by Y. A. Love
He stills. Then shuts his locker. Slowly he turns to face me. His eyes staring into mine, he slowly nods. Though I don’t really need that—the nod. I, of course, already know he moved out.
The morning after the kiss I’d stormed into his room for answers, only to find he had moved out.
My heart had fallen like a brick. And it does it again now—falls.
But I try to act angry, not hurt. “Why?” I demand. “Why’d you do that?”
“Which?” he asks.
I know what he’s asking—whether I want to know why he moved out, or why he blindfolded me. But I want to know both. Not only that, I want the moved-out thing to not be true. And I want the blindfold thing to be something ultra-romantic. Something that will make it worth the fact I have to break up with poor Phoenix … because I have to. Of course. I mean, I’ve fantasized about another guy’s kiss all weekend. That’s not fair to Phoenix. I suck as a girlfriend and he deserves way better.
“If you’re asking about the blindfold thing, I just wanted to get your panties wet.”
He pulls me back to him as I try to storm away. (Jerk!) I want to slug him.
He rubs a hand over his face. “Brandy, I just wanted you to see what it’s like to be with a guy—an actual guy.” He raises his eyebrows. “Not your gay boyfriend.”
When I start to storm away again, he catches my shoulder and pulls me back to him—again.
“Did you feel a difference in a specific body part on me?—you know, an indication that I was into what we were doing?”
He grins. “It seemed kind of shocking to you, so I’m going to assume Phoenix doesn’t get the same reaction from kissing you—or not as eager anyway.”
He bends down so we’re eye-level, looking into me eyes, like to make sure I’m understanding what he’s implying.
He murmurs softly, “If the guy doesn’t get turned on kissing you, Brandy—” his eyes rake over me, he shakes his head slightly, “—then he’s definitely gay. Just face it, okay? Don’t waste your time on it.”
I growl, “You are so annoyingly arrogant! I am not ‘wasting’ my time with Phoenix. Just because he’s a gentleman doesn’t make him gay.”
“No. The lack of a hard-on makes him gay.”
I growl again.
It makes him smirk, like I’m hilarious. And adorable. “Brandy, if he doesn’t at least try to attack you—he’s gay.”
I start to storm off again, but he pins me against the lockers this time, making me stay. “You want to know the real reason I did it?”
He stares deep into my eyes. “You wanted me to.”
I blink. Is he insane???
He relents a little. “Well, okay, you didn’t want that … but you wanted me to kiss you. Face it Brandy, you did. But you never would have allowed it to happen—because you have a boyfriend.”
He looks me in the eye challengingly. “But you wanted me to do it.”
Okay, what he’s saying is probably true. I guess. I mean, I’ve relived and daydreamed about his hot, passionate kiss all weekend. And before that I fantasized about it. It’s true. I did.
But that sucks.
Because now I can’t get his hot, steamy mind-blowing kiss out of my head.
I moan. “You’ve ruined my life.”
He raises his eyebrows. “You have no idea.”
CHAPTER 11
I sit in my first period class not able to focus. My head is swimming, wondering what Garrett meant by agreeing with me that he ruined my life. He sounded sort of miserable about it. What was he talking about??
Also swimming around in my brain is that stuff he said about Phoenix. Those were things I didn’t have a clue about. I had absolutely no idea if Phoenix’s body parts were secretly doing astonishing things while we were kissing. Or if he was truly “into” kissing me. He certainly never seemed as eager as Garrett about it … but hey, who is? Well, okay—me. About kissing Garrett. I’d been very, um … “into” it. Which is why I have to break up with Phoenix.
Only I don’t want to. I don’t want to hurt him.
But I know I have to.
(Sob.)
CHAPTER 12
When the bell rings, I find Garrett waiting for me outside of my classroom.
I freeze seeing him, though my heart speeds up.
My knees go all wobbly just from the realization that he’d been standing here, waiting for me. (Also, thoughts of his hot passionate kisses flash through my brain, igniting everything inside me.)
