reality was being in the spotlight. Finding someone who could love him because of who he was instead of what he had would be difficult now. The thought of losing Lily gutted him. For tonight, he would shut down his heart and play the role of rock star. Tomorrow he would lick his wounds and find a way to move on without having her by his side.