by Elana Brooks
As he started talking, her lips set in a mulish line, and he was afraid he’d have to call in Rabbi Sensei after all. But when he got to the end of his little speech and fixed her with a wheedling gaze, she relaxed into annoyed humor. “Fine. Whatever.” She lifted one shoulder and dropped it. “I guess I got enough flying today to last me until tomorrow. I promise.”
“Great. See you in the morning, then.”
“See you.”
He wanted badly to kiss her again, physically this time, but she pulled away too quickly and headed for the elevator. He let her go and waited until the next car arrived to ride down.
Chapter 15
Oh, god. Oh, god. He’d kissed her.
That was about as coherent as Beverly’s thoughts got as she hurried home and went about fixing herself supper. As she chopped up a zucchini to sauté, she kept stopping and staring off into space, remembering that incredible moment. She’d never dared imagine anything so deeply, intensely pleasurable.
She used to think she was pretty familiar with kissing. But all the kisses she’d shared with boys before, whether they were clumsy and embarrassed or skillful and arrogant, had been a totally different class of experience than what had happened today. Partly, she was sure, it was because all of them had been very much boys, and Adrian was most definitely a man. And undoubtedly it had something to do with the soul bond, and the fact that they were in their astral forms. But even with all those considerations, there was just no comparison. It was like the difference between lettuce and bacon.
She returned her focus to her knife. For some inexplicable reason, Adrian wanted her. Her, Beverly Jones, accountant, thoroughly boring if not positively repulsive nobody. He’d admitted that her overweight body bothered him, and he still wanted her. With a hot flush, she remembered the hard pressure against her hip when he’d held her. She doubted astral bodies could lie about that any more than physical ones could.
Of course, sex was probably all he wanted. But she could live with that. It was all any guy had ever wanted from her, after all. If what followed lived up to the promise of that kiss, it would be well worth the heartache that would inevitably result when he tired of her. He would, sooner or later. They all did.
It wasn’t as if he’d said anything about loving her.
Which was good, because surely she didn’t love him, either. What she felt was undoubtedly nothing but infatuation. A crush, like she’d had on any number of celebrities over the years. Only this time she was lucky enough that the object of her desire was interested in return. She should jump at the chance, enjoy the ride while it lasted, and bid him farewell without regrets when it was over. Even so much was far more than she’d ever thought she’d get. Surely it was greedy to want more.
She did, though. She wanted what Rabbi Sensei and Keiko had. As she stirred the zucchini in the frying pan, she thought about how they looked at each other, how they touched, the little smile Rabbi Sensei got whenever he talked about his wife. The thought of that expression on Adrian’s face gave her a funny catch in the heart. It was impossible, of course, no matter what he’d said today, that he could ever feel that way about her. But oh, how sweet it would be if he could!
She dropped the pork cutlet in the pan. She could never return that kind of devotion. If there ever was any chance Adrian might misjudge her so profoundly that he thought he could offer it to her, she would have to act to stop him from making such a terrible mistake. She couldn’t bear the thought of him being deeply hurt, the way he would be when she inevitably failed him.
He was so wonderful. He deserved someone so much better than she could ever be. She couldn’t see how he could even want her.
But he did want her. Oh, god, he’d kissed her…
Round and round her thoughts went, covering the same ground, always coming back to the same place.
When she finished her meal, she still had the munchies. As she washed dishes she thought wistfully of graham crackers. Or cookies, or candy, anything sweet and filling and comforting. But she’d been smart enough not to buy any more after the awful incident her first night in the apartment. And there was no way she was plodding down five stories and back up again just for a treat she’d end up regretting anyway.
Besides, nothing she could eat would help in the long run. What would really make her feel better was someone she could talk to. She’d always wished her mother was like the good ones on TV, someone she could have long heart-to-heart conversations with about important things. An older sister would be even better. Or a friend. Even someone like the counselor at UC, with her warm, nonjudgmental demeanor, would help. Maybe she should find a counselor to see here. Although if she had to edit out all the freaky stuff she was dealing with, there wouldn’t be much point.
Too bad she hadn’t been part of the Covenant long enough to make friends who understood. Rabbi Sensei would care, but what she really wanted was another woman she could pour everything out to.
Wait. Maybe there was someone.
Beverly swallowed, set her plate on the rack to dry, and went to sit on the couch. She wasn’t sure of the proper etiquette. She would much rather have called on the phone, but she didn’t have the number. Still, Covenant members seemed to use telepathy routinely. She’d reached Adrian without difficulty the other night, and she hadn’t even been doing it on purpose.
Carefully composing her mind, she broadcast a tentative, polite request out into the night. Keiko?
The reply was immediate. Yes, Beverly? What do you need?
Beverly fumbled to verbalize her thoughts. Um, I just wondered if you were free to come over to my place for a few minutes? I’d kind of like to talk with someone right now.
I’d be happy to. Give me a moment to wrap things up here and I’ll be right over.
Beverly bit her lip. I’m sorry. If you’re in the middle of something, don’t worry. It’s not really that important.
Not at all. It’s nothing that can’t wait. I’ll see you shortly.
