by J. R. Bonham
“She’ll be looking down on us and she’ll know. I’m sure of it.” Geoff tried to keep strong. He had mixed feelings – very happy for his daughter whilst mourning the loss of his mother.
Jan’s boss, Gordon, decided it was time to retire and so Jan was forced into early retirement unless she found something else.
“You’re not going to try and find another job, are you?” asked Mike. “My pension is sufficient to support us both. You’ve another five years to wait until you get your own pension but we’ll be OK. I’d like you to stay at home with me so we can do other things together. Only if you want to, of course.” He was mindful of not putting pressure on her and having her accuse him of behaving like Geoff. After all, he was nothing like Geoff.
“I’m only 55, the same age as you were when you retired. I guess I could stop in that case. It would be nice to do more things together.”
To fill their time they decided to do some volunteering work at the Arts Centre – Mike on the coffee bar and Jan helping out in the bar serving alcoholic drinks. She was given some training and she remembered back to when she worked in the bar in Marian’s mother’s hotel in Ireland when she was only 17. She had thoroughly enjoyed that time in her life and now she was doing it again albeit nearly forty years later and this was unpaid work but she was happy to help out and all the time they were meeting more people who became potential friends.
They became members of U3A and joined groups learning computer skills as well as trying out Petanque. Other groups they enjoyed were Wine Appreciation and Travellers’ Tales. Jan also did line dancing and went to Bridge classes but Mike wasn’t so keen to learn. He liked playing card and board games though, so they had friends around to dinner and enjoyed their company with long evenings relaxing over dinner and then playing games.
They met a lot of people at different classes and soon made many friends. They started going to pub quizzes with friends and found they were actually quite good. They would try out different ones and would attend one or two per month. Mike liked it so much he decided to set quizzes for U3A, something he really enjoyed. It was one of the more popular groups which grew year on year. Jan helped him running it with a special programme a friend put on to her laptop so that she could compute the scores.
Mike joined Probus when there was a vacancy. The outings organiser wanted to stand down after 13 years and looked at Mike as a good successor. He agreed and was voted straight onto the committee with a view to him taking over the outings. Jan helped him with his outings as she was more computer literate than him and for which he was thankful.
“How did we ever manage before we had the computer?” Mike stated philosophically. “And what did we do before broadband?”
“Indeed!” Jan agreed. “And who said ‘do we need a home computer?’ I wonder?” Jan asked him.
“I know! I did! I’ve just realised what it would cost in stamps alone if we had to post everything! I love the fact that we can get everything emailed.”
“Apart from the extra time it would take up!” Jan mused. “I hate to say it but, ‘I told you so!’ I knew you’d like it just as much as I do and find it useful. Now I can send an email to Marian in Thailand and also to Paula and get an answer back the same day. Instead of old fashioned paper and pen! And we can send emails to Ray and Daf in New Zealand and just generally keep in touch with everyone. Hopefully we might get an email from Richard one day and then we will be in contact with him. Ray and Daf will give him our email address, I’m sure. It’s fantastic, isn’t it?”
“It sure is!” Mike agreed. “It’s great living here, there’s just so much to do. Sometimes I feel like saying ‘how did I ever have time to work?’ What with Probus and the outings, all the U3A stuff that we do and all our holidays to fit in. To say nothing about socialising with all our friends here.”
“I agree, it really is fantastic. I never want to live anywhere else.”
Mike was at a Probus meeting where a speaker told them all about the Institute of Advanced Motoring. He thought that Jan might be a good candidate and said she should to go for it. He was determined not to be like Geoff, always putting her down. This was a way that he thought he could show her interest and encouragement.
“Why don’t you just go for it?” Mike encouraged her. “I’m sure you would do well. And enjoy it too.”
“What a great idea,” Jan agreed. “I seem to remember there was a famous woman who lived quite near us in Devon, years ago, who had passed the test and become an advanced driver. I thought about it then but I didn’t think of actually being able to do it, until now. Never thought I’d have the opportunity. You know I’ve always been fed up with men complaining about women drivers! I’ll show ’em!”
She set about finding out what to do to enable her to take the test. It took several months and it meant tweaking her own style of driving – but she passed the first time. She was awarded a certificate which she proudly had framed and displayed in their hall.
“Well done,” said Mike. “I knew you could do it.”
“Yes, and that’s all thanks to you for suggesting it. Your turn now!”
“Oh, no, I don’t think so.”
Jan heard from John that Betty had passed away. She was 92. She took her sixty-year-old secret to the grave with her, happy that no one ever found out that her son might not have belonged to her husband. Geoff was probably the result of a liaison with an American just after the war ended. She had been so hypocritical when Jan left Geoff and told her grandchildren not to have anything more to do with her. These last wishes they were carrying out, thinking they were doing the right thing but not thinking of the consequences.
