"You are still seen as the innocent that you are," he reminded her, clearing his throat and attempting to reign in his unruly thoughts. "There is that."
Julia didn't reply at first and instead scanned the crowd as he had done only moments before. "There is that," she parroted back to him, and he had the impression that her mind was now elsewhere. He frowned. This was supposed to be a great night out at the theater for her, not yet another event that would make her unhappy. He'd seen to it, right down to the gown that she wore.
It was magnificent if he did say so him self. Madame Brigette did exquisite work, which was why he'd secretly hired her, through Nicholas, of course, to design Julia's wardrobe for town. The gown she wore tonight hadn't been completed when the rest of her wardrobe had been delivered but to Benjamin's eye, it had been well worth the wait.
The cool green satin gown flowed around Julia's lovely form, accentuating her hips until it pooled at her feet where he knew she wore dainty satin slippers encrusted with crystals and seed pearls that matched those at both the bottom of her gown. The bodice was a tight affair, tighter than necessary to Benjamin's eye, though he swore to himself that he wasn't looking, and covered in more crystals and seed beads. The entire thing was trimmed with lace and other bits of frippery. It was completely too much and yet just enough at the same time.
With her coppery hair and whiskey eyes, she looked good in green, he thought as he studied her, trying not to be too obvious. Since this was the second night they were out together, he knew that there would be more talk tomorrow, and probably more in the gossip columns as well. Julia swore that she did not care. She reminded him again that once the season ended she would return to the country, never to be seen again. He could go on about his life, much as he had before.
When the season had first started, that had seemed more than appropriate, not to mention that it was her stated wish to do so. Return home. Go back to Seldon Park. Now, after spending only two scant days in her company, Benjamin was beginning to think that it was nothing short of a tragedy.
Julia had matured over the years, he was quickly discovering, and, since he had not seen her frequently, he'd had no idea that she'd blossomed into an intelligent, confident woman with a quick wit and an even quicker tongue. The air of sadness he'd always associated with her still clung to her, much as he'd expected, but now, it didn't seem as if there was a reason for it. Rather, it remained almost because it was expected. Because of the scars.
He wanted to know more about her, the woman and not the child he'd known. After only two days, he was fascinated, even though he knew he shouldn't be, and his meeting with Landover earlier had only increased his desire to protect her. Benjamin was also intrigued by her new sense of fearlessness and her unwavering belief in herself. She knew precisely who and what she was, without pretense. She saw him for what he was as well. To her, he was simply Benjamin, the older boy she'd shared sweetmeats and lemonade with as a child. He was not the Duke of Radcliffe or an endless supply of money and jewels, the way other women viewed him. It was, quite simply, refreshing. Much like she was.
Tonight, she was breathtaking. He'd told her that when he'd picked her up earlier in the evening, but she'd waved away his words and instead told him to go pester another woman. However, he'd also seen the blush begin to creep up her neck and knew she'd been pleased. Few people ever told her she was pretty and meant it. He did.
"Have I told you how lovely you look this evening?" He felt like saying it again, this time loud enough for others to overhear. "Because, my dear, you are ravishing."
"Go on with you, Lord Radcliffe," she said turning back to him, but he could see the sparkle in her eye, and knew that he'd pulled her out of whatever dark place she'd been sliding into. "You know I don't believe you."
He gave her a cheeky grin of his own, surprised at his own good humor. She did seem to bring out the best in him. "I do, but it is the truth. To me, you are perfect." Oddly, he found that he meant the words. She was perfect. Everything about her was perfect. Funny that he'd never noticed before.
Benjamin could tell she was resisting the urge to roll her eyes. "You are blessed with a devil's tongue, aren't you?" She reached over and patted his hand sweetly. "But that is why I adore you, you know. You can always make me feel better." Then she laid her hand over his as the theater darkened so the performance could begin.