But hey, the guy had terrified me with a scary message, then seduced me, then MOVED out of the house. I’m kind of pissed at him. (Understatement.)
And maybe the words “pissed at” should read: “shattered by.”
Well, no. Both apply.
Pissed and shattered—that’s me.
Shakily, I try to walk around him, but he blocks my way. “Let me explain something, Brandy,” he says all hot and coaxing.
He pins me against the wall since I keep trying to squirm away from him.
His eyes linger on me, then his warm breath heats up my lips as he murmurs, “The text wasn’t meant to scare you. I mean, that wasn’t the intent—not exactly. I just needed to get you out of your room for a second.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Sorry I scared you. And blindfolded you.”
He says it all contrite. Like a little boy that knows he did something wrong—like ate a bunch of cookies his mom told him not to.
Sadly though, face it: I’d have him do it again in a heartbeat. But I don’t tell him this. Of course. The dude moved out of the house right after he did it. It’s like a slap in the face. Or a slug in the gut.
My eyes annoyingly welling up with tears I ask huskily, “Why’d you move out of the house?”
He eyes my pooling tears and runs a hand over his face. Slowly, he backs away, unpinning me from the wall.
“I did something bad, Brandy. I’m sorry.”
Then he walks away.
CHAPTER 13
Okay, I have no idea what Garrett was talking about. What he did that was “bad.” Unless he just meant he broke my heart.
… well, at least he’s sorry about it.
(Jerk!!!)
I play it over in my mind all day—well, that … and everything else about the guy.
Geez, I’ve got it bad!
CHAPTER 14
All day at school Phoenix and I have been awkward around each other. It’s weird. I know why I’ve been acting strange—guilt and the horrible knowledge that I have to break his heart. But why is he acting so weird?
“Phoenix,” I tell him in the cafeteria when we’re finally alone. “After school I have something to tell you—it’s kind of … heartbreaking.”
“I have something to tell you too,” he says.
But before we can say anything else we’re bombarded by our friends as they sit at the table with us.
Phoenix’s eyes look deep at me, then they flit away.
What the—??
Did he get blindfolded and kissed too?
He’s kind of acting like it.
CHAPTER 15
Up in my room, after eating a bunch of cookies, Phoenix gazes at me, then ducks his head, looking away. “Brandy, I’m gay.”
My stomach drops. “But—but we’ve been dating for two years.”
He nods. “I know. Marcus pointed that out on the band trip. He made it clear—if I haven’t been all hot and sexually after you—you, this hot, amazing girl …”
“Wait!” I furrow my brow. “Marcus helped you figure this out? Marcus Conner?? Phoenix, he’s gay.”
Phoenix rubs the back of his neck. “… Yeah.”
He peeks into my eyes. “I know.”
CHAPTER 16
Okay, so Garrett was right. My boyfriend was gay. (Well, okay, ex-boyfriend.) (Whimper.) He had apparently been seduced by Marcus Conner.
What the—???
It left me feeling shocked and … extremely unattractive.
Although April seeme
d to have a different outlook on it when I texted her the break-up news.
After a bunch of shocked emojis she texted: “Well at least it was Marcus. Marcus is HOT.”
Yeah, that really didn’t make me feel better.
In fact, I felt heartbroken.
… though not as heartbroken as one might expect after a break-up … probably due to all of my lusting after Garrett as of late.
April brought me over three tubs of ice-cream to commiserate my stolen two years of total awesomeness. (Okay, I was feeling kind of bitter.) I mean, come on. Really??? I had painstakingly went to great lengths to look hot for that guy—for two years!!! Then what does he do?—discovers he’s gay. Hello, hand me the ice-cream!
April gives me another sympathetic look. “Kind of a waste of all your hotness—I mean, when it went to a gay guy.”
Exactly!!
But, um … heyyy, that’s what Garrett had said. Exactly his words.