Jan decided to phone Geoff to offer her condolences, just as he had done when her father had passed away. It was a stilted conversation, but friendly all the same. He told her that Steven and Sheryl were themselves going to be first-time parents in a few months. Jan asked him if he would try to help her with a reconciliation with Louise and Steven, now he was settled himself. He said he would try but didn’t hold out much hope. He suggested that she ring Louise herself and offer congratulations on her new baby, Daisy. Jan thought about it for a while and steeled herself to ring Louise.
“Hello, Lulu, Mum here.” Jan had jitters in her stomach, afraid of the inevitable rejection again.
“What d’you want? Has he left you? Ha ha!” Louise spat.
“No! There’s no need to be like that,” Jan cried.
“Why not? What d’you want after all this time? We’re perfectly happy without you.”
“I just wanted to say congratulations on your latest baby. Daisy? How is she? In fact, how are all my grandchildren? I’d really love to meet them. How about it?”
“You must be joking. I told you before, we want nothing more to do with you. And by the way, don’t call me Lulu. That’s only for use by close family. Goodbye.”
“I suppose there’s nothing more I can do or say then?” Jan said, disappointed.
“Absolutely not! Like I said – goodbye. And don’t ring me again, ever!”
Jan put down the phone and cried. ‘I don’t understand why she’s being so horrible to me. What did I ever do? I only left her father, not her. I must have really hurt her when I left, but I’ve tried all these years with letters and cards. All to no avail.’
She wondered about all the letters she had written to Louise and Steven in the past. ‘Whatever did they do with them? Did they mean nothing?’
Sadness turned to anger and she turned to her computer and wrote a vile letter to her daughter, she was so incensed. ‘That’ll teach her!’ she raged. She read it over and over again. Then she printed it. Then she posted it. Then she regretted it as soon as she had put it into the letter box. ‘Nothing more I can do about it now. I’ve written so many nice letters to her over the years but now she’s going to get a piece of my mind. A taste of her own medicine!’
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She told Mike what she had done and he just shrugged.
“Well, she probably deserved it! There’s nothing you can do about it now. Just forget about it.” He gave her a hug.
Jan cried herself to sleep that night. Upset by what Louise had said to her and cross with herself for writing that letter.
Clare gave Jan the news that Steven and Sheryl had had their first baby. A girl called Milly. Jan sent them a special ‘congratulations’ card together with a letter asking Steven if he was prepared to draw a line in the sand. She still hoped for a reconciliation. Always hoping. But nothing was forthcoming.
Two years later they had another baby girl, Poppy.
Jan continued to send Christmas and birthday cards. She already had a special account for Jake, opened when he was born, to which she added on each of his subsequent birthdays. She opened another account for all of her other grandchildren and kept a log of how much each child would be entitled to receive when they came of age. She looked forward to the day when she could give it to them all but hoped it would be sooner rather than later. Steven and Louise were still holding to their promise that their mother would never meet her grandchildren. Jan’s only hope in later years was that she would be able to meet them when they were adults. There would be nothing their parents would be able to do to stop that. Surely?
Life in Clayfold continued to thrive for Jan and Mike. She couldn’t be happier except for the one big gap in her life which caused her much sadness and heartache. She tried to ignore it and mostly she succeeded, but she often thought of her children. She would sometimes ‘see’ them in the street, but of course, it was only in her own imagination. She was determined not to let her loss impinge on her wonderful life with Mike. Sometimes she had to force herself not to think of what she didn’t have but to be grateful for what she did have.
Mike had occasional emails from Richard which gave him news of Sonia, his daughter. After she had her baby girl there followed three boys in quick succession. Mike never heard anything from her and she never wanted to have any contact with him. Jan always thought it strange that he wasn’t really bothered by it. ‘That’s the difference between men and women, I guess,’ she thought. ‘The maternal instinct is so different to the paternal instinct. I think about it and worry about it much more than he does. It’s with me almost all the time but I’m trying not to let it impinge on our lives. It would be bad if I was miserable all the time so I have to put on a brave face.’
They continued to visit Audrey in her care home. She looked forward to their visits, especially to seeing Mike. He always went down on bended knee and treated her like royalty which she lapped up. They always left her with a smile on her face. Her health was starting to fail and she needed continuously more care. She took very little exercise and consequently she lost the use of her legs. She had to have a hoist to lift her in and out of bed. Jan was very sad to see her in such a state but glad she was getting the care that was necessary.
Two years later she passed away. It was 2009. Nine years after Ken died.
John and Clare arranged the funeral between them. It was a very small affair in the chapel at the same crematorium where Ken was buried. It was a family vault for eight, where Ken’s parents, his two brothers and a sister were buried. Now Audrey.
“There’s space for one more,” John said quietly to Jan and Clare while they stood at the graveside, as chief mourners, awaiting the burial.
“Well, I’m not racing you for it!” Jan whispered. “You can have it. You’re very welcome!” With that she nudged him and he feigned falling into the hole in the ground. She had to pull him back.
“Nice to have a bit of humour at this sad time!” Clare glared at her younger siblings.
Jan didn’t know at the time that Louise and Steven had been at the back of the chapel for the service. They stayed until the end of the burial and spoke to their cousins. They didn’t go to the wake. Jan never saw them at all.
