Her blue eyes went wide when the full realization sank in. She stood and held her hand out for the envelope. “Let me see them.”
I shook my head and folded my arms across my chest, keeping the envelope from her outstretched hand. “No. You don’t need to see them.” It was bad enough that she’d trusted me to keep her safe, including from prying eyes yesterday. I was the one who convinced her that we had privacy, and someone had violated that, violated her and everything we’d shared down by the river. She didn’t need to see the proof.
“Give them to me,” she demanded softly.
I sighed, “Em . . .”
“Camden, just give me the damn envelope.”
I had no choice. She wasn’t going to let it go. I reluctantly handed the pictures over and watched as she pulled them out and flipped through them as I had. The look of horror on her face increased with each one. Her hand came up over her mouth and tears shimmered in her eyes as her cheeks flamed red.
Whoever took the pictures had caught everything in vivid detail.
My fists clenched at my side and I squeezed my eyes shut, drawing in a deep breath and letting it out as I took in her mortified face again. “I’m so sorry, Emily. I fucked up.”
Her eyes lifted at my apology. “You didn’t do this.”
“But it’s my fault.”
“You didn’t do this,” she repeated more insistently.
“I take it those pictures are more than just the two of you going for a swim.” Spencer cut in.
I nodded but kept my eyes fixed on Emily. “I’ll make it right, I promise. I’ll make sure they go down. All of them.”
“Camden, this isn’t on you.” She tossed the envelope down on the counter and took a step forward, but I pulled back.
“The hell it’s not. I’m the one that took you out there and put you at risk. If they’d caught us in the sights of a gun instead of a camera, we wouldn’t even be standing here right now. You wouldn’t be standing here right now, and that is on me.”
She shook her head in frustration, taking another step toward me. “No, it’s not.” She put her hand on my arm. “I don’t blame you, so you don’t get to either,” she was adamant. But she was also wrong.
I shook her hand off. “If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be in this mess, but I’m going to fix it.” I turned to leave the room, needing a minute to cool off and clear my head. She followed me into the living room.
“Dammit, Emily,” I spun around on her. “I promised you I would keep you safe, and I didn’t. Do you get that you could have been killed yesterday? I wouldn’t have been able to do a damn thing to stop it.”
“Believe me, I get it! But I wasn’t. I’m still right here and I trust you, the same as I did yesterday. But I don’t want you going off all reckless, on some crazed mission that’s going to get you killed.”
I didn’t say a word, just continued to glower at her.
“Dammit, Camden! Are you even listening to me?” she shouted angrily.
“Woah, bad timing?” Neither of us had noticed the arrival of her brother as he let himself in the front door.
“Yes!” Emily snapped at the same time I said, “No man, I was just leaving.”
“Like hell you’re leaving.” She narrowed her eyes at me. “We’re still talking.”
“We’re done talking, because clearly you don’t understand –”
“Understand what? That you’re a macho idiot with a super-hero complex? I think I understand just fine. It’s you who doesn’t get that this isn’t just about your ego or your pride.”
“That’s not what this–” I started, but she didn’t give me the chance to argue.
“You’re in those pictures too!” she shouted. “You’re the real target, not me, and now you want to go out there, not even thinking straight, blinded by your anger, with a big fat bullseye on your back”
“I know what I’m doing Emily,” I growled.
“Obviously not, because even I can see that you’re doing exactly what they want. Those pictures were meant to get to you, and they did. Now you’re about to go do something stupid.”
“I’m going to do my job. I’m going to keep my promise and keep you safe.”
“If you want to keep me safe, dammit, then don’t get killed! Stay with me,” she pleaded.
My brother cleared his throat, and for the first time I looked over to see that the rest of them had followed us into the living room as well. “She has a point. The pictures were clearly meant to draw you out.”
“Does someone want to fill me in here, what pictures?” James wore a confused look that went ignored.
“Tell me you wouldn’t go after him if it were Nora,” I challenged my brother.
“That’s exactly the point. They got you where they knew it would hurt the most, did the one thing they knew you wouldn’t be able to ignore.”
“You’re damn right I’m not ignoring it. I’m not about to sit around and wait for Kuznetsov to make good on his threats. We need to take the girls somewhere else.” I wasn’t going to let them take a single person I cared about, especially not Emily. They wouldn’t fucking touch her.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Emily said stubbornly. I scowled at her and started to tell her I’d throw her ass over my shoulder and drag her to a safe-house, but Nora piped up too.
“That goes for me as well.” Those two were frustrating as hell. Did they not get how serious this was at all?
“Hey,” my brother stepped in again. “I’m not asking you to ignore anything, but you have to be smart. You don’t have a play right now. And can you honestly tell me you’ll be able to focus with Emily somewhere else? I hate this as much as you do, but I want Nora with me, because the people in this room are the only ones I’m willing to trust to keep her safe. We all just need to sit tight. We don’t have a clue where they’re at, even if we did want to go after them. You also have to consider that if you leave, it may be exactly what they’re waiting for.”