Maybe Garrett was right when he accused me of being afraid to be loved by an actual straight guy. A guy that could actually love me. After all, my parent’s divorce had been big time scary. Torturous to witness. I mean, how could people who were once so in love grow to hate each other? Okay, my dad’s cheating on my mom had helped that process along. Big time. But the whole thing—witnessing my mom’s pain—it sure didn’t make me feel confident about love … and maybe it left me afraid of it.
Love seems brutal.
When I tell this to April, she agrees. “Yeah, it seems to make everyone crazy.”
Exactly.
So, who could blame me for being afraid of it?
I mean, I wanted it, of course, but my parent’s divorce had made me afraid to wholeheartedly jump into it (aka: afraid of it) and it sure didn’t help that mom’s second marriage seemed to be going down the tubes—fast—as well. Maybe that’s why I stuck with a nice, safe, gay guy.
I mean, YES I had realized our love-life was a little lacking. Lukewarm rather than steamy and passionate. But Phoenix had been super fun and sooo sweet, and he never, ever pressured me. Or even tried anything. He was … safe.
My heart couldn’t get truly broken by him, because he never really took it. (He just gave it roses and compliments—but didn’t really, truly want it.)
The epiphany makes me realize I need a change. Duh.
For once I’m just going to give my heart what it wants.
Screw being “safe.”
Yeah, I had been afraid of love. But now I was going to grab it.
… after a couple more bowls of ice-cream.
CHAPTER 17
After a lot of carful deliberation, I decided maybe I shouldn’t shoot for “love” after all.
I mean, not so soon after a break-up. (That’s just not smart.)
Instead, I decided I’d go for the next best thing—lust. For once I’d actually give into what my heart secretly craved—Garrett!!!!
So, after a lot of moping and eating of chocolate, I decided to just do it. I would seduce Garrett the exact same way he seduced me. (Well, not exactly the same.) (Or even close, actually.) But I’d make him pine for me—the way I’ve been pining for him.
Oddly, for some crazy reason, I felt I could do it. I’m not sure why exactly, since he’s such a player. And that’s what players do, right? They make the girl (aka: their target) feel special. Like deep down, she is the only girl he really wants. Like he has actual true feelings for her and her alone. She’s secretly his one and only. His soul-mate. His heart’s desire.
Garrett had made me feel that way … for a second.
I mean he brought me a freakin’ umbrella.
That says something … right?
Well, to me it did.
To me it said volumes.
… maybe.
CHAPTER 18
I needed an outfit to seduce, and I was not going to find it in April’s closet. Or mine.
I went straight to the sexiest girl I knew. (Well, okay, she’s a skank, but whatever.) I’d had two full years of being totally non-appreciated for my sexiness, and I was now worried I had none. What I’m saying is: I was clueless what appealed to guys (apparently) (Grrr!)
The girl I went to is named Mallory and she’s on my cheerleading squad. When she heard I wanted to seduce Garrett she squealed and was all eager for me to come over to her house for a make-over, which she seemed to imply I desperately needed. (Witch!!)
Anyway, she was eager to help with my endeavor. (“The Giver” had given unto her a couple of times.)
When I told her I didn’t exactly want his “giving,” that I just wanted to kiss him blind and make him dream about me, she huffed like I was acting twelve.
“You don’t know what you’re missing, Brandy. The guy’s got serious talent.”
I shrugged. “Yeah, well, his tongue was talented.”
She laughed, “That’s what I’m saying.”
I went up in flames. “No! Ew. I mean, in my mouth.”
She nodded. With gusto. “Yeah, the dude is the best kisser I ever sucked-face with, definitely. But Brandy, babe, that’s not even his best talent. When he—”
“No!” I covered my ears, interrupting her yuck talk. I didn’t want visions of him with her invading my dreamy fantasies. I mean, seriously, yuck. “I don’t want to hear it. I just want to kiss him wild—that’s all. Do that ‘suck-face’ thing—for hours, and hours and hours. Forever, basically. But that’s it. I want him to end up wanting me—bad. Then there will be confetti and unicorns and we’ll hold hands and ride off into the sunset.”