Keiko broke contact. Beverly rose and paced back and forth across her tiny living room. What had she interrupted? Surely something Keiko would far rather be doing than listening to a new recruit pour out her trivial troubles. Keiko was so polite she’d never deny a request, no matter how inconvenient she found it. Beverly should contact her again and tell her to forget it.
Before she could, Keiko’s thought came from beyond the door. Beverly, I’m here. May I come in?
Sure. Beverly went to fumble with the locks, then stopped, feeling stupid. You’re in astral form, aren’t you?
Yes. Although if you’d rather meet physically, I could come that way instead. It would take about half an hour.
No, no, astral is fine. I mean, I told Adrian I wouldn’t, but since you’re here I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. Just let me— Beverly ran to her bedroom, threw herself on the bed, and tried to make the mental adjustment necessary to leave her body. She had to breathe deeply for a few minutes to get to a point where she could, but then it was as easy as it had become in the meditation garden. She sat up, jumped off the bed, and ran back down the short hall to the living room. “I’m sorry, that was so rude. I should have thought, so I could’ve already—”
Keiko’s astral form was seated on the sofa. She held up a hand. “I’m the one who neglected to inform you of my intentions. Please, sit down and think no more of the matter. What is it you’d like to talk about?”
Beverly sank onto the sofa next to Keiko and twisted to face her. “It’s so stupid. I shouldn’t have bothered you.”
“This is no bother, I promise. I’m glad for the chance to get to know you better. I’m still annoyed at Solomon for insisting on taking you as his student, when I wanted the privilege.”
Beverly squirmed. She still wasn’t used to being treated as some kind of star pupil, a prize to be competed for. “You know he’s turned most of my training over to Adrian, right? Actually, that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.” She squirmed some more. Usually it
was easier than this to get her astral body comfortable.
Keiko looked at her quizzically. “Are you having difficulties with Adrian?”
“No. Yes. It’s just that—he likes me. I mean, it’s complicated…”
Keiko laid a hand on Beverly’s. “Why don’t you tell me everything, from the time you first met Adrian at the screening workshop. I know a lot of it, of course, but I’d like to hear it from your perspective.”
“All right.” Beverly took a deep breath, then launched into the story.
Keiko was a good listener. She focused all her attention on Beverly, nodding and making interested noises in the right places, occasionally asking a clarifying question. It felt wonderful to be able to pour out everything without needing to worry about how strange it sounded, without having to conceal even her most conflicted and confusing feelings. She didn’t leave out anything Keiko might need to know to fully understand, not even her history with bulimia or the time years ago when she really had been on the verge of suicide.
After she finished with a full account of the events of the afternoon, Keiko was quiet for a few moments. Beverly twisted her fingers together, remembering how Adrian had touched them, so tenderly, with so much promise. Finally she burst out, “Well, what do you think?”
“About what, in particular?”
“About… Adrian. And me.”
“I think both of you are extremely promising young people, and the Covenant is lucky to have you. As to your relationship with each other, that’s for the two of you to work out. I don’t think it’s my place to have an opinion.”
“But—” Beverly groped for words. While she was glad Keiko wasn’t inclined to be pushy or bossy, she’d sought her out specifically because she wanted advice. “Please, I don’t know how to handle this on my own. I really need your help. What should I do?” Beverly tried to keep her voice from becoming a petulant wail, but she didn’t think she was very successful.
“I can’t tell you what to do, but I’ll help as much as I’m able. Would it would be a useful exercise to think through your options? What different courses of action might you choose to take in regards to Adrian?” Keiko regarded her expectantly.
Beverly took a deep breath. This was exactly what she needed. “Yeah, that’s a good idea. Okay. I guess one thing I could do is shut him down. Tell him I changed my mind, I’m not interested.”
“Why might you choose that course?”
Beverly thought about it. “Well, for one, if I decided I didn’t believe he really meant everything he said today. If I thought he was just telling me all that stuff to be nice, or because he felt obligated to, or for any other reason than that he really is attracted to me.”
“Do you believe he has another reason?” Keiko’s attitude remained carefully neutral, but she seemed genuinely interested in what Beverly would say.
Beverly turned to look out the window. “I don’t know. He might. I mean, he is nice. And he takes his responsibilities seriously. There’s the whole thing with the soul bond maybe making our powers stronger together—I could totally see him trying to get us together just for that.”
“If these other reasons are influencing him, would negate any actual feelings toward you he might also have?”
Beverly scrunched her shoulders up to her ears. “I don’t know. I guess not. Not if he really did have actual feelings, I mean.”
Keiko nodded. “Are there other reasons you might refuse to begin a relationship with him?”
Beverly shrugged. “Well, if I didn’t want to. If I wasn’t attracted to him.”
“Is that the case?”
Her face hot, Beverly shifted her gaze to the side. “No.”
She caught a glimpse of Keiko’s amused smile before the older woman smoothed it away. “Anything else?”
Beverly searched for ideas. “I guess—if all he wanted was a short-term thing, and I wasn’t happy with that. If I wanted more.”