I shifted my gaze back to Emily’s worried face and some of my anger started to melt away. I hated to admit it, but damn it, they were right. I couldn’t leave her alone or send her away from me.
I was angry and I was being a dick because I was scared of losing her. I couldn’t lose her, not when I hadn’t even had a chance yet to make her mine. She needed me to be smart about this, and walking out that door, the way I was currently feeling, wasn’t smart.
The fight left me. I heaved a sigh and dropped onto the couch, hanging my head in my hands, raking my fingers through my hair. “Find them,” was all I said.
Spencer didn’t reply, but I heard several sets of feet disappear into the kitchen. I looked up to see that only Emily remained. She came over and sat down beside me. My gut still churned with the knowledge that I’d let her down in the worst way. My eyes dropped to the floor at my feet. “If you really won’t leave, then you should go see if your brother needs anything. If he was on the hunt all night, he’s probably hungry.”
“What do you need?” she asked softly.
I glanced sideways at her. What I needed was for her to stop being so damn concerned about me right now. I couldn’t take it. “I need to not be distracted right now so I can do my job.”
She jerked back. “And I’m a distraction?”
“When you’re around, all I see is you. Yesterday is proof of that. I can’t have my judgment clouded if I’m going to keep you safe.”
A look of hurt came across her features. I let out a heavy breath and reached for her hand. “I’m not trying to hurt you, but if something happened to you because of me, I would never be able to forgive myself.”
She tugged her hand free and stood. “And if something happens to you, because of me, how do you think I’ll feel? You put me through that and I won’t forgive you either. You just remember that while you’re trying to play the hero.” She turned and went to join the others in the kitchen.
I worked to clear my head and come up with a plan, but I di
dn’t know what the hell to do. Waiting around for news or for something to happen was the last thing I wanted, but until we had a direction to go in, what other choice did I have?
I also didn’t know what to do about the hurt look I’d put on Emily’s face. She was pissed at me, and I wanted to fix it, but maybe it was better this way right now. I needed some space from her to keep from getting distracted and making another mistake that could get her or someone else killed.
When this was over I’d make it right. I’d show her just how damn mine she was.
That is, if we both got through this.
Twenty-Four
Emily
Camden was by far the most infuriating, frustrating man I’d ever met! What was even more frustrating was that the same hero-qualities that were currently pissing me off were part of what drew me to him in the first place.
At some point, the thought of losing him had become even more terrifying than any Russian mobster. I didn’t want him to be the one to save the day this time, not if it meant he might get himself killed. I knew it wasn’t in his nature to sit back and let someone else come to the rescue.
It was who he was and what made him the man I was quickly falling for, but as much as I loved that part of him, I also hated it. I didn’t know what to do with that. I wanted to be incredibly selfish with him. Yet asking him not to put himself in danger, not to risk himself for me, would be asking him not to be who he was. I was struggling to reconcile that with my fear of something happening to him.
“How do you do it?” I asked Nora when we had a moment alone.
“Do what?”
“Let him go off and play Batman, knowing he might not come back.”
Her gaze filled with understanding and resignation. “I don’t let him do anything. I love him. I could try and change him, make him give up that part of himself, but then he would no longer be the same man I fell in love with, and who knows what would happen to us. Or I can accept the risk that comes with loving someone like him. I could lose him, but if that’s the price of getting to be with him, then I’m willing to pay it. I just pray every night that I never have to.”
“I don’t know if I can do it,” I admitted to her.
“If you love him the way I suspect you’re realizing you do, then you’ll learn to. It’s either that or you lose him anyway, so really there’s no choice at all.” She gave me a soft smile that I suppose was meant to be reassuring or comforting, but it wasn’t. She squeezed my hand and then abandon me at my spot in the kitchen window.
It truly felt like there was no choice in any of this for me. I certainly didn’t choose to feel this much for him this soon. I didn’t choose these knots in my stomach, or the tightness in my chest, but they were still there. The way my heart beat erratically around him wasn’t a choice either. Nor was my difficulty breathing when he touched me, or when I thought about something happening to him. It just was.
“You want to tell me what’s going on?” My brother leaned against the frame of the window.
“I figured Spencer and Nikoli would have filled you in by now,” I muttered.
“Not about you they didn’t. I want to know what’s going on with you and the younger Shaw.”
I let out a dry laugh. “I don’t even know if I have the answer to that, James.”
“Things sure seemed intense between the two of you in there. I’ve only been gone a week, Em, so tell me what I missed.”
“A lot,” I sighed, fixing my gaze on my brother’s. “He . . . we’re – I don’t know how to explain it in a way that won’t make you blow up.”
“I’m not going to like this, am I?”
“Probably not.”
He let out a deep breath. “You obviously have feelings for the guy.”
“I do.”
“And the pictures everyone was talking about, they’re of the two of you.” He said slowly, his tone suggesting he knew exactly what they were photos of.
I ducked my eyes. “They are.”
“You’re sure about him?”
I looked up at my brother, confused.
“You’re sure that you want to get – umm – mixed up with him?”
“I think so,” I answered.