When her niece, Natalie, told Jan later that they were there, she was amazed that she had missed them. They kept a low profile deliberately, but at least they were able to pay their last respects to their maternal grandmother.
Natalie had had two boys in quick succession and she was looking forward to a third birth. John and Vera were very proud grandparents. Jan was happy for them if a little envious she didn’t have the same connection with hers. Natalie’s brother, Danny, although the elder sibling, was enjoying being single. He enjoyed being Uncle Dan and was happy with that.
Clare’s two children, Kara and Joss, were also happily single. Jan’s relationship with her nieces and nephews wasn’t close but just her knowing they were there was good enough for her. She was so glad not to have been an only child, like Mike. Clare had looked after their mother’s needs as she was the closest geographically. Jan was grateful to her for that.
Later that year it was Jan’s 60th birthday in October. Mike decided to make it special for her with two big surprises he had in store.
“Shall we push the boat out and have a party to celebrate your special birthday and also our 10th wedding anniversary combined?” he asked Jan.
“Oh yes! That sounds a great idea,” she replied.
“OK, I’ll get on and organise it and you can help me if you like. I’ve got something else up my sleeve too! How about we go on another big trip?”
“That would be fantastic, you’re so clever, coming up with all these wonderful ideas. I think that would be great.”
“How about we start off in Australia and visit Auntie Edith again before we do anything. Not sure how much longer we will be able to see her, she’s getting on a bit. Do some touring around, go and visit Marian and Kai and then pop over to Auckland to visit Ray and Daphne again. I know they always want to see us when we’re over there. We could also visit your sister and Jamie. And see if Richard is still there although his last email said he was thinking of going to Australia to live. We will catch up with him somewhere, I’m sure.”
“That would be good to see them all again. Then what? You seem to have it all worked out!” She waited in anticipation to see what else he was going to come up with.
“Well, as it’s been ten years since we got married in Sri Lanka, it’s time we paid them a visit. See if they remember us. See how they fared after the tsunami in 2004. Then while we’re in that area I wondered about going to India as well. There’s a great tour – mostly by train, which includes the Toy Train to Shimla, in the foothills of the Himalayas. It looks a really good tour and goes to places I’ve never been to before.” Mike had already been on holiday to India twenty years before.
“And I haven’t been there at all. That all sounds fantastic, I’d really love that. And most important for me is that we will be away over Christmas, my bad time.” Jan would be sad at home over Christmas because she would think about the loss of her children. She felt better to be away at that time. “It’s going to be quite a few weeks away.”
“Yes, I reckon probably eleven weeks. We can manage that, can’t we?”
“You bet!
Chapter 51
Jan wanted to invite Paula to their special party for their 10th wedding anniversary and also for Jan’s 60th birthday. She was well aware of Paula’s predicament since her divorce from Stuart. It had been very messy and she had been in a vulnerable state, but it had been nearly ten years since their split so Jan thought that she was over it by then. She wanted to cheer her up but was wary of how to go about it. Mike’s first and only encounter with her was not the best. She had been quite feisty and since then had been quite cool towards Jan whenever she rang her. Jan wanted to cheer her up with the thought of a party but it turned out to be not the best idea.
“A double celebration,” Jan explained to her friend. “You will come, won’t you? Say you’ll come. You can be my special guest!”
“Oh, you know I’d love to but…” Paula stopped
dead in her tracks. Jan thought that her good friend was trying to find an excuse not to come but she really wanted her to come.
“What?” asked Jan. “What’s the matter? You want to come, don’t you?” she continued.
“It’s just that… it’s such a long way!” Paula prevaricated.
“What? You can stay with us you know, that goes without saying. We have friends coming from further afield than Bristol!”
“No, I’ve decided. I’m afraid not. Sorry. I’m not good company at the moment.”
“Of course you are! What’s the matter?”
“I’m OK. It’s just that I’m not really in the mood for partying. But I wish you well, you deserve it.” What Paula was trying to say was that she was a little bit jealous of Jan’s life now. Her own life had gone steadily downhill since her divorce. Susan, her daughter, had become quite aloof since the divorce and had sided with her father. Paula was feeling depressed.
In subsequent years following this incident, Paula gradually became introverted and wouldn’t return calls or emails from Jan or send cards for birthday or Christmas. Jan became increasingly worried about her. Paula finally admitted that she didn’t want to hear all about Jan and Mike’s fabulous holidays or the good life they were leading because she felt such a drudge. Paula wished Jan well but didn’t want anything more to do with her and there was nothing that Jan could say to change her mind. Jan felt a large part of her was missing. Something else to mourn the loss of, as well as the loss of her children.
Jan continued to send cards to her children but she became progressively disenchanted with them. She felt there was a gaping hole in her life. She often wondered what they were doing and how they were. She wondered what her own grandchildren looked like as they were growing up. ‘All I want is the chance to be able to hug my children and grandchildren. It’s just not fair,’ thought Jan.