He gave Jade a quick nod, and then tried to formulate something to say to Lily. But he found he couldn’t. His brain was a mess from the things he felt, and from those he thought he should feel but didn’t.
So he focused on his responsibilities. They’d become too vague for his liking, and the urgency of the plan he had been so set on had faded into the background over the past month. But tonight would change that, he told himself a little desperately. He would put all the distractions aside and charm whoever he needed to.
Starting with that proposal.
‘Thank you, Tom,’ Jacques said, when the MC handed him the mike after his introduction. ‘Let’s all give Tom a hand. He’s doing a terrific job, hosting this evening’s proceedings.’
Applause rang out and Jacques’s eyes moved over the crowd. His gaze settled on Nathan, who was standing alone on one side of the room, shoulders hunched. Though Jacques was still angry with him, he knew his brother had just wanted to help.
But, considering that Jacques no longer saw his father, he also knew that Nathan’s attempt at reconciliation hadn’t worked. Just as Jacques had always told him.
He went through the formalities, thanking everyone for attending and introducing the charity they were supporting that evening. While a representative for the charity said her thanks, Jacques’s heart started beating faster. As he handed the woman a large cheque and posed for the required photos his lungs felt heavy. And when he finally held the mike in his hand to end his speech his entire body shook.
But he ignored all of it, and focused on the face of the woman he was about to fake propose to.
‘I know many of you here remember me as the man who ended the Shadows’ path to the internationals. The man who threw away his career in a fight that shouldn’t have happened. It’s shaped your opinion of me. And that has shaped my opinion of myself.’
His heart thudded for different reasons now.
‘It has also driven me. Because I wanted to prove...’
He trailed off, thinking about how he’d wanted to prove that the public’s opinion of him was wrong. How he’d wanted to prove his father wrong.
‘I wanted to prove that I was more than the mistakes I’d made. That those mistakes didn’t define me. That desire has allowed me to build a successful company. It’s given me a perspective that’s helped me support charities like the one we’re here for this evening. But, most importantly, my journey in not letting the past define me has led me to my girlfriend, Lily.’
The first thing he saw when his eyes rested on her was that colour on her cheeks that had drawn him in the first time. The second was the smile she sent him. Though the uncertainty, the traces of fear, were visible to him, it was the sweetest, most encouraging smile he’d ever seen.
And the words that came from his mouth no longer seemed to be pretence.
‘There have been times when I’ve focused so much on wanting to be a better person that I haven’t actually been a better person. And she has helped me see that. Her calling me out on my bad behaviour has given me no choice but to learn from the past. Which is probably why you have all seen a better-behaving Brookes instead of Bad-Boy Brookes.’
He waited as a chuckle went through the crowd.
‘But perhaps more importantly is the fact that she’s shown me how to learn from my past.’
He thought about how she’d refused his money—taking it would certainly have been easier than the training she’d asked for instead—and about how it made sense now that he knew about Kyle.
‘I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.’
He walked down the stairs towards Lily now, taking the microphone with him.
‘You would be able to see your strength, your beauty.’
A path opened up as he walked towards her, and when he stopped in front of her he could see the hope shining through her uncertainty. It scared him, and something urged him to stop. But he couldn’t. Not yet.
‘And you’d know that you’ve exceeded any expectations I had of you or our relationship.’
He knew how much those words would mean to her, but when her hope shone even brighter it glossed all his feelings with a deep fear he couldn’t understand.
‘I can’t imagine my life without you, Lily,’ he said, almost automatically now, refusing to hear the truth of the words.
Instead he pulled out the box Riley had given him earlier and went down on one knee.
‘Will you marry me?’
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
IT WASN’T UNTIL that moment that Lily realised just how much she wanted him to be saying those words for real.
The desire for it shook her, but she didn’t let it distract her. She breathed a ‘yes’ and applause erupted around them. Jacques smiled at her, but there was a storm in his eyes that made her heart hurt without her even knowing why.
He slid the ring onto her finger—a simple stunning solitaire—and pulled her into his arms. Heat pricked at her eyes when she felt the stiffness of his arms, the tightness of the muscles in them, but all the years she’d had of pretending to be okay when she wasn’t helped her smile and accept the kiss he brushed on her lips.
The rest of the evening went by in a blur of congratulations and a tension that she knew she wasn’t imagining. Not when she could sense Jacques pulling away from her. Not when she recognised it because she’d done the exact same thing herself earlier. And while a part of her wanted to hope that they were doing it for the same reason—that he was in love with her, too—Jacques’s behaviour was edged with a coldness that warned her against hoping that.
The thought troubled her so much that she escaped the party as soon as she saw an opportunity to do so. Her opportunity came when Jade and Riley whisked Jacques away to speak to a sponsor they apparently needed on their side who’d arrived unexpectedly. The crowd had thinned by then, and no one seemed to notice as she slipped out of the hotel to the beach just beyond it.