Except that Benjamin didn't notice the dimming lights or the performers on the stage. All he felt was Julia's hand on top of his, the heat passing between them, and the spark of something that seemed to jump between them. It was unexpected and, quite honestly, a bit frightening.
In all of their years together, he'd never truly seen Julia as a woman, as a potential lover or even a wife. She was simply Julia, his best friend's sister. The girl he had vowed at a young age to protect with his life. He never saw her scars. Not really. She was just Julia and eternally a child.
But she wasn't. Not any longer. Now she was a woman in her prime, well out of the schoolroom and, many would say, firmly on the shelf even though she had never officially debuted until this year. Except that Benjamin could not bring himself to see her thus. She was, he thought, more beautiful now than she had been at eighteen. Or even twenty.
And he wanted her.
There, in the darkness of the theater, Benjamin Sinclair, the Duke of Radcliffe, was struck by the realization that he wanted Julia Rosemont. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to see her naked in his bed. By God, he wanted to make love to her.
And in that moment, he wondered how he would ever be able to make it through the next few weeks without pulling her into a secluded alcove at a ball somewhere and thoroughly ravishing her.
The question plagued him all throughout the performance, none of which he really saw. Oh, there was intermission, and he greeted those who dropped by his box to visit with his usual chilly distain tempered a bit by his wit and charm. It was, after all, what he was known for.
He also glowered at the young bucks who came to get a peek at Julia. After the columns in the papers that morning, it seemed that every young man of the ton wanted a closer look at "the not-so-young, yet still lovely, woman who had captured the usually rakish duke's interest," to quote directly from Lady X, which most of the young pups did.
There was also a steady stream of women, many of whom simply came to view the woman they viewed as competition for Benjamin's heart. He could have told them not to bother, that they had a snowball's chance in hell of holding his attention, especially after his moment of discovery while sitting next to Julia in the dark. Still, silly chits that they were, they came and preened for him, while either making snide comments about Julia or ignoring her completely.
By the time Miss Amy Cheltenham arrived with her mother, the Countess of Evanston, Benjamin was seething. He wanted to yank Julia, who was bearing up remarkably well, all things considered, from her seat and promptly take her home to safety. If there was a kiss or two somewhere mixed in, then all the better. He wasn't certain about Julia, but he was hungry for it - and more, should she be willing to give it.
Much to his surprise, however, Miss Cheltenham and her mother both greeted Julia warmly after curtseying to him, and Julia responded in kind. The three of them spent a few moments chatting pleasantly, and while he could not hear what they were saying, Julia laughed brightly, something she had not done in a very long time.
He also noted that neither Miss Cheltenham nor her mother stared at Julia the way others did. It was as if they truly did not see her scars, just as he did not. That was unusual, especially for women of their rank, so high above the rest of the ton that they were almost royalty themselves. Benjamin felt himself warming a bit to the woman and was a bit disappointed when they departed, not for himself but rather because Julia's smile dimmed a bit.
"They were nice," he said as they settled back into their seats for the second part of the performance. "I had not expected that."
"I thought I had mentioned before that Lady
Amy has always been kind to me." There was a tone in Julia's voice that he could not interpret. "I know that the others came to stare and gawk, and to warn me away from you, particularly Henrietta. But I do like Amy, as well as her mother, and think that they like me as well. They are different from the rest. Were there more like them, I think my time here in London would have been more enjoyable."
Pain. There was more pain in her voice. He could sense it now, that certain something he'd been unable to identify in her voice a moment ago. The very thing he had sworn would end when he started to escort her to various events. This was not the way it was supposed to be. Julia was supposed to be happy, not upset.
Unable to stand it any longer, Benjamin rose as silently as possible and pulled Julia with him. If anyone was watching them, which he was certain they were, it would appear that they were simply leaving the performance, which wasn't unusual. Most of the ton only wanted to be seen and didn't really give a damn about what was occurring on the stage.