I say this last part junk because I know I’m being delusional. The dude is “The Giver.” On what planet is he going to end up wanting me?—the girl that until him, had only kissed a gay guy. And she cluelessly did it for two years. (TWO YEARS!!!!)
Yeah, I’m really not up on teenage romance.
Still, I want me some more of that heavenly mouth action.
CHAPTER 19
After Mallory has me looking all hot and sexy, she hands me a drink to ‘calm my nerves.’
“Thanks,” I tell her, since I am really nervous. And thirsty.
I go to take a sip, but then think better about it as realization dawns in my nervous, frazzled brain. “Wait—does this have alcohol in it?”
She shrugs. “Just a little.”
“Oh.” I set the glass down ‘cause I don’t drink. And I sure don’t want to start now. I want to have a level head when I go to that party. I want to rock Garrett’s world, not embarrass myself.
Mallory huffs impatiently. “Hurry and drink it so we can go.”
I thought she already knew this. “I don’t drink,” I tell her.
She huffs again. “I know, but you’re all up tight. It will help loosen you up.”
I shake my head. “No, I seriously don’t drink. Like, at all.”
“Okay, relax,” she says all calm-down-like. “There’s hardly any alcohol in it. Just a tiny drop.”
“Whatever. I don’t want it,” I tell her impatiently.
“Come on. It’s yummy. I made it just for you. It’s almost totally virgin—just like you.”
Well, no. I’m totally virgin. One-hundred percent. Pure as the driven snow. (Driven snow?? What does that mean?)
Anyway, it does look really good—fruity. And I’m dying of thirst. I peek up at her. “You promise there’s hardly any in there?”
She crosses her heart. “Barely a drop.”
Well-ll, actually I hear there is alcohol cooked into a lot of the food I order at fancy restaurants. And I never feel any different after I eat the food. And my mom lets me order the food. And according to Mallory this drink has even less than that—just a tiny drop.
And I’m sooo thirsty.
While Mallory is digging through her closet for her other shoe, I hesitantly down the drink.
“Okay, lets go,” I tell her.
She blinks up at me, holding her shoe. “Wait, you drank the whole thing?”
I shrug. “Yeah, y
ou said there was like virtually no alcohol in it.”
“Yeah, I lied.”
Man, I hate her.
She gives a little laugh. “This is going to be Garrett’s lucky night.”
CHAPTER 20
When we get to the party, Mallory has me wait in a room upstairs, since I feel sort of dizzy.
“I’ll find Garrett and have him come up here to you,” she says helpfully. She instructs, “Wait here.”
“Okay,” I tell her, appreciating her being so helpful, since for some reason the room is kind of spinning. I feel like if I had to roam around the party looking for him I’d probably fall down or something.
So. Weird.
While I’m laying on the bed, I get this bright idea—maybe I’ll have SEX with Garrett!! Suddenly, it seems like it would be super fun. After all Garrett is crazy hot. And sooo not gay. And he’s “The Giver.”
Yeaaah, I want my first time to be with Garrett! Why not right here? In this room. Tonight.
Right as I formulate this awesome plan, Garrett enters the room. I scramble off the bed and try to do a sexy pose, then realize it would have been sexier on the bed. D’oh. Oh well, I strike my best sexy pose, holding onto the bedpost. But even clutching it I feel like I might keel over. Of course that might be from the way he’s looking at me.
He eyes me with a puzzled smile. “You’re dressed … different.”
I try to sound all sexy. “Am I?”
He nods, looking even more puzzled. “Mallory said you wanted to talk to me.”
“No,” I tell him, grabbing him by his collar. “I want to kiss you.”
“Wait,” he grabs me by my wrists, dodging my efforts to get my mouth on his. He cocks his head to be eye-level with me. “Are you drunk?!”