When she was far enough away that no one would see her—when she was sure that she hadn’t been followed—she closed her eyes and accepted the truth that she’d been running away from since that morning.
She was in love with Jacques Brookes.
Panic gripped her throat, and when she opened her mouth to breathe a sob escaped. She laid a hand on her throat, forced air into her lungs. Forced herself to think. Why was she afraid of falling for Jacques? Because she’d told herself that she needed to stay away from him? That she needed to love herself?
Perhaps, but she knew those resolutions had come from the Lily who’d been treated so poorly by her ex-fiancé. By the Lily who’d thought she deserved to be treated that way. Who had expected it because she didn’t think she deserved more. But that Lily had slowly been whittled away. She’d been replaced with a Lily who hoped that she did deserve more. She’d been replaced with a Lily who had experienced what it was like to be treated well. Who had experienced a good relationship for the past month.
Yes, it had been a pretend relationship for the most part, but Lily thought that their friendship hadn’t been pretend. The respect they’d shared, the way Jacques had treated her, the things he’d said to her, about her—those hadn’t been pretend.
Or had they?
Didn’t Jacques deserve more than her? Didn’t he deserve someone who was proud of her body, of herself? Someone with all the confidence that she struggled to muster? Someone who felt as if she were enough? Someone who could actually live up to his expectations?
Someone who could live up to her own expectations?
She was reminded of when Jacques had asked her about those expectations. She’d realised she didn’t have expectations of herself—not her own. She only had those that had been invented by those around her.
But now she knew she wanted to be successful. For herself and not just to prove someon
e else wrong. She wanted to think more of herself. It would be a process, but at least now she believed that she deserved more than an emotionally abusive fiancé. She wanted someone who saw her as more than who he wanted her to be. She wanted someone who saw her for who she was.
She wanted Jacques.
And if she ignored her uncertainties—if she looked at the facts, at the evidence—she thought that he wanted her, too.
But he didn’t want to.
‘Lily? I’ve been looking all over for you.’
She turned to the man she loved. Saw the look on his face, saw the confirmation of her suspicions, and her heart broke.
* * *
‘I’m sorry. I needed some air.’
The words sounded distant—as if she was pulling away again—and the door he’d hidden his feelings behind opened.
He slammed it shut.
‘Did things go well with the sponsor?’
‘I think so. They asked about my plans for the club.’
‘Which is a good thing, right? It means they’re considering your business aptitude and not your personal life.’
‘Yeah, probably. But Jade and Riley think my personal life is the reason they were interested. They think the sponsors caught the proposal.’
‘That was the plan, wasn’t it?’
‘Yes, it was.’
So why was he annoyed by her response? By her sudden aloofness?
‘It’s all there is, isn’t it?’ Jacques said through a clenched jaw. ‘This plan of ours. This agreement.’
She tilted her head, and it stole his breath how much he wanted to tuck those curls behind her ear. How he wanted to pull her in and melt that coolness.
‘Are you trying to bait me, Jacques?’
‘What could I possibly achieve by doing that?’
‘My temper? I could lash out at you and give you a reason to deny those feelings you’ve realised you had for me.’
‘I don’t... There are no...’
‘No feelings?’
‘No.’
She laughed. ‘Of course. There were no feelings when we kissed this morning. Or when you said those things tonight. No, that kiss actually was for the camera. And tonight—that was just for the audience, right?’
‘Now you’re trying to bait me.’
‘Is it working? Because I’d really love to talk to the man I’ve fallen in love with instead of whoever you are.’
It took him a minute to process what she’d said. Another to think up a response. ‘How...? You can’t...’
‘I don’t blame you for thinking that.’ She folded her arms, looked out to the ocean. ‘I’ve been trying to deny it since this morning, when I realised it.’
‘Since this morning?’ he repeated.
Now he knew why he’d felt her pulling away. She didn’t like her feelings any more than he liked his.
Why did that upset him?
‘We always knew about the attraction between us,’ he said steadily.
‘The attraction?’ she scoffed. ‘I wish this was just an attraction. That would make things so much easier.’
‘What do you want from me, Lily?’
‘I want you to admit that there’s more between us than an “attraction”. I want you to admit you feel something for me.’
That door he kept those feelings behind vibrated again, and he was having trouble keeping it shut.
‘You don’t want that, Lily. You’re just confusing all of the...the show with real emotion.’
You’re making up excuses for yourself.
‘Don’t do that.’
Her voice was measured, but he could hear the anger.
‘Don’t belittle my feelings. I’ve spent my life trying to convince myself that I have a right to them.’
‘I wasn’t trying—’
‘Do you think I wanted to tell you the truth about my store? About Kyle? Do you think that I told you how it made me feel because we’re friends? Because we’re attracted to each other?’ She shook her head. ‘No one knew about that. And not just because of the papers I signed.’