James scraped a hand over his short hair. “I don’t think I have to remind you it’s only been a short time since you met the guy, and you haven’t exactly been dating much lately.”
“What are you trying to say James?”
“Just want to make sure you’re – I don’t know – ready, I guess, to get in deep with someone, because it sure as hell looks to me like you’re already in deep with him. I actually, sort of, don’t hate the guy, and I’d like to avoid having to kick his ass.”
“I don’t think either one of us expected things to get so deep, between us, as you said, but they did, and I think, maybe, it’s about time I let them. I’m tired of being shut down and not letting myself feel anything. I want to feel this James, even if it hurts a little, even if it’s hard, and even if I get my heart broken, so there will be no kicking his ass for any reason. You just have to let me do this and figure out how to move forward with my life, whether it’s with Camden or not. It’s time for the bubble wrap you’ve all put me in to come off.”
“I don’t know if I can do that. You’re my little sister, and I almost lost you once. I don’t think I can ever stop looking out for you or trying to protect you.”
“I know that. You and Camden have that in common, and I’m trying to accept that ya’ll are just a bunch of over-protective, alpha male, Superman wannabes. But I need you to accept that if I’m ever going to get back to really living my life on my own, then you have to step back a little and let me. Even if I’m making choices you don’t agree with or like, and even if it means watching me stumble through those choices a bit.”
“I’ll try.” Her wrapped his arm around my shoulder and tugged me into his side, kissing the top of my head. “I love you, Em.”
“I love you too.” I squeezed my arms around his middle and instantly felt a little of my anxiety melt away. At the end of the day, no matter what, I knew I had my big brother, and that was a very reassuring thing.
Camden kept his distance throughout the remainder of the day. When he was around, I caught his eyes on me several times, and I recognized my own longing in them. He was stupid to think that by putting space between us, it would lessen any of what we were feeling. I wanted to go to him and tell him what a dumbass he was being, but instead, I tried my best to respect his decision. He spent most of the time out, around the property.
In my head, I imagined him rigging all sorts of Rambo booby traps, but in reality, I knew he was probably just keeping an eye on things. I’d heard Spencer say that he was also checking in with all the neighbors.
The other three were on and off their phones and computers all day, occasionally disappearing outside as well. Nora and I did busy-work around the house, not that there was much to do. Mostly we watched the lifetime channel until dinner time came around.
We fixed food for everyone from the groceries Nikoli had retrieved at some point when he went out for other supplies. I didn’t know what. Only that he’d come in the house carrying grocery sacks along with a large black duffel. That disappeared from sight almost immediately. It was probably better that its contents remained unknown.
Shortly after arriving with the groceries and mystery bag, Nikoli had gone out again, but he had since returned and the guys were out on the back deck while Nora and I prepared the meat for the barbecue and tended to the rest of the meal.
“Did Camden tell you Spencer offered him a job in Seattle?” Nora asked while we scrubbed potatoes for baking.
“He did.”
“Did he tell you he’s thinking about taking it?”
“He did,” I repeated.
“Mmm, and how do you feel about that?”
“At first I was worried he’d lost his mind and was doing it for me, but we talked about it and he seems to think it’s t
he right choice for him. The fact that it also gives us more of a chance is a nice benefit.”
“So, you’ve decided you are going to give it a chance, even after today.”
“He’s stubborn and drives me crazy and his job terrifies me, and I imagine even if he takes this job with Spencer it won’t be risk-free either, but I’ve never felt this way in my whole life, even before, Nora. If today has shown me anything, it’s that there are scarier things in life than what’s in the past. Not giving this future with him a chance is one of them. Being too afraid and missing out on something wonderful is one of them. I think ‘what if’ is probably the worst of them. I don’t want any what ifs.”
Nora was smiling at me oddly when I finished.
“What?”
“I’ve just missed you is all.”
I wished I could’ve said I didn’t know what she was talking about.
“I’ve missed me too.”
We worked quietly, prepping dinner. Nora took the plate of steaks out to the guys for grilling and then came back in and started tossing together a salad.
“Do you think it’s possible to fall in love with someone in two weeks?” I bit my lip and kept my eyes fixed on my task while I anxiously waited for her response, hoping she wouldn’t tease me for asking.
I felt her hesitation and when I glanced up I could see her weighing her response. She grimaced slightly like she already knew it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. “I’m not sure you can know a person well enough in that short a time to truly love them.”
I deflated a little, disappointment settling in my stomach even though it was the answer I’d expected, because it was the same thing I kept telling myself over and over.
“But I do think it’s possible to find someone and know right away that they’re someone you could fall in love with, and I think that feeling is powerful. The anticipation, the hopefulness, the excitement, that’s how it all starts. To me, love is about discovering who a person truly is, their mind, their heart, their flaws and annoying quirks, you know, really seeing all of them, good and bad, and still choosing to stick with them. That takes time to build, but choosing the person you want to take that journey with doesn’t always have to. Sometimes, when you know, you know.”
Tears of Blue (Shades of Death Book 2) Page 20