Together, they walked through the dim hallways of the Drury Lane theater, her hand tucked in the crook of his arm, just like the perfect escort he was pretending to be. He nodded to some of his acquaintances as they passed, and bowed briefly to some of the ladies he'd known over the years. He also thought he saw Landover lurking behind a column but quickly put thoughts of the man out of his head. He wasn't important tonight. Landover could wait until the morrow. Tonight, there was just Julia.
By the time they were ensconced in his carriage, he was wound tight, trying not to fidget and not succeeding all that well. It wasn't lost on him that neither of them spoke, as if she felt the same tension he did, throbbing as if it had a life of its own. It was also not lost that Julia swiped at her eye once, as if a tear was threatening to fall. Damn and blast!
Finally, as the conveyance pulled away and headed back towards Mayfair and Candlewood House, Benjamin tuned to Julia in the shadowed darkness. She still had not said a word, but now the tears were sliding down her cheeks. There was enough light from the street lamps for him to see them glisten on her fair skin, tracing their way down her face by following the path of her scars.
"I'm sorry," she began, swiping at her eyes again. "We were having a lovely time, and I ruined it. I did not mean to. The play was wonderful and it was one of the things that I asked to do before I left London. I am usually much stronger than this."
"No one can be strong forever," he informed her gently as he moved to her side of the carriage to sit beside her. "You have greater fortitude than any woman I know. Another woman would have left London long ago. Most would never have come at all. Not you."
She lowered her eyes. "Tonight when all of those people came to the box, I thought I could tolerate it. The gossip, the stares. I thought I was used to it. But the women were so cruel. The things they whispered when you could not hear, about how you were taking pity on me, about how I was delusional, thinking that you could want me." She pounded her fist on the carriage seat, her anger threatening to overflow. "They do not know how it is between us. They do not know of our long-standing friendship. Yet they assume and they gossip and tonight..."
"Shh." Benjamin pulled her tightly into his embrace, clearly surprising her. He felt her stiffen for a moment before relaxing against him, precisely the way she used to do when they were younger. "Do no worry about it, sweeting. As long as we know the truth, that is all that matters."
"But it does appear as though we are courting," she countered as she sagged against him, glad for his strength. "I know that we spoke earlier, and that it is necessary to keep Landover away from me until the season ends. I do not wish to be ruined or return to Seldon Park in disgrace. Making everyone believe that we are truly in love accomplishes that. But perhaps that is not a good plan. Perhaps I should just return to Sussex now. Then we will all be safe." Her heart would be safe as well, she added silently to herself.
Benjamin turned her to face him, his eyes glittering in the darkness. "Is that what you truly want? To leave?" The very thought chilled him. It was only today that he'd discovered that he wanted to get to know the woman Julia had become. He could not do that if she ran back to Seldon Park. Just as it was for her, these few waning weeks of the season were his only chance.
She shook her head vehemently. "No. I do not wish to leave. You know that. But all of this?" She waved her hand at the darkened streets beyond. "It is, perhaps, more than I had anticipated. I knew that I would not be welcomed, but I also did not think I would be reviled for being seen in public with you, either." Julia snorted, an indelicate sound, and in that moment, Benjamin saw a flash of the young girl he remembered. "But perhaps I should have. You are the most eligible man in all of England, after all. A duke. The top prize to be had on the marriage mart. It must make most of society wonder why in the world you would be with me."
There were a hundred different answers he could have given her, each one truer than the next. In his heart, however, there was one answer that was stronger and more powerful than all of the others combined. But he could not say it. To do so would be to change everything. He could not risk that, did not want to risk losing her. Then he looked at her again. His beautiful, willful, magical Julia. And he found that he could say the words, or something like them, after all.
"I am with you because of this."
Then he kissed her and in that moment, Benjamin's world shifted, and he knew with certainty that it would never shift back.
Chapter Seven
Three days. It had been three days since the kiss, and Julia had yet to be alone with Benjamin again. It was nothing short of agony.