“Do you think that’s what he wants?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t say anything about it.” Beverly sighed in frustration. “We didn’t talk about the future at all. Just the things holding us back, and whether or not we could get over them.”
“If he’s only interested in a limited relationship, would you be willing to agree to that?”
“I don’t know.” Beverly swallowed and licked her lips. “I guess I’ll to have to decide one way or the other eventually, won’t I?”
“It does seem so.” Keiko shifted her position, continuing to focus on Beverly. “Setting that question aside for now, are there any other reasons which might lead you to deny his wish to begin a relationship?”
After more thought, Beverly shrugged. “I can’t think of any.” She hoped she wasn’t boring Keiko.
But Keiko leaned toward her, intent, as if Beverly’s love life was a puzzle she was determined to solve. “In that case, how else might you choose to respond to his overture?”
“I guess the only other thing I could do is—well, go along with it. Get together with him and see where it goes.” Beverly stared at her hands, her heart racing.
“Why might you decide to do that?”
“If I believed him, that he really does want me.” She swallowed. “Or if I decided I didn’t care. If I wanted him, whether or not he really wants me.”
“Are there any other ways you could respond, besides those two?”
Beverly gave a little laugh. “Stall. Not decide. Wait until I’m sure. That’s pretty much what I’ve done so far.”
“Sometimes that can be a good course of action, if not drawn out too long.” Keiko leaned back. “All right. Now that you’ve laid out your choices, let’s consider each of them. What are the possible consequences, good and bad, of refusing him?”
Beverly twisted her fingers together, staring at them. “Good—I wouldn’t get hurt. Or at least, not any more than it hurts to give up wanting something that’s never going to happen anyway. Bad—I guess, if I was wrong, and he did truly have feelings for me, I would miss out on something that could be really good.” An aching void opened in Beverly’s stomach at the thought.
Sympathy shone Keiko’s eyes and colored her tone, but she keep her words neutral. “And what are the possible consequences of agreeing to start a relationship with him? Again, good and bad.”
Everything was becoming so much more clear approached in this methodical way. “Good—It could be wonderful. Amazing, even.” Her imagination failed her, thinking about it. “We could end up like you and Rabbi Sensei. Really in love. Forever.” She swallowed. “Not as good, but still not bad—We could have fun for a while. Then we could break up, and that would hurt, but maybe not so much as never getting together at all. Maybe more, though. Probably.”
She shifted. “Bad—I could get burned. If he is just faking it. Or more likely, he would. Because I might not be capable of giving him what he deserves. We might end up hating each other. With the whole soul bond resonance thing, that would totally suck.” She shrugged. “I guess that’s it.”
Keiko’s eyes were sad. “You can’t think of any other possibility?”
Beverly thought for a few moments, but nothing came to her. “No.” She studied the older woman. “You can?”
“Yes.” Keiko’s voice got very soft, but still clear. “You might truly love each other, as Solomon and I do. And one of you might lose the other. In fact, unless you both die in the same instant, it’s inevitable.”
Beverly gulped. “I guess so.” She looked more closely at Keiko. Her beautiful face was tranquil, but her eyes were unnaturally bright.
A feeling far below the level of conscious thought seeped into her mind, and she spoke without thought. “God, you’re terrified.” Impulsively she reached out and took Keiko’s hands. A tremor traveled from Keiko’s grip to her own.
Keiko lowered her eyes. “The Covenant will be going to war in a few short years. Solomon leads us. He’ll spare no one, least of all himself. My worst fear is almost certai
n to be realized. Every day brings us closer to our last together.” She raised her eyes to meet Beverly’s gaze again. “To choose to love someone is to choose to experience pain greater than any other.”
Softly, Beverly asked, “Are you sorry, then? That you fell in love with him? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”
Keiko’s smile was sad, yet somehow radiant at the same time. “No. Not for an instant. What we’ve shared makes any pain worthwhile. Even if it had been for only a single day. And I’ve had more than twenty years with him.”
Beverly could manage only a whisper. “Do you think… do you think we could have that? Me and Adrian? Maybe?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what’s in his heart, or yours. I only know that, if the choice were mine, I would risk any pain, brave any fear, to gain even the smallest chance of such joy. Even if I lost the gamble, I would know I’d tried.” She lifted her shoulders and dropped them. “But the choice isn’t mine. It’s yours, and only you can make it.”
“Yeah.” Beverly shook her head, dizzy. In one way, this conversation had clarified things just the way she’d wanted. In another, she was more confused than ever. The way Keiko talked about love—it both enticed Beverly more deeply and terrified her more thoroughly than anything ever had before.
Did she want that with Adrian, with anyone, if it would put her in the position Keiko was in now? Was any joy really worth the awful fear Beverly had seen in her eyes? Keiko believed it was, but did Beverly?
Pushing that question to the back of her mind with the other, she turned back to Keiko. “Um, one more thing? It’s kind of personal, so if you don’t want to say, I understand. It’s just—Rabbi Sensei’s so much older than you. Did that ever, you know, bother you, at first? Does it now?”
Keiko’s eyes twinkled. “You wish to know how I can find a gray-haired, wrinkled old man sexually appealing?”