‘Then why did you tell me?’
‘Because I thought you would understand. You know what it’s like to think about your past with shame. This whole charade has been so that you could make up for it. I wanted your help with my store for the same reason.’
She drew a ragged breath.
‘And I told you because I wanted you to know. To love me despite my mistakes.’
The door was flung open at her words, and he knew that he did love her. He knew that he’d known from the moment they’d kissed. That he’d had it confirmed while he’d been proposing.
But still he couldn’t bring himself to say the words.
Instead he said, ‘I meant it when I said you’ve shown me how to not let the past define me.’ He exhaled. ‘I don’t judge you for accepting the money. I can’t because...because I do understand it. The shame. The determination not to let a mistake define you.’
‘But?’
‘But...you’ve distracted me from it.’
‘I’ve distracted you from what?’
‘From my plan,’ he said desperately. ‘From showing the world that I’m more than my mistakes. Than my failures. Than the disappointment.’
‘Showing the world or your father?’
He didn’t respond. He couldn’t. Because she was right.
‘Seeing him tonight reminded you that you’ve been doing all of this for him, not the world. That all those things—mistakes, failures, disappointment—are things you’re trying to convince him that you’re not. And maybe even yourself.’
‘Stop!’ he said sharply, feeling her words piercing his heart.
‘I understand it, Jacques.’ She moved closer to him. ‘I’m trying to convince myself that I’m not those things either. That I’m not a failure.’
‘You’re only a failure because you keep telling yourself that, Lily.’
The words were harsher than he’d intended, but he just wanted her to stop. To stop reminding him of the pain he’d managed to avoid for so long. He didn’t listen to the voice telling him that it wasn’t Lily, that it was seeing his father that had unlocked the pain. All he knew was that he felt—and she was making him feel.
He couldn’t distinguish between the feelings. Not any more.
‘You keep thinking about the things you’ve failed at. But have you looked at what you’ve succeeded at? You had problems with your weight, so you lost it. You had a relationship that you realised wasn’t working for you, so you left. The shop you opened was struggling, so you found a way to make it work for you. Yes, you’ve failed. You’ve made mistakes. We all have. But we need to look at how we’ve dealt with the failure and mistakes. That’s what defines us.’
There was silence after his little speech, and he realised his chest was heaving. He used the time to gain control of his breathing again—to gain control of himself again.
‘Are you going to look back at this night and think it’s a mistake, Jacques?’ Her voice was soft. Deceptive. ‘Because if you can’t give me a reason to stay, to listen to the things you’re saying, you might find something else to define yourself by.’
CHAPTER NINETEEN
LILY DIDN’T KNOW what she expected after her words. All she knew was that she didn’t have to stay—not any more—if there was nothing to stay for.
But she knew she hadn’t expected a kiss.
He was standing in front of her before she could register what was happening, and then he slid a hand behind her neck and pulled her in until his mouth found hers. Heat immediately flared at the touch, but the greed their kisses had held before had been replaced by emotion. She didn’t know what it meant—didn’t know if he was
telling her he had feelings for her or if he was saying goodbye.
She pulled back. She didn’t need any more memories of him if it was goodbye.
‘I need you to say it, Jacques.’
‘I... I can’t.’
He rested his forehead on hers, but she stepped back, unable to stand being near him any more.
‘Why not?’
She hated the heat that prickled in her eyes. Hated it even more that her heart softened as she saw the battle on his face. But she had learnt from her mistakes. And that meant she could no longer hope for things in a relationship that she would never get. She could no longer stay with someone who couldn’t be honest with her. She deserved more.
So when he didn’t answer she didn’t make any excuses. She just cleared her throat and said, ‘We’ll have Jade leak a story that we’ve gone away to celebrate our engagement. Just for the two days before you make your bid for the club. I’ll let Terri and Cara know, and they can take care of the store for me. And then you can make your bid, get your club, and people will see us less and less. An appropriate amount of time will go by and we’ll announce our break-up.’
‘Lily, please—’
‘No, Jacques. I know better than anyone what you’re willing to do when you really want something. And if that something was me, you’d be able to say so.’
It hurt, the truth of that realisation. But she needed to face it.
‘It’s the least I deserve after doing all this for you.’
Because she had to believe that, she walked away from him. She only stopped to slip her shoes back on in front of the hotel, and then climbed into the first taxi she saw. She kept her composure until she reached her flat. Until she stripped off that ridiculous dress, kicked off those ridiculous shoes and climbed into the shower.
And then she let the tears come.
They turned into heart-wrenching sobs too quickly, but they helped steady her. And when the water turned cold she felt steadier. She let the water wash the tears from her face and then focused on the rest of her body. When she was done, she made herself a cup of tea, gripping the mug for the warmth and comfort it provided.
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