Oh, she'd seen him each and every day, as he'd escorted her to various events, including her longed for horseback ride at dawn, just as he'd promised. But they were never alone, much to her chagrin. It was as if he was afraid of her, or, at the very least, afraid of what she might say. Or what he might say. Perhaps he feared she would chastise him for his behavior.
Julia wasn't certain what she wanted him to say, at least not precisely. What she was certain of was that she did not want him to apologize for the kiss. It was the single most spectacular moment of her life, and she did not want it marred or tainted by apologies. He might regret it, but she did not.
Even now, she could still feel the press of his lips to hers, their gentle warmth as he coaxed her into the kiss, teasing her lips with his tongue. When his tongue had darted past her lips to tangle with hers, she'd thought to pull back. That was her first kiss, after all, and, well, it seemed more than a little scandalous.
But Benjamin had pulled her closer, his hands framing her face, nudging her, urging her on. She'd softened under his touch then, her body molding to his until one of them moaned a bit. She supposed it had been her. With each stroke of his tongue, each caress of his lips on her skin, she'd given in until there was no liberty she would not have allowed him.
They'd kissed until the carriage had rolled to a stop in front of Rosemont House, leaving her weak-kneed and breathless. Not to mention more than a little confused. Her body had been pulsing with need, and a part of her had hoped that he might invite himself inside and continue ravishing her. She would have allowed it. Nicholas was not home, after all.
In truth, had she been someone of less consequence, she knew he might have. It was no secret that Benjamin indulged in the pleasures of the flesh frequently. Some were ladies of quality, but others were opera dancers and the like. Though never prostitutes. He did have some scruples she had learned over the years.
Instead, he'd set her away from him, and then, like the proper gentleman that he was, he'd escorted her to the door, kissing her hand properly and chastely. As if he hadn't been thoroughly kissing her in the secluded darkness not moments before.
He did walk awkwardly, she had noted, so there was that. She did affect him. She wasn't sure if she would. Then again, perhaps any female could arouse sexual desire in him. She was no longer as knowledgeable about Benjamin as she had once been.
After that
, she'd lain awake all night, thinking and wondering. Would he kiss her again? Had it been a mistake? Would the gray-gowned woman she had observed at the theater report back to Lady Berkshire that she and the duke had left early? If so, would Nicholas be angry? After all, there was certainly no expectation that she would wed Benjamin.
When the sun had risen the next morning, however, her questions had been assuaged a bit by the veritable greenhouse of flowers that had appeared. Strangely, however, the duke had not. Nor did he the next day or the following, at least not during regular calling hours when they might go driving again, or at the very least, share some tea and discuss what had transpired between them. The pre-dawn ride did not count, at least not in her mind, since he had followed at a great distance, which had not allowed conversation between them. It had also been over quickly as, once they had reached the park, he had gone off, leaving her in the care of her groom.
He did, however, show up every evening to escort her to that night's entertainment, whatever it happened to be. But they were never alone. Either Nicholas or the gray-gowned lady was present, even in the carriage, which was a change, and not a welcome one, at least in her mind, from the first two nights. Tonight, their chaperone, if one could call him that, was her brother, and he was in a foul mood. So much for flowers and romance.
Julia had not seen her brother in such a state for many years, and despite repeated attempts, she could not coax him into a better humor or convince him to confide in her what was amiss. At some point during the ride, she had simply stopped trying. Instead, she watched the dreary London scenery roll past.
It had rained all day, and she had feared that finally, there would be something that would keep the duke from her side. Not that she knew what to say to him any longer. Too much time had passed. That kiss had changed so much, at least for her. What if it hadn't for him? Julia had hoped to broach the subject at some point that evening, once she was informed that their trip to Vauxhall Gardens was still occurring. There was a concert and fireworks scheduled for the evening's entertainment, and since the rain had stopped, the event could go on as planned.
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